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daftbird's Journal
Back to daftbird's Journal
2007-03-22 17:38:22
evil woman
daftbird
(this Blogger post originally had 4 pics from monty python's spanish inquisition post accompanying it)

This bit has nothing whatsover to do with the pictures.




Yesterday in my mailbox I get this daft brochure:



THIS SENIORS WEEK,
TAKE THE TEST


I am over 55.


My family says I have the TV too loud.


I have trouble understanding people in loud places.


Everyone seems to mumble.


So this brochure would seem to indicate that if you are over 55 you are completely thick and up until this point that you haven't noticed that you CAN'T HEAR PROPERLY!!! Well, that's it then - will just have to go and get Mum and Dad put down, the poor dopey buggers. There is no point in them going on. Unfortunately they have gone past the point of no return. They are too thick to live.


Now, in a complete change of subject, I wish to CONFESS. I feel the need to get this off my chest.


When I was a child (aged five or six) my Grandmother made me a lovely dress, it was predominantly blue. My sister's was the same except it was green. My Grandmother had borrowed the cotton to make the dresses from a friend.



My school teacher boarded with the friend. My Granny bought cotton to replace the cotton she had borrowed and asked me to give it to the teacher to pass on to her friend.


Two lovely new reels of cotton - a blue one and a green one. My Grandmother put them into a brown paper bag.


I was too shy to give them to the teacher so I put them in the school bin. Threw them away. In there with half- eaten apples and discarded sandwiches. That lovely cotton.


My Grandmother never was able to track down what happened to the cotton.


WHAT A NAUGHTY BAD BAD GIRL!!


While here there is something else to confess. At a younger age than the above I went to the local store with my mum. I picked up a little twenty cent orange car and walked out with it because I knew that Mum wouldn't buy it. Oh! It was terrible! I planted it at my Grandmother's house because if it was sighted at home there Would Be Trouble. It was tucked under the lounge cushion there and I couldn't even play with the silly thing for fear of it Being Seen. Oh frig -was cured of this sort of thing forever.


So I had a rather short (but illustrious) career as Liar and Thief.


Anyone got anything Naughty to confess???


CONFESS NOW -or I'll send the fellas around!!!

Mood - buggered
Music - thank you-jamellia (not by choice)
Edited - Never
4 Comments


Comments
Forgot before -it was originally from the 13th March. Here are the comments left on the blog:

Keshi said...
hehehe Lee u naughty lil thing.

Have I got anything naughty to confess? Well u know with me the qn should b 'have u got anything good to confess?'.

When I was at Kindy, I was a very a kind girl u know. Shared my crayons with other girls etc. And then one day one smart ass stole my pink rubber. u know how much we love those fragrant colored rubbers back then. Well I wanted to find the thief cos I sorta knew who she was. She was known for it! Well I made up a lie and announced to the class saying that my Police dad was coming to catch my rubber thief today. She started crying immediately. LOL!



Keshi.

12:21 PM


lee said...
keshi -you evil little girl, making her cry like that!haha.But how dare she steal your rubber!

For any non-australian reading this -keshi was not into contraceptive devices back in her Kindergarten days -she is referring to erasers.

12:29 PM


Aidan said...
Is there a page limit to confessions?

Good one as a Kid, staying with a friend (chris) and his little cousin kept following us everywhere... I got fed up, and said

Me:"if you dont stop following us, i will make you disapear...."

Cousin:"yeah right" with mock bravado he cried.

"ok, abra cad abrah, oh crap where did he go"

(pretend to look about)

Chris: (playing along) God where has he gone, i dodn know you could do that.

Aidan: i was just playing, i didnt think it would work.

Cousin: (runs off screaming) Sent the rest of the day being counciled by his mum, explaining that yes she could see him, and he was still there.

ABout three days later the whole story came out, HUGE TROUBLE:)

6:51 PM


Yeah Him said...
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

OOPS... SORRY... that was william carlos williams... but i'm all for stealing plums whenever i get the chance. sad thing is there never really is a chance for good plums.

oh well.

1:02 AM


Dave said...
If I said I had nothing to confess, that would be a lie. So, I confess that lie.

3:29 AM


FluffysFailure said...
Dave you magnificent bastard, you beat me to it and now I don't have anything to confess... As far as you know, I mean it's not a lie if it can't be proven.

3:44 AM


Homo Escapeons said...
"Our chief weapon is FEAR..FEAR and SURPRISE...Our two main weapons are FEAR and SURPRISE and an almostfanaticaldevotiontothePope!"

Well I certainly never did anything near as horrible as you did ((gasp)) but I did nick a chocolate bar once..got caught and hauled back by my Mom and had to confess, apologise and pay for it and promise to rot in hell for eternity..
which rhymes with virginity.. oh I may have 'stolen' a couple of virginities...
but that wasn't really stealing because I had to pledge neverending, undying, devotion and secrecy forever and ever and ever...D'OH!

Speaking of stolen..
I wish that Keshi's 'fragrant colored rubbers' story was more recent because it really spoiled the fantasy.

6:09 AM


Stace said...
I'm perfect. I have nothing to confess. Actually that's a complete lie. Very much so. When I was quite young, a friend and myself bought matching rings to display our friendship... I lost mine, she forgot about hers and thought she'd lost it, and then after a long time I found hers somewhere in her house. I took it! Never told her. I felt so bad, though! (I think I still have it at home...) naughty me!

10:30 AM


lee said...
aidan -that is simply completely wicked and entirely excellent.hahaha.That poor little kid -hahaha.

yeah him - I find it next to impossible to believe that you have nothing of your own to confess - I find you guilty of plagiarism and now expect Michael Palin on your door stop to get you with soft pillows.

dave -so you are wicked as well -who knew? Another Liar.Tch tch.

fluffy -you are guilty of coveting dave's comment and that is VERY NAUGHTY.That's a no-no.

he -it is obvious that you are EXTREMELY NAUGHTY and after Michael is finished with yeah him he's coming to deal with you. And put keshi out of your head -no thinking of keshi and rubbers.

stace -that is so funny.What she doesn't know won't hurt her. You felt so bad, but not bad enough to give it back-hehe. I have got one of my sister's books that I always wanted -she has forgotten that it exists .

Confession for Wednesday morning: I am listening to Elton John -even turned I'm Still Standing up QUITE LOUD.

10:45 AM


Keshi said...
**keshi was not into contraceptive devices back in her Kindergarten days -she is referring to erasers.


LOL hahahahahaahaha! Good one Lee

Keshi.

12:10 PM


Keshi said...
LOL Aidan I love ur story!

Keshi.

12:12 PM


Angel said...
Umm, these things all seem very mild and tame to me. I was hoping to hear some really juicy gossip . O.k who's done something really, really BAD? Fess up now!

10:36 PM


Ethel said...
*cough*

I might've, Angel.

Although I wasn't really that involved, since it wasn't even my school, and I wasn't really there at the time of the actual explosion. [moves away innocently]

I went through a nasty-piece-of-work stage when I was a teenager, and was quite an accomplished shoplifter at one stage. <[distances self from past]

7:55 AM


Comment deleted
This post has been removed by the author.

1:36 AM


Homo Escapeons said...
Sorry my Lawyers told me that I couldn't confess to some of my deeds because the Staute of Limitations hasn't expired so I had to delete...
but I do have the Lindbergh Baby (he's 75 now and Jimmy Hoffa can be a real pain in the ass)
Ooops apparently I can't say that either.

1:45 AM


lee said...
keshi -glad you weren't worried about me writing that -I thought later that you mightn't appreciate it at all .

Come on, angel -you sneaky woman -you got away with not confessing anything yourself -surely you might have stolen soneone's doll or something? .

ethel -it is very suprising that you were SUCH A NAUGHTY GIRL.Looks like Mr Palin will have to pay you a visit as well.He's going to be busy, it seems .

he -ah, you're a funny man . Maybe more funny than naughty.

10:17 AM


Angel said...
O.K Lee. I went bushwalking naked. I drove a car naked.I shoplifted comics in 6th class. I had sex in many unusual places. I punched a girl in the face because she was all over my boyfriend at the time.but, no, I have never stolen a doll.

11:23 AM


lee said...
oh angel -you drove a car naked!!-hahahaha. That's it - you win the A Load Of Old Cobblers Award for Naughty Person Of The Day .

12:13 PM
Posted by:daftbird

daftbird  

date: 22/03/2007 07:14 GMT
Forgot before -it was originally from the 13th March. Here are the comments left on the blog:

Keshi said...
hehehe Lee u naughty lil thing.

Have I got anything naughty to confess? Well u know with me the qn should b 'have u got anything good to confess?'.

When I was at Kindy, I was a very a kind girl u know. Shared my crayons with other girls etc. And then one day one smart ass stole my pink rubber. u know how much we love those fragrant colored rubbers back then. Well I wanted to find the thief cos I sorta knew who she was. She was known for it! Well I made up a lie and announced to the class saying that my Police dad was coming to catch my rubber thief today. She started crying immediately. LOL!



Keshi.

12:21 PM


lee said...
keshi -you evil little girl, making her cry like that!haha.But how dare she steal your rubber!

For any non-australian reading this -keshi was not into contraceptive devices back in her Kindergarten days -she is referring to erasers.

12:29 PM


Aidan said...
Is there a page limit to confessions?

Good one as a Kid, staying with a friend (chris) and his little cousin kept following us everywhere... I got fed up, and said

Me:"if you dont stop following us, i will make you disapear...."

Cousin:"yeah right" with mock bravado he cried.

"ok, abra cad abrah, oh crap where did he go"

(pretend to look about)

Chris: (playing along) God where has he gone, i dodn know you could do that.

Aidan: i was just playing, i didnt think it would work.

Cousin: (runs off screaming) Sent the rest of the day being counciled by his mum, explaining that yes she could see him, and he was still there.

ABout three days later the whole story came out, HUGE TROUBLE:)

6:51 PM


Yeah Him said...
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

OOPS... SORRY... that was william carlos williams... but i'm all for stealing plums whenever i get the chance. sad thing is there never really is a chance for good plums.

oh well.

1:02 AM


Dave said...
If I said I had nothing to confess, that would be a lie. So, I confess that lie.

3:29 AM


FluffysFailure said...
Dave you magnificent bastard, you beat me to it and now I don't have anything to confess... As far as you know, I mean it's not a lie if it can't be proven.

3:44 AM


Homo Escapeons said...
"Our chief weapon is FEAR..FEAR and SURPRISE...Our two main weapons are FEAR and SURPRISE and an almostfanaticaldevotiontothePope!"

Well I certainly never did anything near as horrible as you did ((gasp)) but I did nick a chocolate bar once..got caught and hauled back by my Mom and had to confess, apologise and pay for it and promise to rot in hell for eternity..
which rhymes with virginity.. oh I may have 'stolen' a couple of virginities...
but that wasn't really stealing because I had to pledge neverending, undying, devotion and secrecy forever and ever and ever...D'OH!

Speaking of stolen..
I wish that Keshi's 'fragrant colored rubbers' story was more recent because it really spoiled the fantasy.

6:09 AM


Stace said...
I'm perfect. I have nothing to confess. Actually that's a complete lie. Very much so. When I was quite young, a friend and myself bought matching rings to display our friendship... I lost mine, she forgot about hers and thought she'd lost it, and then after a long time I found hers somewhere in her house. I took it! Never told her. I felt so bad, though! (I think I still have it at home...) naughty me!

10:30 AM


lee said...
aidan -that is simply completely wicked and entirely excellent.hahaha.That poor little kid -hahaha.

yeah him - I find it next to impossible to believe that you have nothing of your own to confess - I find you guilty of plagiarism and now expect Michael Palin on your door stop to get you with soft pillows.

dave -so you are wicked as well -who knew? Another Liar.Tch tch.

fluffy -you are guilty of coveting dave's comment and that is VERY NAUGHTY.That's a no-no.

he -it is obvious that you are EXTREMELY NAUGHTY and after Michael is finished with yeah him he's coming to deal with you. And put keshi out of your head -no thinking of keshi and rubbers.

stace -that is so funny.What she doesn't know won't hurt her. You felt so bad, but not bad enough to give it back-hehe. I have got one of my sister's books that I always wanted -she has forgotten that it exists .

Confession for Wednesday morning: I am listening to Elton John -even turned I'm Still Standing up QUITE LOUD.

10:45 AM


Keshi said...
**keshi was not into contraceptive devices back in her Kindergarten days -she is referring to erasers.


LOL hahahahahaahaha! Good one Lee

Keshi.

12:10 PM


Keshi said...
LOL Aidan I love ur story!

Keshi.

12:12 PM


Angel said...
Umm, these things all seem very mild and tame to me. I was hoping to hear some really juicy gossip . O.k who's done something really, really BAD? Fess up now!

10:36 PM


Ethel said...
*cough*

I might've, Angel.

Although I wasn't really that involved, since it wasn't even my school, and I wasn't really there at the time of the actual explosion. [moves away innocently]

I went through a nasty-piece-of-work stage when I was a teenager, and was quite an accomplished shoplifter at one stage. <[distances self from past]

7:55 AM


Comment deleted
This post has been removed by the author.

1:36 AM


Homo Escapeons said...
Sorry my Lawyers told me that I couldn't confess to some of my deeds because the Staute of Limitations hasn't expired so I had to delete...
but I do have the Lindbergh Baby (he's 75 now and Jimmy Hoffa can be a real pain in the ass)
Ooops apparently I can't say that either.

1:45 AM


lee said...
keshi -glad you weren't worried about me writing that -I thought later that you mightn't appreciate it at all .

Come on, angel -you sneaky woman -you got away with not confessing anything yourself -surely you might have stolen soneone's doll or something? .

ethel -it is very suprising that you were SUCH A NAUGHTY GIRL.Looks like Mr Palin will have to pay you a visit as well.He's going to be busy, it seems .

he -ah, you're a funny man . Maybe more funny than naughty.

10:17 AM


Angel said...
O.K Lee. I went bushwalking naked. I drove a car naked.I shoplifted comics in 6th class. I had sex in many unusual places. I punched a girl in the face because she was all over my boyfriend at the time.but, no, I have never stolen a doll.

11:23 AM


lee said...
oh angel -you drove a car naked!!-hahahaha. That's it - you win the A Load Of Old Cobblers Award for Naughty Person Of The Day .

12:13 PM
Posted by:daftbird

daftbird  

date: 22/03/2007 07:14 GMT
Hey Dafty I have nothing to confess cos I am a godd catholic girl but if the fellas you are planning on sending around are Tim Graeme and Bill I am sure I can make something up in order to get them to visit my place
Posted by:bondgirl

  

date: 24/03/2007 10:13 GMT
After they've been around you might have something to confess, bondy .
Posted by:daftbird

daftbird  

date: 25/03/2007 05:05 GMT
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