Graeme and Bill return to the office from a fishing trip, which wasn't particularly successful because Graeme had "used the wrong bait", according to Bill (who is dressed in an oversized carrot costume and moans "The water wasn't half cold y'know, yes! And I didn't like the way that donkey kept nibbling me!") Their weekend away is supposed to have given Tim a chance to do the spring cleaning in peace, but when they enter the office, they find junk strewn everywhere (to which Bill sarcastically snorts "Oh no, I don't think Timbo's spring cleaning has been an unqualified success!") and "lazy lump" Tim still rugged up cosily in bed. Tim is listening to Jimmy Young's latest recipe on the radio for suet dumplings, but is too lazy to get out of bed to cook it himself, so Graeme and Bill expertly prepare lunch according to Jimmy's instructions (using the large buckets of "piggy fat", whipped cream, treacle and "five stone of whale blubber" conveniently located nearby!), but not surprisingly they lose their appetite very quickly and warn Tim that he'll "get fat" eating food like that.
Tim comments that the food "looks especially delicious" and finally surfaces from bed in terribly obese shape, as he has been indulging in similarly awful fatty food the whole time that the others were away. He tunes into 'Terry's Fight Against Flab' on his trusty transistor and does the suggested exercises (though he finds it much easier to touch Bill's raised-up toes than his own!) before he is summoned out the door upon Terry's command, along with all of the other overweight housewives in the street. The cavalcade of super-sized ladies are directed by Terry's orders via their radios (with a nice lilting "Keep up at the back there!" to Tim – as if Terry can actually see what's going on!) to 'The Lazy DJ Health & Beauty Farm', where the commentary suddenly stops once the housewives are inside the gate.
The ladies (and Tim!) are then herded inside by white lab-coated boffins, whipped into shape (by a trainer in a chef's hat who kneads and rolls the flab on Tim's stomach as if it was dough), hustled through various exercise routines (with Tim tripping while running with a barbell and rolling along the road like a billycart with the boffins perched on top of him) and put on a strict diet, which consists of a carrot and a cup of water (though Tim starts to munch on the cup when the carrot is only used by the attendant to stir the water and is then thrown away!). Afterwards Tim is given a five-minute revolving beauty treatment (which rattles through various hairstyles, including punk, feminine and bald looks) before he emerges with a whole sexy new female image.
In Tim's absence, Bill constantly grumbles about doing the housework and his ineptitude results in a joint of meat being shampooed and the cat getting put in the oven instead of vice-versa (not that he is particularly contrite about the charcoaled cat – sniggering "Bit gristly, but otherwise delicious!" after taking a quick nibble, much to Graeme's horror!) Bill also has to endure a rather contrived sales pitch for Smoothomits dishwashing liquid from a smirking Graeme (where the bottle squirts the mixture up into Bill's face when he tries to squeeze it into the sink) and he sulkily roars "This is the last housework I'll do!". At this point, Tim finally returns to the office (all tarted up in a pink dress, teased-up hair and enhanced bustline!), but Bill and Graeme initially don't even notice any change in his appearance as they order him back to work ("Put your pinnie on and give us a hand"), then each eventually drop a stack of dishes in shock at his new sexy look, which he says is "all thanks to my little trannie which you despise".
Terry comes on the radio again and spruiks about the upcoming 'Miss Housewife of the Year' contest (for which he will be the compere), so Tim phones in his entry as "Timbellina Tottywallop" (explaining it as "my professional name" to a shocked Bill and Graeme) before he flounces out to get ready for the big occasion. Graeme holds the phone as Tim departs and doesn't realise immediately that Terry is still on the other end (until Terry says "Hello darling" and Graeme barks "Don't you 'darling' me, mate!"), but then gives him an earful of abuse about his "rotten contest". Under pressure from Graeme, Terry admits that he only wants "some decent talent" at the event and for none of "the fat old bats who listen to me" to enter, since he has to spend time with them and talk to them. A fired-up Graeme trumpets "Ooh hoo, those 'fat old bats' are your fans!", to which Terry replies "I don't care, they're a load of old crones!" However Terry forgets that he is still 'on air' and is instantly sacked by the BBC (despite his frantic attempts at an apology as radios are being switched off in their thousands), with his job being advertised immediately, much to Graeme's great interest ("I'm off to get a new job!").
Graeme promptly takes over BBC Radio and impersonates a range of characters (including the entire Archers cast, Eddie Waring and Jimmy Savile) in an inspired burst of power-crazed lunacy (with a mad roar of "Power! Power!" at the end for good measure); to which Bill panics that Graeme has "flipped, he's gone balmy" and also scolds Tim ("You're a half-witted cabbage, you are! You're thick … thick as old boots!"), who doesn't realise that Graeme is doing all of the voices of his favourite radio personalities. Graeme then imitates Terry and declares that the 'Miss Housewife of the Year' contest is still on, much to Bill's disgust and Tim's naive delight. However this time 'Terry' declares that "I don't want beauty queens, I want real, genuine, tubby frumpy, cuddly housewives" and encourages them all to "get out there and stuff your lovely selves with food." Bill reckons he knows what Graeme is up to and desperately blocks the door to prevent Tim from the urge to ruin his "lovely figure", while all of the other housewives go out and launch into a feeding frenzy and gorge themselves on everything edible in sight.
On the night of the contest at Albert Hall, the show kicks off with a very camp rendition of 'Les Girls' (with Bill acting as Lionel Bleugh surrounded by pink-suited male dancers) and Graeme masquerading as host Terry (with the help of a luxuriant wig). An expert housewife judging panel of milkmen (as they "know more about housewives" than anyone!) are subjected to a parade of enormously fat housewives, before the surprise appearance of the glamourous Mrs Cricklewood (with Bill gleefully placing bets with a bookmaker in the background). The mere thought of having to chat up the ladies and give the winner a big kiss proves too much for guest host Michael Aspirin, who shoots himself offstage (and gets unceremoniously dragged away, with Terry laughing it off as a "wee technical hitch"!), while the threat of a swimsuit parade proves too much for the milkmen (one in particular who screams loudly at just the thought of the girls donning swimsuits!) The grand parade collapses the catwalk (which leaves the girls floundering on the floor like beached whales) and not surprisingly, Tim as Mrs Cricklewood is declared the winner. This is much to Bill's delight (as he had put a big wager on the result) but Graeme's dismay as he hadn't wanted Tim to win the contest after all!
The result is soon in dispute as the bunch of angry, flabby housewives gun for the Goodies. After they reduce Royal Albert Hall to rubble after trying to squeeze through the double doors, the housewives run after the Goodies to wrest back the trophy. A lengthy chase ensues (with all three Goodies being sandwiched or flattened at different stages) before the exhausted Goodies notice that all of the running has caused considerable weight loss for the housewives. The Goodies therefore turn around to face the housewives, take a big breath to blow away the large baggy dresses to reveal a bunch of sexy girls in their underwear, don their 'dirty old man' outfits (a grotty mac, beret and thick glasses), stretch out their arms (with Bill pawing at the ground with his foot in anticipation as well!) and do some pursuing of their own to some well-known chase music from the 'Benny Hill Show'!
* Bill (grumbling about having to do the housework): "I've got dishpan hands, housemaid's knee, flunky's feet and butler's bum!"
* Tim (upon his return from the health farm, dressed as a woman): "Haven't you noticed anything else? I'm beautiful!"
Bill (impressed): "You know, he is a bit of a cracker, isn't he?!"
Graeme (not so impressed): "Bit effeminate!"
* Terry (on the radio, regarding the 'Miss Housewife of the Year' contest): "And don't forget, first prize is a night out with me. Second prize - a night out with Tony Blackburn. Third prize - two nights out with Tony Blackburn...!"
* Graeme (on the phone, scolding Terry): "Ugly people are human too, you know! Horrible, I'll grant you, but human!"......"You tell me, when did a big, fat, ugly man last win the Miss World title?"
* Bill (singing 'Les Girls'): "She'll really make you a man ..."
Male dancer (camply): "Oh will she make me one too!"
* Graeme (as Terry, introducing the Miss Housewife of the Year contestants): "And first on is Mrs Darlington, and this little darling weighs a ton, believe you me." ... (and a little later) "And now Mrs Liverpool. Lord have Mersey!"
* Graeme and Bill looking at a framed photo of Tim on the wall after he has left, (Bill: "You know, I reckon I'll miss him." Graeme: "Not if you aim carefully!")
with Bill then hurling a cricket ball at the photo, smashing the glass panel right in the centre and triumphantly yelling "Bullseye!"
* Graeme arriving at BBC Radio to discover a guard covered with cobwebs, then falling through the rickety old door in a shower of dust and finding a skeleton at the microphone inside (with 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again' written in chalk on the wall behind). He then takes over the "Trendy BBC" and reels off one of the best batches of imitations ever recorded (with a change of hat or appearance for each one), including the entire cast of 'The Archers' (most notably Walter Gabriel - "Oh deaaar, oh deaaar"), Eddie Waring (a heap of babble, after which he says "We'll bring you the result of this match as soon as we can find an interpreter!"), Emperor Caligula (a hairy-chested, impatient send-up of DJ Emperor Rosko), Jimmy Savile ("clunk, click, aaahaaa!"), Tony Blackburn (see below) and Alan "Fluff" Freeman ("Hi there pop pickers …") in quick succession.
* While Graeme is moonlighting as DJ Emperor Caligula, he introduces "Tony Blackburn" - a miniature lookalike wooden dummy who he sits up on his knee and provides its voice ventriloquist-style in the following exchange:
Tony: "Well Enkeror … look at me when I'm talkin' to yer! … Well Enkeror, I only like gugglegum music."
Emperor: "You only like bubblegum music, Tony, m'boy?"
Tony: "Yes, and eskecially …" (Tony goes out of control at this stage, and starts attacking Emperor)
Emperor: "Watch it, Tony! Watch it."… (Emperor regains control of Tony and sits him back on his knee again)
Tony: "Eskecially … Little Jimmy … Osmond!".
Emperor Caligula then roars "Thank you, Tony Blackburn!" and has great delight in hurling "Tony" off his knee and well away out of camera shot!
* The housewives going berserk after 'Terry' (impersonated by Graeme) has told them via the radio to "stuff your lovely selves with food" and "whatever it is, if you fancy it, eat it!"; including cleaning out a bakers' van in record time while the helpless baker looks on in horror, begging for fish seal-style at the zoo before making short work of a dolphin and an elephant (with only a few bones and an angry zookeeper left behind in their wake) and gobbling up a policeman and his car (leaving only his uniform and a few hubcaps strewn on the road afterwards) before he can get any further than uttering " 'ello, 'ello, 'ello ...!"
* The epic chase scene after the presentation of Miss Housewife, including Tim's arm stretching to great lengths as he desperately hangs onto the trophy in a tug-of-war with the ladies, the Goodies bouncing off the big fat housewives like they were in a pinball machine, Graeme narrowly dodging two fatties colliding before two more collide shortly afterwards with him being the sandwich in the middle, Bill being rolled on and squashed to a paper cut-out before being inflated with air and carrying the others up into the sky with him, and the final chase scene which Benny Hill would have enjoyed immensely!
Lay Your Weight On Me
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
The Goodies were years ahead of their time with a very enjoyable sendup of what is indeed a very weighty issue these days. Graeme's brilliant string of impersonations when taking over BBC Radio and the fun pursuit and chase scenes lift it overall from a good episode to a great one.
BLACK PUDDING RATING
Graeme the fisherman and his bait - Bill as a carrot!
Tim's spring cleaning hasn't been particularly successful
Graeme and Bill cook up Jim's recipe of suet dumplings
Tim has got fat from all of his lounging around
All of the housewives follow Terry's instructions on their radios
Tim gets hosed off after a dip in the mud bath
Tim and his barbell make a great billycart
The health farm attendant after Tim has blown him a kiss on the way out
"I reckon I'll miss him." "Not if you aim carefully!"
Bill falls for Graeme's Smoothomits prank
Tim returns from the health farm looking lovely
Graeme enters the run-down BBC Radio studio
Graeme impersonates Eddie Waring and Jimmy Savile
Emperor Caligula with 'Tony Blackburn'
Bill tries to stop "Timbellina" from going out and gorging with food
The hungry housewives clean out a bakers van and the zoo
Lionel Bleugh and dancers perform 'Les Girls'
Michael Aspirin tries to flee the beauty contest
Just thinking about the housewives in their bathing suits is too much for one milkman
The parade of fatties collapse the catwalk
Mrs Cricklewood celebrates her win
Albert Hall cracks up under the strain
A tug-o-war over the trophy
A flattened Bill after the ladies have rolled on him
The forklift lends a helping hand
The girls have slimmed down after all that running around
Look out ladies, here we come!