» Introduction & Index
» 1 Lemon Sherbet
» 2 Newsreaders
» 3 Targets: Max & Des
» 4. Goodies Turning ...
» 5. Beanz Ads
» 6. Targets: Nichola...
» 7. Goodies In Love
» 8. The Trandem
» 9. Targets: Tony Bl...
» 10. Inventions
» 11. Tim In Drag
» 12. Targets - David...
» 13. Bill's Outfits
» 14. Live Music
» 15. Targets: Mary &...
» 16. Goodies Relatives
» 17. Tim's Patriotic...
» 18. Targets: Rolf H...
» 19. Bill & Graeme i...
» 20. Sports & Games
» 21. Targets: Lionel...
» 22. Guest Stars: Pa...
» 23. Graeme's Computer
» 24. Monty Python Re...
» 25. Targets: Eddie ...
» 26. Memorable Animals
» 27. Foreigners
» 28. Targets: The Ra...
» 29. Graeme falling ...
» 30. Targets - Royal...
» 31. Tim Crying
» 32. Baddies & Villa...
» 33. Targets: Ken Ru...
» 34. Quick Change Ca...
» 35. Goodies Deaths
A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #17
TIM'S PATRIOTIC SPEECHES
(by Brett Allender)
One of the most notable and enjoyable recurring themes throughout The Goodies is the series of patriotic speeches made by Tim Brooke-Taylor. Generally to the backing tune of "Land Of Hope And Glory" and at a pivotal part of the storyline, we see Tim stand up tall and straight, arms outstretched, the love of Queen and country blazing in his eyes, loudly and proudly urging his not-so-fervent offsiders to join him in doing something noble and daring for England … until he gets totally sidetracked one way or another. This may involve the others interrupting him out of sheer boredom, him angling for a reward of sorts or him realising that there's an element of danger involved, causing his craven cowardly side to suddenly resurface.
In "Loch Ness Monster, the first episode of Series 2, Tim is adamant that the opening of the Lord Snowden Monster House at the London Zoo will be a success, despite scepticism from Graeme and Bill, so he gets Graeme's computer playing "Land Of Hope And Glory" and launches into his first big speech: "Listen you two. This is a Royal cage and it's going to be a Royal occasion. She is going to be there and she is going to expect a monster. And I deem it a great honour that we have the chance to provide one for her. And if we succeed I'm sure that she will not forget us when it comes to handing out the you-know-whats!"
G (unimpressed): " You'd do anything for an OBE, wouldn't you?" T: "Yep."
The following episode, "Commonwealth Games", provides the perfect platform for Tim to laud the glory days of the Mother Country over the far-flung reaches of the British Empire, especially when Graeme complains about Tim watching the boring sport of cricket. T: "Good heavens, the British Empire was founded on cricket." G (bemused): "I beg your pardon?! T (to background music other than "Land of Hope And Glory"): "It's true. Picture us, the English. That proud indomitable island race surrounded by a load of non cricket-playing frogs, wops, krauts and greasy dagos. But were we downhearted? No! Generations of Englishmen sallied forth to the uttermost ends of the earth to seek out ignorant savages to teach them the traditions of English justice, respect for the Queen and how to play cricket so that we could send out to them our ambassadors for goodwill, crack test teams of first-class players, and beat the living daylights out of them! B: "Aha so that's all we care about is it? Winning!" T (matter-of-factly): "Bill, you do not play cricket to win. You play it to draw!"
Later in the episode when the Goodies return to their office after the ignominy of being soundly thrashed at the Commonwealth Games by the August Bank Holiday Island team, Tim does this time fire up "Land Of Hope" in a hopeless situation. T: "It's the end. The end of the British Commonwealth of nations. The sun has finally set on the British Empire." G: " We did our best." T: "It matters not whether you win or lose but how you play the game." B: "That's right." T (mortified): "BUT WE LOST! We lost! But when an Englishman loses, he knows what to do. (raises a gun) G (to B, worried): I think we'd better leave him … alone." (they walk quietly to door) T: "We were to blame. Goodbye old friends." (holds gun in front of his head) B&G: "Goodbye" (T turns and points gun at them) B&G (panicking):" NO!" Thankfully the Minister of Sport enters at this point with the news that the former member countries have all rejoined the Commonwealth under the new August Bank Holiday Island King … except for Britain, which has been expelled because it's not good enough at sport!
"Antiques" has Tim suddenly gets all righteous and patriotic about English art treasures leaving the country, notably a portrait by Velasquez, and decides to makes a stand over it at a Sothebys art auction. T: "Are we British going to stand and watch them take it from us?" B: "Yes!" T: "Shut up! It is the duty of every Englishman in this room to join me here and defend our heritage. "G (to B, resigned): "He means us." (G plays "Land Of Hope And Glory" on the saxophone, while B holds a little Union Jack and echoes T) T: " For too long now we have stood and watched our country stripped of its noblest landmarks …" B: "Yeah, strip strip, you've gone!" T: "Too many times you've taken too much from us. London Bridge, the Queen Mary, Julie Andrews and David Frost (each followed by echoes from Bill) And we're grateful!" B: "Yes, thank you!" T: "But you're not having our Velasquez … for we stand in defiance of you as proud Englishmen …" B: "Proud Englishmen." T: "Just as Velasquez was a proud Englishman …" B: "He was Spanish!" T: "Never mind that! He looked English … a bit! And he's ours and this painting is ours and it must be presented to the nation and even if we have to buy it ourselves, we'll buy it with every English coin in our English pocket." B: "So there!" Auctioneer (calling their bluff as he is fed up with them): "Alright, how much?!" Ultimately one million billion trillion quintillion zillion pounds and 2 1/2 new pence after a frenzied bidding war with the wealthy Americans.
In "The New Office", Tim unleashes perhaps his most inspiring patriotic speech urging the Goodies to get out of their new disused railway station office and fight the horrible machines that are ruining England's greenery.
T: "My decision is we must fight (switches record player on) We must fight, for that is our duty. Let us not forget that those machines you saw out there are turning our verdant pastures into a concrete jungle. (B&G: "Aye.") Those monsters spell the end of civilization as we know it on this planet. (B&G: "Aye.") Are we going to stand by and watch England's green and pleasant land get defaced … (B&G: "No!"), desecrated … (B&G: "No!"), raped, (B&G gasp with shock and cover their ears), no! Rather let us go out and fight, vainly perhaps but gloriously, for we are Englishmen!" B&G (preparing to charge out the door): "Aye." T: "Aye! Arm yourself, my friends, and prepare to defend your honour and your heritage. Onward!" B&G: "Onward!" They both charge out the door with Tim marching behind looking as though he's ready to fight too, only for him to close the door behind them, rub his hands and wipe his brow with relief before an annoyed Graeme and Bill re-enter to drag him outside as well, to much cowardly protest!
Another chance for the Goodies to chase sporting glory for England in "Winter Olympics" has the Goodies telling the Minister of Sport to "push off" as they are sick of making fools of themselves. Tim is ultimately lured by the idea of representing his country in the Winter Olympics, so on goes the record : "Remember my friends, we are Englishmen. We'll do it. Not for reasons of personal pride. Not for the glory. Not even for the thrill. We'll do it for one thing and one thing only ... (turns record off) ... a lot of money! ", with all three Goodies holding their hands out in hope of receiving some cash for their patriotic duty.
Graeme's proposed voyage to rediscover the Lost Island Of Munga in "For Those In Peril On The Sea" has Tim all inspired to rediscover it after the French had blown it twice around the moon by detonating a H-bomb on it, at least for a little while … T: "That lost island must be claimed for England." G: " Right." T: "And it is we three who must sail forth on those unchartered waters as did the fearless mariners of old. Yes, we must follow in the wake of those men who made great discoveries … Marco Polo, Captain Cook, Hughie Green … yes, that lost island will become a bastion of the great British Commonwealth and the primitive people will learn how to wear detached collars and ties, and how to beat us at cricket. Yes, we must sail on that voyage, for England." G: "It'll be dangerous." T: "Ooh I'm not going then!"
The threat of the town planner wanting to buy Camelot from Tim's Uncle King Arthur and demolish it to build a useless three-lane highway has Tim, then surprisingly Graeme, up in arms about it being their duty to protect their heritage and defend Uncle King Arthur's property. T: "This is what I have to say to that, mate! (puts record on) It would be a national tragedy …" Planner (rapidly shutting off music): "Alright, alright, we're going!" T (upset): "I wanted to make a speech!" G: "Ah never mind Tim, I know what you mean … (puts record back on) … It would be a national tragedy, if Camelot …" T (switches record player off, horrified) "I was gonna say that! That's mine!"
In "Hospital For Hire", the ailing Minister of Health agrees to allow Graeme to put his idea of a mobile travelling hospital into action to help improve the National Health Service. The minister then comments that it will be a big job and asks if the Goodies are sure that they want to do it. T: "Yes Sir, we'll do it, for England (he puts on a "Land Of Hope" record conveniently located in the Minister's office) We'll do it, not for reasons of personal glory, not even …" G (swipes record off, and utters bluntly): "There isn't time for that!" T (blubbering): "But I wanted to make a speech!" B (sympathetically): "Aw c'mon you can make one in the bath tonight."
After inadvertently winning the Tour de France while trying to cycle to Skegness in "The Race", Graeme is keen to enter the Goodies into further events to win more prizemoney. Bill isn't so keen, but Tim agrees with Graeme. T: "It is our duty. Now that the Common Market countries have been allowed to join the empire, I've noticed they've been getting a bit too big for their boots. They must be taught a lesson. (starts record player) The British bulldog has not lost his teeth. Good old John Bull will never bow down to these greasy wops, frogs, krauts and Luxembourgians! Let them remember Agincourt, Cressy, Blenheim and Waterloo, passengers for Derby, change at Leicester! We shall beat these cocky foreigners - them and their garlic bicycles! (to a bemused look from Graeme) We are best, for we are British!" B: "Oi, what makes you so sure we'll win?" T: "We … shall cheat!"
In "Rome Antics" Bill grumbles about the traditional English way of life being spoiled by the conquering Romans, which prompts an early patriotic speech from Tim, with Bill playing "Land of Hope And Glory" on his ancient euphonium for good measure. T: "Britons do not cringe!" B (mutters): "Gawd, here we go!" T: "We are a proud island race and led by our great Queen, Boadicea, bless her, we shall be proud once again. The Romans may have come, they may have seen and they may have conquered, but when the next Roman comes through that door, what shall we say to him?! WE SHALL SAY… (Roman messenger enters) … Ooh Good morning Sir, may I lick your boots!"
When trapped inside a block of concrete in "The End", two of the many points of argument among the Goodies are the determining of social rank and the allocation of chores. Graeme eventually settles the argument between Bill and Tim by declaring that Tim may become a lord but he still has to clean the shoes, to which Tim somewhat reluctantly agrees. T: "Oh alright, I suppose we all have to strive together to create a new society (puts on record) We shall build a fine … " (Bill takes record off gramophone and smashes it to bits – after several failed attempts which make for great blooper footage!) T (outraged): You … what did you do that for!" B (cheekily): "Silent revolution, m'lord Timbo!"
Then at the conclusion of this episode, the three futuristic space-suited Goodies finally manage to tunnel though into the office, but find that they are too late to rescue their predecessors. The space age Tim laments their passing: "Never knowing that there were those who came after them to carry on their noble tradition (he presses a button on space suit to activate a recording of "Land Of Hope And Glory") A tradition of honesty and integrity, but above all courage, yes, courage my friends. Just as they had courage, just as we have courage, and just as … the tunnel is collapsing! (starts freaking out) I can't stand it, I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot …!"
Another futuristic Goodies episode, "2001 And A Bit", sees young Bill Brooke-Taylor take over the running of the Goodies from his ancient father Tim and naturally he's a dab hand at making patriotic speeches too, particularly when "young scruffpot" Tim Garden enters the office and asks what's going on. BBT (starts cassette of "Land of Hope And Glory"): "What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! The golden age. The new magnificent time when we, the new brave Goodies, led by me, the great Bill Brooke-Taylor, march forward for England …" (a bored TG turns the cassette player off, and Bill starts bawling) You've spoilt my first speech!" TG: "Well it was so boring, wasn't it?!" Shortly afterwards, BBT restarts his speech: "We've gotta get out there righting wrongs, fighting lawbreakers, just like our Dads.", only for TG turns the cassette player off again, saying it was alright for their Dads (including his own "raving loony" father) because everything they did back then was naughty. BBT tries one more time: "Listen, I think this is a wonderful time to be alive. The golden age of Jolly King Charles!" only to finally give up when TG retorts: "That buffoon! You wait 'til his program drops out of the top 10. Then he'll be out on his ear. (chuckles) At least he'll have a soft landing! Ear, ear!"
Later in the episode, also BBT produces a rousing cricket poem to revive the MCC, featuring lines such as: "We'll show them all with bat and ball, in spite of our lumbago. We're not caught out by frog or kraut, nor greasy wop nor dago!" which inspires the long-retired cricketers to march out singing their battle anthem 'We Are The Lads Of The MCC'.
"Dodonuts" has a raucous Tim just beginning to deliver a patriotic speech to the members of the Endangered Species Club upon its own imminent extinction after that "grotty little screwball Oddie" has deprived them of having any further endangered animals to hunt. However he barely gets to put the record on and bellow: "No more, will there …" before he is quickly interrupted by Graeme, who reminds him: "There is one left … dodo!"
In "War Babies", Prime Minister Churchill asks the three young Goodies to go up in a plane, parachute into the middle of Germany, travel to Stuttgart, buy him a nice box of cigars and then come home. Despite the Germans being unlikely to suspect or harm three little boys, Bill and Graeme are reluctant to do so until a baby babble "Land Of Hope And Glory" speech by Tim convinces them to do it.
Tim's final opportunity to deliver a patriotic speech comes when the Goodies venture to the testing ground to find out if they are still fit to be Goodies in "Change Of Life". He has to produce a patriotic speech within 30 seconds, however he falls backwards off the podium before he can utter a word and is completely shown up by the Robot which sends off a burst of fireworks, Union Jack flags and "Land of Hope" from inside its head!
In a past interview for the Goodies Clarion & Globe, Tim was asked "How similar are you to your Goodies character?, to which he replied: "I like to think not a lot. But there are some similarities. The name for a start. I am patriotic and sometimes a coward." The patriotism and cowardice are a contrasting combination that works well on-screen for Tim's Goodies character and makes for a memorable and humourous feature of the show.
PHOTO GALLERY .
2.1 Loch Ness Monster
"This is a royal cage and it's going to be a royal occasion!"
2.2 The Commonwealth Games
"Bill, you do not play cricket to win. You play it to draw!"
"Too many times you've taken too much from us!"
3.1 The New Office
"Prepare to defend your honour and your heritage! Onward!"
3/3 Winter Olympics
"We'll do it for one thing and onr thing only ... a lot of money!"
3/5 For Those In Peril On The Sea
"That lost island must be claimed for England"
Graeme steals Tim's speech - "It would be a national tragedy ... !"
4/3 Hospital For Hire
"We'll do it, not for reasons of personal glory ..." "There isn't time for that!"
"But I wanted to make a speech!
4/6 The Race
"We shall beat these cocky foreigners, them and their garlic bicycles!"
5/9 Rome Antics
"When the next Roman comes through that door, what shall we say to him?!"
5.13 The End
"Silent revolution, m'lord Timbo!"
"Just as ... the tunnel is collapsing!"
6/6 2001 And A Bit
Tim's son, Bill Brooke-Taylor, makes his first speech as Tim Garden watches on
"No more will there ..." "There is one left! Dodo!"
8/6 War Babies
A patriotic babble from tiny Timbo
9/4 Change Of Life
Tim fails his Patriotic Speech test ...
... and is shown up by the Robot