» Introduction & Index
» 1 Lemon Sherbet
» 2 Newsreaders
» 3 Targets: Max & Des
» 4. Goodies Turning ...
» 5. Beanz Ads
» 6. Targets: Nichola...
» 7. Goodies In Love
» 8. The Trandem
» 9. Targets: Tony Bl...
» 10. Inventions
» 11. Tim In Drag
» 12. Targets - David...
» 13. Bill's Outfits
» 14. Live Music
» 15. Targets: Mary &...
» 16. Goodies Relatives
» 17. Tim's Patriotic...
» 18. Targets: Rolf H...
» 19. Bill & Graeme i...
» 20. Sports & Games
» 21. Targets: Lionel...
» 22. Guest Stars: Pa...
» 23. Graeme's Computer
» 24. Monty Python Re...
» 25. Targets: Eddie ...
» 26. Memorable Animals
» 27. Foreigners
» 28. Targets: The Ra...
» 29. Graeme falling ...
» 30. Targets - Royal...
» 31. Tim Crying
» 32. Baddies & Villa...
» 33. Targets: Ken Ru...
» 34. Quick Change Ca...
» 35. Goodies Deaths
A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #16
GOODIES RELATIVES & ANCESTORS
A recurring plot line particularly in the early series is for the Goodies to go and visit one of Tim's seemingly plentiful and somewhat eccentric relatives for a relaxing time that inevitably ends up being rather frenetic instead. In later series there is also the chance to see the Goodies ancestors in "Alternative Roots" and their descendents in "2001 And A Bit, plus there are a number of other cameos involving relatives of the Goodies in various episodes of the show.
Right at the very start of the first Goodies episode "Beefeaters", the Goodies enter their new office with Tim and Bill being most impressed with Graeme's handiwork. T: "It's fantastic! You've done a wonderful job." G: "Yes I think I've spent your money pretty well." T: "Thank you … Aunty.", looking up at the large portrait of his dear departed (and very fancily dressed) Aunty which has pride of place on the wall of the office.
In "Give Police A Chance" the Police Commissioner has the Goodies office surrounded by cops because he has left his gloves behind in the office and is determined to get them back by force if necessary. After getting the local vicar on the loudhailer to plead to the Goodies to give themselves up (or give the gloves up at least) the police get "Tim's mother" to make a brief appearance before Tim throws the gloves out the window, causing everyone to duck for cover as if he has thrown a far more lethal object. As the police leave, a somewhat sheepish Tim calls out the window: "Bye Commissioner. Bye bye Mum!"
After the Goodies endure a horrible meal of tasteless canned, frozen and processed food when dining out at Ye Olde Shepherds Restaurant in the Series 2 episode "Food", Tim suggests that they visit his Uncle Tom's farm to sample some decent fresh farm food. He also suggests that they should wear frocks and large straw hats like all simple country folk do, but they get quite a surprise when they find Uncle Tom (John Le Mesurier of "Dad's Army" fame) dressed like a scientist in a white lab coat and rather bemused at their strange get-up.
Uncle Tom's farm is basically a room filled with computers that enable farm chores such as feeding the hens and milking the cows to be performed at the press of a button. The animals are all kept in battery pens (apart from a few hens that run off the mains!) and there are a number of experiments being carried out such as the production of square eggs and boneless chickens that the Goodies find quite disconcerting.
The Goodies are given a huge list of chores to perform, but after more than four days at the farm they are far too revolted to eat any of Uncle Tom's vile food, so they set about stopping the demand for it by taking up waiters jobs at Ye Olde Shepherds Cottage, who are the main purchasers of Uncle Tom's produce. Uncle Tom's comment regarding the waiters jobs of: "You'll get four quid a day and your meals thrown in." draws a disgusted riposte of: "You mean thrown up!" from Tim. After changing the wiring to feed gunpowder to the hens, concrete to the cows and rubber to the bullocks, they serve up food which explodes, pies which run around on the plate and steaks which stretch to the size of a tablecloth. The customers all either faint or leave in disgust and both the Ye Olde Shepherd and Uncle Tom's battery farm are soon put out of business.
After starving for ten days, Bill is ready to sacrifice the first happy naturally grown chicken, but is stopped by Uncle Tom who has seen the light, and actually seen his animals, after having them in cages for 25 years. He had always wanted to be a zookeeper and now wants to look after 'Esmerelda' (who now has a name rather than just a number) and his other animals by playing them music and feeding them fresh country produce, much to the horror of the ravenous Goodies. To placate their demands for food, Uncle Tom puts the Goodies in the battery enclosures and feeds them grain, which leads to loud clucking noises and three big eggs sliding out the chutes below.
In "Gender Education" the Goodies are sifting through all of the correspondence following the release of their controversial sex education film for Mrs Desiree Carthorse and Tim reads out one of the letters: "Call yourselves Goodies? Baddies is more like it. You must be sick. I only hope that a great big burglar breaks into your homes, steals your ill-gotten gains and smashes your ugly faces in. Much love, Mummy. … (horrified) Mummy?!"
"Hunting Pink" in Series 3 sees Tim dressed up as a guardsman (or a "six-foot scarlet lavatory brush", according to Bill!) as he is off to visit his Great-Uncle Butcher and wants to impress in the hope that his great-uncle will leave him all his money in his will. Bill and Graeme find this rather despicable - but a very good idea - so they invite themselves along for the ride as well.
Upon arrival at the country mansion Tally Ho Towers, the Goodies soon discover that Great-Uncle Butcher is the horsey type, thanks to a horse peering out of a second storey window and their bike being covered with a rug and led away to the stables. Great-Uncle Butcher (a rather grey and grizzled-looking Tim wearing riding gear) eventually greets Tim inside, bellowing raucously and walking bow-legged as if riding upon an imaginary horse, to the tune of his butler Basterville clapping two coconuts together to simulate horse's hooves.
Bill and Graeme re-enter the room wearing tweed suits and bellowing just as loudly about their own riding and hunting exploits ("Well, I fell off my leg and broke a horse!") which greatly impresses Butcher and he leaves Tim all the money in his will. The Goodies unsuccessfully assist Butcher with mounting his horse for hunting practice and he eventually resorts to an army tank, demolishing his neighbour's fence and vegie garden in hot pursuit of a rabbit before snuffing it from the sheer excitement of blasting the bunny to bits with a well-aimed shell from the tank. The Goodies are then required to perform the sad duty of carrying both the rabbit and Butcher back to Tally Ho Towers dangling from hunting poles and it seems that the hunting is over until Tim inherits Butcher's bloodlust – (the next hunt will be) "bigger and better and rottener and crueller – I'm sure it's what my Great Uncle Butcher would have wanted" – forcing Bill and Graeme to try to put a stop to his fiendish plans.
In "Camelot", Tim awaits an important letter from his Uncle King Arthur ("Well, Arthur King!") who lives at Camelot along with Queen Doris, Uncle Sir Lancelot and several other royal relatives. Naturally Bill and Graeme think that Tim's uncle must be a loony, especially when the letter arrives as a parchment scroll delivered by several of the King's men. Tim politely tells them "We thank you. ... Push off!" and reads the letter aloud in a rather regal tone: "Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. This missive writ on the 12th day of Aprilie in the year of our Lord Nineteen Seventy-Thrillie by the hand of his most gracious Majesty King Arthur of Camelot, 33 Acacia Road, Solihull to his most loyal kinsman Lord Timothy Le Goodie of London Town. (changes to a common accent) Dear Tim, Me 'n the Missus is off to the seaside for a coupla days so hows about lookin' after the old parlour for us til we get back. The key's under the drawbridge, there's a couple of frozen stags in the fridge, please feed the bloodhounds and don't forget to give the bear a bit of a dance every night. Nice one Tim, ol' son. All the best, Uncle Arthur King (B (interjecting): "And loony!") PS We've been having a bit of bother with the local planners lately. Scare 'em off and I'll make you Earl Of Northumbria."
Tim has never been to visit his Uncle King Arthur ("Not likely, he's a raving loony!") but the Goodies are soon aboard their trandem and off to save Camelot. To their amazement, amid a street of ordinary houses, they find that number 33 is a huge medieval castle complete with moat and drawbridge. Uncle King Arthur and family leave Camelot for their holiday, as they don cloth caps and board the bus to exotic Bognor, while the Goodies are left to duel with the devious town planner who wants to bulldoze the castle in order to build "the Camelot Highway providing a totally unnecessary eyesore miles away from the Stonehenge power station, the Warwick Castle supermarket and the Buckingham Palace cement factory!" At the end of the episode, Uncle King Arthur and his family return refreshed from their holiday to their castle that remains unchanged from centuries past … except for the prominent fluorescent 'Bingo Tonite' sign, which glows brightly on the raised drawbridge thanks to Graeme's attempt to turn it into a tourist attraction.
"Kung Fu Kapers" has Bill refusing to "commit Harry Corbett" by telling Tim and Graeme the secret behind the subtle Lancastrian martial art of Ecky Thump that he happens to be a master of, so the others try to rile him by bragging that their own relatives are masters of martial arts that are vastly superior.
T: "Well if he's not going to tell us the secret of Ecky Thump, I shall not after all tell him about my Uncle Taffy, who practices the even more deadly martial art of Yach-y-daa." B: "I don't wanna know!" G: "In that case you probably don't want to know about the mysteries revealed to me by my cousin Pierre; master of the French martial art of Oh-hoh-hee-hoh!" B (rather scornfully): " What's that?! What's that all about?!" T (with French accent): "Nevair you mind!" G: "And I shan't even allude..." T: "Allude not!" G: " … to my wee cousin Hamish who has a black sporran in the Scottish martial art of Hoots Toots Och Aye The Noo!" T: "Mention him not Grae, as indeed I shall not mention my Uncle Izzy who is the Golders Green Oy Vey champion!" B (annoyed): "Aw come on, you're makin' em' all up!" T: "Oh no we're not." B: " Well I don't care. I could lick the lot of 'em, I could!" T&G: "Oh yes, how?" B (very annoyed): "All right, all right, right you've got me going now, you really have! But on your own heads be it. I challenge you two and all your relations to a trial of martial arts tomorrow at dawn on Primrose Hill, and I trust they'll all be there." G (caught off-guard): " Not all at once!"
Of course it doesn't matter, as Bill's lethal black pudding is more than a match for the United Nations parade of Kung Fu Tim, Graeme's African boxing cousin, Tim's breadstick-wielding French relative, Aussie Graeme with his boomerang and finally Scottish Tim and his wailing flailing bagpipes, that may not have floored Bill, but did famously manage to cause a viewer to laugh himself to death while watching it.
The episode "2001 And A Bit" gives us a fascinating view of the future by introducing the three sons of the Goodies: the grovelling namby-pamby Bill Brooke-Taylor, fuzzy-chopped clever clogs Tim Garden and scruffy violent destructive Graeme Oddie. An ancient Tim BT has run the firm on his own since Bill O was fired 25 years ago because "he kept biting people" and Graeme G was "put away for having an unnatural relationship with his computer!". However Tim is knackered and finally ready to hand it over to young Bill BT, especially now that he has proven to be "a credit to the Brooke-Taylors. A right little crawler!"
Tim BT produces an ancient photo album and opens it up to a photo of the scantily clad Raquel Welsh. Bill BT (excitedly): "Cor wallop, way-hey-hey!" TBT (deadpan): "That's your mother." BBT: "Oh sorry, Sir." TBT: "Don't worry, I used to feel the same way myself – whoa wallop hey ooh yeah!… (composes himself) … You never knew your mother, did ya?" BBT "No I didn't, Sir" TBT: "Yeah well I did. Quite well actually Trouble is, the other two knew her equally well. We sort of realised that when one day these three arrived. (shows BBT photo of newborn triplets) Well to be perfectly honest we weren't absolutely certain who was um, responsible, so we took one each. (Looks at BBT then a photo of BO on the wall) Sometimes I think we may have made a little bit of a slip, yeah. It didn't help your mother insisting on calling the three of them after the three of us … heh, funny sense of humour, ol' Raquel!"
Young Tim Garden enters the office just in time to spoil Bill BT's first patriotic speech, and complains that life was more enjoyable in their father's era because everything they did back then was naughty. Nowadays though, everything is so boring because all of the really bad activities have been legalised. Bill tells Graeme that he should be inventing new things, pointing to a photo of GG on the wall, saying: "This is your chance to emulate your father. Great man. Great man." TG (aghast): "He was a raving loony!" BBT (reverently): "He was a great raving loony!" Shortly after they view even more widespread boredom on television, the office door is crashed down by a rampant Graeme Oddie, dressed in gridiron gear on a set of roller blades after playing rollerball. After a terse conversation with the others, Graeme points to photo of BO on the wall and forcefully says: "You think I'm mindless?! Look into those eyes. Look into them. Nothing! Not one single solitary thought ever crossed that mind ... except BASHING .. PEOPLE'S .. FACES .. IN!"
The only solution is to return to the good old days and give the crowds something really mind-bogglingly, rivetingly, excruciatingly dull and pointless - by reviving cricket- which leads to some fun interaction between the young and old Goodies, including BBT & TG singing the old theme song in unison only to get stuck half way ("Goodies! Goody, goody ... thing, thing!") and TBT greeting his old chums BO and GG at the MCC, only for them to forget who he is, even to the point of mistaking him for Nicholas Parsons and pelting him with fruit!
Having seen the Goodies' sons in "2001 And A Bit", the focus shifts to their ancestors in the first episode of Series 7; "Alternative Roots". We firstly get to see the portraits of a couple of Tim's ancestors; namely the rather sissy St. Giles Brock Tayeux. (T: "He came across with William the Conqueror" B (looking at St. Giles' poncy portrait): "Yeah, he'd come across with anyone, wouldn't he?!") and Beau Brooke-Taylor who is also notable for his huge chin, which runs in the family - causing Bill to dryly remarks that noses run in his family! In fact Tim comments that as his family became more upper class, his family trait has been bred out to the point that he is the perfect chinless wonder!
Tim's family coat of arms supposedly represents a field quartered, the family initials, the fat stag of Cheltenham and various other impressive things, only for Bill to provide an alternative interpretation by turning the crest sideways to display a robber's mask, a dead sheep, prison stripes and a set of gallows (B: "And this isn't a fat stag rampant in a field of goolies! No way, that's a dead sheep, that is!"), revealing that Tim's ancestors were actually sheep stealers!
Graeme makes an appearance at this point unrecognisably clad in tartan gear and telling of the search for his ancestor Celtic Kilty's heritage in 'Hoots', featuring lots of appalling Scottish place name puns like Loch Jaw, Ben Doon, Glen Campbell, Firsdgree Burn and Dunghill, and even worse people names, like his ancestor's parents Angus Turabitters and Flora MacKitchen! Graeme also highlights the lifestyle of the primitive village folk (with their TVs, table tennis sets, computers, etc), Celtic Kilty's total immersion in porridge (with the young maidens of the village having the pleasure of licking it off afterwards!) and the traditional haggis hunt which ends when Celtic Kilty knocks the haggis out of a tree with a well-aimed rock.
Bill then relates the tale of his own ancestors who descended from Johnny Applefarm in a tale called 'Froots' which tells of the 'Oo ar' tribe of fruitgrowers, where lads become men as soon as they can suck a piece of straw and do the funny voice! His ancestor (aptly named Kinda Kinky!) spends his time singing and dancing until the fateful day when the tourist traders arrive at his village. All of the fit young men are rounded up by the evil Tourmaster aboard a bus which then heads north to Dunghill and rounds up Celtic Kilty and his fellow Scotsmen, before it snaffles Tim's ancestor County Cutie and his fellow sheep stealers on the way back to London. After all sorts of communication problems and being herded all over London by the cruel Tourmaster, the young men are delivered to their final terrible humiliating destination - the BBC Studios!
In "Earthanasia" Tim needs to be cured of his inhibitions about his belly button, which is covered with an A-string (G (demandingly): "And WHAT is an A-string?!" T: "It's a G-string, but a little higher up!"), so Graeme hypnotises Tim so that he reverts to his childhood as a ten year old lad in short pants coming home from school to his Mum – played by Bill wrapped in a shawl. B: "When are you going to leave that posh school 'ey, and get yourself a proper man's job down t'pit!" T: "But mother, mother dear, you know that I want to be a hair artiste and become a credit to Brooke-Taylors." B (annoyed): "Taylors lad, Taylors! That's t' family name! Don't give me any of your Brooke hyphen airy-fairy airs and graces, I mean, honestly that a son of mine could have turned out to be such a flaxen-haired, namby-pamby, niminy-piminy … oooh!"
"Tim's Mum" insists that she scrapes his belly button clean for the big parade on Belly Button Sunday, but Tim doesn't want her to attend because he is ashamed of her, causing her to start bawling. T: "I'm sorry, but it's true. I'm ashamed of her. G: "Stop it, stop it! Tim, that's not really your mother, it's Bill playing an irresponsible prank. Wake up, Tim, Tim, is that anything like your real mother?" (He looks at Bill, who peeks out from the shawl with a silly look on his face) T (upset):"Yes it is, it's just like her!" B (shocked): "Eee!" T: "The voice, the clothes, but above all, the beard! It was the beard that really used to shame me. All the lads used to pass remarks like: 'Hey Curly Tops … whose Mum's got jowl-to-jowl carpeting!' My young life was misery." B: "Tim, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." G (displeased): "You're supposed to be getting rid of his inhibitions – you've made them worse!" B: "I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."T: "It's not my fault I didn't grow up big tough and hairy like my Mum!"
The final BBC episode, "War Babies", looks at the year of 1939 with the storm clouds of war gathering over Europe, but on the home front, all eyes are on a simple Lancashire lady who is about to give birth. As her belly gets bigger and bigger, the newspaper headlines speculate on an increasingly higher number of babies for her (twins, triplets, etc - eventually to 'Blimey It's A Football Team!'). This leads to the ambulance crew whacking her stomach on the top of the door frame as they try to stretcher her into hospital, the chain-smoking father nervously pacing the floor with the clock whizzing round and round until he belts it in frustration and a team of doctors flying out the door while trying to perform the delivery tug-o-war style. After all of that drama she produces just one baby - a fully grown ten stone tot Bill complete with bushy beard – who causes his father to faint in shock after he utters "Hello Daddy!", then starts bawling himself.. His birth then produces headlines such as "Cor, what a whopper!", while a tiny article at the bottom of the page informs that war has been declared.
Baby Bill soon tests his parents out with his ravenous appetite by pounding on the table demanding a huge bottle of milk, scoffing it down rapidly, being perched upon his father's shoulder and then billowing the curtains out the window with a gigantic burp. He also blows out the candles on his second birthday cake with a big deep breath, only to send the cake splattering onto the head of his poor hapless father.
The final, though rather weird, instance of a Goodies relative comes in the ITV episode "Robot" where Bill has been given the sack for being "useless, irritating and lazy" by his own admission. He returns inside to pack up his belongings, shoving them into a dirty garbage bin, but is shocked to find that Tim's state of extreme anxiety is not from a guilty conscience over his own sacking, rather because it seems as though Graeme is about to give birth! (B: "It's not possible! It's not natural! It's not very nice!") After a loud pop and a hearty wail is heard in the background, Graeme proudly appears with a blanket-clad baby robot (that even has his eyes!) which will eventually grow up to replace Bill (who leaves in disgust, supposedly never to return), but Tim and Graeme soon have problems tending to it during the night. Graeme tries singing "Rock a bye Robot" and bouncing it up and down on Tim's bed because he is too selfish to take his turn getting up, then pulls Tim's Union Jack pyjama top open and demands that he breastfeed the robot (G: "You know it'd have your nipples off!" T: "Why don't you do it?!" G: "I am not ruining my figure for anyone!"). Graeme also snipes at Tim for never oiling it or draining its little sump, while Tim groans "Gordon Bennett! What oil did you use?!" at Graeme after the robot loudly breaks wind, so they decide that they need a nanny to look after it - the hideous "Helga from Sweden" (Bill with beard intact and a blond wig, makeup, white fur stole, pink top, mini skirt, knee-length white boots and an enormous pair of cone-shaped knockers!)
Graeme's home movies of the robot's early years show it growing up mainly in the care of Helga, who hates it with a passion and deliberately mistreats it and tries to dump it in various locations, only to be constantly thwarted because Graeme has programmed to return home each time. Graeme and Tim's lack of involvement in the robot's formative years (apart from indulging it and spoiling it rotten on the odd occasion), sees them ultimately have real troubles when it reaches its teenage years. Graeme and Tim argue over whether the robot is a male or a female, while Helga is of the opinion that "robots are totally without sex", which draws a derisive "Not for much longer sweetie!" from the robot, who has returned home with his "tin trollop" girlfriend. He appreciates Tim's command to get up to his room immediately and Graeme starts to ponder where he and Tim went wrong. The robot ruins their lives - and the ceiling - as he bangs and clunks around upstairs having "wallop wallop, nooky nooky!" with his newly-found love interest. Tim tries to deliver a fatherly speech to the robot, who merely blows off and yells "boring!" as Tim tries to think of something suitable to say, while Graeme's attempt to set a good example (when he dresses up as a good robot in tinfoil and kitchen implements) fails miserably when the robot takes a fancy to him. The robot is now only interested in sex and loud music (as the 'Funky Gibbon' blares from its speakers!), and when it grows long hair and a beard, Tim and Graeme are shocked to realise that it has turned out to be just like Bill!
Regardless of whether the relatives were real or imaginary, uncles or aunties, past or future, human or robotic, they added an enjoyable dimension to the adventures of the Goodies in quite a number of different episodes.
Tim's benevolent Auntie
1/3 Give Police A Chance
[photo of Tim's Mum to be added soon]
Uncle Tom's factory farm
[photo of Uncle Tom to be added soon]
3/2 Hunting Pink
The excitement is too much for Great-Uncle Butcher
[photo of Uncle King Arthur and family to be added soon]
5/7 Kung Fu Kapers
One of Graeme's African cousins!
Tim's French cousin Pierre
Graeme's relative from Australia (Cousin Rolf?!)
Ecky Thump vs Hoots Toots Och Aye The Noo
6/6 2001 And A Bit
Sons of The Goodies: Bill Brooke-Taylor, Tim Garden and Graeme Oddie
Tim and Bill Brooke-Taylor
The three ancient Goodies at the MCC
7/1 Alternative Roots
Graeme's Scottish ancestor Celtic Kilty and his parents
Bill's ancestor Kinda Kinky and his applegrowing parents
The Goodies ancestors on the slave trader's bus
Tim and his "Mum" during therapy to cure his inhibitions
8/6 War Babies
War baby Bill demands more milk from his parents
The baby robot even has Graeme's eyes!