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BLESS 'EM, BLESS 'EM, SILLY OLD COWS
(by Brett Allender)
(for C&G #144 November 2007)
(A tribute to the Goodies mock commercials)
I've just switched off my TV set
To dodge that boring political debate
But now I must switch it on again
Oh, I hope I'm not too late
I am a "Class D consumer"
A housewife with little cotton socks
And the Goodies always bless me
'Cos I think their commercial break rocks
I make my cheap phone calls when no-one's home
To those funny chaps in the Yellow Pages
My hubby flew out on an air hostess
And I haven't seen the blighter in ages
He's gone on an Honest Holiday
Flashing his American Excess
And his Bob Murray Supermatic Camera pics
Have landed him in a fine old mess
He's been carted off to the Coppe Shoppe
As they reckon he's some kind of whacko
Especially as he tried to skip away
With that nice man puffing Butch Tobacco
Meanwhile here's me in my drudgery
This housework has left me aghast
I'd better whip up some more Bristo Gravy Mix
To get rid of those Rolf Harrises fast!
I feed my kids Plastic Spacemen for brekky
With a free cornflake in every pack
Ol' Captain Fishface has my youngest boy
But I don't want the little bugger back
If he ends up in my rissoles
It just might be a tasty change
From fresh meaty new (meow) burgers
And other food quite strange
I swear by my sliced butter and extra hard bread
And my half-sized Goodies tea set
My Soft Golden Dairy Margarine is still in the fridge
As I'm not game to open it yet
"I fink I'll have anovver one"
Of those Goodlop tyres I'm keen on
And maybe rot out what's left of my teeth
On that sticky sweet Vibena
Or just a quick puff of my Henson and Bedges
While I pile Nosho upon my dog's plate
As we both cough and choke in all of that smoke
The stupid mutt won't know what he ate!
It's time for the washing and that Fairy Puff Man
He knows what he's doing, I suppose
When I strip bare of my "grey grey grey" underwear
He just minces "I'm going to wash these clothes!"
Square Deal Surge isn't much better, you know
When you compare it pound for pound
Hmm, I might have to stop using Low Suds Mold
At least they send the boys around!
But I wouldn't swap my packet of Razz
For a hundred pounds or the Crown Jewels
The QE2 won't wash my clothes like new
Does that ad man think I'm a fool?!
I must do my Fingertip Slimming Test
As midriff bulge is something I dread
Then find my teenager's Gloscalp Dandruff Shampoo
And Baldicleanse all those words off his head
And here's his Kung Poo aftershave
Mixed up with my Stuffed Olive Soap
I oughtta go fetch my Westminster Submachine Gun
And exterminate the pesky little dope
A bit of Stones Linament on my aching joints
I relax and start to daydream
As I chew on my Twoey Gum, I'd surely like
A big plate of Heanz Baked …..
No I wouldn't!! I'd like onion soup with croutons and a honeydew melon, and not forgetting the steak dianne with pimento sauce and courgettes and, of course, ratatouille and scampi in white wine, and not to mention the braised artichoke hearts, and what meal would be complete without a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild and … "GET IT RIGHT!!" (SPLAT!!)
(Written on Robinson's Paper – the strong one!)