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FROM BARD TO VERSE
by Brett Allender
A collection of birthday poems to each of the Goodies from past Clarion & Globe newsletters.
(1) TIM (C&G # 32 July 1998)
It's an honour that no Goody has ever seen
Though it's not a knighthood from the Queen
Nor is it that long awaited OBE
But a tribute in the Goodies Clarion & Globe.
Along with a thousand other loyal fans
I'll crank up the gramophone and proudly stand
A verse of "Land Of Hope" we'll sing
And dedicate this birthday ode to Tim.
The Goodies may have ended in '82
But Tim, here's a birthday treat for you
As so many fond memories still remain
I'd like to relive some of them again.
Like your Union Jack vest and flaxen haired mop
Defending England from "krauts, frogs and wops"
With stirring speeches to "Hope And Glory"
But when danger loomed, that's another story.
Panic attacks and freezing on the spot
Tipping the arms, yelling "I'm a teapot!"
That frequent blubbering high pitched whine
These are antics that soon spring to mind.
You had so many weird and wonderful roles
The masked shot-putter, falling down potholes
Tim Revolta, disco heaving and shiny shoes
Big Foot, the mumps and New Improved Snooze.
Flaunting your belly button at Christmas time
The Fairy Puff Man and Heenz Meenz Beenz rhymes
Drunk then Jewish when trapped in concrete
Punkarella, baby Churchill and wrestling sheep.
Brown Owl, woggle jokes and all those cold showers
A bunny gunned down after sniffing a flower
The Goodyfather, Texas Tim and County Cutie
That teary run in Black And White Beauty.
And what of the memorable musical fare
Like the Midnight Cowperson and his prickly pair
On "Top Of The Pops" and the Almost Live fling
Holding that embarrassed girl tight in Wild Thing!
But it's those cross-dress roles that were a real feature
Supernun, Barbara Woodhouse, Lady Macbeth and Timita
You probably hoped that I'd forgotten
About Mrs Cricklewood - wow she was a hot 'un!
Cecily's nanny with the Lady Constance voice
A women's lib protester was an unusual choice
The pepperpots in various mock advert scenes
You were Charlie's bride and even the Queen.
Our next video night could be fancy dress
But I can't go like your ladies, I sadly confess
'Coz I simply just ain't got the legs
And still the question of what to wear begs
I could quote Graeme's poem from "A Change Of Life"
But being "Hello Cheeky" will get me in strife
My Dad's your age too and I'm quite sure he would
Ecky thump me, bah goom, with a big black pud!
So on behalf of your legion of fans on the Net
Your role in The Goodies we'll never forget
From all of us in Britain, the States and Australia
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR!!!
(2) GRAEME (C&G # 38 February 1999)
It's time for another Goody birthday tribute
To the man in a slip-on brown corduroy suit
With thick-rimmed glasses that make him look wise
And those "fuzzy chops" sideburns of incredible size
Who is he, you ask - well that's not a hard 'un
It could only be the great Graeme Garden
An absolute legend of the comedy scene
And the looniest scientist on the tv screen
Although The Goodies finished years ago
We fans still idolise such a brilliant show
So Graeme, although we're not too sane
Please accompany us down Memory Lane
You continually came up with madcap inventions
Usually created with the best of intentions
Like your TARDIS-style office with room to move
A cure for Tony Blackburn, New Improved Snooze
But every so often you ran off the rails
Creating a pirate post office to deliver the mail
In black-clad garb, such vitriol you hurled
"Today the post office, tomorrow the world!"
Greedy Graeme at the OK Tea Rooms bunfight
Sending rabbits to the moon on a cruel space flight
Encasing the office in a block of concrete
And a plague of Rolf Harrises was hardly a treat
Your inventive lunacy had a crowning feature
The creation of some unforgettable creatures
Kitten Kong demolishing the Post Office tower
Big Bunny on the moon showing off "wabbit power"
Frankenfido on the trandem pedalling away
Your robot, his tin trollop and some way-hey-hey
The Almighty Cod slowly being driven nuts
By an endless Max Bygraves tune inside its guts
You had so many other interesting parts
A punk waiter and doctor, the strange Arthur C. Clarke
The Lone Scout and his "500 quid a job week" sting
Celtic Kilty, Kerry Thwacker, an ad man flogging string
Those fabulous babbling Eddie Waring impressions
A wild west gunfighter in an epic movie session
Spreading the clown virus all over the place
Converting the office to a car to compete in the race
A runaway stuffed gibbon after a magic spell
Those spectacular falls which we all know so well
A voice box in your computer almost got you a wife
But sucking up to Mildred Makepiece just got you in strife!
You only dragged up on the rare occasion
Olivia Newton Grayboots was quite a sensation
Amazing Gracie, Princess Anne, they sort of looked prim
Though not nearly as sexy as a cross-dressed Tim!
Your loony scientist role ceased many years back
But it certainly left a lasting impact
I'm sure that those great childhood memories
Spurred me on to complete my science degree
I've now worked in a lab for over ten years
And in a little back room where no-one else peers
Sits the great Frankenfido, nearly back in one piece
I just need darker sunglasses so I can install Donny's teeth!
So until we share the novelty breeds prize at Crufts
All the best with your other top comedy stuff
You and Tim on "Clue" are as funny as ever
And "If I Ruled The World" is wickedly clever
If you really did rule over the human race
There's no doubt the world would be a much funnier place
From the Goodies Rule OK and all of our members
Graeme, may your birthday be one to remember
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOCTOR GRAYBUNGLES!
(3) BILL (C&G # 43 July 1999)
Here's a third and final Goody birthday ode
After which I'll promptly hit the road
As mentioning Bill's birthday might get me in strife
Judging by his reaction in A Change Of Life
He flew into a rage at his Goody chums
While wrecking the office, he called them "crumbs"
His piece-de-resistance after seeing red
Was to upend his birthday cake all over his head
But I'm willing to dodge some flying cake
For there's a proclamation that I'd like to make
C'mon everybody, it's gibbon time
Bill, we're taking you back with a birthday rhyme
Back to the days of lemon sherbet trips
Che Kitallabout in Politics
Land Of Hope on an electric guitar
Randy Pandy the superstar
A cheeky swim in Love The Police
Going berserk and exploding the BBC
Gunned down in the bunfight with tomato sauce
Uttering "Knickers!" to Desiree Carthorse
Almost marrying Barbara in Women's Lib
World Domination badge, dib dib dib
A human mouse for Kitten Kong bait
Playing trombones to UFO's in the park until late
A silent movie producer; a cruel horse trainer
Potholing inside a t-rex was even insaner
Willy Snot's epic torture at the Trendsetters Ball
A crazed footy hooligan crashing right through the wall
Cuddly Scamp Hairylegs, the Mastermind champ
Being stuck in a lighthouse and the famous "round" rant
In love with Mildred; running from apart-height
The exclusive Disco Bilius on a Saturday night
And of course, t' Grand Master of Eckythump
Getting flattened by fatties in Chubby Chumps
BO the ad man; a Kinda Kinky apple farmer
Your true self in Earthanasia - what an absolute charmer
"Turps for burps"; reviving cricket tradition
Black Muslim Rastous when finding religion
A Little Laddie singing of sh-sh-shiny shoes
Such a wealth of great roles from which to choose
While your fellow Goodies were conservatively clad
Your taste of fashion was amazingly rad
Like those purple flares with the big white stripes
And the cool Goodies t-shirts which our club now revives
Though when dragging up was the state of play
You weren't in Tim's class, I'm sorry to say
The virgin and Vanessa were a bit of a fright
While Nanny Helga causes men to wake screaming at night
But for all your fun roles and joint writing of scripts
Bill, your best contribution is that brilliant music
Catchy country-pop rhythms at bopalong pace
With amusing lyrics to put a smile on one's face
Like Come Back, Run and Working The Line
Black Pudding Bertha, Funky Gibbon and others so fine
Rock With A Policeman, Motorway Madness, I'm Small
And that's hardly touched our list of favourites at all
So Bill, though you're not on our C&G list
Perhaps the pirate post office can deliver you this
But for now, on behalf of our members, I'll say
All the very best for a happy birthday!