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FROM BARD TO VERSE

by Brett Allender 

.

A collection of birthday poems to each of the Goodies from past Clarion & Globe newsletters.

(1)  TIM  (C&G # 32  July 1998)

It's an honour that no Goody has ever seen

Though it's not a knighthood from the Queen

Nor is it that long awaited OBE

But a tribute in the Goodies Clarion & Globe.

Along with a thousand other loyal fans

I'll crank up the gramophone and proudly stand

A verse of "Land Of Hope" we'll sing

And dedicate this birthday ode to Tim.

The Goodies may have ended in '82

But Tim, here's a birthday treat for you

As so many fond memories still remain

I'd like to relive some of them again.

Like your Union Jack vest and flaxen haired mop

Defending England from "krauts, frogs and wops"

With stirring speeches to "Hope And Glory"

But when danger loomed, that's another story.

Panic attacks and freezing on the spot

Tipping the arms, yelling "I'm a teapot!"

That frequent blubbering high pitched whine

These are antics that soon spring to mind.

You had so many weird and wonderful roles

The masked shot-putter, falling down potholes

Tim Revolta, disco heaving and shiny shoes

Big Foot, the mumps and New Improved Snooze.

Flaunting your belly button at Christmas time

The Fairy Puff Man and Heenz Meenz Beenz rhymes

Drunk then Jewish when trapped in concrete

Punkarella, baby Churchill and wrestling sheep.

Brown Owl, woggle jokes and all those cold showers

A bunny gunned down after sniffing a flower

The Goodyfather, Texas Tim and County Cutie

That teary run in Black And White Beauty.

And what of the memorable musical fare

Like the Midnight Cowperson and his prickly pair

On "Top Of The Pops" and the Almost Live fling

Holding that embarrassed girl tight in Wild Thing!

But it's those cross-dress roles that were a real feature

Supernun, Barbara Woodhouse, Lady Macbeth and Timita

You probably hoped that I'd forgotten

About Mrs Cricklewood - wow she was a hot 'un!

Cecily's nanny with the Lady Constance voice

A women's lib protester was an unusual choice

The pepperpots in various mock advert scenes

You were Charlie's bride and even the Queen.

Our next video night could be fancy dress

But I can't go like your ladies, I sadly confess

'Coz I simply just ain't got the legs

And still the question of what to wear begs

I could quote Graeme's poem from "A Change Of Life"

But being "Hello Cheeky" will get me in strife

My Dad's your age too and I'm quite sure he would

Ecky thump me, bah goom, with a big black pud!

So on behalf of your legion of fans on the Net

Your role in The Goodies we'll never forget

From all of us in Britain, the States and Australia

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR!!!

(2)  GRAEME  (C&G # 38  February 1999)

It's time for another Goody birthday tribute

To the man in a slip-on brown corduroy suit

With thick-rimmed glasses that make him look wise

And those "fuzzy chops" sideburns of incredible size

Who is he, you ask - well that's not a hard 'un

It could only be the great Graeme Garden

An absolute legend of the comedy scene

And the looniest scientist on the tv screen

Although The Goodies finished years ago

We fans still idolise such a brilliant show

So Graeme, although we're not too sane

Please accompany us down Memory Lane

You continually came up with madcap inventions

Usually created with the best of intentions

Like your TARDIS-style office with room to move

A cure for Tony Blackburn, New Improved Snooze

But every so often you ran off the rails

Creating a pirate post office to deliver the mail

In black-clad garb, such vitriol you hurled

"Today the post office, tomorrow the world!"

Greedy Graeme at the OK Tea Rooms bunfight

Sending rabbits to the moon on a cruel space flight

Encasing the office in a block of concrete

And a plague of Rolf Harrises was hardly a treat

Your inventive lunacy had a crowning feature

The creation of some unforgettable creatures

Kitten Kong demolishing the Post Office tower

Big Bunny on the moon showing off "wabbit power"

Frankenfido on the trandem pedalling away

Your robot, his tin trollop and some way-hey-hey

The Almighty Cod slowly being driven nuts

By an endless Max Bygraves tune inside its guts

You had so many other interesting parts

A punk waiter and doctor, the strange Arthur C. Clarke

The Lone Scout and his "500 quid a job week" sting

Celtic Kilty, Kerry Thwacker, an ad man flogging string

Those fabulous babbling Eddie Waring impressions

A wild west gunfighter in an epic movie session

Spreading the clown virus all over the place

Converting the office to a car to compete in the race

A runaway stuffed gibbon after a magic spell

Those spectacular falls which we all know so well

A voice box in your computer almost got you a wife

But sucking up to Mildred Makepiece just got you in strife!

You only dragged up on the rare occasion

Olivia Newton Grayboots was quite a sensation

Amazing Gracie, Princess Anne, they sort of looked prim

Though not nearly as sexy as a cross-dressed Tim!

Your loony scientist role ceased many years back

But it certainly left a lasting impact

I'm sure that those great childhood memories

Spurred me on to complete my science degree

I've now worked in a lab for over ten years

And in a little back room where no-one else peers

Sits the great Frankenfido, nearly back in one piece

I just need darker sunglasses so I can install Donny's teeth!

So until we share the novelty breeds prize at Crufts

All the best with your other top comedy stuff

You and Tim on "Clue" are as funny as ever

And "If I Ruled The World" is wickedly clever

If you really did rule over the human race

There's no doubt the world would be a much funnier place

From the Goodies Rule OK and all of our members

Graeme, may your birthday be one to remember

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOCTOR GRAYBUNGLES!

(3)  BILL  (C&G # 43  July 1999)

Here's a third and final Goody birthday ode

After which I'll promptly hit the road

As mentioning Bill's birthday might get me in strife

Judging by his reaction in A Change Of Life

He flew into a rage at his Goody chums

While wrecking the office, he called them "crumbs"

His piece-de-resistance after seeing red

Was to upend his birthday cake all over his head

But I'm willing to dodge some flying cake

For there's a proclamation that I'd like to make

C'mon everybody, it's gibbon time

Bill, we're taking you back with a birthday rhyme

Back to the days of lemon sherbet trips

Che Kitallabout in Politics

Land Of Hope on an electric guitar

Randy Pandy the superstar

A cheeky swim in Love The Police

Going berserk and exploding the BBC

Gunned down in the bunfight with tomato sauce

Uttering "Knickers!" to Desiree Carthorse

Almost marrying Barbara in Women's Lib

World Domination badge, dib dib dib

A human mouse for Kitten Kong bait

Playing trombones to UFO's in the park until late

A silent movie producer; a cruel horse trainer

Potholing inside a t-rex was even insaner

Willy Snot's epic torture at the Trendsetters Ball

A crazed footy hooligan crashing right through the wall

Cuddly Scamp Hairylegs, the Mastermind champ

Being stuck in a lighthouse and the famous "round" rant

In love with Mildred; running from apart-height

The exclusive Disco Bilius on a Saturday night

And of course, t' Grand Master of Eckythump

Getting flattened by fatties in Chubby Chumps

BO the ad man; a Kinda Kinky apple farmer

Your true self in Earthanasia - what an absolute charmer

"Turps for burps"; reviving cricket tradition

Black Muslim Rastous when finding religion

A Little Laddie singing of sh-sh-shiny shoes

Such a wealth of great roles from which to choose

While your fellow Goodies were conservatively clad

Your taste of fashion was amazingly rad

Like those purple flares with the big white stripes

And the cool Goodies t-shirts which our club now revives

Though when dragging up was the state of play

You weren't in Tim's class, I'm sorry to say

The virgin and Vanessa were a bit of a fright

While Nanny Helga causes men to wake screaming at night

But for all your fun roles and joint writing of scripts

Bill, your best contribution is that brilliant music

Catchy country-pop rhythms at bopalong pace

With amusing lyrics to put a smile on one's face

Like Come Back, Run and Working The Line

Black Pudding Bertha, Funky Gibbon and others so fine

Rock With A Policeman, Motorway Madness, I'm Small

And that's hardly touched our list of favourites at all

So Bill, though you're not on our C&G list

Perhaps the pirate post office can deliver you this

But for now, on behalf of our members, I'll say

All the very best for a happy birthday!