5/6     (#41)     SCATTY SAFARI

PLOT

The Goodies conduct tours of their Star Safari Park, in which tourists can merrily click their cameras at wondrous creatures like Steptoe and Son, Liberace, Dick Emery and Monty Python's Gumbies.  However Bill finds it all a bit too much hard work, especially after he feeds Oliver Reed by heaving a bucket of slops into his stable,  and throws a bucket of water at Little Jimmy Osmond to shut him up.  Graeme in turn marches in and loudly complains "I'm knackered!" after he has performed the unenviable task of mucking out Basil Brush!

Bill is even more mortified when Tim takes a fancy supper to the park's number one attraction - Tony Blackburn, but all is not well as Tony is fading fast.  Bill offers to eat Tony's supper for him while Graeme humanely fetches a rifle, but is stopped by Tim, who can't pluck up enough courage to shoot Tony himself.  He then scares the hell out of the other two (who have their ears covered awaiting the bang!) so they decide to release Tony, as he pines to be free.

Sadly his freedom doesn't last for long, as immediately after he runs across a meadow to the theme of 'Black Beauty', he is cruelly gunned down by a hunter, whose next intended scalp is Jimmy Young.   Tim sheds bucketfuls of tears after Tony's demise, as the safari park isn't making any money without a big star.  Various  ideas for a new star are rapidly dismissed, including an aborted plan to trap Max Bygraves (as they would drop off to sleep at his concert before capturing him!) and Bill's fixation with the tatty go-go dancer Doris Newbold.  Finally Graeme comes up with the perfect star attraction: Australian with glasses and a black beard - an all-round entertainer!

Bill and Tim have no idea who Graeme is talking about, but after a guessing game ("Ahh. Rolf Plaster Of Harris!") and a hilariously appalling attempt at an Aussie accent by Tim, they are off to the Australian outback to capture Rolf Harris as their new prize exhibit.  Upon their return to England, they recreate the atmosphere of a hot Australian summer for Rolf, with more coal on the fire, a tube of lager and Richie Benaud's autobiography.  Graeme has also ordered the only other Rolf Harris in captivity from the Moscow Zoo, and after a year's wait, the first baby Rolf Harris is bred in captivity.  This brings millions of visitors to the star safari park, although hardly any of them ever see Little Rolf, as Bill has nailed his feet to the floor of the kennel and is shamelessly selling all sorts of Little Rolf souvenirs before the popularity bubble bursts.

Graeme enters the room in a mad panic and after they finally decipher his charades, the others discover that the Rolf Harrises and baby have escaped from the park after being let out by other exhibits, chiefly Des O'Connor, who were getting jealous of the lack of attention.  Not only do the Rolfs move like greased lightning, they also breed at a similar rate, having once covered Australia before the white man exterminated them - as their beards made excellent lavatory brushes!  Within another short year, the Goodies are going mad from the constant drone of wobbleboards being played by the three hundred Rolf Harrises in their window box.  The six million Rolfs that infest Britain are more of a nuisance than grey squirrels, as they even take over the BBC programming department.

This dire state of affairs brings an urgent proclamation from a certain anonymous Queen, who declares that whomsoever can rid her land of this plague of Rolf Harrises will win the hand of her eldest son in marriage or one thousand OBE's.  Such a reward is enough to inspire the Goodies to dress as pied pipers, and a chorus of didgeridoos playing 'Waltzing Matilda' is sufficient to bring the Rolfs tumbling by the dozens from babies prams, doorways, etc.  And when they reach the other side - the ATV studio-  a wondrous portal opens wide and the millions of Rolfs are never heard of again.  All except one who is lame - Jake The Peg with his extra leg!  The anonymous Queen keeps her promise, and the blushing bride Tim weds charming Prince Charles, with tearful attendants Graeme and Bill weighed down with OBE's in the background.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim: "Go and give Raquel Welsh a rubdown, will you?"

Bill (grumbling): "Work, work, work, work, work!"

* Tim (feeding Tony Blackburn): "There's a good boy.  Nice din-dins for Tonykins!"

Bill (scornfully): "Honestly!  The way he talks to him, you'd think he was human!"

* Tim (annoyed at declining visitor numbers after Tony is shot): "Stuff Tony Blackburn!"

Bill (excitedly): "That's an idea!"

Tim: "No, the visitors would notice."

Bill: "No they wouldn't.  Hardly any difference!"

* Bill (excitedly): "She dances topless!"

Tim (dismissively): "Doris Newbold IS topless!  On cabaret night, they give you a pint of beer and a free magnifying glass!"

* Tim (reading about Rolf Harris from the Book of Stars): "Number of legs ... variable!"

* Bill: "Nah, not Australia.  I mean, that's full of abos and dingoes and upside-down jokes."

Tim: "Shhh Bill, we must prepare for the trip.  Look out half a dozen jumbucks, pack two, no three coolibahs in the tuckerbag.  Graeme you'd better go and whack the diddle-o while I ... press a clean pair of billabongs.  Now ... Awstrailya ... heeere we come!" (followed by Bill almost cracking up with laughter!)

* Tim (about ridding the land of Rolf Harrises): "Say no more, Your Majesty.  We shall do it!"

The Queen (on television): "Who are you?!"

Tim (proudly): "We're the Goodies!"

The Queen (scornfully): "Ohh!  Gordon Bennett!!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* The tour of the Goodies Star Safari Park, with a bunch of tourists madly clicking cameras at the various exhibits, including Liberace being hunted down by David Frost and Michael Parkinson, Jimmy Saville swinging from the trees like Tarzan, Engelbert being felled with an axe, Danny La Rue as the bird of paradise, Graeme almost being thrown from the vehicle as it has to rapidly brake to avoid hitting a herd of wandering Gumbies, and the black and white minstrels crawling all over the bonnet as Mary Poppins sinks slowly in the west.

* The crate containing Tony Blackburn being carefully unloaded from the roof of the vehicle (heaved onto the ground upside down!) and Tony running across the meadow to his freedom (to the tune of 'Black Beauty') and waving goodbye, before being brutally cut down with a shotgun blast from a hunter seeking Jimmy Young as his next target.

* Their visit to Australia, including convicts hobbling down the road in leg irons, the Goodies emerging from the 'Poms Outfitters' with tennis racquets and hats with dangling corks - and wine bottles as well in Bill's case, "fair dinkum" Aussie ladies (all named Germaine) in massive platform shoes who deck the Goodies with their handbags, and 'wallabies wrestling in mud' at the Sydney Opera House; all backed with their brilliantly jaunty 'Waltzing Matilda' music.

* The pursuit of Rolf Harris in the remarkably lush 'Aussie outback', with the ute crashing into a tree and sending a shower of cranky koala bears onto Graeme, who later jumps out of the ute to apply a medical swab to Rolf's arm, leaps back into the ute again, then shoots him in the rear with a tranquilliser dart.

* Graeme's game of charades when too panic-stricken to tell the others that the Rolf Harrises have escaped - "Tie ... me ... kangaroo ... down ... tennis!"

* The entire 'Pied Piper' sequence, with the plague of Rolfs creating havoc everywhere, including spitting soup at a cook, laying an egg in a man's Sunday hat then breaking the egg on his head, fighting dogs and cats and painting the ladies' dresses black before being lured to 'the other side' (ATV studios) by the irresistible didgeridoo playing of the three lairily dressed pipers.

* The Goodies receiving their rewards from the anonymous Queen, with Tim in bridal gear lovingly cuddling up to Prince Charles, who was apparently keen to actually play this role himself until stuffier heads prevailed at Buckingham Palace, and Bill and Graeme decorated from top to toe in OBE medallions weeping tears of joy.

GUEST STARS

Tony Blackburn, Sheila Steafel, David Willmott

GOODIES SONGS

Waltzing Matilda (instrumental)

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

Great episode which gives the full Goodies treatment to Rolf Harris in particular, but also Australia in general, as only they could,  with the backing of a catchy instrumental version of Waltzing Matilda.  Top class comedy right through from the ridiculous concept of a safari park full of tv personalities to the clever 'Pied Piper of Hamlyn' sequence and Tim's royal marriage.

RATING

IIIII           Superstar