5/9     (#44)     ROME ANTICS

PLOT

The year is 55 AD and the glory of the Roman Empire has reached its peak and is starting to decline, which forces an ambassador from the empire to set off on foot (a boot attached to a pogo stick!)  The influence of the empire has been felt all over the civilised world (and England!) even in the rounded stone and thatch huts of primitive Cricklewood, where the Goodies of the Dark Ages still offer to do "anything anytime".  However they find that they are only able to eat spaghetti because the Romans have forced up the prices of traditional tucker and that the air isn't fit to inhale, thanks to the Romans and their garlic breath!

The Goodies grumble about their traditional way of life being spoiled by the conquering Romans, which prompts an early patriotic speech from Tim that quickly turns into grovelling when the Roman ambassador arrives at their hut.  After some language problems ("Legato sum!" "... "About a quarter to three?") and a ludicrous attempt at translation by Graeme, the Goodies realise that the Roman Emperor has a job for them.  They jog off to Rome, crossing the English Channel underwater, only to find that the kinky Emperor, who lays on a bed of fruit and is tended to by beautiful maidens, wants to be left alone with "the little one" – Bill - who he finds "goody goody yum yum"!

The Emperor soon reveals that he is really freaked out over fruit (with his vivid description of pears and their "soft sensuous bulbous botties" causing Bill to break into a grin in the background!), but is not loved by his countrymen due to not providing sufficient entertainment for them - only market gardens!  He has therefore sent for the Goodies to rectify this, otherwise he'll feed them to the lions, especially after Bill refuses a request to lick the pile of jelly and fruit salad off the Emperor's chest and leaves the pretty maidens to do it - "same old tongues...bor-ing!"

The Goodies put on a stupendous evening of entertainment at the Coliseum, including playing the xylophone on a traditional Roman battledress and Tim having to endure another encounter with the loony leaping sheep from 'The Lost Tribe' which is even more vicious this time after Graeme has jabbed it in the bum with a pitchfork!  However the po-faced Romans are not amused and pelt the Goodies and the Emperor with fruit and vegetables in disgust.  The Emperor is annoyed that the Goodies didn't book the Christians ("a good family show!") instead and threatens to throw them to the sheep.  He then reveals that he is exhausted from the endless round of orgies and burning Christians at both ends, and so wishes to abdicate.

Tim willingly takes over as Emperor, but finds that the populace are still restless for entertainment.  Graeme soon solves that problem and creates lots of seaside resorts, complete with naughty postcards, bingo and candy floss, and the Parthenon News bulletin shows the locals revealing lots of flesh in the bargain.  However Graeme makes a slight error by sending out holiday brochures to charming neighbours like the Barbarians, Goths and Visigoths, and in no time, Attila The Hun and his army of Vandals have made a block booking for some rape and pillage.

The Vandals arrive from the wastelands of the north and destroy all before them, until they enter the Coliseum and become very bored watching the Roman dancers with coloured hoops.  After the Goodies accidentally create a number of athletics events by dodging Vandals and their spears, they rile Attila The Hun by splattering a melon on his head and he returns fire with a flaming catapult missile, which lands in a drum and creates the Olympic flame.  The Goodies then scatter the dancers and throw their coloured hoops into the air and onto a wall to form the Olympic rings.  Tim orders a huge ice cream from a vendor, but another burning catapult missile lands in the cone, which becomes the Olympic torch.  The Goodies run out of the Coliseum carrying the torch, which sets fire to banners on the way out, and the city of Rome is ablaze in no time.  Emperor Tim opens a cabinet marked 'in case of fire' and finds Nero's fiddle, so they head off towards Pompeii, only to be swallowed up by the earth after a tremor from the volcano.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Bill (laughs): "God blimey, how about Stonehenge?!  What a waste of money that was.  Two thousand years it's stood there ... still doesn't fly!"

* Bill (warily): "You're kinky, you!"

Emperor (joyfully): "Yes ... but not by Roman standards!"

* Emperor (after one of his countrymen has thrown a carrot at him): "Who threw that?!  Was that you?  Cheeky!" (and later after catching a zucchini) "Was that you again?  Was it?!  (chuckles)  Like it!"

* Roman Emperor:  "Why didn't you book the Christians?  It's a good family show!"

Tim: " They're not doing it anymore.  They said they got fed up with being thrown to the lions, so now thanks to you they've all got much better jobs as fruitgrowers.  And what's more, there are no gladiators left because they've all been eaten by the lions who were hungry because there were no Christians, and before you ask there are no lions left because they've been eaten by the Christians who have got sick of the sight of fruit!"

Tim (as Emperor, singing): "Just Roman ... in the Gloamin' ... !"

CLASSIC SCENES

* The Goodies climbing onto a wooden trandem which immediately falls apart, necessitating them to jog all the way to Rome (including the famous jog off a cliff and bouncing landing which features in the theme footage in many episodes), and discovering that all roads really do lead to Rome when they each jog off along separate routes, but all collide heavily in the middle of a road junction shortly afterwards.

* The completely kinky fruit-fancying Roman Emperor, who starts coming on to Bill before revealing that his true love is the soft sensuous bulbous botties and squishy juice of over-ripe pears and other fruit, with Bill's description of the smooth tight skin of a pert orange sending the Emperor writhing orgasmically on top of his pile of fruit!

* The entertainment of the bored Roman masses, where a terrified Tim gets down on his knees and prays as the others release his fearsome foe - a Suffolk sheep who is more interested in eating the fruit which has been pelted onto the arena from the last act.  A quiet word in the sheep's ear from Bill still doesn't help, so Graeme gets the sheep into full attack mode by shoving a pitchfork up its clacker!  The bad tempered baa lamb flies through the air and stomps all over Tim, eventually winning the hilarious wrestling bout to the boos and fruit throwing of the crowd.  Those Romans sure are hard to please!

* Tim's loopy logic in telling the Emperor that there are no Christians left to feed to the lions because they have all become fruitgrowers, all of the gladiators have been eaten by the lions who were hungry due to lack of Christians to eat, and finally, that there are also no lions left because they have been eaten by the Christians who are sick of eating fruit!  The Emperor asks the Centurions to throw the Goodies to the sheep, prompting an impassioned plea for mercy from Tim, but later when Tim is the Emperor, he threatens to throw Bill to the hamsters because he has run out of sheep by then!

* The new emperor Tim bathing in asses milk, being waited on by a hand maiden, a foot maiden and another one that "comes in pretty useful too!", receiving a visit from Bill, who hangs his coat on the Venus De Milo, knocking one arm off the statue.  Shortly after, Graeme enters and hangs his coat on the other arm of Venus, but this time her head falls off!

* The various accidentally-discovered events of the first Olympic Games, including the use of a plate as a discus, a melon as a shot put (which splatters on Attila The Hun's head, as shown by the BC-TV action replay!) and spears used for javelin, hurdles, high jump and polo events.  Also the creation of the Olympic rings, flame and torch as described in the 'plot' section.

GUEST STARS

Roy Kinnear, Oliver Gilbert

GOODIES SONGS

Big Brave Bold Hunk Of Man

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A very good episode, with some nice understated sight gags like the Venus de Milo and the invention of the various Olympic symbols, plus an amusingly over-the-top performance from the Roman Emperor with his rather kinky fruit fetish.

RATING  

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IIII                Officially amazing

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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GOODIES GALLERY

Early Goodies and their wooden trandem

The Goodies meet the fond-of-fruit Roman Emperor

"You're kinky, you!"

"Yes, but not by Roman standards!"

The pitchforked sheep taking its anger out on Tim

Tim lapping up the attention as Roman Emperor

Attila The Hun cops a melon during the Olympics