5/4     (#39)     WACKY WALES

PLOT

Tim indulges in some very off-key singing and packs his bags in preparation for a visit to Wales, as the Goodies have been invited to perform at an eisteddfod on the isle of Llan dlubber.  They have been asked by the local preacher Reverend Llewellyn, and Graeme reads out his letter, which contains references to Max Bygraves, Rolf Harris, "get stuffed" and "indecent exposure", amongst all sorts of Welsh gibberish.  They have no idea what it all means, but head off for a fun holiday after a quick practice of their 3 part folk song , which is quickly canned as "what a load of rubbish!"

They ride into Wales (which initially appears to be closed!) to find road signs that advise them of no dancing, singing, drinking or girls … and no chance!  The trandem overheats its radiator as it climbs the many hills, and Bill gets a bucket of water poured on his head when he calls at an inn for help.  An epic train ride and a paddle in a rowboat gets them out to Llan dlubber, where they are dragged into the water by the coast watcher, and they are still soaking wet when they enter the Reverend's church.

Bill is ready to launch into the multitude of bottles in the dusty-looking bar, but is disgusted to find that they are all empty.  The Reverend enters and they soon find out that his people are a dying race, as they shun wicked and sinful things like booze, sex, tea, food and even lavatories, much to Bill's bewilderment.  Even the eisteddfod will provide little enjoyment, coming from the old Welsh words "eistedd" (bored) and "fod" (stiff)!), as the Reverend prepares to open the Llan dlubber International Festival Of Gloom.

The audience of traditionally-dressed Welsh folk either munch away on their leeks or fall asleep through a procession of boring local singers.  The Goodies decide to show them all of the fun that they are missing, with a rousing routine of fan dancers, magicians, rock singers and plenty of bare flesh.  However this lands them in deep trouble with the Reverend and the council of druids, as the "prisoners of the bar" are charged with "trying to entertain us!!", to a shocked chorus of "No!!" from the druids.  The Goodies are taken to the druid's stone while being whipped along the way, seemingly much to Tim's enjoyment!

The Goodies are condemned to having their heads chopped off for their sins, while the Reverend plans a slap-up repentance afterwards.  He first reveals that the druids really worship rugby, and that the enjoyment of sins such as booze and women are not allowed because the druids can't play rugby with debauched bodies.  A final hymn is sung before the sacrifice about playing touch with the goalman's daughter.  However the Reverend stops in horror when he realises that the Goodies know the words, and he can no longer execute them, as they have proved that they are fellow Welshmen.  His invitation for them to become druids too is politely refused because the Goodies are strictly Church Of England, so an ecclesiastical seven-a-sides rugby tournament is arranged to determine which religion is the best.

After various knockout matches, the Welsh Druids thrash the Catholics 159-0 in the final.  These humble, devout, deeply religious people partake in a reverent mystical ceremony afterwards - a wild beer-throwing celebration as the Reverend, complete with jockstrap on his head, leads the charge.  However Tim discovers that the Druids have cheated by including half of the Welsh international team in their line-up, and tests out their biblical knowledge before he disqualifies them.  This doesn't exactly please the Welsh boyos and they take to the field again using Tim and then Bill as the ball, as they toss and kick them around everywhere.

Bill grabs the ball and runs out of the stadium with the scrum following him and finally shakes them off with the help of a brick wall.  Graeme's remarkable line-marking machine disposes of the Welsh players down a trap door, and leaves the Goodies to score a very easy winning try with no opposition.  The next Sunday, Bill is dressed as an Archbishop ready to play in the big Sunday League game, but Graeme and Tim are content to go to the traditional service at St.Pauls - yelling "He's the almighty!" in true rugby style!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Reverend: (I am) "a vicar of the Church Of Seventh Day Repressionists."

* Reverend Llewellyn (after Bill has told him that there is no booze left at the Reverend's decrepit bar):

"Booze?!  So it's booze you're wanting, is it?!" … "Well you'll get none of the devil's brew here."

Tim: "Excuse me, any chance of a nice hot cup of tea?"

Reverend Llewellyn (getting annoyed) : "Ah so it's tea now, is it?  Tea is a foul potion of the orient, a stimulator of the flesh, an inflamer of the senses …

Bill (disgusted):  "God blimey, I bet nobody ever comes in this place, do they?"

Reverend Llewellyn: "Certainly not.  Oh we're righteous people, right enough.  You'll catch none of us committing one of the 9764 deadly sins!  Regrettably though we are a dying race.  There is not many of us left."

Graeme: (chuckles) "Pretty low birthrate, I should think."

Reverend Llewellyn (horrified):  Birthrate?!  You mean babies?!  We have none of that sinful wickedness here!"

Tim (innocently): "Do you have sandwiches?"

Reverend Llewellyn (agitated): "Sandwiches?!  You mean food?!  We allow no voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites.  Where does eating get you, eh?  You'll be wanting lavatories next!"

Bill (indignantly): "Oi, don't tell me you haven't got any lavatories!"

Reverend Llewellyn (still agitated): "Temples of Beelzebub!  The open door to hellfire and brimstone!  The hot seat!"

Bill (bluntly): "No wonder you're a dying race.  I suspect you're all dying for a ...!"

Tim (hastily): "Shh Bill!!

* Reverend: "Contestants will be judged by a jury of druids and the winner will be pronounced bard"

Bill: "Bard! ... I should think he'd be ruddy awful!"

* Reverend: "... or my lodger upstairs, Evan's Above..."

* Tim: "I come from Abergavenny.  And him ..."

Bill: "Aberbanana!  And him ..."

Graeme: "Aber dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba said the monkey to the chimp ...!"

* (the Welsh Rugby team are singing a song about "four and twenty virgins")

Bill (horrified): "Please, please, please ... (covers Tim's ears) ... that song ... honestly ... it's not holy!"

Reverend (indignantly): "Not holy!  It's about flippin' virgins, isn't it?  You can't get much holier than that!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* The Goodies stopping to photograph two Welsh ladies sitting at a spinning wheel wearing traditional costumes including very tall black hats.  Smoke starts to billow from the hats and the ladies walk away to reveal two chimney stacks directly behind where they were sitting.

* The Goodies boarding a train at the station with the longest name in Wales ('Llanfair ...etc) visible on a sign in the background.  The train travels to the end of the sign (.. .gogogoch'.), then stops, with the passengers all disembarking after their long journey.

* Their initial meeting with Reverend Llewellyn in which he condemns everything that sounds remotely enjoyable, including beer ("the devil's brew"), tea ("foul potion of the orient, stimulator of the flesh and inflamer of the senses"), having babies ("sinful wickedness"), food ("voluptuous indulgence of the carnal appetites") and lavatories ("temples of Beelzebub")

* Livening up the eisteddfod somewhat, including Tim losing his trousers, a rocking version of 'We'll Keep A Welcome', Bill bursting the balloons on a scantily clad lady before popping her with his cigar, a fan dancer who turns into Tim clad in yellow undies, Bill as a flasher in a trenchcoat and the curtain dropping down on the Goodies and their lovely assistant who is soon screaming in terror as there is much clamouring about underneath the fallen material.  All of this fails to impress the locals, who continue chewing stoically on their leeks throughout the performance.

* Some of the scenes from the ecclesiastical rugby tournament, including the Church Of England archbishops streaming down the field in their colourful flowing robes and Mary Whitehouse playing as a hooker and waddling the length of the field for a try, with no-one game enough to tackle her.  Lord Longford then runs in to congratulate her and gets his face slapped for his trouble, while Mary's rough tackle causes Brother Ignatius to break his vow of silence and mouth what looks very much like "You f...ing old bitch!" in her direction!

* Bill pushing a fisherman off a rather tall bridge in his haste to get away from the pursuing Welsh rugby players.

GUEST STARS

Jon Pertwee, Marcelle Samett, Alun Williams, The Fred Tomlinson Singers

GOODIES SONGS

We'll Keep A Welcome

Play The Game

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A very funny sendup of their not-so-fun-loving Welsh neighbours, with plenty of interesting visual material and great quotes, especially from Jon Pertwee in his brilliant guest role as Reverend Llewellyn.  The various rugby scenes might go on a bit long, but are still amusing enough to retain viewer interest.

RATING

IIII     Officially amazing

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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GOODIES GALLERY

Welsh ladies in traditional costumes ... sort of!

Jon Pertwee as Reverend Llewellyn

Bill at the bar, indignant at the idea of no loos in Wales!

Tim trying to entertain the locals at the eistedfodd

Proving their Welshness in a bid to avoid

having their heads chopped off

Mary Whitehouse whacks Lord Longford

... and he's a teammate!

Graeme finds the Welsh rugby celebrations to be

not particularly holy

Off to church ... or is it the rugby?