5/13     (#48)     THE END

PLOT

Bill looks out the window into the picturesque Kew Gardens and admires the sweet song of a bird, before he pots it with a pistol!  Graeme objects to the racket, as he is doing some delicate, though even noisier, work of his own.  He has been commissioned by the evil property developer Harry Highrise to design a redevelopment scheme for the Kew Gardens, and proudly shows Bill his scale model.  The current lush oasis of greenery is to be replaced with several huge blocks of offices, and Graeme reveals that the biggest skyscraper is just a solid block of concrete, as nobody can afford to pay the exorbitant rent.  Also the lack of rooms, doors and windows is an added feature to stop the squatters from moving in – in Graeme's words, "I've thought of everything!"

Tim enters the room feeling extremely cross about the proposed redevelopment scheme and decides to send a letter of complaint to the Queen, while Graeme incriminates himself by writing down Tim's dictation.  Tim doesn't realise that Graeme is responsible for the architectural lunacy until after he has suggested that the culprits be beheaded ("twice ... very slowly!") and requested three OBE's in the bargain.  However he goes berserk at Graeme when he realises: "GRAEME GARDEN!" ... "What on earth did you do this for?!", with Graeme's response of: "Fifty thousand quid!" annoying him even more.  Tim marches out the door to have a word with Harry Highrise, only to crash head first into a wall of concrete that covers the doorway.  A peek out the window reveals that Harry's crew are very fast workers, and in no time their office is entombed in a 350 foot high block of concrete.

Sixteen days later, there is a news bulletin on tv with a special message of congratulations from the Queen ("Dear Tim, Bill ... and the other one!") in which she praises them for being prepared to sacrifice their lives for their principles.  The Ministry of Works are on strike, but ring straight back (after another six months have elapsed!) with a promise to get them out when they have finished the new Brighton to Birkenhead freeway.  It will take just 10.3 seconds to drill a hole through the concrete to rescue them, but the other work will take 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours and 5 minutes to complete.  Not surprisingly, the news that they are stuck in there until then sets off a huge panic attack, with the historic first performance of Tim's "I'm a teapot!" routine as part of the bargain.

After lots of chalk marks on the wall, release day finally arrives.  The partially-dressed Tim and Bill sit on the floor, in a rather sozzled state and sing away merrily, with the occasional colossal burp from Bill, especially after Tim has given him a swig of "turps for burps" as further encouragement!  Graeme is far from impressed with either of them, or with the prospect of being released, as the Queen will be there to put OBE's around the other's necks, but will chop his head off instead!  Tim is going to miss the others, as he's "gonna make damn sure I see neither of you ever again!"  However the moment of release passes, and the Goodies find out that due to the increasing poverty of the nation, work on the Brighton to Birkenhead freeway has been suspended indefinitely.

Their phone line is also cut off and blown up due to them not being able to pay their bill, or being able to put their problem in writing because they couldn't get out to post it!  When the BBC then announces that they are cutting back service by 100%, the Goodies find themselves completely cut off from the outside world.  A bit later, Graeme decides that they should live in an ordered society, with him representing the scientific class, Tim being a lord of the ruling class - but having to clean his own shoes! - and Bill as the worker, who agitates for an even distribution of labour without much success.  Tim is horrified at the notion that he won't be able to exercise his right of fatherhood and goes off at Bill about his silly name - "Bill-Oddie stew-pid!" - after Bill has insulted him.

Graeme retreats to the lavatory and emerges two weeks later after a unique experience to reveal that he has become a monk.  In the mean time, Tim has turned Jewish while Bill has commandeered the boot polish and rejected his unholy name to become Rastus Watermelon, a black Muslim.  A year later, there is finally no food left and Tim even toys with the idea of eating his pet mouse Gilbert before Graeme gently talks him out of it, then pops Gilbert into his own mouth for a moment!  In desperation, Tim and Graeme consider cannibalism; especially when Bill draws the longest straw.  There is much debate about how to do him in (with Tim not wanting to chop his head off in case the rest of him runs around the room!) and Tim also not being able to eat him as he isn't kosher!  They shove an apple in Bill's mouth and sprigs of parsley behind his ears, but fortunately for Bill, he comes up with the bright idea of cooking the furniture.  However hallucinations soon strike, as Tim and Bill start to see imaginary friends and Graeme sees all sorts of non-existent objects, before he carelessly steps in Tim's imaginary bathtub!

Seventy years later, an ancient Tim and Graeme are playing 'I spy' with just a lone chair in the room, hence the drawn scoreline!  They reminisce about long-lost pleasures like umbrellas and women, although not exactly in the right order, and that it is Bill's 106th birthday today.  In comes Bill, who still looks as young as ever, but he falls over heavily on the floor.  Two years later, he is still going, although the others are skeletons laying beside him!  He hears a long-awaited knock on the door, but one peek at the remains of his chums causes him to snuff it, as the skeletons pull the sheet up over the three of them!  In comes three futuristic space-suited Goodies who are too late to rescue their predecessors, including a space age Tim with a recording of 'Land Of Hope And Glory' activated by pressing a button on his chest.  The tunnel then collapses behind them and this sets off another round of "I'm a teapot" and assorted panic, as they too are trapped in the concrete block!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Graeme (about his building plans): "That's the whole point, you fool.  Look, do you realise that the rent on that place is going to be 4000 pounds per square foot.  And that's per minute!"

Bill: "Nobody can afford that, can they!"

Graeme: "Well of course they can't, so there's no point wasting money putting doors and windows in, is there!?  Goodness me!  As a matter of fact, there's no rooms in there either and that's so the squatters can't move in ... I've thought of everything!"

* Tim (dictating his letter to the Queen about punishment for Harry Highrise and Graeme): "... no, no, that they should have their botties soundly smacked, no, no, that they should both be beheaded - twice!"

* The Queen (on tv): "Goodbye."

Bill: "Oh well, au revoir."

The Queen (sternly): "No, goodbye!"

* Bill (drunkenly trying to burp): "Won't come!"

Tim: (full as a boot too): "Have another swig of this.  That'll bring it up."

Bill (takes a swig): "Oooh that's horrible!  What is it?"

Tim: "Turps!  Turps for burps!"  (sings with Bill)  "Please release me, let me go!"

(monster burp from Bill)

Tim (delighted): "Thar she blows!  That's my boy!  Nobody light a match!"

* Tim (about Bill being drunk): "Pay no attention to him.  He's pissed."

Graeme: "Has he?!"

Tim: "Yes!"

* Tim (yelling): "YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE COMMIE!!"

Bill (also yelling): "YOU ELITIST FASCIST PIG!!"

Graeme: "This is good.  This is very good.  Political discussion, a healthy thing."

Bill: "This isn't political discussion.  We were just shouting at one another."

Graeme: "Same thing!"

* Tim (pleading, while the Goodies are trapped): "I want a son.  I must have a son.  Graeme, you're a doctor!"

Graeme (looking stunned): "Sorry, it can't be done!"

Tim: "But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood!"

Bill (chuckling): "You can exercise it all you like, but you won't find much use for it here!"

* Tim (after Bill has insulted the Brooke-Taylor name): "Well it's not as silly as Oddie.  Od-die!  Bill Oddie!  B'l-Oddie stupid!!"

* Tim (about Graeme): "And he's become a monk"

Bill: "Oh, has he gone into a monastery?"

Tim: "No, a lavatory!"

* Bill: "Is it anything to do with food, hey?  Am I getting warm?"

Tim (getting ready to cannibalise him): "You soon will be!"

* Tim (seventy years on): "Goodness, I've almost forgotten what an umbrella looks like."

Graeme: "You know, I've almost forgotten what a woman looks like!"

Tim: "Women, yes!  And umbrellas, hey."

Graeme: "Many's the evening you'd dance the night away with an attractive young umbrella"

Tim: "And if it rained on the way home, you just popped up your woman...!"

Graeme: "That'd keep you dry all night!"

Tim: "I used to have a big black woman with a cane handle...!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Tim writing a letter of complaint to the Queen over the redevelopment scheme, but having to look her address up in the phone book under Queens ("Grayson, La Rue, Park Rangers...") then dictating the letter to Graeme to write out, while not realising that Graeme is one of the baddies!)  Especially where Tim complains about the evil plans of Harry Highrise's so-called architect "Mr Graeme Garden. That's G-R-A-E-M-E!", followed by a frustrated curse from Graeme as he spells his own name wrong!

* Graeme plotting the various planned roads and tunnels on a map of the U.K. after phoning the Ministry of Works, only to find that the markings form a game of noughts and crosses, with the Brighton to Birkenhead freeway - the last to be finished before they can be released - forming a victorious line through the diagonal row of noughts!  Also the following panic attack, with Tim doing his famous "I'm a teapot!" performance for the first time on the show.

* The scenes two minutes prior to their supposed release after nearly two years of being trapped, with Tim and Bill both sitting on the floor wearing paper hats (and as drunk as skunks) singing "Born free, as free as the wind blows!", followed by a massive burp from Bill.  However he soon finds that his burps "won't come" until some "turps for burps" from Tim unleashes another corker.  Graeme is disgusted by their piggish behaviour, as he is not a happy fuzzy chops due to the impending arrival of the Queen to chop his head off.  However despite him donning a blindfold and yelling "Get it over with. Chop it off!", Bill wearing a tie over his Goodies t-shirt and Tim with a pot full of soil as a hat, there is stunned silence as neither the Queen nor anyone else has come to rescue them.

* The various scenes where they are determining their social ranks, with Bill calling Graeme a "four eyed git", before Graeme finally divulges that he is a member of the scientific class (as he wears glasses), Tim is a member of the ruling class (because of his poncy blond hair and no chin!) and Bill is one of the workers ("Cobblers!").  This is followed by their shouting match which passes for political discussion, Bill smashing Tim's Land Of Hope And Glory record to bits as part of the "silent revolution", and the hilarious sequence where Tim wants to exercise his right to have children, but Bill is more interested in them being doomed to be batchelors gay! - "That's an idea, isn't it?", prompting a very hasty "Get Off!" from Tim  He suggests that he looks like Liza Minelli underneath his beard, to which Tim replies "I often wondered why you grew it!"

* Their discovery of different religions, with Graeme emerging from two weeks solitary confinement in the loo to reveal that he was not alone in there (Tim: "How very embarrassing!"), and has become a monk, whose later vow of silence is broken immediately.  Meanwhile Tim has become Jewish ("Pass me a knife, would you!") and is whittling a chair into matchsticks to build a model of a synagogue, and asks Graeme if he wants to buy it!)  He is then unable to clean their shoes because it's the Sabbath, while Bill has swiped the boot polish to become Rastus Watermelon, the black Muslim, who seems intent on punching the others lights out!

* Their hallucinations after such a long time in a confined space, with Tim insisting that he can see his friend Bruce sitting at the table, Bill enjoying Charlie's company, and Graeme trying to treat their problems with the help of an imaginary notepad, pencil and couch, while tripping over non-existent obstacles.  Also Graeme and Bill jogging up a flight of imaginary stairs, with Graeme stepping into Tim's supposed bath and then wringing out his supposedly wet trouser cuffs!

* The 'Teddy and Freddy' routine, with an ancient Graeme and Tim playing 'eye spy' in a near empty room, where the clue of "something beginning with c" just has to be a lone chair standing right in front of them, and also their fading memories about the long lost joys of women and umbrellas on rainy nights.

GUEST STARS

Corbet Woodall, Sheila Steafel

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

The definitive proof that The Goodies is far more than just slapstick visual effects and speeded up chase scenes, with a wickedly funny verbal script turning the idea of being trapped in a block of concrete into one of the finest half hours of 'black comedy' ever seen on television.

RATING

IIIII           Superstar

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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GOODIES GALLERY

Graeme's Kew Gardens redevelopment plan makes

Tim very cross, much to Bill's delight

Graeme frustrated at spelling his own name wrong!

"I won!" - the planned roadworks look like a bit of a game

"I'm a teapot! ... I'm a teapot!"

"Please release me, let me go ..."

Turps for burps!

Graeme's not a happy fuzzy chops!

Go on Ma'am, chop it off!

"Am I getting warm?"  "You soon will be!"

"I spy with my little eye ... something beginning with C"