Index
» 5/1 Movies
» 5/2 The Clown Virus
» 5/3 Chubby Chumps
» 5/4 Wacky Wales
» 5/5 Frankenfido
» 5/6 Scatty Safari
» 5/7 Kung Fu Kapers
» 5/8 Lighthouse Keep...
» 5/9 Rome Antics
» 5/10 Cunning Stunts
» 5/11 South Africa
» 5/12 OK Tea Rooms
» 5/13 The End
» Special Goodies Rul...
THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES
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5/1 (#36) THE MOVIES
PLOT
Bill chuckles away merrily at an old silent movie on television, but Tim is totally bored and unimpressed by it. Bill remarks that the movie industry should still make films like that and Graeme unveils his all-new pocket movie camera (a full sized camera that only fits in the huge pocket of Graeme's special trousers!) but all of the British movie studios are being closed down. There is an ad in the paper for the sale of Pine Tree studio on a 99-year lease for just 25 pounds, so the Goodies don their long noses and huge cigars and become film producers in a bid to revitalise the motion picture industry.
All of the directors are assembled together, but after he spends 18 hours reviewing their hopeless films, Tim decides to fire the lot of them (even Ken Russell despite him having Oliver Reed burned to death!) and the Goodies become directors as well as producers. Their first production is Macbeth, but there is precious little of it left after Graeme has removed all of the killing and violence from the script. The actor who plays Macbeth is somewhat hard of hearing and is also fired after Tim has virtually torn his own tonsils out yelling "ACTION!" with no result. Therefore the Goodies become actors too, and inject a bit of family interest into the film - 'Macbeth Meets Truffaut The Wonder Dog'!
The 'stars only' preview screening is graced by a gorgeously tarted-up Tim, who has really taken his role of Lady Macbeth to heart, much to the horror of Graeme who shows off his flashy sequined suit in a very camp manner. Bill staggers in, drunkenly bellowing like "the poor man's Richard Harris". He takes a fancy to Tim's new image, but soon wants to drown his sorrows even further when the film proves to be a litany of disasters. Problems include sets that fall over, Tim's "out out damn spot" which ends up on his nose and Truffaut The Wonder Dog being incredibly lazy until finally it attacks Bill and slobbers all over the camera. A vicious name-calling, glass-smashing row ensues and all three actors stalk out of the studio, which collapses behind them, as each vow to never make another film again.
Despite this, Tim re-enters the studio to make a Roman epic only to find Bill already in there painting everything black and white in preparation for his silent classic. Bill has no lines to learn for his film (although he needs to control his bodily noises!), so he manages to mess Tim up by calling him Sambo instead of Samson. However both of them are soon in strife when Graeme the wild west gunslinger turns up and declares that the studio ain't big enough for the three of them. Tim's request that their efforts be combined to produce his epic falls on deaf ears (although Bill's 'My Silent Classic' placard is heard loud and clear!) so they each attempt to produce their own films, but keep getting in each other's way.
Graeme's high noon shootout is interrupted by Tim's Roman soldiers, with Samson and Delilah being invaded in turn by the Keystone Cops, and the inevitable collision of camera crews sees equipment and films being strewn about everywhere. Graeme's posse and Tim's army fire shots at each other and Bill's Keystone Cops arm themselves with custard pies. After he survives an epic encounter with Moses and the Ten Commandments, Bill releases Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and Laurel & Hardy from the archives, who annoy hell out of Graeme before they disappear again. The three Goodies argue as a barn wall collapses around them, while Buster Keaton comes along and takes notes afterwards, and Graeme decides to summon up reinforcements. The Indians ride in over one hill, the cavalry appear over another and the most fearsome threat of all comes over the third hill - Julie Andrews and kids singing 'The Sound Of Music'!
An Indian's arrow in her chest promptly polishes Julie off, as the Von Trapp kids shrug their shoulders and casually walk away, but an epic chase scene between the Goodies takes place throughout several film screens and rows of seating. Bill sends a truck crashing through the screen at Graeme, while Tim scares away the Frankenstein monster. They belt each other up with giant letters from 'The End' credit and are eventually carried skywards into the sunset, as they hang onto another 'The End' credit which has risen from the bottom of the screen.
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Bill (about great silent comics): "Keaton, Chaplin, Harry Langdon, Lavatory Meadows ..."
Graeme (incredulously): "Lavatory Meadows?!"
Tim: "He means W.C.Fields."
* Bill (discussing films): "Whose is this one then."
Graeme: "Russell."
Tim: "Jane, Ken or Bertrand."
Bill: "Lets hope it's the one with the big knockers, hey!"
Tim: "Yeah, Bertrand!"
* (Tim and Bill are chanting "What a load of rubbish!" after watching Ken Russell's film)
Graeme (pretentiously): "No, no, no. Didn't you feel that it had a certain surreal symbolistic quality, just captivating the very futility of life, death, indeed the very existence of God himself, indeed reflected in the microcosm, didn't you feel?"
Bill (slightly taken aback): "Load of old cobblers!"
Graeme (fiendishly): "Certainly!"
* Bill: "It's just old Ken (Russell). He did do The Boyfriend with Twiggy and the dancing - that was nice."
Tim (dismayed): "He also had Oliver Reed burned to death!"
Bill (keenly): "Yeah, so he can't be all bad, can he?!"
* Tim (as Lady Macbeth): "This is my new screen image. This is how my public sees me."
Graeme (shocked): "If they see you like that, they'll have you arrested!"
* Tim (looking around the studio): "You've painted everything black and white!"
Bill: "Certainly. I'm making a black and white film."
Tim: "Don't be ridiculous!"
Bill: "This is a hard job. God blimey! No wonder they went over to colour!"
(and a little later …)
Bill: "You underestimate us silent comics, you, mate. Buster Keaton … Buster Keaton, he must have spent three weeks painting the whole town black and white, right? Then a ruddy great building falls on him and he doesn't make a sound. No. Not even so much as a 'My God, that was close!'"
CLASSIC SCENES
* The Goodies reviewing Visconti's movie 'Death In Bognor', in which an old codger shuffles slowly along a sunrise-lit beach for an hour or two, causing Bill to get impatient for him to snuff it. Cries of "Why are we waiting!" and "Come on you blighter, die!!" are finally rewarded when the old man kicks his heels in the air in a magnificent death dive (it could only have been Graeme in disguise!) and sprawls flat on the sand. The movie then continues for another 90 minutes, in which absolutely nothing happens!
* The next movie for review - 'The Life Of Pablo Casals' by Ken Russell - where a robed nun slowly does a striptease, causing the old violinist to gradually overheat until flames are leaping from his violin and smoke is pouring from his ears. The nun is then revealed as a white-faced clown to chants of "What a load of rubbish!" from Bill, and Graeme's attempts to praise the movie for its "surrealistic symbolistic qualities" are dismissed by Bill as "A load of old cobblers!"
* The preview screening of their disastrous film 'Macbeth Meets Truffaut The Wonder Dog', with Tim taking his Lady Macbeth role seriously by dressing to kill as a glamourous movie queen, Graeme also strutting about with a glittering suit and camp voice and Bill staggering in as the quintessential drunken Irish playwright, killing one of Tim's poodles by sitting on it then drowning it with whisky. Also their spiteful argument after the film's failure, including insults such as "raddled old has-been", "clapped out old queen", "you bitch!" and "face it darling, you're no Glenda Jackson!", before they all storm out separate exits, slamming the doors so hard that the studio falls apart behind them.
* All of the scenes where they get in the way of each other's films, especially Graeme's high noon shootout in the wild west being interrupted by Tim's Roman soldiers, Bill knocking on the door of the Pony Express office to find a Roman soldier in the bog, the Keystone Cops waddling through Samson and Delilah's bedroom and Bill hanging grimly from a skyscraper window ledge, only to have Tim walking across the side of the building fighting a lion, with Bill then sitting on the ledge in disgust and falling backwards through the window.
* The entire final chase scene with literally dozens of brilliant visual gags; the pick of them being Bill opening the door of the Epics Dept. only to have his head sandwiched by Moses and the ten commandments, Laurel and Hardy bowing to Graeme then decking him, the barn wall falling around the three Goodies who are standing in the window slot, Julie Andrews being mercilessly terminated by an Indian arrow to the chest, the chase through the various theatre screens and seats, the truck bursting through the film screen at Graeme and a huge Bill reaching out of the screen to pick up Tim before dropping him onto the real Bill in another screen.
GUEST STARS
Melita Clarke
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
One of the most brilliant visual episodes of The Goodies backed up with a very funny and cleverly pieced-together script. The entire second half of the episode contains some of finest and funniest stuntwork and trick photography ever produced and thoroughly deserved the Silver Rose that it won.
RATING
IIIII Superstar
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THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
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IIIII Superstar
IIII Officially Amazing
III Goody Goody Yum Yum
II Fair-y Punkmother
I Tripe On T'Pikelets
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GOODIES GALLERY
Graeme's pocket movie camera ... and special trousers!
The Goodies as film producers
"Death In Bognor" - that just has to be Graeme!
Lady Macbeth - "Out, out, damn spot!"
Things are getting bitchy as the film is a failure
This studio just ain't big enough for the three of us!
Bill and the Keystone Cops ready for battle
Bill's "dangling out a window" scene
is spoilt by Tim and lion
The hills are no longer alive to the sound of music!
Bill receives the ten commandments in a painful way
Graeme has a truck looming large from the screen
The giant silent Bill drops Tim from a great height
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