» Introduction & Index
» 1 Lemon Sherbet
» 2 Newsreaders
» 3 Targets: Max & Des
» 4. Goodies Turning ...
» 5. Beanz Ads
» 6. Targets: Nichola...
» 7. Goodies In Love
» 8. The Trandem
» 9. Targets: Tony Bl...
» 10. Inventions
» 11. Tim In Drag
» 12. Targets - David...
» 13. Bill's Outfits
» 14. Live Music
» 15. Targets: Mary &...
» 16. Goodies Relatives
» 17. Tim's Patriotic...
» 18. Targets: Rolf H...
» 19. Bill & Graeme i...
» 20. Sports & Games
» 21. Targets: Lionel...
» 22. Guest Stars: Pa...
» 23. Graeme's Computer
» 24. Monty Python Re...
» 25. Targets: Eddie ...
» 26. Memorable Animals
A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES
7. GOODIES IN LOVE
Although the Goodies seem to prefer "the manly comradeship of their chums" much of the time throughout the show, there are a number of occasions when the love bug bites and they are truly smitten, even to the point of marriage on a few memorable occasions. And not just with pretty young women either – a wardrobe, Graeme's computer and a young Prince Charles are all objects of Goodie affection and desire along the way as well.
The seldom-seen "Playgirl Club" contains the rare event of two women being madly in love with the Goodies, but with the lads not being the least bit keen on the close female attention being lavished on them. Firstly the owner of the women-only Playgirl Club, Miss Heffer, takes a shine to Graeme, who is dressed as a Wolf (a male Bunny equivalent) so that he can locate Tim, who is on his first cross-dressing mission as the glamourous Mitzi in an attempt to retrieve a female politician's embarrassing photos from a session at the club. Confusing, hey?! Certainly so for Graeme, who is cornered by Miss Heffer, ushered into her palatial private room and given "drinkies" to calm his shaking nerves.
Miss Heffer flicks a switch to initiate some mood music and transform the décor of the room to a jungle theme, drawing out Graeme's loony scientist from behind the shyness: "That's incredible, how did you do that … wait a minute! A slow capacitant motor is wired in with a high output to the stereo …", which has Miss Heffer draping herself all over him, cooing "Oh has anyone told you you've got the most beautiful eyes!". She then tries to take things a step further by selecting a key from a rack on the wall and preparing to unlock the padlock-shaped sporran around his waist: "Oh sweetheart, can't you see I want you!", which draws a horrified "Oh my God! No!" from Graeme when he realises what she is up to, and he tosses away a whip that he has unwittingly picked up with an equally terrified yell when it dawns on him that she is actually quite keen on the whole idea!
Luckily "Mitzi" comes in to rescue Graeme from Miss Heffer's clutches just in time and they eventually make a getaway from the Playgirl Club, with Bill having made the "noble sacrifice" of holding back the bevy of beauties chasing after them: "It was beautiful! (ecstatic laugh) … oh, but very tiring!". However their battle against unwanted advances isn't quite finished yet as the Minister For Trade & Domestic Affairs (Mollie Sugden of "Are You Being Served" fame) arrives back at the Goodies office.
Minister: "Did you get the photographs?" Tim: "Yes Minister, we did manage to retrieve the pictures for you. A very good likeness they are too." M (relieved): "You saucebox! Ooh dear, but I'm very grateful." T: "If you don't mind me saying so Minister, I hope you've learned your lesson." G (firmly): Yes you won't go to a place like that again, will you." M: "I most certainly will not, but then of course I don't need to now, do I? Now that I've met you lovely boys! We do anything anytime, hey?!" (she grabs Bill by the hair) B (startled): "What do you mean?!" M (with outstretched arms): "Come to Prudence!" The three Goodies panic and scramble out the office door at a great rate with the Minister opening the same door to find an equally chaotic scene from King Kong screening, only to exit through it anyway.
The Series 2 episode "Free To Live" (aka Women's Lib) is the ultimate example of Goodies in love as that premise forms a major part of the storyline along with women's rights and equality. Graeme sets off proceedings by unveiling his hot date for the evening: a curvaceous blonde airhead named Debbie: "This is Debbie. That's Tim. Say hello, Debbie." D (dippily): "Hello Debbie!" (giggles) G (quietly to T): "She's not very bright!". Tim and Graeme drool over her, describing her as if she was a motor car: (G: "Only one previous owner. Hardly a mark on her. Built for speed." T: "What does she do flat out ?" G: "Nearly everything!") while Bill firstly wonders if she is one of Graeme's robots before being suitably annoyed at their male chauvinism to disguise his voice and report them to Women's Lib.
Barbara, the Women's Lib inspector, barges into the Goodies office in a matter of seconds and, upon seeing the three Goodies, demands to know who sent for her: "I was called by a Militant Sister!" Bill:"That's right. That's me." Barbara (looking at his jacket, beads etc): "Hmm, should have guessed by the uniform. (laughs) I say, I like the beard. That's really what I call equality!" Bill (slightly indignantly): "I'm not a woman." Barbara: "Well what are you doing dressed up like one then?" Bill "I'm not dressed up … (compares what they are wearing) … oh I see what you mean actually, yes. Anyway I am a man, but I'm on your side." Barbara soon liberates Debbie by ordering her to remove her bra (after which she celebrates her new-found freedom by whacking Tim and Graeme with her handbag on the way out) then despatches Graeme and Tim to work for her own male chauvinist pig of a father as his butler and maid respectively. Barbara tells Bill to stay and help her and from this somewhat rocky beginning, true love soon blossoms between them and Barbara takes Bill to her father Charlie's country estate to announce their relationship.
Charlie is rather revolted at the scruffy sight of Bill, having already promised Barbara to Mungo Halfacre (Barbara: "Mungo Halfacre is a loud-mouthed, ill-mannered twit!" C: "Exactly! First-class breeding stock!") but Barbara is equally determined: "I don't care what you say, Daddy. Bill is my new boyfriend." C (indignantly): "But you're only a woman. You can't make important decisions like that. (looks at Graeme, his butler) I mean, can she, old boy?" G:"Of course not!" B (annoyed) "What!" G: "Consider the facts. You see, women are silly, frivolous, empty-headed creatures, I grant you, they're useful and decorative, like a teapot. Damn it all, you wouldn't expect a teapot to make up its own mind who it goes out with, would you?!" C (gleefully): "Ah, well said. Good point!"
Back at the Goodies office that evening, Bill is all excited as Barbara arrives to take him on a date, hoping that she'll even considering popping the question to him as she lavishes him with flowers and chocolates all in the name of equality. Graeme sits there with a disgusted look of contempt while all of this is taking place and his mood isn't helped by Tim getting into the spirit of women's lib and refusing to change out of his maid costume, saying that he's "proud to be a woman". Graeme bellows "You're a man, not a woman. Go and have a look!" in frustration and disbelief and Tim's declaration that "I might even marry if Mr Right comes along has a horrified Graeme retorting: "Mr Wright, the greengrocer! You can't marry him!"
Graeme decides to escape this madness for the evening and ushers in his new date; another blonde bimbo named Tottie. Tim, still dressed as a maid, starts his spiel to liberate her, telling Graeme "You don't own her." (to which Graeme replies "Yes I do. I've got a receipt!") which leads to Tottie calling Tim a loony and pushing past Graeme and out the office door. A furious Graeme accuses Tim of ruining his evening and they have a heated argument which ultimately leads to Graeme declaring "If I wanted an intelligent conversation, I'd rather talk to my computer!". After Tim stalks out in a huff we see a close-up of Graeme enjoying a candlelit dinner in the office and intimately chatting to a woman out of view who has a deep sexy voice, only for the camera to pan back and reveal that Graeme's hot new date is actually his computer, who he can have stimulating conversations about "algorithmic progressions" with now that he has fitted her with a voice box!
We are then treated to a most enjoyable visual sequence of the two happy couples frolicking in the park and the woods to the backing of the Goodies song "Got To Make You Mine", with Bill and Barbara playing on the swings and roundabout and leapfrogging each other before heading into the bushes for some way-hey-hey, while Graeme takes his computer sailing on a gondola and playing chasey, though his attempts at leapfrogging and swinging her merely lead to him taking a couple more acrobatic tumbles for us to appreciate. However we do get to see the classic footage of a smitten Graeme clicking his heels with delight as he and his computer merrily skip along together through the park.
Plans are soon in place for a double wedding, much to Tim's disgust, as he snaps at Graeme: "As for you, the whole neighbourhood is talking about you and THAT … THAT … it's disgusting!" only for Graeme to reply that "It is not, it's beautiful! Anyway I've read the Plain Man's Guide To British Law and they can't touch you for it!" Tim finds that his cases have been packed for him with the end of the Goodies nigh. As there will no longer be room for him in the office, he considers devoting the rest of his life to being a nun instead!
The brides turn up fashionably late for the big occasion; Barbara accompanied by her father and Graeme's computer arriving in a Southern Electronics Transport Company van. Tim also arrives dressed as a Women's Lib protester and with a soapbox speech condemning the drudgery of married life ("washing meals and cooking babies!") he convinces Graeme and Bill not to tie the knot, as both Bill and Graeme order their future wife's attendants to "Take her away!" … "And her!". This headstrong speech stops the ceremony, but it also greatly turns Charlie on: "Bravo! Bravo! What a speech!" …" I thought that you were a plain simple working girl, oh, but underneath ..." T (coyly): "There's a great deal more than you'd imagine!" C: "I love you, you gorgeous red-blooded she-beast! We've got the church, we've got the vicar and now, By God, we're going to have a wedding!". A happy snap is taken of him giving Tim a squeeze before the Goodies lock the gates and bolt off on the trandem with the vicar in hot pursuit on foot.
The next notable instance of a Goodie in love occurs in "Hunting Pink" where Tim has inherited his late uncle's fortune, country estate, raucous voice and love for fox hunting. While revealing his corrupted plans to make Tally Ho Towers "the blood sports centre of the world", he also makes the following important announcement: "I am going to get married."
Graeme: "What!? Who to?"
T: "The Honourable Lady Amanda Barrington Phipps Ponsonby Ponsonby Paddington Waterloo Charing Cross Crewe Alexandra Accrington Stanley Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Tich Carruthers Carruthers Smythe Junior. Known to her friends as Big Knockers"
G: "Is she pretty?"
T: "Pretty? Hmph! She's hideous! She is Horsewoman Of The Year - more horse than woman, but then ... looks aren't everything and in her case they're nothing! We're gonna get married and breed horses!"
Bill (incredulously): That's impossible!"
T (bluntly): "You haven't seen her!"
Tim mentions that she's out "trying on her new wardrobe" and when she does come inside she is actually wearing a large wooden wardrobe that completely hides her from view. A horrified Graeme exclaims "You can't marry THAT!", to which Tim replies " Yes I can. It's gonna be a traditional hunt wedding. We're gonna slaughter a rabbit, hang the giblets around her neck, paint her cheeks with blood and slap her round the kisser with its bladder. All very sloppy and sentimental, I know. But I love it ... the blood ... mwaaahahaaa!", with Bill rightly exclaiming "He's gone loony!" at the very idea. Tim's wardrobe fiancee later comes a cropper when hurdling a fence and is ultimately smashed into a "load of old firewood" by Bill as part of the treatment to cure Tim of his love of fox hunting.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and in "Scatty Safari", the plague of Rolf Harrises infesting Britain after their escape from the Goodies Star Safari Park leads to the following proclamation from a "certain anonymous Queen": "Whomsoever can rid my land of this plague of Rolf Harrises shall win the hand of my eldest son in marriage … or one thousand OBE's."
Tim: "Say no more, Your Majesty. We shall do it!" The Queen (on television, quizzically): "Who are you?!" Tim (proudly): "We're the Goodies!" The Queen (scornfully): "Ohh! Gordon Bennett!!"
However she is true to her word after the Goodies do indeed manage to lure all of the Rolfs (except for a lame Jake The Peg) into the wondrous portal of the other side – the ITV studios – never to be seen again, and we get to see the amusing footage of Tim as the royal bride appearing to cosy up to a young Prince Charles with Graeme and Bill bedecked with OBEs and weeping tears of joy in the background. As Prince Charles was quite a fan of the show at the time, he was apparently contacted by production staff and asked if he would like to appear in the show in person. As Tim mentions in C&G #25 (Dec 1997): "Prince Charles volunteered to play himself in the marriage scene. Unfortunately palace advisers got to him." Such a shame – it would have made for an all-time classic piece of comedy footage.
In "Cunning Stunts", Graeme is concerned that Bill just isn't himself: "What is the matter with you?! Look, you've been mooning around in a daydream with that … (points to photo in Bill's hand) … ah there's only one thing that it can be and unless I'm very much mistaken …" B (dreamily): "I'm in love." G (surprised): "Oh so it's not a hernia!". Closer examination of the photo and a newspaper article reveals that Bill is hopelessly in love with wealthy heiress Mildred Makepeace, whose miserable tycoon father Sir Joshua has promised her hand in marriage to whoever can make him laugh again. Bill firstly only succeeds in making Sir Joshua even grumpier with an accidental impersonation of him and his own dismal mood and uselessness at work leads to him being sacked from The Goodies by Tim and Graeme. Bill's sad tale of rejection though (even to the point of possibly being replaced by Nicholas Parsons or Roger Moore!) has Sir Joshua rolling on the floor shrieking with laughter, but he is still unable to marry Mildred because she has left home to get away from her "miserable old twit" of a father and he doesn't know where she has gone.
Freed of his burden of love with Mildred disappearing, an upbeat Bill returns to the Goodies Clarion & Globe office and wants his old job back as Ace Reporter, only to find that Mildred herself has replaced him. Bill asks Mildred if she is still going to marry him, but she rejects him, saying that she has now got her career to consider. (B: "But I made your Dad laugh." M: "You make me laugh too, but I'm not going to marry you!") An annoyed Bill then rounds on Tim and Graeme: "That's what you wanted all along, isn't it, hey?! A bit of crumpet around the office, oh yeah, of course it is, yeah!" A quick snog behind the filing cabinet, yeah. That's what you two were after isn't it?"
T (offended): "I'm sure Mildred is not that kind of girl!" B: "Oh yes she is!" T (excited): "Is she really?! (B makes a fist pumping gesture)
T (unconvincingly): "Bill, I don't know how you could say that. Mildred is quite clearly suited to the job on account of her long legs ... er, experience, experience! She has extremely impressive bosoms ... breasts ... er, qualifications. She has a splendidly pert cheeky pinchable little ... little ... degree in economics and sociology and a terrific bum, bum ... er, bottom and I'm sure we'll all enjoy groping her ... er, working her ... er, working with her. So kindly push off"
Bill's love affair with Mildred is definitely over and he takes the "push off" message to heart; heading off to France to participate in the Eurovision Raving Loony Contest. Tim also rapidly shelves any romantic notions as Mildred firstly bosses him around and then reverses the theme of his quote above by indulging in sexually harrassing him. After pinching him on the bum, Mildred purrs: "Oh come on, don't be so outraged. That's what you expect isn't it, a bit of slap and tickle from the boss, eh? If you're no good for that, what are you good for?" Tim's indignant response of "Just what do you think I am?!" draws Mildred's rather blunt reply of: "A pretty little thing! And that's about all." Then after getting his cheeks tweaked again, Tim squawks: "Get off! You ... you female chauvinist sow! I ... I'm not your little bit of fluff, you know!" M: "No, but there's plenty who wish they were, hey Mr Garden?" G (all wide-eyed and innocent): "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, miss!" However Graeme soon stops trying to get in Mildred's good books when she asks him to sit on her lap and read to her. As he gazes longingly at her, she says: "Let me look at you. Take your glasses off, Mr Garden." (G removes glasses and keeps staring at her) M (very uninterested) : "No, not really on, is it?!" G (most offended): "YOU COW!!", giving he and Tim ample reason to leave Mildred behind and set off after Bill.
The next brief but notable love interest is Graeme's "gal" in the bunfight sequence of the "OK Tea Rooms" episode. We see her running to Graeme as he makes his way down the stairs of the tea room, only for him to push her away as he has more important things on his mind, like fleecing Tim and Bill of their fortune in a game of toast poker. Then as Graeme's "chums lay in the ketchup" after he has sprayed them with lethal tomato sauce, she runs to his arms and embraces him, "but even as they kissed she met her doom" thanks to one last squirt of sauce from a dying Bill, causing a heartbroken Graeme to lather himself with sauce and perish with one of the most spectacular tumbles imaginable.
Following the Goodies split in "Punky Business", Tim seems to be the lone beacon for niceness and decency (and shiny shoes!) in a world that is dominated by the uncouthness and nastiness of the burgeoning punk trend. He figures that there is only one person who can help him understand why punk has become so popular – columnist Caroline Kook from the "Melody Maker" magazine – so he invites her out to an intimate evening meal only to find that the restaurant has sunk to punk since lunchtime that day thanks to Graeme the obnoxious punk waiter. After Caroline has given Tim a lecture about his objection to punk because she makes a lot of money writing about it and other trends, Tim sits motionless, thoughtfully contemplating while the sauce that Graeme has dumped on his head still trickles gently down his face, and finally utters: "I am overwhelmed by your intellect. Will you marry me?".
An unimpressed Caroline rejects his offer of marriage and also his escort to the upcoming Trendsetters Ball, but ultimately Tim does make it to the Ball thanks to his Fairy Punkmother Graeme. As Punkarella, the "rat-festooned, lizard-hung weirdo", he upstages all those present and is enjoying a dance with Caroline until the clock strikes midnight and the dodgy clip on his leg gives way, giving her a considerably more substantial memento of the evening than a mere glass slipper as he hops off into the darkness. A proclamation is issued by the judges of the Trendsetters Ball that whoever the leg fits will win the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage and be declared "Officially Amazing", causing all the punks in the discos to saw one of their own legs off in a futile (and rather painful) bid to win this grand prize. Upon the flunkies arriving at the Goodies office, they are initially distracted by Bill the pirate and his one-legged parrot before Tim rightly regains his leg "and won the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage. (shot of Tim placing a ring on Caroline's severed hand and tucking it Napoleon-style into his jacket) The rest of the delectable Caroline went to Graeme (who is holding her head and upper body) except the bit that went to Bill" (as he runs into the distance hoisting her legs and lower body triumphantly in the air!)
The final major instance of a Goodie in love occurs in "Saturday Night Grease" as a dejected Tim returns to the Goodies office after being thrown out of yet another disco, despite him having the right hairdo, groovy fashion and even a splendid high-pitched voice thanks to the zipper of his ultra-tight jeans. Bill is disgusted with Tim's appearance and behaviour; grumbling: "That's why you're really doing it, hey, hey? You're after smut, aren't you?! Hoping you'll pick up some trollop in one of those smoky dives you go to!" T (offended): "She is not a trollop!" (motioning towards the curtains in his part of the office which usually cover his portrait of the Queen) B (aghast): "She!! You wouldn't catch her going to one of those places, mate! She's a really nice … (parts the curtains to find that Tim has replaced the Queen's portrait with a photo of Olivia Newton John) … Good Lord!" Graeme (surprised): "Who is that?!" B: "That's not the Queen!" T (dreamily): "Isn't she lovely, you know what I mean …" B: "Oh blimey (starts singing), he's in looooove!"
Tim then lapses into a version of "Summer Lovin'" with Bill and Graeme providing the "tell me more, tell me more" backing until they realise that they are making absolute fools of themselves and Graeme's contrite expression of embarrassment afterwards is a ripper. Tim continues on solo until Bill mockingly calls him "Tim Travolta", to which he hisses angrily: "Don't mention his name! I hate him 'coz he's got Livvy and I haven't!" B (scornfully): Livvy, Livvy! You fancy that Australian plastic bint?! Hmm tell you something mate, I'd rather have Edna Everage. At least she's a real woman! (G opens his mouth to correct B, but stops) What a fantasy world he lives in, hey?!"
To ease Tim's unhappiness, Graeme suggests that they all go out dancing together that night, though when the time comes, he appears in a frilly pink dress and hat. T: "Graeme, why are you dressed as a woman?!" G: "What?! Three fellas going out dancing together! People would stare at us!" While Bill goes out to find them a nice disco to dance at (even if he has to start one himself, which he indeed does), Graeme teaches Tim how to dance the trendy Disco Heave. When a hyped-up Tim is asked "Now do you know what to do next?", he tightly hugs a concerned Graeme and babbles: "Yes. I hold her close, I gaze into her eyes and say 'Dinkum, dinkum, dinkum! Speak to me in Aussie, you cheeky little jumbuck!'" G (pushing T away, appalled): "You smutty pervert! Bill was right. Once and for all, I'm here to teach you dancing, not snogging." T (offended): "Don't use that word, it's ugly!" G: "So? Snogging. Snnnogging … with Aussie trollops! Eeeew … eeeccccch! You have no scruples. I'm not teaching you!" T: "No you're not teaching me, you're sending me up, right?" (G gives a cheeky grin and nod)
Later in this episode, the Mixed Dancing competition at Disco Bilius is turned on its ear by a late entry from Tim Revolta (just released from the prison but still in his straightjacket and ball & chain) and Olivia Newton Grayboots (handicapped by very high-heeled shoes and rather tight jeans) singing "You're The One That I Want", but both having trouble moving far enough to reach each other for a dance. A deluded Tim thinks that Graeme really is the girl of his dreams as he croons "Oh Livvy, Livvy be mine!" until Bill comes along to spoil the party by dewigging Graeme so that he can't claim the winner's prizemoney.
These instances of various Goodies being in love, often with some rather unusual partners, certainly add plenty of interest and amusement to the episodes that they occur in. The normal romantic situation for them in most episodes however is probably best summed up by this quote from the "Gender Education" episode: Mrs Desiree Carthorse: "I don't find you reading dirty books, looking at filthy television programs and playing around with girls. You are obviously ..."
Graeme (ruefully): "Unlucky!" Tim: " Unlucky ... no, no, we're pure, pure ...!"
Pure indeed! Then again, there is also this exchange to contemplate from "The End" when the lads are encased inside a block of concrete: B: "Let's face it, for the next three years we three are doomed to be bachelors gay. (puts his arm on Tim's shoulder, pats him on the head and smiles) That's an idea, isn't it?!" T (outraged): "Get off!!" B (coyly): Hey, I don't mind shaving, you know. Underneath this lot I look a bit like Liza Minelli." T (unimpressed): "I've often wondered why you grew it." B (offended): "You bitch!" Touche!
1/4 Playgirl Club
Miss Heifer has got the hots for Graeme
"Mitzi" and Miss Heifer fighting over Graeme
"We do anything anytime, hey?!"
"Come to Prudence!"
2/10 Free To Live
Graeme with his three love interests from this show - Debbie, Tottie and his computer!
Barbara: "Bill's my new boyfriend!"
Graeme and his beloved computer sailing, swinging and skipping.
The four lovebirds in action
The double wedding
Charlie and "militant sister" Tim make an unlikely match
3/2 Hunting Pink
Tim's fiancee in her "new wardrobe"
5/6 Scatty Safari
Part of the Goodies' reward for ridding Britain of Rolfs -
Tim's marriage to Prince Charles!
5/10 Cunning Stunts
Bill is obsessed with Mildred Makepeace
"Take your glasses off, Mr Garden ..."
"No, not really on, is it?!"
5/12 OK Tea Rooms
Graeme's gal runs to his arms, before meeting her doom
7/4 Punky Business
"I am overwhelmed by your intellect. Will you marry me?"
Dancing at the Trendsetters Ball
Tim wins Caroline Kook's hand in marriage ...
While Graeme and Bill get to divide up the rest of her!
8/2 Saturday Night Grease
Tim is in love with Livvy.
"Speak to me in Aussie, you cheeky little jumbuck!"
Tim Revolta & Olivia Newton Grayboots indulging in a little mixed dancing.