» Introduction & Index
» 1 Lemon Sherbet
» 2 Newsreaders
» 3 Targets: Max & Des
» 4. Goodies Turning ...
» 5. Beanz Ads
» 6. Targets: Nichola...
» 7. Goodies In Love
» 8. The Trandem
» 9. Targets: Tony Bl...
» 10. Inventions
» 11. Tim In Drag
» 12. Targets - David...
» 13. Bill's Outfits
» 14. Live Music
» 15. Targets: Mary &...
» 16. Goodies Relatives
» 17. Tim's Patriotic...
» 18. Targets: Rolf H...
» 19. Bill & Graeme i...
» 20. Sports & Games
» 21. Targets: Lionel...
» 22. Guest Stars: Pa...
» 23. Graeme's Computer
» 24. Monty Python Re...
» 25. Targets: Eddie ...
» 26. Memorable Animals
» 27. Foreigners
» 28. Targets: The Ra...
» 29. Graeme falling ...
» 30. Targets - Royal...
» 31. Tim Crying
» 32. Baddies & Villa...
» 33. Targets: Ken Ru...
» 34. Quick Change Ca...
» 35. Goodies Deaths
A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES
5. "BEANZ MEANZ HEANZ" ADS
One of the really enjoyable highlights of the episodes in the first four series of The Goodies is the mock ad break in the middle of each show which features one or two products that are flogged off by being sent up in wicked parodies of existing ads from that era. Most of these are one-offs for a particular item; however the best-remembered and probably most-loved mock commercial topic occurs in a series of 9 separate ads spread over three series, plus a sendup of itself further down the track – the "Beanz Meanz Heanz" campaign.
This is a very thinly-veiled parody of the popular "Beanz Meanz Heinz" jingle which was first thought up by an advertising agency in 1967 and is still going as strong as ever today. However instead of hearing a young schoolboy waxing lyrically with cheerful poetry about the joys of eating baked beans, we instead get to see Tim dressed as a young schoolboy and attempting to wax lyrically until he inevitably gets sidetracked at the key moment and duly receives one of a variety of punishments from an increasingly frustrated and rather callous producer Graeme.
The initial block of ads appears in the first five episodes of Series 2 with Tim walking onto the set from the side to stand in front of a large "BEANZ MEANZ HEANZ" backdrop and announce the title of his poem. He has a pageboy-style blonde haircut and is wearing a school uniform consisting of a very short black v-neck jumper, grey shirt, black and yellow-striped tie and grey shorts. Tim's character appears to be very young, a bit timid and rather hesitant in the first four ads but much bolder in the final one. We only get to see fleeting glimpses of Graeme in these ads and although he is casually dressed he definitely means business with his intimidating bellows of "Get it right!" and harsh treatment when Tim ultimately mucks up his lines.
Here are the transcripts of the first five "Beanz Meanz Heanz" ads:
2/1 Loch Ness Monster
"When I Grow Up"
When I grow up I want to be
A spaceman or a sailor on the sea
And Mummy says that all my dreams
Will come true if I eat lots of … cornflakes?
(G: "Get it right!" – slaps Tim across the face. Tim starts to cry)
2/2 The Commonwealth Games
"My Favourite Dream"
Um, last night I had some wonderful dreams
I dreamt I had a big plate of … er …(restarts)
Last night I had some wonderful dreams
I dreamt I … er
(G: "Get it right!" – hits Tim over the head with a mallet. Tim drops from view)
"What I Like"
I like meat and I like greens
But most of all I like … (a boxing glove on a long stick appears in view)
I like trains and submarines
And for my supper I like … um … (boxing glove reappears)
I like palaces with kings and queens
But best by far I love baked … er, fish, I like (T getting more nervous as boxing glove hovers)
And old blue jeans, and especially a nice big plate of … um
Plate of … um (T is tapped on the shoulder with the glove)
(G: "Get it right!" – punches Tim in the mouth with the boxing glove. Tim spits out 2 teeth.)
2/4 The Lost Tribe
Ah, when I've … I've had a hard day at school
My Mummy always makes it a rule
To give me what I like best, which means
A plate of lovely hot baked … um, potatoes?
(G: "Get it right!" – rubs a plate of baked beans into Tim's face. Tim starts wailing.)
2/5 The Music Lovers
(A more distant shot of the set instead of the usual close-up)
"If I Was A Millionaire"
If I was a millionaire and lived off private means
I'd still spend all my money on lovely hot baked beans …
No I wouldn't!! I'd … I'd buy a yacht … and a villa in the south of France and have lots of ladies with no clothes on and I'd buy a new bicycle and I wouldn't eat any rotten beans! I'd eat bullseyes and caviar and chips and …
(A trapdoor opens underneath Tim and he disappears rapidly from view)
Following this initial cluster of ads, the remaining four are a bit more spread out, appearing every second episode in Series 3 with a final instalment in the last episode of Series 4. There are a few changes to these ads from the ones in Series 2, most notably the slogan on the backdrop being altered to read "HEENZ MEENZ BEENZ" for whatever reason and Tim's school uniform changes to a light grey jumper, white shirt, dark blue tie and dark grey shorts. Tim's character is also much more confident but just as forgetful and Graeme the cruel producer has discovered some nifty new methods of punishment since the previous ads.
Here are the transcripts of the final four "Heenz Meenz Beenz" ads:
3/1 The New Office
"My Favourite Supper"
I had my favourite supper tonight
And we all know what that means
My Mummy gave me you-know-what
A lovely plate of … onion soup with croutons and a honeydew melon, and not forgetting the steak dianne with pimento sauce and courgettes and, of course, ratatouille and scampi in white wine, and not to mention the braised artichoke hearts … (a bucket filled with baked beans is lowered into view)
… and what meal would be complete without a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild and …
(G: "Get it right!" – tips the bucket of beans all over Tim's head)
3/3 Winter Olympics
"When I Get Home From School"
(Tim walks on stage, obviously busting to go to the toilet)
When I get home from school each day
My Mummy says to me
Just tell me what you've learnt in class
And then I'll get you your tea
Please Sir, I … (turns to exit stage but is pushed back on with a broom)
And so I tell her all I've learnt … I want to leave … (pushed with broom again)
Of soldiers, kings and queens … I don't think I can wait … (broom again) … yes I can!
And then because I've been so good, she gives me lots of … Oh my God … !
(G: "Get it right!" – a large punching bag swings in from the side and knocks Tim out)
3/5 For Those In Peril On The Sea
"The Best Poem I Know"
(Tim giggles) The Vicar's daughter, she was there
She had us all in fits
By jumping off the mantlepiece
And landing on … a plate of baked beans!
Actually it wasn't on baked beans, it was on her …
(Camera pans back and an army tank appears in view)
(G: "Do it properly!" – fires artillery shell from the tank. Tim is left blackened and crying)
4/6 The Race
"What I Like Best To Eat"
Not fish, not meat, not spuds, nor greens
What I like best is Heenz Baked Beenz!
(G (ecstatically): "He's got it right! The lad's done it! He's got it right!")
(The large backdrop falls and smashes over Tim's head, then he starts crying)
"The Race" also spells the end of the mid-episode mock commercial breaks, so a final Beanz ad where Tim actually gets it right only to be punished anyway by an unfortunate twist of fate is a perfectly appropriate way to conclude this feature of The Goodies. However there is then a very satisfying sendup of Tim's Beanz Boy in the Series 6 episode "It Might As Well Be String" which is a show devoted to the almighty advertising dollar and the miracle ingredient of "truth in advertising" that threatens to destroy it.
Towards the end of this episode Tim is pursuing Bill and Graeme through the television studios in an attempt to stop them corrupting the previously "honest and unimpeachably good" product of string when he comes across a studio set with a backdrop of "HEANZ MEANZ STRING" and a more teenage-looking Timbo the Beanz Boy who is wearing a green and yellow blazer, white shirt, black and white-striped tie and grey shorts. The Beanz Boy only gets as far as: "My Mum bought me some string today 'Cos string is better than beans. She always gives me … [bloomph bloomph]!" as an annoyed Tim smears a plate of baked beans into the kid's face (that is, into his own face) in a very surreal scene and charges off, leaving the Beanz Boy spitting out beans and crying.
The Beanz Meanz Heanz / Heenz Meenz Beenz ads are a wonderful example of Goodies-style humour and fun, though Tim just might beg to differ after suffering so nobly for his art so that we can have a laugh at his expense! The Goodies mock ads are definitely the only commercial break that I've ever actually looked forward to sitting through and the series of Beanz ads are very much one of my favourite Goodies sequences. Heinz would never have been able to get away with making these ads using a real schoolboy at any rate!
2/1 "When I Grow Up"
An innocent-looking Tim in the first beans ad
"Get it right!" [SLAP]
2/2 "My Favourite Dream"
Graeme threatening Tim with a big mallet
2/3 "What I Like"
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth back!
2/4 "Tea Time
Get it right ... or else
Or else, this!
I'm supposed to eat 'em, not wear 'em. Waah!
2/5 "If I Was A Millionaire"
And down he goes ...
3/1 "My Favourite Supper"
Tim's being threatened again ...
3/3 "When I Get Home From School"
Please Sir, I've gotta go!
It's a knockout!
3/5 "The Best Poem I Know"
"Do it properly!"
It's not much fun being shot at by a tank!
4/6 "What I Like Best To Eat"
"He got it right!"
Yet he still gets hurt!
6/5 "Heanz Meanz String"
Take that, kid!
Even big Beanz Boys cry!