A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #31
For the Australian TV show 'Where Are They Now' in 1997, the three Goodies were reunited in a London pub to reminisce about the show and its run on television right throughout the 1970s. As part of looking back at aspects of the show that they most enjoyed, Bill enthusiastically declared: "So I loved (Graeme's falls) and I used to look forward to Tim crying – nothing I liked better" as footage screened of Tim's teary run across the meadow in 'Black & White Beauty'. Tim jokingly interjects: "That was off the set!" as Bill laughingly continues: "I think Tim was extremely funny being 'meek little Timbo'!" before Graeme and Tim take their turn to praise Bill for his music.
In the 2005 special 'Return of the Goodies', comedian Ronnie Ancona describes Tim as being "a slightly establishment figure, an effete sort of character … but innocent, vulnerable and put-upon" and Tim's habit suddenly bursting into tears at unexpected intervals and often over rather trivial matters certainly fits in neatly with her assessment of his character. Tim's tearful turns are an interesting ongoing feature of the show and add quite a deal of humour to some rather dramatic moments in various episodes as he is an expert at turning on the waterworks at short notice. This article deals with the main occasions where Tim ends up in tears, but there may well be several other occasions that could be included too; especially where he is in full panic mode as well.
Tim’s first cry is a joint one with Bill when the masked horserider that they have been pursuing from the Tower of London disappears through the gates of Buckingham Palace. Tim is horrified to realize that "It REALLY was him!" (a cheeky young Prince Charles) while Bill can only offer a worried "Oh flippin' heck!" before they jointly start to blubber in despair.
Nanny Tim gets the task of waking Cecily (a girl of about 10 wearing a black school tunic) and after she initially screams and throws things at him in fright, she tells him that her real nanny is locked in the cellar. A hair-raising trip down the creaky stairs for Tim carrying a torch and candle reveals a skeleton sitting in the rocking chair, which totally freaks him out. After the mock ad break, Graeme is pictured in the kitchen uttering the consoling words: "There, there, there, no more crying. We're with you now." … to a sobbing Tim rather than young Cecily as one would have initially expected!
The Commonwealth Games
The Minister of Sport informs the Goodies that the August Bank Holiday Island athletics stadium is on the top of a "ruddy great mountain" more than 7500 metres high that no Englishman has yet managed to climb and that they have 25 minutes to climb the peak and get acclimatised to the high altitude before the Games begin. . Because the Minister also hasn't got the hang of decimals yet, he claims that the mountain could be up to 20 miles in height and that there will be no air at all, which causes Tim to tearfully moan "We're all going to die!"
The Lost Tribe
While searching for the lost Professor, Tim tries to lay a board across a creek to enable the others to cross it, but in the process does a big bellywhacker into the water to the applause of a crowd of people on a nearby bridge. He defiantly motions to them to go away and then wipes the tears from his eyes afterwards.
The Music Lovers
The Goodies have formed their own band in a bid to be stolen by the kidnappers who have been abducting various other musical acts; however they can't decide which song to play until Tim suggests 'Land of Hope and Glory'. Bill unleashes a sizzling rendition of it on his electric guitar, with Graeme on piano and Tim hitting the high notes with his two pretty glee singers. The thugs duly arrive straight afterwards, but only take Tim's glee singers and Bill's indignant "Oi, what about us?!" gets a reply of "You ain't good enough!", which prompts a tearful outburst from Tim of "We aren't good enough … and we practiced so hard … !"
Free To Live
Lovebirds Bill and Barbara are about to head out on a date, along with Graeme and his sexy-voiced computer; leaving an upset Tim all alone in the Goodies office where he is "going to have a jolly good cry" as he is the only one missing out on some loving company.
The Goodies find that the trandem has been stolen and report it to the police, only to get treated with disrespect and derision by the police Sergeant (who mockingly chants "Somebody stole your trandem, somebody stole your trandem ...!") and a bunch of other boys in blue, who stick their fingers in their ears, pull funny faces and make silly noises at the bewildered Goodies. The Sergeant continues to insult them - calling Graeme "Fish face" and Bill "Squirt". Tim is horrified at this nasty treatment; sobbing "We've never done anything wrong in our lives!", only to be branded a "Pansy" for his trouble. The Sergeant shows them a 'Wanted' poster for the Goodies which advises that "These people are nasty, beastly, rude and horrible. Police are instructed to treat them with extreme disdain and call them names."
Twinkle the kitten ends up lodged up a huge tree in the park and Tim eventually climbs up a ladder and hands the kitten over to Bill, who climbs down to safety. Bill and Graeme then return to the office to test Graeme's new growth formula on Twinkle, but leave a bawling Tim stuck high up in the branches to fend for himself for "four ruddy days"!
The New Office
Having been locked out of their office for six months while the builders are supposedly doing some minor renovations, an impatient Tim bangs on the door, pleading to be let in ("I want to see (the renovated office) before I die!") and Bill threatens to belt him one if he doesn't calm down. Amid their carrying-on, Graeme burns the last bean from the Goodies' food supply (causing Tim to blubber that "We're all going to die!), so they all start to bang on the door in a bid to find out what is actually happening inside their office.
Hospital For Hire
The ailing Minister of Health agrees to allow Graeme to put his idea of a mobile travelling hospital into action to help improve the National Health Service and then comments that it will be a big job and asks if the Goodies are sure that they want to do it. Tim boldly announces "Yes Sir, we'll do it, for England (and puts on a "Land of Hope and Glory" record that is conveniently located in the Minister's office) We'll do it, not for reasons of personal glory, not even …" His short-lived patriotic speech is rapidly curtailed by Graeme, who swipes the needle across the record and utters bluntly: "There isn't time for that!" Tim sooks: "But I wanted to make a speech!" and Bill sympathetically tells him: "Aw c'mon you can make one in the bath tonight." as they leave the office.
The Goodies and the Beanstalk
The Goodies have fallen on hard times and have to live rough in a public park; though Graeme soon makes himself at home with a comfy park bench mattress, paper bag pillow, newspaper sheets, a tulip reading lamp and even a bottle of bubbly from out of a rubbish bin. By contrast Tim and Bill endure much more spartan living conditions and Tim breaks down in tears after refusing to eat the daffodils that Bill has cooked up for tea. Tim sobs: "I don't like being poor!" only for Bill to plead "No don't start that, you'll get me going!" and then they both howl at the moon like a pair of coyotes in despair.
Heanz Meanz Beanz Ads
The mock ads for Heanz Baked Beans from Series 2 to 4 (and a parody in Series 6 episode "It Might As Well Be String" see Tim the schoolboy cop all sorts of punishment from Graeme the producer for fluffing his lines and at least five of these ads end in tears for Tim:
2/1 Loch Ness Monster
"When I Grow Up"
(Graeme slaps Tim across the face.)
2/4 The Lost Tribe
(Graeme rubs a plate of baked beans into Tim's face.)
3/5 For Those In Peril On The Sea
"The Best Poem I Know"
(Graeme fires an artillery shell from a tank at Tim)
4/6 The Race
"What I Like Best To Eat"
(The large backdrop falls and smashes over Tim's head)
6/5 "It Might As Well Be String"
(Schoolboy Tim cops a plate of beans in the face from an enraged adult Tim in a rather surreal scene)
Producer Tim fires all of the movie directors at Pinetree Studios after he and the other Goodies have spent 18 hours reviewing their extremely boring and pretentious works. Just after Tim has angrily given the directors their marching orders, Graeme and Bill enter the room and Tim exclaims "I suppose you think I was too hard on them?" When Bill replies: "Well, you know, you …", Tim spontaneously bursts into tears and while consoling him, Bill continues: "No, no, fair enough, they deserve it. It's just old Ken (Russell). He did do 'The Boyfriend' with Twiggy and the dancing … that was nice." A dismayed Tim replies: "He also had Oliver Reed burned to death!", only for Bill to keenly chirp: "Yeah, so he can't be all bad, can he?!"
The Clown Virus
When Major Cheeseburger returns to the office, he is shocked to realise that the Goodies have eaten the CV 70 "tomato soup" and have turned into clowns and tells them that there is no known cure for the clown virus. This bad news prompts an exaggerated stream of waterworks from Tim, who doesn't relish the prospect of being stuck as a clown forever
Tim is bawling away loudly after Tony Blackburn's demise at the hands of a celebrity hunter with Bill trying to console him (while busily wringing Tim's sodden hankies out into a large bucket). Bill says: "I know you miss him, but you see, Tony's happy now. He's up there romping merrily in that great Radio 1 club in the sky.", but Tim replies: "Oh I don't care about him anymore; it's just that without a big star we're not going to make any more money" and adds in an annoyed tone: "Stuff Tony Blackburn!" Bill gets quite excited about this prospect; enthusiastically remarking: "That's an idea!"
Kung Fu Kapers
Graeme and Tim are having a Kung Fu duel and before Graeme's next attacking move, Tim wimpily asks "You're not going to hurt me, are you?" Graeme smugly replies "Slightly!" and Tim briefly sooks: "I don't want to be hurt!", to which Graeme responds: "Now Tim, there is an old Chinese proverb. The King of Kung Fu doesn't cry a lot!"
Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
Tim also has a bright idea to launch a rocket to warn the ships; however he makes the mistake of lighting the wick while the rocket is still inside the lighthouse, much to Graeme's horror. After Graeme and Tim have tried desperately to get rid of the rocket (including Graeme finally flinging it out the door after battling a gale force wind and frantically doing up all of the locks, only to find that the rocket has already blown back inside to Tim, who lobs it at him anyway!), Tim takes off out the window while still hanging onto the rocket. He is eventually dumped back onto the glass roof of the lamp room after being caught up in a spectacular fireworks display and comes back inside the lighthouse bawling and blubbering after his wild ride and heavy landing.
Bill returns to the Goodies Clarion & Globe office in a buoyant mood after making Sir Joshua Makepeace laugh and is ready to claim his old job back; however he is devastated to find that Mildred has taken over his role and also has no interest in marrying him either. After Tim and Graeme have told him to "Push off!" a dejected Bill remarks: "Push off? Push off! So it's come to that now, has it?" and to Graeme's backing tape recording of sad 'Hearts & Flowers' music he laments: "No friends, no job and now I've lost my best girl." Graeme tells Tim to "Get this down; it might make a human interest story!" as Bill continues: "Well don't worry about me; I'll be alright … and if I'm not then nobody is going to worry about me, are they? So nobody can be upset, can they? Except me!" Bill starts to cry and Tim immediately starts to wail as well; causing Bill to remark: "Well at least Tim has some compassion!", only for Tim to whimper: "I broke my pencil!" much to Bill's disgust.
Bunfight at the OK Tea Rooms
There are a series of news reports about a big cream rush in the sleepy Cornish town of Pennenink (complete with many awful puns like "Ice cream, you scream and everyone's creaming it off down in Cornwall" and "So if you don't want to be a clot, whip on down there!"), although sadly it can't last forever and poor Tim and Bill are among those to miss out; arriving with buckets in hand just as a gusher of cream fizzles out, then sobbing in desperation afterwards.
Daylight Robbery on the Orient Express
Tim (in drag as a train hostess) gets hysterical when the train starts moving with Bill having fallen out the back of it and gets slapped across the face by a fed-up Graeme. Tim starts to cry; protesting that he is a "frail little lady" and wants Bill back because "he wouldn't have hit me", and this turns into a lovelorn serenade until a mocking Graeme tells him to "put a sock in it!"
Black & White Beauty
A callous Bill treats Tim's pantomime horse Black & White Beauty very cruelly in the neighbouring property (jumping up and down on Beauty, tipping garbage on him, hitting him with an axe and blasting him with a machine gun!) while a distraught Tim watches from the fenceline and this leads to one of the all-time classic Goodies scenes of Tim's epic teary run across the meadow with the theme music of 'Black Beauty' playing in the background. Graeme watches events unfold from the doorway and stretches his arms out in consolation, but is told to "Leave me alone!" by a distraught Tim; who pushes him away on yet another spectacular fall into a pile of rubbish bins; after which he gets up and furiously shakes his fist at Bill
Graeme tries to cure Tim's inhibitions about his belly button and Bill dresses up as Tim's Mum to help Tim to regress to his childhood, but this only makes matters worse when Tim gets upset because Bill looks just like her. Tim wails: "The voice, the clothes, but above all, the beard! It was the beard that really used to shame me. All the lads used to pass remarks like: 'Hey Curly Tops … who's Mum's got jowl-to-jowl carpeting!' My young life was misery." and "It's not my fault I didn't grow up big, tough and hairy like my Mum!" as Bill tries to apologise to him.
A Kick in the Arts
Bill and Graeme (as entrepreneur Kerry Thwacker) discover prison escapee Tim trying to hide under hay in their athletics stables and Tim pleads for them not to hand him over to the police. Graeme realises that it's actually Tim's birthday and so "he must have fun, friends and a birthday pressie. We must give him a day to remember ... then we get the police!", which only serves to set off Tim's wailing even more.
Chief Of Police Tim hauls chief hooligan (and bored-to-tears lone spectator) Bill back to the Goodies office after the farcical soccer match where Tim had tried to take all unsavoury aspects out of the game by forcing all of the players to wear hats or skinhead wigs instead of flaunting their long locks, covering the referee's bare knees with his bobby's helmet and then sending him off because his shorts were too short and bringing the exuberant hugging and kissing between the soccer players after a goal is scored to an abrupt halt by sending both teams off. A stern Tim lets Bill off with a caution this time (giving him a knee to the groin!) before suddenly bursting into tears in front of Graeme, blubbering "I'm so upset Graeme. It all went wrong and I tried …"
A Change of Life
After the distribution of his possessions, Graeme announces that "My work is at an end. I can die a happy man." and launches a spectacular dive from the ledge. Tim runs to the balcony and wails distraughtly "Oh it's horrible, I can't bear to look! Stone dead, that little face looking up at me!" Graeme has landed on Tim's pet tortoise, Gilbert, on the level below, squashing it as flat as a tack, as Bill callously remarks "I'll put him in the stamp collection!"
Bill (the human puppy) uses his "big sad brown eyes" and desperate whimpering to shame Tim (his owner) into not dumping him in the river; chuckling wickedly until an angry Tim turns around and prepares to drown him again, before he turns on another burst of howling and sad expressions that draws waterworks from Tim in sympathy!
"It really was him ... oh flippin' heck!"
Nanny Tim upset after seeing his fellow Nanny's skeleton
2/5 The Music Lovers
"We're not good enough ... !"