Tim walks into the office to find two ancient technicians from the GPO installing a telephone and complains that "it's about time too", which draws a response from Bill that they were very lucky because the GPO "sent their emergency team!" The phone starts ringing straight away, with incredulous gasps of "God blimey, it's worked!" and "Well I never!" from the old men. Tim takes a garbled call from the personal private secretary for the Minister of State for Trade and Domestic Affairs, with endless replies of "Thank you" in the process and informs the others that the Minister is coming to see them right away.
As it is important for the Goodies to get the job, they need to try to impress him. Tim exclaims "Now the first thing we need is a dolly secretary. Cabinet ministers always go for that sort of thing!" and Graeme obliges by bringing an inflatable model out of the cupboard for Bill to blow up. Graeme reorganises the office (after madly running into the back of Tim and falling over) by cleverly reversing various door frames and furniture items to provide a suitable decor for the Minister's visit, as Tim figures "Well this lot should certainly impress him … (glances at blow-up dolly secretary) … especially you. I'll bet he's a randy old devil!"
The Goodies are therefore rather surprised when they find out that the Minister is a woman upon her arrival at the office and she initially rattles on breathlessly about the busy traffic, inflated cost of living and her rheumatic next-door neighbour's dead budgie Tommy Tucker, among other things. She has a "rather private and personal problem" which requires assistance, but would "prefer to discuss with a woman" if possible. Graeme rather charmingly advises her that they do indeed have a lady consultant and that he and his colleagues will retire to the other office and put her on the phone to the minister, so he and the others hastily exit through one of the doors only to find themselves all squashed together face-to-face in the broom cupboard.
A reluctant Tim is sent out to a public phone booth to ring the Minister as a lady consultant seeing as he can "do the voice" (which incidentally is the voice that he uses for Lady Constance in the radio comedy "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again") only to get a further earful from the Minister about her political problems, the price of cat food and her neighbour's bleeding expired budgie again. The Minister eventually tells Tim that she was in the Playgirl Club, an exclusive sexy club for women, the other night, despite having told him in the previous sentence that it was a "dreadful place" and that she "wouldn't be seen dead in there"! She had "just dropped in for a quick noggin, but you know me … after two or three bottles, I'm anybody's!" and one thing had led to another between herself and a heavenly waiter and someone took photos of them together.
Mindful of the likely scandal which would occur if the photos ever became public, she wants the Goodies to retrieve the photos by using an undercover lady secretary to sneak into the Playgirl Club. While Tim is coming back from the phone booth, the Minister continues to gossip away to the dolly secretary, who has sprung a leak and is slowly deflating, and she informs Tim upon his return to the office that "by the way, your secretary's gone down!" before leaving for her next appointment. However Bill has a better idea of how to infiltrate the Playgirl Club - send Tim in there dressed as a woman!
Tim is initially horrified by the idea, but relents and drags up with a wig of hair in long curls, a huge hat, big frilly dress and an even bigger bum (that has to be deflated before he can ride on the trandem!) before he disappears into the club with the others waiting rather coyly outside after taking heed of the prominent 'Women Only' sign at the door. As Tim enters, he has to slap his own hand after having the fleeting thought of pinching the rear of the attractive lady in front of him, then once inside, he cautiously strolls around a large swimming pool full of bikini clad girls who are being served drinks by topless men. He then gets dragged into the steam room and sauna by a male attendant (who he slaps when the attendant starts to undress him) and has to stay fully clad in order to maintain his disguise. Tim just about expires from heat exhaustion in the steam room before he heads into the shower area where the line-up of naked girls (viewed from the back, but still wouldn't have a hope of getting by the ABC censors!) requires him to sit under the cold shower in the end cubicle for a while until he calms down!
Three weeks later, Bill and Graeme are back at the office still waiting for Tim to return, and in desperation Graeme hooks Bill up to the computer for another lemon sherbet-fuelled vision, with Bill exclaiming rather wistfully "I shall suck it and see!" when asked by Graeme if he can home in on whatever Tim is up to. After more pretty psychedelic patterns and another glimpse of Tony Blackburn, an image appears of Tim still in drag ( as a turned-off Bill comments: "Ooh, I don't fancy that one!) and clambering in among a bevy of beautiful girls before a "censored" sign covers the screen! Graeme and Bill realise that they must go inside the club to "rescue" Tim and a phone call to the Minister ascertains that men can only get inside by working as Wolves - the male equivalent of Bunnies.
There is a Wolf Mother named Miss Heffer who goes scouting for likely young men down the Kings Road every lunchtime, but she is only identifiable by her red knickers with green spots. Bill indignantly comments: "How are we gonna see that! We can't go around looking at all the girls … (cringes) I'll be embarrassed!" as an uncomfortable Graeme loosens his tie and responds "You'll be embarrassed?!" Nevertheless they employ various rather smutty but clever methods of looking up women's skirts until they eventually find Miss Heffer. She is in the guise of a policewoman because "not everyone approves of (her)", and once she discovers their intentions, she carts them off to the Playgirl Club.
In order to get a job there, Bill and Graeme have to pass muster with Miss Heffer's business partner Mitzi (Tim still dragged up!), who ridicules their scrawny builds before offering them jobs as Wolves, starting at 7 o'clock that evening. Mitzi concludes with a wink at which is reciprocated between the three Goodies and Miss Heffer until the three Goodies blow kisses at each other, much to Miss Heffer's disgust and bemusement. Bill and Graeme change into their sexy Wolves costumes and attract unwanted attention from the female patrons in the dance club section ("Hey, cutie pants!"), who are also enjoying a female comedian telling dirty jokes about men, and a very elegant male stripper strutting his stuff, among other rather hedonistic entertainment. Tim confirms to Bill that he's got the photos but hadn't wanted to leave because "I was enjoying myself, wasn't I?!"
Tim and Bill are ready to leave while pretending to dance, but an edgy Graeme has been marched off to a private room by Miss Heffer for a "nice quiet chat" and "drinkies". This threatens to escalate into fully-blown way-hey-hey; especially when she takes a key off the wall and prepares to undo the padlock-shaped sporran which dangles from Graeme's waist, with a menacing purr of "Oh sweetheart, can't you see I want you?!", which draws a horrified "Oh my God! No!" from Graeme when he realises what she is up to! Bill and Mitzi charge through the door and Mitzi claims Graeme as her own, to which Miss Heffer snarls "He doesn't want you, you're fat and old and ugly!" Mitzi's response of "Fat and old I may be, but ugly? ... ugly?! Of course I'm ugly; that's what he likes about me!" really arouses Miss Heffer's suspicions about her. When Tim finally reveals to her that he's really a man, he and the others are chased around the club by Miss Heffer and other irate women (with all three Goodies stopping to have another perv in the shower room along the way!) before they jump in the pool in a bid to escape.
Back at the office later, the Goodies are relieved that they escaped intact, while Bill enjoys the recollection that he got to hold the ladies off while the others got away - "It was beautiful (ecstatic laugh) … oh, but very tiring!!". The Minister returns to collect the photos, still jabbering on about the traffic and her neighbour's blasted budgie, and is very relieved that Tim succeeded in retrieving them: "You saucebox! Ooh dear, but I'm very grateful." Tim comments: "If you don't mind me saying so Minister, I hope you've learned your lesson.", to which Graeme firmly adds: "Yes you won't go to a place like that again, will you?" The Minister candidly replies: "I most certainly will not, but then of course I don't need to now, do I? Now that I've met you lovely boys! We do anything anytime, hey?!" and she grabs Bill by the hair. A startled Bill exclaims "What do you mean?!" and the Minister, with outstretched arms, responds "Come to Prudence!" This is enough to make the Goodies scramble out the door in a great rush, while the Minister opens the same door to reveal a scene of masses of people running away from King Kong, but she walks through it anyway and closes the door behind her.
* Graeme (about Tim's disappearance in the Playgirl Club): He's been gone a long time, hasn't he?!"
Bill: "Three weeks."
Graeme: "What do you think he's doing?"
Bill: "C'mon, what would you be doing if you were in a place like that, hey?!"
Graeme (shocked): "No he can't do that! Not when he's dragged up like Queen Victoria!"
Bill (rather flippantly): "Maybe he's told them he's really a fella!"
Graeme: "Well they'd think he's a funny looking fella dressed in a crinoline."
* Tim (as Mitzi): "But our Wolves are supposed to be strong, virile and hairy."
Bill (grumpily): "Like you!"
* Tim (as Mitzi): "If you play your cards right with me, you'll have a job."
Bill (sarcastically): "You're telling me!"
* Tim racing out of the office, down several flights of stairs and out across the road to a public phone booth to act as a lady consultant for the Minister, who is sitting in the Goodies office beside their blow-up dolly secretary which slowly deflates. Also Tim's Lady Constance voice frequently attracting the attention of a perplexed cop patrolling the beat past the phone box, with Tim accidentally giving a big "Thank you Officer" in his lady voice as he exits the booth and heads back to the office.
* Tim in the first of his many "gender bender" roles as the tarted-up Mitzi at the Playgirl Club; firstly sneaking around by the swimming pool trying to look incognito, before checking out the towel-clad ladies in the sauna and ultimately needing a long cold shower after catching sight of a row of naked sheilas in the shower area!
* Bill and Graeme trying various inventive ways of looking up girl's dresses in a bid to track down the red and green knicker-wearing Wolf Mother Miss Heifer. This includes the use of some very gymnastic bending and bobbing motions, dropping coins for the girls to pick up, (abandoned after Bill gets to see more than he bargained for from one lady!), Graeme hiding in a below-pavement coal chute until he gets a bag of coal dumped on him, and finally the old "mirror on the shoe" trick which gets them in strife with a policewoman until she reveals her red and green knickers under her disguise.
* Bill and Graeme dressed up as Wolves at the Playgirl Club, with pointy ears, furry heart chest plates, padlock-shaped sporrans, and tails at the back which the ladies find irresistible to tweak!
Mollie Sugden, Liz Frazer, Queenie Watts, Pauline Devaney, Ericka Crowne, Bert Simms, Ernest Jenkins
The Goodies Theme
Nothing Like A Woman
Sliced Butter & Extra Hard Bread
Omar Khayyam Hospital
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
This is the only regular Goodies episode that has not been screened on UKTV, but a black & white copy does still exist which has been recently been shown on pay-TV in New Zealand. Worth watching just for the rarity factor alone, as well as Tim's first drag role (also a rarity because he was still very much "one of the boys" who had only dressed up to check out the ladies!) and some rather graphic shots which would never have got by the ABC censor! The overall episode is a bit patchy in quality, with a rather lame chase scene as they try to flee the Playgirl Club, but very enjoyable overall.
Ancient technicians amazed that the phone actually works
Mollie Sugden as the Minister for Trade & Domestic Affairs
Tim's lady consultant voice attracts police attention
The Minister and the Goodies' blow-up secretary
Heading off to the Playgirl Club
Tim ventures inside the exclusive club
Tim getting steamed up in the sauna
Bill & Graeme looking for Miss Heffer without success
Bill cops more than he bargains for
Bill and Graeme as Wolves at the Playgirl Club
Miss Heffer's new partner Mitzi
Graeme shares "drinkies" with Miss Heffer
Miss Heffer getting her claws into Graeme
A tug-of-war over Graeme between Mitzi and Miss Heffer
"I'm a man too ...!"
Escape into the pool
"We do anything anytime, hey ...?!"
"Come to Prudence!"