Tim quietly reads the Radio Times (with the help of a magnifying glass to find something of interest!) while Bill also has his head buried in a newspaper. Meanwhile Graeme stares out the window, seemingly watching a heavy downpour before he flicks the shutters and magically changes the view to a sunny tropical island, although the accompanying Hawaiian guitar music soon gets on Tim's nerves.
Their peace and tranquillity is short-lived though, as Police Deputy Commissioner Butcher and his Sergeant offsider burst in and demand to speak to the boss. When Tim takes this responsibility, he is hoisted aggressively from his chair by Butcher and Graeme is slammed up against the wall and frisked by the Sergeant when he defies police orders by moving ever so slightly. Butcher wants the Goodies to help the police to change their poor public image ("We are a bit concerned at the moment that our image is a little tarnished.") while he repeatedly bops Bill over the head with his truncheon and barks "Sergeant, kill him!" when Graeme tries to move again. The police smash the office door on the way out with a gruff warning of "Watch it, that's all. Just watch it!" and Bill resents being roughed up by them, but Tim is just pleased that the Goodies have got another job, regardless of how difficult it looks to be.
A peeved Bill challenges the others to take a walk down the street without being hassled by the police, but insists on getting changed first. He emerges from the quick change cabinet as a bovver-boy (or in his own words, "an ordinary member of the public") much to Tim's horror (T: You know very well who go around with short cropped hair and big boots looking for trouble!" B (smugly): "Hmm, policemen!"), though Graeme scoffs "It's not as if it's a police state!" At that moment, the window of the office is smashed and Tim peers down to the street to see Butcher standing there with a megaphone, informing the Goodies that he's got their office surrounded. He has left his gloves behind in the office and resorts getting the local vicar to plead to the Goodies to give themselves up (or give the gloves up at least). "Tim's mother" even makes a brief appearance as a potential hostage before Tim throws the gloves out the window, causing everyone on the street to duck for cover as if he has thrown a grenade instead.
A pedal down the street sees the Goodies receive a parking ticket when lines and signs are moved deliberately by Butcher. Tim gets no help from the uncooperative Sergeant when he asks for the time - until the Sergeant marches him over to a jeweller's shop, shoves a clock in his face, then makes him buy it. Bill is forced to strip off his bovver-boy gear, then only avoids being arrested for indecent exposure by the offer of a bribe to Butcher, then finally the trandem is trapped at an intersection when all roads are sealed off. The Goodies realise that they have an impossible task to change police attitudes and still can't think of any ideas (T (in desperation): "Have you got nothing out of the computer?" G: "Yes I have. (resigned air) I've got nothing out of the computer.") when the Commissioner returns and punches a hole in their office door to let himself in. When he finds that the Goodies haven't been able to come up with any ideas (G: "This is a graph … and this … isn't."), he interrogates Tim, who can only suggest an advertising campaign, which leads into the mock ad break.
Bill retreats from the police brutality via another lemon sherbet fix (G: "He's tuned in and dropped off. He doesn't want to know. He's rejected society. He's escaped to a better world.") only for a suspicious Butcher to spot him. (Butcher: "Hang on. What's that he's sucking?!" T: "It's only lemon sherbet." Butcher: "Oh that's alright then. I thought it might be … certain substances! Carry on Sir.") However when Bill starts having visions and accompanying ecstatic reactions to them, Butcher barks, "He sees things? What things?! I want to have a look! Perhaps he's seeing obscene visions! I shall confiscate them!" After seeing the "pleasing effect" of a kaleidoscopic pattern on the screen and an image of Tony Blackburn, Bill's next vision of a "laughing policeman" has the Police Commissioner outraged at the undignified thought of the police being nice and happy to members of the general public ("What's he doing? Stop that! Sergeant, hit him!")
As the police haven't laughed for years and consider it far too undignified, the Goodies ask if they can have a go at being policemen. Despite Butcher objecting to Bill being "a squirt", he says "You have my permission to try … and if it doesn't work, I shall kick you!", so the Goodies become police officers and cruise along on the trandem, bringing a hippy aspect to the beat as they set out to be nice to people. Graeme feeds parking meters as he walks the beat, much to the annoyance of a pursuing policewoman who has to continually scrunch up her parking tickets, while Bill and Tim tow a trolley along behind, removing the parking meters altogether. The Goody cops toss flowers, paint "LOVE" on the road, unravel a pedestrian crossing for a little old lady, perform magic tricks while on traffic duty to a standing ovation from passers-by, read stories to tramps, play loud pop music and even bathe in the nude in a park pond as part of their campaign to improve the public image of the police.
Back at Police Intelligence, Butcher receives a phone call regarding the Goodies antics ("What?! Nude bathing! Nude bathing!!"), forcing the Sergeant to tell his new police recruits sitting within earshot to "Carry on reading quietly!", and the Goodies plans for a free police concert in Hyde Park upset him just as much as the newspaper headlines trumpeting "Disturbing Increase In Police Humanity". The tramps are complaining that police noise is disturbing their sleep, the hippies are protesting against the takeover of the park while the Sergeant bemoans "We even got a good review in the International Times. Oh, I feel so ashamed!" In desperation, Butcher decides to put a stop to the Goodies police careers, but wears plain clothes ("in case I want to run away!"), posing as a busty blonde woman who gestures to the Goodies that swimming isn't allowed in the pond, only for them to remove the sign and encourage her to take a dip. "She" gradually strips off behind a low wall as the Goodies sneak forward and catch her clothes, but then Butcher pops up and reveals his true identity (with blonde wig still in place) and takes the Goodies into custody, promising "Don't worry, you'll get a fair trial."
This trial takes place with Butcher as the judge, the Sergeant representing both the prosecution and defence, and a jury entirely composed of policemen with Butcher's son appointed as its foreman. The various charges are read, including impersonating a police officer (and "impersonating two other police officers") and contravening the Obscene Swimming Act, as Butcher still promises that the Goodies will get the "benefit of a fair trial before I sentence you to 5 years hard." The Goodies plead not guilty, to a roar of "Wrong!" from Butcher, who asks if the witnesses (all policemen) have been paid, and an annoyed Tim demands the right to conduct his own defence after a predictable guilty verdict is lodged.
Once Tim is equipped with a wig (thanks to a lady in the courtroom who kindly offers her own long blonde wig to him for the trial), he gives an emotional speech about policemen needing to be loved, and with Graeme on sad saxophone and Bill on backup bleating, the case is dismissed. All present in the courtroom join together for "Number 17 in the Police Songbook" and strike up a harmony of "All we are saying … is give police a chance." (Groan!)
* Bill (upset by the police hitting him): "They roughed us up!"
Tim (laughingly): "It's just force of habit … or habit of the force!"
* Deputy Commissioner Butcher (crossly, while looking at Bill's sherbet-inspired visions): "Who's that poof!"
Tim: "It's Tony Blackburn."
Graeme: "He (Bill) wants to be on Top Of The Pops"
* Butcher (angry with the fallout from the Goodies becoming policemen): "Whose idea was this?! I want a word with him. I'll severely reprimand him, I'll sack him, I'll kick him! (reality hits) It was me, wasn't it?! It was me." Sergeant: "Yes Sir." B: "Sergeant, lend me your truncheon … thank you." (repeatedly belts himself over the head with it) S (enthusiastically): Oh, may I do that for you, Sir?" B: "Yes, thank you … (after a couple of hits) … That's enough, I'm beginning to enjoy it!"
* Deputy Commissioner Butcher trapping the trandem for a parking ticket by egging the line painter on to continually extend the "no parking" line as a fleeing Graeme frantically tries to move it away to safety, with the painter even following Graeme out onto the road and then painting the line right across Graeme's back when he stumbles over the kerb and falls flat on the road.
* Butcher forcing bovver-boy Bill to strip off ("Hello, 'ello, 'ello, I see you're wearing a pair of them highly dangerous bovver boots. I'll have to confiscate them. Hand 'em over!"), with Bill's braces, shirt, pants and underpants being confiscated in turn until Butcher arrests him for indecent exposure. Bill only gets his gear back after Butcher has been bribed twice and given the clock that the Sergeant had forced Tim to buy earlier, with Tim and Graeme forced to provide a human screen for Bill as he gets dressed again on the street.
* Tim the policeman telling the time for a pedestrian via a cuckoo clock in his helmet
* Bill's nude romp in the pond with just his policemen's helmet for cover (not surprisingly, this has been cut from the ABC version!)
Paul Whitsun-Jones, Roland MacLeod, Jim Collier, Alexander Bridge, Bartlett Mullins, Katya Wyeth
What Do I Have To Do To Make You Love Me?
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
There are a number of good visual clips in the two lengthy musical sections for the streetwalk and hippy police, but the bulk of the episode is made up of rather boring 'police brutality' scenes that don't contain much amusing dialogue or visual effects. In my opinion it is one of their worst episodes and a comparison to their fine previous episode (Snooze) underlines the erratic quality of the first series as the show was initially developing.
Butcher roughing up Tim
Bill as an "ordinary member of the public"
Graeme and the trandem being trapped in a no parking zone
Trapped at an intersection
Bill forced to strip his dangerous clothes
Tim being interrogated for ideas on improving police image
Bill and his lemon sherbet - "Certain substances?!"
Bill's psychedelic visions
"Who's that poof?!" (Sorry, Tony!)
Bill's vision of the Laughing Policeman
Spreading love on the beat
Tim telling the time in a rather cuckoo way!
One step ahead at the parking meters
Reading a bedtime story to a tramp
Tim and Bill skinny dipping in a park pond
What?! Nude bathing ...??!!
Unbiased judge and jury
The Goodies' final plea