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YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAD GOODIES FAN WHEN …
(from C&G #129 August 2006)
Following last month's article on this topic the C&G pirate post office was swamped by homing kangaroos bearing messages from readers ... and a whole none of them were from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales too! Instead we received the following excellent responses from fan club members to "You Know That You're A Mad Goodies Fan When ...":
* Every night, you brush your toothy-pegs, put on your jimmy-jim-jams and go to sleepy-bobos.
* You'd vote for a Puppet Government if you had a chance.
* You never miss an opportunity to say, "There's only one way out of this crate..."
* Small, furry things always run affectionately up your neck.
* You're always yelling things (especially at the football) like, "Get up ya' Great Nancy!" or "What a load of RUB-bish!" or "Faking! Faking!" or "CHEL-SEY!!!"
* Whenever singing a song, you have an uncontrollable urge to "spell it".
* You can't hear someone drum their fingers on a table without breaking out into song.
* You'd do ANYTHING, ANYTIME.
* You want only the simple pleasures in life... and an O.B.E.
* You whistle the theme music to the "Archers" every time you see farm produce.
* You whistle the "Dam Busters" every time you see geese flying overhead.
* You own a repulsive stamp collection.
* You can see Tim Brooke-Taylor's face in your shiny shoes and you own a full set of his Jubilee Mugs.
* Marge and Tina cry for you.
* You have an unnatural relationship with your computer.
* All the rooms in your house have at least five different interiors.
* You have "Land of Hope and Glory" on your iPod or cell phone.
* Whenever you lose something, you run around real fast, singing "Come Back..."
* You hum "Land of Hope and Glory" while trying not to listen to someone's screwball rant.
* You aggressively wrestle with large stuffed animals and take small, fluffy ones out for "walkies."
* There's a space on your Life List for a brown-vested Billius Oddie and you continually stake-out Hampstead Heath.
* You claim to have an uncle King comma Arthur.
* Your knees make chattering knocks when you're under stress.
* The baked beans aisle of the grocery store makes you nervous.
* You wonder how your parents and grandparents had the time to paint everything black and white for those old family pictures.
* After being called down for rowdy behavior, you shout, "Not Holy?! Not Holy?! It's about flippin' virgins, innit?!"
* You have epiphanies after having been in the loo too long.
* You know all the words to "God Save Our August Bank Holiday Island King," and what's more, you can sing them without tripping over your tongue.
* Your idea of swearing a blue streak is "Oh, flippin'eck!"
* You have to grow a beard to avoid looking like Liza Minelli.
* You discover everyone you know always wanted to be a zookeeper.
* You develop a sudden aversion to all things round.
* You have this strange sensation that the construction equipment is following you.
And the number one reason:
* You go to the Goodies website to find something for your brother for Christmas and you end up married to the then North American contact!
* You can't eat your baked beans unless they have been poured over your head first.
* You won't allow such dangerous weapons on your dining table as ripe red tomato sauce squirters.
* Your pet fish Brian is asked to appear in a float at the Gay and Lesbian mardigras.
* Your plans for world domination are exposed when your homemade atom bomb is discovered
*. All your suits have full length zippers in them enabling you to get dressed in 20sec in the morning
* When you start preparing quadratic equations for dinner and developing an unnatural attraction for your computer
* When nothing in the world can faze you cos you have "Cod on Your Side"
* When you start petitioning the British government/Queen for an OBE and you're not even a British Citizen.
* Someone asks you if you want a cup of tea and you put one hand on your hip, one in the air and shout, “I’m a teapot”.
* You get certain megalomaniac urges when you enter the post office.
* You see images of Tony Blackburn every time you eat sherbet.
* You can’t eat a sausage with out hitting someone over t’ head with it.
* All your pets are named Kenneth
* You have an unusual aversion to all things round.
* You start organising parades for Belly Button Sunday.
* At any mention of string I start singing "String, String, String, String, Everybody loves string."
* Getting my kids to answer the question "What noise does a gibbon make?" with "Ooh Ooh Ooh!"
* My kids while in the midst of their own medley of children's songs (they were making it up as they were singing - they were 1 1/2 and 3 1/2) included "Father Christmas Do Not Touch me"
* Grow a couple of fuzzy chops sideburns for the Goodies tour and have my photo taken with Graeme (can send photo to prove it), and Graeme wanting to know if he could borrow them. Needless to say people were constantly asking me why?
Please send any further ideas to <email@example.com>