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11 I Am A Carnivore
I Am A Carnivore - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 15/07/2006


» I Am A Carnivore



(from C&G #38  January 1999)


Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.




Since exposing more than just their point of view following their unimpeachably good writeup of "She Wouldn't Understand", last month's hosts have finally cracked it for their first big parts in showbiz. Big Fat Willie has been cast as the new Randy Pandy in the '90's remake of St. Augustine's Superstar, so the search is now on for a suitably irresistable pink and wobbly elephantine lustpot as his leading lady ..... ("YAAAAAAAAHH!!" - yes indeed, Lady Constance de Coverlet has been lured out of retirement, having just been lured out of the men's loo beforehand!). Meanwhile Raving Dolly Model Sinderella is the star of the controversial new g-e-n-d-e-r education film where she generously displays the "rude bits" sans the obligatory cover of a white sheet, which finishes off Mrs Desiree Carthorse well before Bill can whisper "Knickers!" or even yell a quick "Come on, you blighter. Die!", and leaves Buttons the clown in such a shaky state that he can't even pull the trigger of the machine gun to mow her down and start the St. Valentine's Day massacre!

So we'll now cross to the Rumbling Tum Carnivorous Cuisine Restaurant where your devouring DJ's My-kill Carcasson (AKA Brett Allender) and Venisona Redgravy (AKA Alison Bean) are about to chew over their review of "I AM A CARNIVORE" by The Goodies.




On their '70's album "The Goodies Beastly Record".




Lyrics: sung by Tim and Graeme


All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small

The cuddly and the furry ones, I love to eat them all (ohh, ohh, ohh)


I am a carnivore, and I'm proud to say

I eat meat for breakfast, tea and dinner every day

I am a carnivore, I cannot deny it

Moo cows, pigs and baa lambs are my staple diet


It is not perverted, it is not a crime

I know lots of people who do it all the time (I should say so!)

I am a carnivore, and I'm glad to say

There's many other carnivores gathered here today


Fellow carnivores, we meat again. (1) It touches my heart to be in a nice joint like this. (3) It really is a lovely plaice (4) and I'm so glad we can fillet. (5) If I only re-veal it (6), I know many of us live a fowl life. (7) We get in some terrible stews (8 1/2), but there's a lot at steak (9), so let's not duck our responsibilities. (10) Let's have no more beefing (11) because the next one's for the chop (12). And now let us join together in a little song entitled Sir Loin, It's Been Good To Gnaw You! (14 - it's a record! HURRAY!)


We are carnivores, we want the world to know

Better hide your life, or "chomp chomp chomp" we go

Carnivorous together, I've been one all my life

I really must invite you to come home and eat my wife (Sounds tasty!)


We are carnivores, and we're proud to say

We eat meat for breakfast, tea and dinner every day


My-kill: Sung to the tune of "All Things Bright And Beautiful", the three Goodies take turns of professing their preference for munching away merrily on anything that moves (like a moo cow, pig or baa lamb) as distinct from things that don't move (like fruit and vegies for example). However the real purpose of singing this song seems to be a bid for setting a new world record for the greatest number of rotten "meat" puns in one verse, as evidenced by Bill's mid-song speech with Graeme feverishly tallying them up along the way:

"And now let us join together in a little song entitled Sir Loin, It's Been Good To Gnaw You!" ("14 - it's a record!" HURRAY!)

Oh deer, how udderly offal!


Venisona: Begining as a funereal sounding version of "All Things Bright and Beautiful" and ending with a rousing chrous, in a similar style to "We Are The Lads Of The MCC", "I Am A Carnivore" is guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of all vegetarians. Indeed, if there were a country called Carnivoria, where the national pastime was eating meat, this would be their national anthem and a very grand one it would be. But like many national anthems, "I Am A Carnivore" is the kind of song that makes you feel proud and patriotic by remarking on how grand it is to kill and conquer. Thus we are urged to eat meat for breakfast, lunch and tea every day, to mercilessly munch up bits of moo cow, pigs and baa lambs, to liver a fowl life and to chomp, chomp, chomp as we go. But it doesn't end there, oh no. Graeme, never one to do things by halves, invites us to come home and eat his wife. And she is no doubt lovely, we can only hope that before she has an apple stuffed in her mouth and sprigs of parsley stuck in her ears, that she thinks of cooking the furniture.




My-kill: This carnivorous craze of the Goodies is nothing new, make no bones about it. It probably started simmering when they starved for several days at Uncle Tom's farm rather than eating his awful battery produce, then bubbled away when Bill stuffed a roast chicken down his trousers so as not to go hungry while potholing, and came to the boil when he formed the Freedom Of Vegetables League and barbecued a bunny in front of an audience of aggrieved animals. Add in Tim and Graeme's desire to digest all endangered species in Dodonuts and the partaking of traditional delicacies like black pudding, hamsterburgers and terrapins in various episodes, and it's pretty obvious that these three lads just aren't the type to saddle up for hippy stuff like lentil stew and alfalfa sprouts, much preferring the thrill and bloodlust of the hunt instead.

For all this gratification of the gut though, the opportunity to unload a bunch of decaying puns was also gobbled up quicker than taxpayer-funded food in a parliamentary dining room. But lets face it, venison opportunity like this heifer going to re-veal itself in the flesh again?! So to stay a cut above the rest, they obviously decided to make some cleaver remarks and abbatoir-iffic time of it!


At this point, Venisona Redgravy has had to make a desperate dash to t' meditation room to purify her imperfect body and soul, and the air is sure to be heavy with mystic scents! The tasty entree of barbecued badger balls (my favourite!) and meaty main course of Cousteau & Chips and Kentucky Fried Bellamy obviously proved too much for her to stomach, and gobbling the golden egg-laying goose has no doubt left her feeling a little down in the mouth! (BOO HISS!) Before Venisona left, she turned down an Oscar (mainly because he hadn't been taken out of his trash can before being cooked!), but she'll probably settle for a nibble of some Kermit the frog's legs, as she is sick of eating "bloody sparrow sandwiches" for the past six months. In any event, we've saved her a doggy bag - full of Frankenfido and Cuddly Scamp Hairylegs Of Cricklewood, no less!




Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:


MUSIC: III Goody Goody Yum Yum




HUMOUR: III Goody Goody Yum Yum






IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.


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