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04 Black Pudding Bertha
Black Pudding Bertha - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 15/07/2006


» Black Pudding Bertha

(from C&G #31 June 1998)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
Mrs Oh-Deary Fartsnoise and Nicholarse Fartsounds went to the bog to let off steam after critics had got wind of their review last month of "Blowing Off" and panned it as a right stinker. However their expert anal trombone playing has seen them grabbed by the UFO's (ouch!), although it would not surprise us if they come crashing back through the roof any second now with "reject" stamped on their foreheads, especially if Nicholarse lights up one of his baked bean-boosted beauties and turns the spaceship into a new comet! Anyway, until then we'll continue with a review of "BLACK PUDDING BERTHA" by The Goodies as reviewed by your degenerate DJ's T' Delicate Lady of t' Temple (AKA Alison Bean) and E. Bahgoom Shake-yaboom (AKA Brett Allender).
On their "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" 1997 CD, on the 70's records "The Goodies Greatest", "Best Of ... The Goodies" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", as a single (with "Panic" on the flip side) and also in their "Goodies - Almost Live Concert" episode.
Lyrics: sung by Bill
(Eee by gum)
We like to rock, believe it or not
The ladies in the south can never do it right
(They can't do it, they just can't do it)
We know a lass (Eee), a really lovely Yorkshire lass (Eee)
When she tries to dance she shimmers like a plate of tripe
(And cow heels, tripe and cow heels)
Big, bold and brassy, that's the way to rock and roll (Ooh, ooh)
Black Pudding Bertha, she's the queen of northern soul, oh oh oh oh
[CHORUS - in northern accent]
By gum (By gum), 'Ere she come ('Ere she come)
Yum yum (Yum yum), Shake your bum (Shake your bum)
Black Pudding Bertha, she's the queen of northern soul
(Eee by gum)
Ooh she can shake (Eee), like an earthquake (Eee)
And everybody knows she goes like dynamite
(Black pudding, ooh black pudding)
Her greasy lips (Aah), taste a bit like fish 'n' chips (Ohh)
And every time we kiss she whets my appetite
(Black pudding, ooh black pudding)
Big, fat and juicy, what can her attraction be? (Eee, eee)
Looks just like a pudding, that's why she appeals to me, eee-eee-eee
(Black pudding, ooh black pudding)
E.Bahgoom: Set to a rocking rhythm with Lancastrian-accented chants of "Bah goom, 'ere she cooms, yoom yoom, shake ya boom!", Bill sings about his affection for his Queen of northern soul, a lovely Yorkshire lass named Black Pudding Bertha. Although "her greasy lips taste a bit like fish and chips" and she shimmers like a plate of tripe when she dances, she whets Bill's appetite because her pudding shape appeals to him immensely.
T' Delicate Lady: The Goodies like to rock (believe it or not) and the only girl they'll be seen with on the dance floor (besides Olivia Newton-John, presumably) is Black Pudding Bertha. Why is this? Well, apparently The Goodies like them big, bold, brassy, black and puddingy, which could mean that Black Pudding Bertha was a 70s version of RuPaul (I always wondered about The Goodies myself, three blokes sleeping in the same bed…). But the important thing is that when Bertha gets going, she shakes like an earthquake and goes like dynamite, so whatever was going on in that bed, was obviously enjoyable.
E.Bahgoom: Inspired by the craze of t' ancient Lancastrian martial art of Ecky Thump (belting t' tripe out of mitherin' clutterbucks with black puddings!) sweeping the country, Bill slips back into his Grand Master Ee Bah Goom role from the "Kung Fu Kapers" episode to deliver more wise (and barely decipherable) homilies in his Lancastrian accent about his bloated black pudding beauty across the border in Yorkshire. It's even rumoured that the War Of The Roses between these two counties was caused by Bertha shaking her "boom" a bit too vigorously and coming a cropper, with the resultant rumble measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale and wiping out cottage gardens on both sides of the border for miles around! Anyway the 'Kung Fu Kapers' episode, backed up by this rather catchy tune, certainly succeeded in spawning a further craze of flat cap-wearing, black pudding-waving, boom-shaking Goodies groupies who ensured that "Black Pudding Bertha" became one of The Goodies most well known and successful songs.
T' Delicate Lady: Although, it didn't have total support. Graeme remarked in the episode Hype Pressure: "Black Pudding Bertha? What? Bah goom, shake your boom! Poetry?! Eat your heart out Lord Byron! Move over Percy Bysshe! The poet laureate rules OK!" And he's right, it isn't the most profound thing in the world, but then it doesn't pretend to be. It's just a boppin' good ditty about The Goodies' hopeless case of northern exposure, that doubtless couldn't be cured, even with a bottle of patented Goodies Elixir. One can only hope that the after effects of a night with Black Pudding Bertha were not similar to those following a feast at The Mystic East chip shop, where Bill vomited after a hearty dinner of black pudding, chip butties and piece of parkin for afters.
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
SINGING: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
HUMOUR: E.Bahgoom: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; T' Delicate Lady: II Fair-y Punkmother.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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