» C&G 135
* THE GOODIES FAN CLUB CLARION AND GLOBE *
* THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK!' *
Issue No. 135 15th February 2007
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
- Brett Allender <email@example.com>
- Lisa Manekofsky
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
- Wackywales, Alison Bean, David Piper-Balston, Peter Wilson, Ceri Laing, Ian Cleveland, Andrew Pixley
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #27 – Spank That Hamster
6. GOODIESRULEOK? SEARCH ME! – more strange search strings
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Consider the facts. You see, women are silly, frivolous, empty-headed creatures, I grant you, they're useful and decorative, like a teapot. Damn it all, you wouldn't expect a teapot to make up its own mind who it goes out with, would you?!"
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Who was Barbara (the target of his comment) planning to go out with?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Chubby Chumps"
(d) What was the "wrong bait" that Graeme uses on his fishing trip?
(e) What is the revolting recipe that Bill and Graeme have to cook for Tim?
(f) What is the name of the Health & Beauty Farm that Tim gets lured away to?
(g) Which colour dress is Tim wearing when he returns from his beauty treatment?
(h) Which group of people form the judging panel at the 'Miss Housewife Of The Year' contest?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
It is with much sadness that "The Goodies Rule OK" recently learned of the sudden and untimely death of David McAnally in May 2006 from a heart attack at the age of 44.
David was one of our 23 founding members when GROK first began in November 1995 and other long-term club members will no doubt remember David's tremendous trivia quizzes which were a regular feature of the newsletters for most of the late 1990's. A Mathematical Physicist at the University Of Queensland, David also provided us with several very challenging crosswords which featured in later editions of the C&G.
David was a devoted Goodies fan, attending Kitten Kon in Melbourne in 2000 and seeing The Goodies on stage in Brisbane in March 2005. He particularly enjoyed the privilege of meeting Tim, Graeme and Bill in person after the show.
The fan club sincerely thanks David for his excellent and much-appreciated contribution over many years and we offer his family members our condolences on David's passing.
IT'S A BOY!
Congratulations to our GROK Merchandise Officer Richard Nolan and his wife Tracey on the safe arrival of their first child, James Michael, in Melbourne on January 12, 2007. James weighed in at 7lb 4oz and was 51cm long. Best wishes to Richard and family from everyone at "The Goodies Rule OK".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAEME
Graeme Garden celebrates his 64th birthday on February 18th. Graeme, our very best wishes to you for a Happy Birthday from all of our fan club members
GOODIES T-SHIRT SALE EXTENDED
Our great Goodies t-shirt sale has been extended until the end of March to enable fan club members to be all kitted out in time for the Goodies tour. Full details can be found at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/tshirts.php
Just in case you needed any further evidence that we're a very dedicated and practical bunch of Goodies fans here at GROK, the January website poll proves that the majority of Goodies fans are keen to start the new year with seeing far more of their heroes, both on the television and in person at the much-anticipated live shows in the UK. The final poll results were:
What's your Goodies-inspired New Year's Resolution?
- Get the BBC/ABC to rescreen The Goodies 97 votes 31.6%
- To see the Goodies live stage show 58 votes 18.9%
- To discover t'secret of Ecky Thump 42 votes 13.7%
- Tow the country outside the 5 mile limit 27 votes 8.8%
- Go mining for cream and scones 25 votes 8.1%
- To stop voting for Rolf Harris in the polls 19 votes 6.2%
- Try New Improved Snooze 12 votes 3.9%
- Learn how to dance the Disco Heave 12 votes 3.9%
- Bounce around the world on a spacehopper 10 votes 3.3%
- Other 5 votes 1.6%
Total 307 votes
Getting away from Christmas gifts and New Year's resolutions, this month's poll asks a question that is fun to contemplate at any stage of the year. Now the Goodies run a very prolific business doing "anything anytime" which doesn't give them too many spare moments to take Frankenfido for walkies, do the ironing before the world ends at midnight or even clean up all those dodo doos around the office. Therefore if they ever decided to hire an intern, the lucky person could find themselves saddled with some rather interesting tasks, unlike a White House intern whose main job is apparently to "sit on the presidential staff"! So if you were an intern for the Goodies, which of the following jobs would be of most interest to you? Hop along to the homepage to cast your vote.
If the Goodies were hiring an intern, which assignment would you want?
- Taking care of Tim's shiny shoes
- doing a little lighthouse keeping
- driving the mobile office at Le Mans
- disposing of a giant tin of tomato soup
- working out how to annoy fish
- take care of all the Kenneths for Graeme
- testing new New Improved Snooze
- doing the Funky Gibbon
- rid the country of the plague of Rolfs
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <email@example.com> with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month:
THE GOODIES ARE COMING FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOU ... IN BRITAIN!
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden brought their highly successful Goodies Live show to the 2006 Edinburgh Fringe festival and Paramount Brighton Comedy Festival. More fans will finally have a chance to see the show this coming March & April when "The Goodies Still Rule OK!" tour plays another 23 dates in the UK.
Tim & Graeme will appear live; Bill will participate via the wonders of video (due to filming commitments for his various nature shows).
The producers have kindly supplied the following list of tour dates. On sale dates, show times, and booking information will be updated as the information becomes available.
Tickets are now on sale at most venues.
SHOW DATES & CITIES
* Thurs, 15 March 2007 7:30pm - Princess Theatre (Tickets £20.50 & £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 08702 41 41 20
* Fri, 16 March 2007 7:30pm - Marlowe Theatre (Tickets £21.50 & £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01227 787787
* Sat, 17 March 2007 - Mercury Theatre (Tickets £15.50 / £18.50 / £19.50 / £20.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01206 573948
* Sun, 18 March 2007 7:30pm - Theatre Royal
Box Office Phone Number: 01753 853888
* Thu, 22 March 2007 7:30pm - Theatre Royal (Tickets: £19.50, £14.00)
* Fri, 23 March 2007 7:30pm - Theatre Royal (Tickets: £19.50, £14.00)
Box Office Phone Numbers: 01522 534570, 01522 525555, 01522 519999
* Sat, 24 March 2007 7:30pm - Swan Theatre (Tickets £15.50 & £17.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01494 512000
* Sun, 25 March 2007 7:30pm - Concert Hall (Tickets £22, £20 & £18)
Box Office Phone Number: 0115 9895555
* Mon, 26 March 2007 7:30pm - Opera House (Tickets £17.50, £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 0845 127 2190
* Fri, 30 March 2007 7:30pm - Assembly Hall Theatre (Tickets: £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01892 530613/532072
* Sat, 31 March 2007 7:45pm - Anvil Theatre (Tickets £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01256 844244
Show Listing: http://www.theanvil.org.uk/ (There isn't a direct link to the show - find it by selecting "what's on" at the top of the page, then "Full Season" from the pull down menu. On the next page click "March 2007" in the "view month" menu at the left side of the page.
* Sun, 1 April 2007 8:00pm - Palace Theatre (Tickets: £19.50, £18.50, £15.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01702-351135
* Weds, 4 April 2007 7:30pm - New Theatre (Tickets £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: (01482) 226 655
* Thurs, 5 April 2007 8:00pm - St George's Hall (Tickets £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01274 432000
* Fri, 6 April 2007 7:30pm - Alexandra Theatre (Tickets £20.50 & £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: Tickets sold via Ticketmaster - 0870 607 7533
* Sat, 7 April 2007 7:30pm - Civic Theatre (Tickets £18.50, £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: (01325) 486 555
* Sun, 8 April 2007 7:30pm- Festival Theatre (Tickets £20.50, £20.50, £20.50)
Box Office Phone Number: (0131) 529 6000
* Thurs, 12 April 2007 7:45pm - Fairfield (Tickets: £19.50, £18.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 020 8688 9291
* Fri, 13 April 2007 7:30pm - Assembly Rooms (Tickets £19.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01332 255 800
* Sat, 14 April 2007 7:30pm- Orchard Theatre (Tickets £20.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01322 220000
* Sun, 15 April 2007 7:30pm- Congress Theatre (Tickets £19.50, £17.50 (terraces))
Box Office Phone Number: 01323 412000
* Mon, 16 April 2007 7:30pm - Playhouse Theatre (Tickets £20.50 £17.50 £13.50 £7.50)
Box Office Phone Number: 01865 305305
* Weds, 18 April 2007 - Derngate Theatre
Box Office Phone Number: 01604 624811
... AND SOME GOODIES REPEATS
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 21st & 25th Jan)
Thanks to Pete Wilson for passing along this news.
It appears the UK satellite channel Paramount Comedy 2 will be showing repeats of "The Goodies" as double-bills on Friday nights starting February 9th at 9:00pm.
The channel's schedule at
* An update from Pete - he says "Regarding Paramount TV's broadcasts, my Tivo box is reporting that the first two episodes are Football Crazy and Change of Life from the final series."
... PLUS A NEW GOODIES DVD!
(David Piper-Balston – Goodies-l – 22nd Jan)
The Goodies LWT series (Region 2 DVD) is listed on Amazon to buy 26th March 2007. Good to see that Network have been able to bring this out after the difficulties with the BBC shows.
Thanks to Ceri Laing on the Roobarb forum for pointing this out.
(Ian Cleveland – Goodies-l – 4th Feb)
Just got my email from amazon, the LWT series is now available for pre-order (released on March 26th). Check out the link below and pay particular attention to the words COMPLETE SERIES on the box. Gives me goose bumps.
TOP OF THE POPS 2
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 10th Feb)
* Tues, 20 Feb - TOTP 2 on UKTV G2 at 11:00, repeated at 18:00.
Edition featuring comedy songs, including a contribution from The Goodies.
4. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio and tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-l mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
(All items in this section contributed by Lisa Manekofsky, except where otherwise credited)
* Mondays, starting 16 Jan - "Raiders of the Lost Archive" on ITV at 22:00. Bill will be featured in an upcoming episode.
* Nightly - "Bill Oddie's Animal House" on The Baby Channel (Sky channel 285) nightly at 8pm (thanks for Fiona Mikiel for this info)
* Sun, 4 Feb - "The Truth About Killer Dinosaurs" with Bill is being repeated on UKTV Documentary and UKTV Documentary Plus 1 at various times. Please consult your local listings.
* week of Mon, 5 Feb - "My Famous Family" with Bill is being repeated on UKTV History and UKTV History Plus 1 at various times. I believe the show will air daily that week.
* Weds, 7 Feb - "BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards". Bill is one of the guest presenters. BBC Radio 2 from 19:00 to 21:00.
* Various - "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" & "Birding with Bill Oddie" on UKTV Style Gardens. Check your local listings for dates & times.
* Tuesdays - "Bill Oddie Back in the USA" on BBC 2 at 20:30-21:00. Repeated Thursdays on BBC2 at 19:00
* Sat, 10 Feb - "Celebrity Mastermind" on BBC Prime at 11:00-11:30 with Bill.
* Sun, 11 Feb - "The Way We Went Wild" on BBC 4 at 20:00 to 21:00. Repeat of three-part series "looking at the careers of some of the UK's most famous and best-loved natural history television presenters", including Bill.
* Thurs, 15 Feb - "The Meaning of Life" with Bill is being repeated on BBC1 at 00:20. Part 3 airs a week later, on 15 Feb.
* Daily Mail October 4, 2006 Wednesday
HEADLINE: Goody! I'm so glad I bought five pensions.
BY: JUSTIN HARPER
GRAEME GARDEN is best known for his madcap antics as one-third of The Goodies, with Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor. He writes and performs on several Radio 4 shows, including I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and Do Go On.
Graeme, 63, and Tim Brooke-Taylor are about to start a nationwide Goodies reunion tour. JUSTIN HARPER finds out how he deals with his finances.
HOW MUCH WAS IN YOUR FIRST WAGE PACKET?
I AM a keen painter, so it was probably from a painting I sold at an art exhibition in my 20s - although I can't remember how much I got for it.
This was about the time I started writing scripts for a radio show called I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again, which I also appeared in. They paid about £30 a script.
It was 1966 or 1967. I was a medical student and the show was recorded on Sundays, so it fitted in well with my studies.
WHAT WAS YOUR BEST FINANCIAL MOVE?
TAKING out a pension at a young age. I have built up pension funds with several providers, including Norwich Union and Prudential.
I never worked for a company, so never had access to a work scheme; it was always down to me to save into personal pensions. When I founded my production company I set up a pension fund alongside it. I have four or five pensions now.
AND YOUR WORST?
GETTING divorced from my first wife Liz was financially stressful.
Everything was split in half. We could have been climbing up the property ladder, but instead had to sell the house and buy two separate ones.
HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR YOUR FIRST HOME?
IT WAS a small house in Cricklewood, North London, for £16,000. It was advertised as part of West Hampstead. It was a quaint little area which is probably quite grand now.
We lived in it for about eight years and sold it in the late Seventies for about £60,000. Now I live in Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire.
DO YOU PREFER TO PAY BY CARD OR CASH?
FOR most things under Pounds 20 I'll pay by cash. I'm quite emotionally attached to cash, so I tend to use it a lot more.
HOW MUCH CASH IS IN YOUR WALLET?
AT THE moment I have about Pounds 100 on me, which I have just taken out of the hole-in-the-wall.
I'll need this for when I'm in London for paying for taxis and various other things. I could be in London every day, once a week or once a month - it varies.
WILL YOU BE ABLE TO LIVE OFF THE ROYALTIES FROM SOME OF THE GOODIES'
SADLY not. Bill Oddie wrote those songs like Funky Gibbon, so he gets the royalties - although I doubt they're that huge. We did get performing fees when we sang the songs on Top Of The Pops.
WHAT WAS YOUR MOST INDULGENT PURCHASE?
I BOUGHT a boat once for Pounds 1,000 when I lived near a canal in Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire, but didn't use it a lot.
I didn't realise how much extra money you have to pay when you have a boat, such as mooring fees. I sold it and got back about Pounds 1,000.
WHAT'S THE BIGGEST TIP YOU'VE EVER GIVEN TO A WAITER/HAIRDRESSER/DRIVER?
I WAS performing in Cambridge one evening and had to get to a funeral in Lancashire during the day. The only way to do it was to get a cab. It was pretty expensive, so I had to leave a good tip. It was about £40 or £50.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE CHARITIES?
THERE are quite a few charities - such as Action Research - that I've supported over the years.
I have given paintings to several wildlife charities to auction, along with some Goodies stuff. Fans also send in photos of us to autograph for auctions.
We try to hang on to the best Goodies memorabilia. But none of us has got one of the three-seater bikes we used in the shows. Every now and then I see one being sold for charity or on the internet.
WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
TIM and I are starting a national tour soon with The Goodies, so we're gearing up for that. Sadly Bill can't make this as he's somewhere in the bush making a wildlife programme.
(contributed by Wackywales)
* Keep an eye out for Graeme's small cameo in an upcoming appearance of the "Agatha Christie's Maple" episode "Nemesis".
* "Doctor in the House: Series 2" is scheduled to be released on DVD on February 5th.
This collection includes the episode "Doctor on the Box" in which Graeme Garden has a very brief cameo.
* Mon, 19 Feb - "Holby City" on UKTV Gold & UKTV Gold Plus 1. Two episodes in which Graeme appeared will be repeated (according to the listings, these are Series 5 Episodes 20 & 21). The first is on UKTV Gold at 1:00, repeated an hour later on UKTV Gold Plus 1. The second is scheduled for 4:40 on UKTV Gold and at 5:40 on UKTV Gold Plus 1.
* A 1979 episode of "Hello Cheeky" (starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, John Junkin, and Denis King) was part of "Barry Cryer's Comedy Greats" this past Saturday. It can be heard via Listen Again at http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/listenagain/saturday/ through this coming Saturday. The "Hello Cheeky" episode is the final selection in the 3-hour show (starting at about the 2 hour 30 minute mark).
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
* Mondays - "Hamish and Dougal: You'll Have Had Your Tea". BBC 7 is repeating the second series at 23:00. It can be heard worldwide from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 both live and for six days after broadcast via Listen Again.
* Sundays - ABC Radio National is broadcasting "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme) on Sunday mornings at 5.30am.
* Mondays - BBC 7 airs old episodes of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme). Each episode is available via Listen Again for six days after broadcast. The show can be heard worldwide via the internet from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 on the day of broadcast as well as for six days afterwards using Listen Again.
* The nice folks at BBC Audiobooks have provided the following info about the "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" CDs which are scheduled to be released next Monday, 5 February:
Starring John Cleese, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, David Hatch, Jo Kendall and Bill Oddie, I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again is a mix of quickfire sketches, bad puns, humorous songs, and TV & cinema parodies. The series, which ran from 1964 to 1973, quickly developed a cult following and was the forerunner of The Goodies and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.
Volumes 1 - 4
8 CDs Duration: 8 hours ISBN: 9781405677035
Available for the first time on CD, fifteen episodes of the classic radio comedy sketch series. Originally released on cassette, the episodes are now presented in chronological order. They include the special 25th anniversary double episode from 1989.
2 CDs Duration: 2 hours ISBN: 9781405676854
Also available to download ISBN: 9781405679183
Due to popular demand, and after a long break, a fifth volume of episodes from the irreverent radio comedy series which ran between 1964 and 1973.
I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again will be available from all good bookshops, online at www.bbcshop.com or by BBC Audiobooks direct mail on 0800 136 919
This title is also available to purchase as a download from digital retailers such as Audible, Audioville, iTunes, Mediabay, 7 Digital, Simply Audiobooks, Spoken Network, TuneTribe, Plays on the Net and Wippit.
The titles will also be stocked by online vendors (including Amazon.co.uk and Play.com). Australian ISIRTA fans can check with their local ABC Shops to see if they'll be stocking (or can order in) this title.
Episodes to be included in the Volumes 1 - 4 ISIRTA set:
3 April 1964 - The first broadcast
9 May1966 - Julius Caesar
26 May 1968 - Operation Chocolate
9 June 1968 - Macbeth
22 February 1970 - The Canterbury Tales
1 March 1970 - The Telephone
22 March 1970 - Murder on the 3.17 to Cleethorpes
5 April 1970 - Jorrocks, the Memoirs of a Fox-Hunting Man
19 April 1970 - The Harder They Fall, The More They Hurt Themselves
3 May 1970 - Greek Tragedy
4 November 1973 - Lawrence of Arabia On Ice
11 November 1973 - Jack the Ripper
2 December 1973 - Song of the South
23 December 1973 - The Coldtitz Story
25 December 1989 - 25th Anniversary Special
Episodes to be included in the Volumes 5 ISIRTA set:
14 April 1968 - Bunny and Claude
21 April 1968 - Dentisti
5 May 1968 - Incompetence (Trouble at t'Mill).
18 November 1973 - Star Trek
* A friend tipped me off about this from the current New Statesman:
Arts Diary - Ben Dowell, 12/02/07
A corduroy revolution stirs among the veteran comedians manning Radio 4's cracking panel show I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Humphrey Lyttelton, Barry
Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor et al want to take the show on a lucrative live theatre tour around the country - but the BBC won't let them use the name. "We're thinking of possible alternatives," a panellist tells me. "I'm Sorry the BBC Hasn't a Clue is definitely one. They are being so bloody stingy about this and it may scupper the whole thing for us."
(Alison Bean – 11th Feb)
5. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #27 - SPANK THAT HAMSTER
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
Feeling decidedly jolly after finishing the previous music review of "Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) decided to sink to Santa's rather surreptitious standards and plant a piece of mistletoe above the door of the recording studio in the hope that all of his Christmases would come at once as well. However with Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) deciding to give a Christmas kiss under the mistletoe a miss (try saying that quickly when you're a bit chrissed after Pissmas dinner ... !) and Jane Fonda being otherwise engaged with Bill it looked as though he'd lucked out until big Black Pudding Bertha came sauntering through the doorway instead. The now-desperate Emperor decided to "shake his boom" and pucker up anyway, despite the risk of a fearful eckythumping if things turned pudding-shaped like Bertha herself, however one smooch of her greasy lips, which tasted a bit like fish and chips, and they were both hooked. The Emperor promptly carted Bertha off on a journey of true enlightenment to the Mystic East Fish and Chip Shop, then afterwards on to Graybungles Casino where he planned to play blackjack all evening and poker all night!! However we'll have to interrupt his fun for the moment so that our two duck-drubbing DJs can bring you the next music review of "SPANK THAT HAMSTER", by The Goodies.
"Spank That Hamster" can only be heard on the 70's album "The Goodies Beastly Record"
Lyrics: sung by Bill (with Tim as the hamster!) - very hard to decipher as Bill sings the song in a high-pitched "housewife" voice rather like his Fairy Puff demonstrator in the Westminster Machine Gun mock ad in episode 1/5 "The Greenies". An Earl and an OBE to Andrew Pixley for kindly supplying the proper lyrics sheet, as trying to transcribe the words from listening to the song is rather like trying to interpret Eddie Waring's rugby commentary!
It's Monday morning and I feel like a chewed-up sock
A houseful of animals telling me I gotta get up
Squeak, meow, bow wow wow, listen to my furry friends
Aw sweet, they help me on my feet again
I cuff the cat, spank the hamster, put my gerbil down
Drub the duck, thrash the goldfish, castigate the hound
Goad the goat, whack the walrus, box my budgie's beak
Pound the pup, mash the mouse and I'm ready for another week
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster.) (REPEAT x3)
[spanking noises and hamster squeaking in pain]
Oh I swing that kitten, throw him right through the door
He purrs and giggles 'cos he knows that's what he's for
Screech, growl, whimper and howl, the perfect way to start the day
Squawk, squeak, it really makes me feel okay
Slap the sloth, taunt the tadpole, stretch my ferret's tail
Flog the dog, tan the tortoise, tapdance on my snail
Punch the pooch, pluck the pigeon, trample on my terrapin
Stuff that gibbon, spank that hamster, then do it all over again
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster. Spank, spank, spank, spank him now)
[spanking noises and hamster squeaking again, then saying "Spank me! Spank me! Ooh! Eee! Ooh! That's better now!"]
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster.) (REPEAT x4)
(Spank, spank, spank, spank) (REPEAT x4)
Bash the pooch (Spank, spank)
Pluck the pigeon (Spank, spank)
Slap the tadpole (Spank, spank)
Spank that hamster (Spank, spank) (REPEAT x9)
Most households happily host a pet or two, whether it's a conventional cat and dog, a flotilla of fish, a lounging lizard or even a funky ferret. However the "housewife" in this song isn't content with just a couple of furry friends; she's got her own ruddy private zoo of all creatures great and small, which no doubt creates a few attendant problems. As well as the constant cacophony depriving her of a good night's sleep, the food bill would even put a dent in Bill Gates' personal fortune, not to mention the after-effects which would make the dodo come up smelling like roses by comparison. So how does she keep her collection of critters in line so that she has enough time to do all her washing with Fairy Puff, make those cheap phone calls while nobody is home, cook up Heanz Meanz Beanz for her schoolboy son and try the fingertip slimming test? By sheer malicious, spiteful, vindictive, unmitigated brutality, that's how! As soon as she drags her fat housewife's bum out of bed it's time to terrorise the little furballs who have broken her beauty sleep by beating the living tripe out of them, possibly even with a black pudding to boot. Goldfish are thrashed, pooches are punched, terrapins are trampled, the RSPCA hotline is on the nosy neighbour's speed dial ... but it all seems to be worth it just to keep the house running like clockwork. Lots of work clocking things, in fact!
This song is addictive, just as addictive as Mr. Oddie’s apparent need to kick domestic (and some non-domestic) animals around to keep them in line. This is understandable . . . if I’d spent hours in the wee morning shivering in the cold on some bleak patch trying to spot a wee titmouse only to find oneself unable to make a proper identification, I might feel inclined to kick around a few feathered and furry friends when I got home, too. The fact he’s hiding behind the persona of a frustrated housewife is irrelevant . . . housewife birders get frustrated, too! The ASPCA might be able to overlook the necessary discipline to keep such a menagerie in line but they might have some questions about just how *many* animals Mrs. Oddie is housing in one domicile. Surely there are laws governing just how many animals one can keep at a time? Might have to decide between the kitten and the walrus there, sir (but then maybe that’s why the kitten is going out the door!). Now I can see the more liberal of our readers growing pale at this discourse . . . but let’s face facts . . . abusing animals is funny (at least in the context of song or skit or parody or pantomime). Just look at the laughs garnered from cat abuse on behalf of Monty Python, or the screams of hilarity watching Fluffy the dog get his in There’s Something About Mary. Sorry PETA, but there it is. Just don’t spank the monkey . . . it might scratch you in the eyes and you’ll go blind (but everybody knows that!).
"Three strikes and you're out" may well be the rule for baseball, but it seems to be "One strike and you're out cold" if you mess with this harsh, heartless housewife. Her so-called "furry friends" seem to run smack bang into strife frequently, and cop more than their right whack, so you'd feel very a-flayed if you were her enemy! Size doesn't seem to matter either, as even the walrus comes in for a thumping, though its fate is no doubt still preferable to that of the tapdanced-on snail and mashed mouse. The song itself isn't nearly as big a hit as those dealt out this horrible housefrau though, as it's a bit slap-dash and the soft disco-style music doesn't have the clout of many of the other boppy Beastly Record songs. Mostly it relies on the "Kindness costs nothing but cruelty is more fun" approach which is a bit below the belt for animal lovers and even the lines which might raise a laugh are difficult to pick up clearly. This is because Bill's high-pitched "housewife" voice adds a more whack-y aspect to things, but also makes it very hard to understand the lyrics which detracts from the enjoyment of the song. In fact the main thing saving it from being cods-wallop in my opinion is the sadomasochistic streak of the hamster who by the end of the song is enjoying his spanking far more than he probably should be. Look out if the household pussy cat becomes similarly aroused by a bit of rough treatment though ... Mrs Slocombe will be even harder to shut up about it than the nosy neighbour!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
Upcoming Music Reviews:
April edition – "Sick Man Blues"
June edition – "The Policeman's Opera"
6. GOODIESRULEOK? SEARCH ME!
(by Brett Allender)
A few more strange search strings that have led websurfers to our site, accidentally or otherwise:
"5-30 acre farms"
(The Goodies should be able to grow lots of beans or breed up a big plague of Rolfs on that much territory. Perfect for Graeme to house Kitten Kong, Frankenfido and the Almighty Cod as well.)
"ABC TV show King scottish terrier"
(One of Graeme's new novelty breeds for Crufts this year)
"AUGUSTINE FLATULENCE HEAVEN MUSIC"
(Fans of "Blowing Off" in very high places)
(A censored section of Bill's latest wildlife documentary)
(A quick soak in Vibena blackcurrant juice and, like Janice Thromby, you soon won't have any teeth left to worry about cleaning!)
"Doctor Who and the Bores"
(The good Doctor takes on the combined menace of Max Bygraves, Des O'Connor and Vanessa Redgrave.)
"Dubliner magazine topless wives golf"
(Tim's brand new golfing series, perhaps? Can I tag along as caddy?!)
"Handyman laying concrete blocks"
(Ouch, that would be painful!)
"Lucy Pargeter what she wears"
(If Pa doesn't get Lucy what she wears, she'll probably get arrested!)
"Oh my goodies gay"
(Only if your Goodies-watching experience is limited to watching The Midnight Cowperson singing "Cactus In My Y Fronts" in the "Almost Live" episode.)
"advert i'm only here for the beer"
(Aren't we all!)
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(c) Free To Live (Women's Lib)
(d) Bill – in a carrot costume
(e) Suet dumplings
(f) The Lazy DJ Health & Beauty Farm
8 Mastermind Of The Year
7 Goodies fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION:
- #136: 15th March 2007.
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