» #34 Sep 1998
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 34 12th September 1998
THE LADS AND LASS OF THE C&G
EDITOR: Alison Bean.
CHIEF REVIEWER: Brett Allender.
CHIEF SPOTTER: David Balston.
QUIZMASTER: David McAnally.
Steve Brittain, Ian Cleeve, Wendy Hill and Tom.
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #9 - The Commonwealth Games.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW - Ironing My Goldfish.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More Goodies brain teasers.
6. THE GOODIES RULE - OK! WEBSITE OF THE MONTH - Rolf Free Zone.
7. THE END - Bringing the C&G to a close.
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. Mail firstname.lastname@example.org with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
GOODIES RE-SCREENING CAMPAIGN IN THE UK
by Steve Brittain
I've set up a forum through the BBC website entitled "Bring Back The Goodies!!" You never know, someone important might read it. It can be found at http://www.forums.beeb.com/comedy/ .
GOODIES T-SHIRT UPDATE
by Alison Bean
Recently I saw the almost completed artwork of the soon to be available Goodies t-shirt and it's looking great. More news as it comes to hand.
ONE TO WATCH AGAIN
by Alison Bean
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail email@example.com with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
TELEVISION'S GREATEST HITS - TRULY, MADLY, GOODIE
by Steve Brittain
The first appearance on the same screen of Bill, Tim and Graeme in however-many-years occurred on Monday 24th August on the BBC1 show Television's Greatest Hits. Hosted by Gaby Roslin and sub-titled Truly, Madly, Goodie, it began with clips from The End, Goodies Rule - OK?, The Movies, Royal Command, Radio Goodies and finished with the Funky Gibbon.
Interestingly, Tim was on record as saying he "wouldn't mind doing it again"; Graeme sat there with that infuriatingly superior smile on his face - you know, the one he wears on "If I Ruled The World". Bill, meanwhile ranted on about having to make "flipping wildlife programmes", "caring about sodding birds" and inferring that David Attenborough was a big Hendrix fan. Wish it could have lasted a full 30 minutes. Oh well...
TELEVISION'S GREATEST HITS - TRULY, MADLY, A TRANSCRIPT
by Ian Cleve
I have just watched The Goodies reunion on Television's Greatest Hits, anybody who thinks the Goodies are past it THINK AGAIN. The chemistry between these guys is fantastic, it transformed Bill into someone I thought had disappeared long ago. After seeing this I believe a new Goodies series could be more than just a dream.
Here is the complete and unabridged transcript, as copied down diligently by me:
GABY ROSLIN: Promoters have over the years offered millions to bring the remaining Beatles back together for one last gig and tonight on TV's Greatest Hits we go one better. What the Beatles were to the Sixties these guys were to the Seventies, not only did they have a string of chart hits they also starred in a TV show which ran for 10 years with a theme tune that haunts me to this day. Goodie, Goodie, Yum, Yum.
[This introduction was followed by clips from the show with the following comments underneath]
…it ran from 1970 to 1980
…they specialised in surreal and musical parodies
…no one was safe
…not even the Royals
[A clip from the Goodies `Top of the Pops ` appearance]
…They had five chart hits. The Funky Gibbon reached number four
GABY: Ladies and Gentlemen, TIM BROOKE TAYLOR, GRAEME GARDEN AND BILL ODDIE! Fantastic!
BILL: Thanks for remembering who we were, because we had forgotten actually. That was like dying.
BILL: Seeing the whole of your life flash before your eyes in about two minutes.
GABY: The audience absolutely loved it though didn't they?
TIM: They're very intelligent good looking people and I am the biggest crawler in the country; but they're lovely.
GABY: Where did the name "The Goodies" come from? I've never heard this, where did it come from?
BILL: [ to Tim] Go on, no, no, no its very hard interviewing all three of us, so I'll shut up. [Laughter]
TBT: In the Seventies there were all things like The Avengers and The Protectors and all sorts of different things, and we did a sort of a…[Bill interrupts; Tim turns to Bill] you said you wouldn't speak.
TBT: The first one we came up with was Super Chaps Three, which in hindsight I wished we'd had.
BILL: I think its a flippin' good title actually, because I'd come up with so many bad ones.
TIM: What were they? Name three amusing ones.
BO: I don't remember, I blanked them instantly [laughs]. I seem to remember in the middle of the night thinking Goodies, Goodies that's it, because it sounded like a pop group and it had a goodies versus baddies sort of thing and so on and so forth.
GABY: And can you believe then what happened ? These ten years you were on you became HUGE, absolutely huge, and also you became rock stars as a bit of a sideline, Graeme?
GRAEME: Yes, yes its absolutely true, we had records in the charts we appeared on Top Of The Pops.
GABY: What was it like appearing in Top of The Pops?
GRAEME: Well it was a bit embarrassing really, we thought "these three middle aged men turning up to do a number… "And we got there and found that they were all middle-aged men. All those young groups, they were ancient.
GABY: Did you enjoy doing it ?
TIM: Very much. It was a brilliant, brilliant ten or eleven years, we wouldn't mind doing it again actually.
GABY: I was going to ask you…
TIM: What slightly upsets us, and it's very kind of you to drag us out of retirement…
GABY: No, but this is the first time the three of you have been together for twenty years.
TIM: What slightly frustrates us is that anybody under twenty-four probably has no clue who we were, whereas in Australia it goes out all the time.
GABY: Really ?
TIM: And we have wonderful fans and fan clubs and they watch it and they're brilliant and they're young, sort of twenty - twenty five, it's a sort of cult there. But we are still and were very good friends and to actually work together…
GABY: I was going to say, did you get on for real?
TIM: Yes, when we can get a word in edgeways [turns to Bill], he's not normally like this, Bill, he gets excitable.
BILL: Look, I spend all my time doing these flippin' wildlife programs, I have to go around whispering, pretending that I care about these sodding birds.
[Applause. Tim covers his eyes.]
GABY: The truth is out!
BILL: Attenborough's the same, he's just the same. You get David Attenborough on here, he'll bring his electric guitar, he's a big Hendrix fan, he'll be singing and…
TBT: You're not putting yourself on the same level as…God?
GABY: Ladies and Gentlemen, THE GOODIES!
COR! IT'S TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR
by Alison Bean
The long awaited issue #14 of Cor Magazine, which is a Goodies special, featuring an exclusive interview with Tim Brooke-Taylor, will be out at the end of the month. To purchase a copy send 5 pounds to:
24 Richmond Road
Hampshire RG21 5NX
A IS FOR ADVERTISING MEN
by David Balston
Graeme Garden is currently doing voice-overs on radio computer advertisements.
In another radio advertisement a Goodie is mentioned, the advert goes something like "A Mr Wyman, Mr Oddie and a Buffalo is waiting to see you sir" the tag line being "If you don't want any unexpected BILLS turning up, use our prepay mobile phone scheme."
AMNESTY BALLS ON VIDEO IN THE USA
On September 15, Rhino video will be releasing a video called Pleasure At Her Majesty's that has some footage featuring The Goodies. Back in the 80's, there was a video release called Beyond the Fringe which had The Goodies singing The Funky Gibbon. It was called Pleasure At Her Majesty's, when it was shown on PBS stations in the U.S. in the late 70's. MGM/UA (now just MGM) released in the 80's the Secret Policeman's Other Ball. Only Tim-Brooke Taylor appeared in this one.
ONE FOOT IN THE VIDEO SHOP
by Alison Bean
The One Foot In The Grave Christmas special 1997, Endgames, which guest starred Tim Brooke-Taylor will be released on video in the UK on 5th October. It costs 12 pounds 99 pence.
TODAY'S THE DAY
by David Balston
The quiz show Today's the Day this week has been featuring Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie as the celebrity captains. In today's show a clip of 'Saturday Night Grease' was shown as well as a clip of Bill from a nature programme. A couple of Goody related questions popped up as well.
BATTLE OF THE SEXES
by Wendy Hill
On the Channel 10 show Battle of the Sexes the other day, a contestant had to say whether people were goodies or baddies. Something like: Lone Ranger - Goodie, Blofeld - Baddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor - A guess of Goodie. Obviously, some of the writers have a sense of humour.
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org and Alison Bean, email@example.com.
* Me and My Girl with Tim Brooke-Taylor is currently being re-run on Granada Plus at 8.00am weekday mornings.
* Marty with Tim Brooke-Taylor is being shown by UK Arena, weekends at 9pm and midnight in the old Goodies slot.
* The Goodies is back on Foxtel's UK TV, check the programme guide for details.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY no 9
For those of you unacquainted with Goodies-L, Brett Allender, firstname.lastname@example.org had been regularly posting to the list, summaries and reviews of each Goodies episode. And we thought they were so good that we decided to publish one each month. Here's this month's which is appropriately:
THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES
Series 2, Episode 2.
First transmitted 8th October 1971.
Bill is having a challenging game of chess with Graeme (or more precisely, Graeme's computer), while Tim demands complete silence as he watches a riveting game of cricket on TV (where a cover point fielder actually moves for the first time since 1937!). Tim then makes a speech to 'Land of Hope and Glory' which claims that the Commonwealth was founded on cricket because England was surrounded by greasy wops, frogs, krauts and dagos (not very PC talk these days!) and so they had to colonize far away places to keep alive the noble art of playing cricket to draw, rather than win.
These comments set off a spirited argument between Bill and Tim about keeping politics out of sport, but the phone rings and they are summoned to the office of the Minister of Sport, which is located inside the clockface of Big Ben. The minister informs them that following a disagreement, all other member countries have left the Commonwealth except the August Bank Holiday Islands (located via a microscope attached to a spinning globe of the world) and the Goodies are required to train the Commonwealth Games athletic team to peak fitness. The prize to the winning nation is the control of the Commonwealth and as the mission is too politically important to entrust to mere athletes, the British team consists of a group of ageing MP's who are ruled out when they fail the sex test (which has been censored by the ABC), which makes the Goodies the new team members for Britain.
After a spirited half hour training session (including Tim bouncing in all directions wrapped up in a muscle spring and Graeme's vigorous leg massage on Bill), the Goodies fly to the islands by sitting on the trandem and holding ropes dangling from a helicopter. They have their hats shot off by a welcoming 3-gun salute and a young girl tosses flowers, then pelts them with fruit as they retreat to their team headquarters - a shack with 'Whitey Go Home' daubed on it (and quite a bit more spartan than the ABHI team's multi-storey five star hotel!).
The Minister of Sport is somehow already there waiting and tells them that the stadium is on the top of a 7500 metre peak that no Englishman has ever managed to climb, which causes Tim to blubber tearfully. Due to the high altitude and possible weightlessness, they are forced to wear special boots designed by British boffins against the ABHI team which consists of one athlete and his 7 year-old son. The weight of the boots prevents them from clearing hurdles and the high jump bar amongst other things, although the boots at least stop Bill from hitting the deck in the boxing ring. Tim encounters quicksand in the long jump pit and Bill gets attacked by an alligator in the water jump of the steeplechase, as they get thrashed in every event.
The final points tally is 185 to 1/2 and the Commonwealth Charter is presented to the King of the island (to melodious strains of 'God Save Our August Bank Holiday Island King'). Back at the office, Tim is about to blow his brains out after one final patriotic speech about the end of the empire, then points the gun at a petrified Bill and Graeme instead. The minister re-appears and tells them that the former member countries have rejoined the Commonwealth under the new ABHI king, except for Britain which has been expelled because it's not good enough at sport!
* Graeme: "August Bank Holiday Island! Where's that?"
Minister of Sport: "Between Easter Island and Christmas Island!"
* Minister of Sport: "Yes, excitable chappies, aren't they? I suppose they gave you the traditional August Bank Holiday Island welcome."
Graeme: "They fired rifles at us!"
Minister of Sport: "Yes, that's it!"
* In their chess match, Bill tells Graeme that his Queen is in danger if he puts it on a certain square. Graeme (having consulted his computer for the best play) duly puts it there and Bill endangers it by smashing it to bits with a wooden mallet.
* The office of the Minister of Sport high inside the tower of Big Ben with the clock workings ticking away in the background. The secretary brings him cotton wool on the hour instead of a cuppa, as the whole office quakes with the chiming and the Goodies beat a hasty retreat from the deafening racket.
* An alligator lurching out of the water jump in the steeplechase event and chomping on Bill's leg.
Reginald Marsh, Valerie Stanton
Needed, Superman, Far Away, God Save Our August Bank Holiday Island King
Beanz Meanz Heanz - "My Favourite Dream", Square Deal Surge (Stained Shirts)
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Being a long-lost black & white episode gives it considerable novelty value, however this doesn't completely disguise a fairly thin plot with few classic quotes or visual gags. Perhaps the best aspect is the music, including the catchy 'Far Away' and the clever sendup of the national anthem at the end.
II Fair-y punkmother
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
When we left you last month, you might recall that your hosts YawnalongaMax Boregraves and Irma Teapot O.B.E. were merrily bopping along to the strains of "I'm A Teapot". Well we've since decided that they're both far too loony to disturb and therefore their recording studio has been encased in a 350 foot high block of solid concrete for the next 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes and 10.3 seconds. This will give YawnalongaMax enough time to croon out his latest album (well, a couple of songs anyway!) and will also give poor Irma plenty of reasons to keep a hand on the hip and one in the air (at least until the "turps for burps" kick in and drown her sorrows!).
And now we switch over to this month's dastardly DJ's Cap'n Fishface (AKA Brett Allender) and "Rancid Halibut" Gill Bletts (AKA Alison Bean) for a review of "IRONING MY GOLDFISH" by The Goodies.
On their '70's album "The Goodies Beastly Record".
Cap'n Fishface: To a delightful rolling honky tonk rhythm, Tim tells of his mis-plaiced attempts to get himself a pet flat fish. He's no cheap-skate, in fact "a flounder or halibut would be very pally but ..." no-one wants to sell their sole so he sadistically settles for flattening his goldfish with an iron to smooth out its surplus fat (after a less than successful attempt with a rolling pin).
Gill: In another Goodies song wrapped in newspaper and filled with fish and quips, Tim wants to purchase a big, flat fish. But after doing the rounds of the pet shops and failing to find one, he feels about as blue as the water in the sea. It is then that he suddenly seas the light, all he needs to do is take an existing fish and get rid of the surplus fat. But as aquarobics had not been invented in the 70s and Jenny Craig and Gloria Marshall were still two fat ladies, Tim had to engage in the sort of ichthyological sadism that would be of great interest to the RSPCA. First he tried a rolling pin, then got an elephant to stand on it, until finally he realised that his fish needed water (or rather the washing machine), followed by a good hard iron. Now the fish is as thin as a tobacco leaf, but as yet, iron-man Tim has not rolled his fish into a reef-er.
Cap'n Fishface: After putting up with pesky pets of the calibre of the giant kitten, Frankenfido, a Patagonian nosebulb etc (not to mention the ubiquitous gaggle of gibbons - funky, stuffed and saucy) it's little wonder that Tim wants a fine flat fishy friend instead. And what better way to eliminate fin flop, save on fish food and create more room in the tank than by ironing his goldfish while doing his Union Jack socks and jocks. He can even kipper goldfish in his waistcoat pocket and use it as a bonus snotrag if necessary, although the animal lib people may well carp and whale about this!
Gill: When fashion calls you have to answer, style is the key and when beer battered butterfish has gone the way of the bubble-skirt you've gotta get your skates on and iron that goldfish flat (and that's that). But what if you flounder and manage to send your goldfish to a not so watery grave when you stick the iron on its face? Don't worry, because with a side serve of seaweed you've got a delicious Asian style steamed fish that is guaranteed to be highly rated by the Galloping Gourmet, on a scale of one to ten. And if your goldfish survives his trip to the steam room? Then an ocean of possibilities has stretched before you and one of those possibilities is that you can write a fun but very, very gilly song about it.
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
MUSIC: Cap'n Fishface: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Gill: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
SINGING: Cap'n Fishface: IIII Officially Amazing; Gill: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
HUMOUR: Cap'n Fishface: IIII Officially Amazing; Gill: II Fair-y Punkmother.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: Cap'n Fishface: IIII Officially Amazing; Gill: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
* Next month we review Elizabeth Rules U.K. *
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally, email@example.com.
1. In The Goodies And The Beanstalk, what is the first step in cooking Shepherd's Pie?
A: Peel two shepherds.
2. What was Tim's title in "Goodies in the Nick"?
A: The Goodyfather.
3. What happened to the lighthouse in Lighthouse Keeping Loonies after Bill struck a match?
A: It became a rocket
4. What was so unusual about the Goodies' office in The Race?
A: It became a car - which later flew.
ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUESTIONS
1. What was the giant in The Goodies And The Beanstalk before he became a giant?
A: The zookeeper in charge of the Snowdon Aviary.
2, What was the name of the dog which belonged to Tim's family in Camelot?
3. What was in the visor section of Bill's space helmet in Invasion of the Moon Creatures?
A: A goldfish.
4. Graeme included three hand signals in Tim's car in The Race. One was for turning left, one was for turning right; what was the third for?
A: Turning nasty.
6. THE GOODIES RULE - OK! WEBSITE OF THE MONTH
SITE: Rolf Free Zone
MAINTAINER: Grayden Hanson
WHAT'S THERE: 4 whole soundtracks, a video clip, sound samples, pictures and a transcript of the Earthanasia episode. All are downloadable.
And as Mary Poppins sinks slowly in the west, it's goodbye from The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe team.
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1998). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com