» #42 Jun 1999
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 42 12th June 1999
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
Catherine Sumnall (Super Spotter II), Jonathan Sloman (Book Reviewer), Labhaoisa Upton, Scott Buchanan, Ashley Cottle
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3 PIRATE POST OFFICE - Your news and views
4. BOOK REVIEW - The Goodies 1974 Annual
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - .The end of an era!
6: THE END
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
The club's first virtual auction last month was enormously successful, with the CD signed by Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden being auctioned off to the highest bidder, Andrew, who bid $Aus250. This month we'll be auctioning off a limited edition full colour Goodies t-shirt also signed by Tim and Graeme. Remember folks, there are only 8 of these full colour t-shirts in existence and only this one is signed. The bidding starts at $Aus40, head to http://thegoodies.oztek.com.au/virtual.html for further details.
ADELAIDE GOODIES VIDEO NIGHT
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail email@example.com with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
TIM THE LADYKILLER
from information provided by David Balston.
Tim's latest starring role is in a stage version of "The Ladykillers", in which he plays the character of Professor Marcus. The remaining tour dates for "The Ladykillers" are as follows:
14-19th June, The Hexagon, Reading.
22nd June, Grand Theatre, Blackpool.
At this point, Tim will be leaving the play, however there are further performances at the following venues:
28th June, Connaught Theatre, Worthing.
5th July, Lyceum Theatre, Crewe.
12th July, Civic Theatre, Parlington.
19th July, Cliffs Pavilion, Southend-On-Sea.
26th July, Theatre Royal, Bath.
And what is more, David has kindly provided us with the following eye-witness review of The Ladykillers:
"If you mentioned the words 'The Ladykillers' to people, many of them will tell you that it's their favourite film of all time. For me it evokes the memories of those Ealing film seasons that used to be shown in Britain on BBC2 Mondays at 6pm. This was certainly one of the best and I can understand why it's so fondly remembered. You may wonder why no one has tried to remake it but it's probably because it is such a well remembered film that it would be oh so wrong to attempt to remake it. With this in mind it seems a very brave move to adapt it for the stage, especially as I overheard people describing the actors as 'the Peter Sellers character' or 'the Alec Guinness character'.
It was down to Tim to step into the daunting shoes of Alec Guinness by playing the character of Professor Marcus, the leader of a gang of criminal masterminds. OK, completely inept criminal minorminds to be more accurate. The action took place virtually entirely within the house of Mrs Wilberforce, played by the legendary Dulcie Gray, who seemed to me very much like the Granny in the 'Sylvester and Tweety' cartoons. Other minimalist sets represented the Police Station using just a wooden box and a backdrop represented the Railway Station. The set of the house itself was cleverly constructed so that the downstairs and the upstairs lodging rooms were all visible including a very important train line signal box outside, noticeable from the lodging room window.
The first act set the scene and introduced the characters who would take part in a robbery, notable names amongst these ruffians were Brian Murphy ('George and Mildred' amongst many other shows) and Tim Marriot (from 'The Brittas Empire'). Although the first act had plenty of amusing moments, such as the efforts of the gang to convince Mrs Wilberforce that they were a gang of amateur musicians, the limitations of the stage setting rather hampered some of the story telling such as the robbery itself but the scene was played out in probably the best way it could.
But it was really in the second act that the show really managed to reach the hilarious heights of excellence. The show turned into a farce of the highest standards with the comedy talents of Tim especially being given the chance to shine through, as one by one the self distrusting gang would deceive, double cross and attempt to wipe each other out. The construction of the set was really put to its limits with characters clambering up the windows, over the roof and falling off broken chimney pots.
To the cast's credit as far as I could see were not trying to imitate the performances of their film counterparts, Tim's character for instance was not at all Guinness influenced and was a new character all of its own, I've been trying to liken it to one of Tim's other roles but I really can't, it was unique.
I think the show is best summed up by a comment I overheard from a young Scottish lady on my way out. "That Tim Brooke-Taylor - now he was really really good." It was certainly Tim's show, but the last laugh went to a puppet parrot which stole the limelight during the curtain calls.
Best of all, the club got a mention in the Ladykillers programme."
ISIHAC - IT'S BACK!
from information provided by David Balston and Catherine Sumnall
'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' returned to Radio 4 on Monday 24th May and was then repeated the following Sunday at noon. The first show featured Fred Macauley as the special guest. The Radio times published a brief interview with Barry Cryer to mark the start of the series.
Classic highlights of the series so far include "Who wants to be in Finisterre?", a hilarious parody of "Who wants to be a millionaire?" (a tacky general knowledge quiz, hosted by Chris Tarrant, partaken in by apparent idiots and watched by seemingly millions of superior intellect, who then proceed to bawl the answers at the TV*), with Graeme's excellent Stephen Hawking impersonation.
Other highlights were One song to the tune of another (Tim: Walk on the Wild Side to A Bicycle made for Two; Graeme: Knees up Mother Brown to Sailing By; Fred Macauley: The Laughing Policeman to Hound Dog; & Barry Cryer: Sexual Healing to Swanny.), and Royal Songbook - a round surely made for Tim - which included Holding Back the Ears, You'll Never Need A Loan and The Funky Coronation Chicken. Masterful!
FOLLOW BILL THE BIRDMAN
from Catherine Sumnall
"All-Electric Theatre Productions present Bill Oddie - Follow that Bird. Famous for being 1/3 of the Goodies (he also co-wrote the scripts and all the music) he is now Britain's most famous twitcher. His new show recounts his life in pursuit of birds from childhood egg-collecting to searching for Birds of Paradise in Papua New Guinea. The show is as much about the people and places as it is about the birds and whilst bird-watchers will love it, it is an enjoyable evening out for all - whatever their interests. Tickets £11, 8.00pm 8th July. Further info/bookings: 01782 717962. New Vic Theatre, Basford, Newcaste-Under-Lyme, Staffs."
LISTEN TO RADIO GOODY, BOOM.
by Catherine Sumnall
"Not only did I take a Geography exam featuring the task, and this is entirely genuine - "You are a blade of grass named Graeme Garden, blowing in the wind. Describe in detail how you have avoided being trampled in Britain's National Parks." - but also on tuning it to Radio 5-live, I was astounded to hear the impeccable tones of Tim Brooke-Taylor, talking of the Post Office Tower, Black puddings and marauding GM kittens. I imagined you'd be interested, so here's a transcript. Regrettably I missed the first part of Tim's golf and The Lady-killers due to a frantic scramble
for a tape, but nevertheless:
Q: [something about why there isn't a Goodies convention in the UK]
TBT: Well, because the show is shown in America and Australia but its not shown in Britain, so I think you've got to be over about 24 to know what you were talking about with Ecky thump and things. [I take offence!] I can be Mr Sad person if you get me on this subject because I'm absolutely amazed the BBC haven't repeated them! There's a wonderful Internet site in Australia, they bring out an electronic magazine every month, and its really sort of 20-30 year olds writing [Humph!]. They know everything about the Goodies, but the great thing is, they picked on the really funny bits, because we were a bit like The Simpsons. It was... Kids watched it but they didn't really understand half of it [I choose not to be associated with "kid" - its hardly apt], erm, but adults, you know, did. And The Simpsons, the BBC for some bizarre reason puts it out at 6 o'clock at night when it should be 10 o'clock at night, or after the footy.
Q: So you're happy to be on the BBC this afternoon then?
TBT: More than happy. I'm on ISIHAC each week so I plug that on radio 4, but I do love radio 5. I listen to it too much at the moment. I hate the music behind the traffic by the way, absolutely hate it!
Q: But you see, its just that change thing again isn't it?
TBT: No its not! I like all the other stuff, but that one, I suddenly realise "Oh no the traffic's on, I'm hating this brrrrm brrrrm!" I'm sorry for that.
Q: So you don't think its a kind of modern, ambient daub reinterpretation?
TBT: It is that, and that's what's wrong with it.
Q: Okay. We got an anagram of your name from a website, which may well be that one in Australia, that is Rear Lobotomy Kit.
TBT: No, its not that actually, but I came across it in another sad way. I typed in my name, and it came up Rear Lobotomy Kit. It's good isn't it?
Q: You have a lot of time on your hands at the moment then Tim?
TBT: Yep! Well, once you've got a new computer and Internet, what do you do? You put in your own name, and up came 303 mentions, how about that?
Q: That's called ego-surfing
TBT: It is
Q: And you're proud of it?
TBT: I'm very proud of it!
Q: Is it true that your toilet seat is in the colours of Derby County FC?
TBT: Its got the Ram on it. Its wonderful! Its the best toilet seat in the country!
Q: Thank-you very much indeed for talking to us this afternoon Tim, I'm sorry that we don't have more time. Best of luck with The Lady-killers, and obviously do come on again to talk about the convention for The Goodies when it happens.
TBT: I'll look forward to that."
BILL'S A FHM TOP BLOKE.
by Labhaoisa Upton,
"The British edition of FHM gave Bill Oddie and John Ratzenberger (Cliff from 'Cheers') a 'Bloke Test' in their May 1999 issue. The pair had to answer 10 questions and if their answers were suitably blokey they scored a point. Here's how Bill fared:
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GO ON A JCB?
Yes, I have - more than once. I drove one in an episode of The Goodies, and I've also been at the controls when I've been opening new bird reserves and stuff. (1 point)
HAVE YOU EVER GUTTED A FISH?
I'm sure I have, but it's not the sort of thing you go, "Oh that was the day I first gutted a fish." I used to stay on various little Shetland islands and local skippers would bring us fish - I'm sure I must have gutted one. (1 point)
CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH UNDERWATER FOR A FULL MINUTE?
No. I hate water. At school, I was good at sport, but no one would believe I wasn't good at swimming. They put me on a relay race and I nearly drowned. (0 points)
HAVE YOU EVER CHUCKED PETROL ON A BARBECUE?
I'm always throwing white spirit on fires in the garden, but petrol - no way. At a street party a while ago there was a chap soaking the bonfire in petrol; I was the bloke going, "I don't think you should be doing that..." (0 points)
WOULD YOU THRUST YOUR ARM UP A COW TO DELIVER A STUCK CALF?
I don't go out seeking pregnant cows - I think I'd be terrified. But if someone said, "Hey we need a bovine midwife," and there was no one else to do it, I'd have a go. I'd need a glove, mind. (1 point)
HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED A FIGHT BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE YOU DIDN'T KNOW?
No, that's never happened. But I am stupid like that, getting involved in fight. I answer people back - the yobbo who goes: "You're that f***ing Bill Oddie!" (0 points)
COULD YOU DRINK A RAW EGG?
Yes, I have done. Years ago there was a thing about drinking one with milk - probably a hangover cure. Aversion therapy, no doubt: get drunk and you'll have to drink a raw egg. (1 point)
HAVE YOU EVER STARTED A DIY JOB, THEN HAD TO CALL IN THE PROS TO FINISH IT
No - quite the opposite. Recently I booted out a bunch of supposed "professionals" and finished the job myself. I ended up having to redo half their work because it was so awful. (0 points)
DO YOU CHEAT AT FAMILY BOARD GAMES?
No. I'm terribly honest. I'm so stupid that other people can be cheating around me and I don't notice. When we play games they're always doing it, and my wife's like, "Didn't you see that?" (0 points)
DID YOU EVER STEAL MONEY FROM YOUR MOTHER'S PURSE?
You'll wish you never asked that. My mother was in a mental home from when I was very young, so she wouldn't have noticed if I had. I don't think she even had a purse. If she had, she'd probably have worn it on her head. (0 points)
The final scores were Bill - a gentlemanly 4, John - a show-stealing 5. But while Bill may not be May's reigning bloke, the article mentioned that he is working on a new bird-watching series for next year, which isn't entirely soft."
GOODIES CLIP IN SOUNDS OF THE 70's
by Catherine Sumnall
There was a fleeting clip of The Goodies imitating singers from Elton John to Adam Ant on "Sounds of the Seventies". Obviously this would have been the perfect intro to The Funky Gibbon, but the Beeb, in their wisdom, chose to screen the Bay City Rollers. (Editor's note: The clip was taken from the 'Goodies Rule - OK' Special which contained several references to the Bay City Rollers in the script)
GOODIES AND PYTHON IN ACID RAIN FILM
by Catherine Sumnall
I'm not entirely sure why Geography has such an irrevocable connection with The Goodies, but they appear - as do Monty Python in Fish-slapping mode - on an educational video, in a sketch about acid rain (I think, my view was obscured by a poor-humoured pupil who dismissed it as "hippie crap" and incurred the wrath of both myself and similarly obsessed teacher) burning Graeme's hand away.
TRANSCRIPT OF RADIO 4 INTERVIEW IN WHICH GG EXPLAINS MORNINGTON CRESCENT
by Catherine Sumnall
Roger Bolton: In a spirit of genuine helpfulness as I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue returns this Monday. Feedback exclusively gathered together in a darkened room Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and Tony Hawks, together with a certain Humphrey Lyttleton, to go over once and for all the rules of the game Mornington Crescent. If you don't want to know them, then I'm sorry, but the BBC is a public service broadcaster, and there are some things the licence fee payer has a right to expect:
HL: Hello, this is Humphrey Lyttleton. To the uninitiated listener the rules to Mornington Crescent may not always be readily understood. Being an organic game, probably the best way to get into it is to hear an actual example, and I've chosen an extract from a match the teams played recently. This is a particularly useful study as is was played to standard rules. Listen now as Graeme Garden gives his expert analysis and explains the flow of play move by move. [GG's bits are in brackets]
TBT: Goodge Street (an unremarkable opening, typical of Tim's cautious front game)
BC: Birdcage Walk (Ah, the Helsinki reposte. Its a commonplace move and usually safe, but just listen to what Tony Hawks pulls out of the hat)
TH: Fenchurch Street (a nine and six letter gambit using only two vowels! Now. this puts me on the spot and I have to play my next move with a lot of side, to screw back off the Bakerloo line)
TBT: Elephant and Castle (Tim's smashing volley brings the score to deuce, and Barry, caught on the back foot, makes an unforced error.)
BC: Euston Road (This opens up the western approach and Tony pounces)
TH: Oxford Circus
GG: Barons Court (Piccadilly would have been the obvious move here of course, but Barons Court makes Tim suspect a short-side trap, and he opens up all the diagonals below the line.)
TBT: Patterson Road
BC: St Martin's Lane
TBT: Ohhhh (Yes... Tim realises Barry has blocked over the triangle opening the lateral shift to Tony.)
TH: Erm Hammersmith Broadway.
TBT Ohhhhhhh. (Oh dear! Tony, I don't think he's taking it seriously, has carelessly put his partner in nip. Now, I don't think he realises it, but this is a very dangerous position indeed.)
TBT: Upper St Martin's Lane (Well, he puts a brave face on it, but not even a curving loop-shift can save him now.)
BC: Mornington Crescent
Roger Bolton: Haha. So now you know.
Best of luck in deciphering it - I'm still working on it - using a superimposed Underground/AtoZ map.
3. PIRATE POST OFFICE
The deletion of the two Goodies videos from BBC catalogues led to the following letters arriving at the pirate post office by homing kangaroo:
from Scott Buchanan:
I was reading through the latest edition of The Goodies Clarion and Globe,and there was a note from someone searching for the 2 Goodies videos in the U.K. I don't know if it is of any interest to anyone, but Black Star in Northern Ireland have both videos and have free postage anywhere in the world,and from personal experience, their service is excellent.
Their details are: www.blackstar.co.uk
11 Ravenhill Road
Belfast BT6 8DN
Keep fighting the Goodies fight.
Editor's note: We will indeed Scott, and thanks for the info, which is sure to be of use to our UK and other members.
and from Ashley Cottle :
"After reading the last newsletter I e-mailed the BBC about the situation concerning the deletion of the Goodies video. They replied with the following that you may be interested in:
Thank you for your e-mail regarding the 'Goodies'. There has been no re-run of this series as it moved to ITV after the last BBC episodes were made. Very few ITV editions were filmed. We have no information to suggest that the 'Goodies' videos have been deleted, new tapes will be released or that there will be a re-run of the series in the near future.
To obtain these you can, however, contact BBC Worldwide to check on the availability of the BBC programmes on video at http://www.BBCWORLDWIDE.COM although I cannot guarantee that they will have the copies you are enquiring about.
I hope you find this information useful.
Looks like they're washing their hands of the whole thing. Since ITV is a network of individual television companies I've now got no way of pursuing the trail. We will just have to hope that episodes turn up on some cable TV station at some point. I know that episodes were shown over here in the UK on a cable station a few months back but now, nothing. I'll just have to make do with the 6 episodes that they did release.
Keep up the good work, your newsletter is appreciated."
Editor's note: So is your letter Ashley, and thanks to you and all other members who made the effort to grill the BBC about their deplorable act. Despite the stonewalling response that you got, I'm sure that the various protests will register with someone at the BBC and hopefully the videos will be available again soon.
4. GOODIES BOOK REVIEW -
THE GOODIES 1974 ANNUAL
Three of the four Goodies books published in the mid to late 1970's were reasonably well distributed and are still available from various suppliers of second-hand books. However "The Goodies 1974 Annual" is very hard to come by indeed, so we're delighted that Jonathan Sloman has contributed this sensational review of it for our enjoyment:
1 The hardback front cover. Shows a picture of the Goodies riding their trandem towards us holding a superimposed flag that reads "THE GOODIES annual 1974".
2-3 Colour and tinted photographs of the Goodies. Shows Graeme in pointed witches (dunce's?) hat, Tim(?) jumping off a crane, Bill(?) headfirst in a cement mixer and all three on Trandem. Corner says that the original price was 75p.
4 Contents: with copyright information and two blue tinted pictures of Tim and Bill dressed as sailors.
5 Title page. With large full colour picture of the Goodies.
6-9 'The Greatest Stories Ever Told': separate biographies of the Goodies titled "A Scottish Garden", "Bill the Birdman" and "And Then There Were Three" (guess which title belongs to which Goodie!). Each has a colour line
drawing of each Goodie. 10-15 'The Reunion': Comic strip, in which Bill gets his mind swapped with a mouse.
16-21 'And for my next invention...': Story in which the Goodies have to save Grimsdyke-by-Sea from a new motorway. Graeme creates new kinds of bikes for them to use, including a Uni-Trandem (with three seats and one wheel) and the Aero-Trandem (as seen in the episode "Kitten Kong"). With superb line-drawings by Graeme Garden.
22-27 'All A'bored': Comic strip, in which the Goodies have to organise a night club for Lord Bored ("Bored by name and Bored by nature") and end up being attacked by a robot called Bulboso (really the Lord's butler in disguise). This totally surreal story features lots of old puns (Bill: "This egg's a bit weird." Butler: "I'm sorry, sirrah, I only laid the
28 'From a Trandem to a unicycle': Article about (real) odd cycles from the record books. Mentions a tricycle with 11 foot high wheels, "almost as tall as two Bill Oddies". With black and white picture of Goodies on Trandem.
29-30 'All together now': Various black and white shots of the Goodies (and producer Miki Anderson) in a recording studio, with comic captions written underneath (such as "Graeme has a question for Miki: "How do I sing?"")
31 'Just Jokes': Old jokes, updated for the Goodies (Bill: Why are you writing so slowly? Tim: It's to Graeme - he's a very slow reader.)
32 'Big problems for the Goodies': Small article on the "Kitten Kong" episode with black and white pictures of Twinkle in a model street and Tim with a huge (fake) snake.
33-38 'Hiram's holiday': Comic strip in which the Goodies have to babysit a Texan boy called Hiram, and end up in Ancient Egypt thanks to a magic lamp.
39-42 'The Goodies at Le Mans': Colour and tinted pictures of the Goodies filming an episode of their new series at the famous racecourse in France. Shows Graeme inflating his trousers until they explode, the evil Baron O'Beefe and a motorised disused railway station! Best quote: "Le Mans gotta do what Le Mans gotta do."
43-49 'Sureshots Steal Show': Story in which the Goodies, upset at losing the pools every week, create their own football team, the Breezy Sureshots, with members of the local circus (the players include Jim Giraffe, The Great Alfonso and A. Rhino, with Percy Parrot lurking on the wing). They win the match, become the first non-league club ever to win the F.A. Cup, and "lived happily ever after". With full-colour line-drawings.
49-54 'Sprechen sie Serbo-Croat?': Comic strip. The Goodies create an international letter-translating service.
55 'Graeme's multi-purpose spectacles': Graeme Garden's own line-drawings of new designs for his glasses including ones with torches attached "for going out at night" and ones with curtains "for going to sleep". A caption tells us it's "End of part one"
56-58 Spoof adverts (one page each) for Milk Tray, "Heimz" burgers and Stork Butter ("How many people CAN tell Talk from Mutter?"). "And now back to the Goodies"
59-63 'The Hobbymobile': Story in which Graeme creates a Hobbymobile to keep the others amused in the hot weather. It contains a ski slope which also plays chess and teaches French simultaneously for Tim, and a one-man band for Bill. Tim hates it and hates Bill's so-called music even more. With three large line-drawings.
64 'Just a few more': More old jokes (Graeme: What would you do if you were told you were dying? Bill: Go into the living room).
65 'Bill's crossword': A crossword with Goodies and non-Goodies clues (14 down: Bill, our hero. How odd! (5) (The answer's ODDIE, of course)).
66-69 'Special effects': A fascinating article and full-colour photographs tell us how the Goodies do their TV tricks including "Ringing the bell", "The pneumatic drill", "Door in the ground" and "Trick table time".
70 'The Goodies by the Goodies': Each Goodie has drawn a line-drawing of them all. Graeme's picture is of a three-faced Goodie (with the emphasis on himself), Bill shows them doing their favourite hobbies (Tim enjoys "champers on skis", Bill plays football with five balls while "the other one" goes fishing for old boots!), while Tim's picture shows Bill as a short, hairy scruff, Graeme as a clever, self-appreciating scientist, while he depicts himself as a stick figure with a halo!
71 'Just an odd word': A "Call My Bluff"-style quiz. "Is a homburg (a) an English hamburger, (b) a kind of men's hat, or (c) a river in Wales?" (The answer's (b), if you cared).
72-77 'Safari so Goodie': Wonderfully-titled comic strip in which the Goodies go to Africa to sell hamburgers to the natives. Best line: Tim: "If I'm right this is going to be a real battle of wits." Graeme: "It's very brave of you to fight unarmed."
78-79 'The search for Mighty Mice': Board game in which you have to find "three Mighty Mice, lightly disguised as the Goodies" (in reality, the Goodies lightly disguised as giant mice from "Kitten Kong"). Typical square: "You've found a cheese-crumb clue! Go on 3."
80 Back cover. Shows the Goodies on trandem cycling away from us. Their superimposed flag now reads "GOODBYE!"
ABOUT THE BOOK
This book was released around Christmas 1974 while Series Four of 'The Goodies' was still on TV. It consists of a brand new Goodies stories, comics, features and pictures all about and by the Goodies. It is aimed primarily at children.
* 'And For My Next Invention': The Goodies are employed by the city of Grimsdyke-by-Sea to create a new kind of bike to eliminate car pollution. When they get there, Graeme gets his computer to create some new versions of their Trandem, of which the first one is a Motor-Trandem which has a huge robot sitting at the front peddling at a "spanking pace, gathering speed on every downward slope". It also, unfortunately, has no brakes! Back to the drawing-board (or rather back to Graeme's computer) to create a Uni-Trandem which only has one wheel. But it's too high to go under low bridges as the boys painfully discover. The next invention, an Aqua-Trandem, seems promising. A traditional bike, but instead of wheels it has a chain of rubber ducks attached, causing the bike to float. Again, it's a disaster as the inflatable ducks get too close to the gears causing inevitable sinking of the Goodies. Inspired by George Stephenson and his Rocket, Graeme creates a Rocket-Trandem (just what you expect: the Trandem strapped to a rocket). But it's too strong and the bike's gone even before the Goodies got on it. After hearing about "an unidentified object going into orbit around Mars", Graeme creates his last bike: the Aero-Trandem. A traditional Trandem with a balloon and propeller (Surely Graeme's already created one of these to capture Kitten Kong). The bike works and goes into mass-production, but it was only a few weeks later the first reports began coming in of a mid-air collisions, one-way air currents and "balloon congestion". So until Graeme can create floating traffic lights, it's back to the drawing-board again for the solution to our traffic problems. "Or should that be, back to the computer?". Graeme provides some very nice pen and ink sketches of the Goodies on their various Trandems.
* 'Sureshots Steal Show': The Goodies, annoyed with losing the pools every week, create their own football team, the Breezy Sureshots. To add a sense of humour into the game the team play in "blue satin romper suits, with red stars and conical hats, false beards and noses" while Bill recruits all his players from the local circus. The team line-up reads like this: "Gus Gorilla, A. Rhino, Jim Giraffe, Ollie Elephant, Percy Parrot, W. Oddie (capt.), The great Alphosonso, T. Brooke-Taylor, Rubberman, G. Garden". They make their way into the F.A. Cup, where they inevitably win with one goal scored by Percy Parrot, who was on the wing, obviously. They retire from football forever and "live happily ever after".
* 'The Hobbymobile': Graeme creates a Hobbymobile to keep the other two occupied in the sweltering heat. It can create any hobby anyone desires but Tim can't decide whether to ski, play chess or learn French. "Why not all three?" asks Graeme. So Tim ends up on a conveyor belt being pelted with wet cottonwool, told to repeat various French phrases while playing a computer at chess! He decides to let Bill have a go instead. The Hobbymobile turns Bill into a one-man band complete with piano, drum, saxophone, xylophone and earmuffs to drown out the noise! Now that Bill's monopolised the Hobbymobile, Tim and Graeme go back out into the scorching heat and leave the rest of Britain in lethargy.
* 'The Reunion': The Goodies deliver a package to Professor O'Reilly ("Oh, really?"), Professor Voltage and Professor Noon ("Hi, Voltage" "Hi, Noon"). In a mixed-up experiment, Bill gets his mind swapped with a mouse's and accuses a bartender in a nearby pub and his absent piano-player, Bertini, of being "mouse murderers", and that they killed his father! As he leaves the pub, he gets terrified by a cat as a travelling circus comes past. An elephant in the parade becomes very scared of Bill, even though he looks nothing like a mouse. The elephant then breaks open a cage containing a vicious gorilla who chases the Goodies back to the pub where Bill tries to hide under a teacup. The gorilla then, suprisingly, orders a drink. The bartender then removes the gorilla's head. It's Bertini, the piano-player, in disguise. Why? To join the circus, of course! But Bill (still with the mind of a mouse) isn't happy; that piano-player killed his dad. But he didn't really. He just took him with on his travels with the circus. Back at the lab, Bill gets his mind back and reunites the mouse with it's dad. They all go back to the pub, including the mice, to see Bertini play literally by ear.
* 'All A'bored': Lord Bored, an eccentric millionaire, refuses to give his butler a pay rise so the butler plans revenge, muttering that "Bulboso will walk tonight". Meanwhile, the Goodies turn up, asked by Lord Bored to organise an interesting nightclub in the cellar. Bill tries ventriloquism on a mini-Lord Bored doll. The real Lord, convinced the doll is human, tells off the doll for being boring rather than Bill! Meanwhile Bulboso, a huge killer robot with lasers in his fingers, emerges from the cellar to attack the lads and completely destroys the Lord Bored doll. Graeme chases him and rugby-tackles him to the ground. His head falls off and it's - gasp! - the butler. "Of course it's me," he says "Haven't you read the plot?". Graeme hasn't, so the butler explains that he was an all-round entertainer until he started having funny spells. He retired and became a butler for Lord Bored. He later discovered that Lord Bored's bored manner was a way of covering up his bad eyesight. He tried to make him realise that life wasn't boring by creating Bulboso, but he thought it was only another suit of armour. The butler then explains that he tried to get more wages out of the Lord when he heard that he was throwing money away on "a bunch of weirdoes", i.e. the Goodies. "What a pathetic explaination" says Graeme as the Lord returns. The Lord, realising what the suit is, decides it's not boring and gets in. After pressing the wrong button he flies out like a firework lands on the ground. Strangely, this brings his eyesight back to normal. The boys are paid and the butler has a new role in life as he points out new objects to the Lord, who gives him a pay raise. Happy endings all round.
* 'Hiram's Holiday': At an antiques market, the Goodies have to babysit Hiram, a small, spoilt Texan boy who hates the word 'no'. Tim rubs a lamp and ends up in the desert with Bill, Graeme and Hiram. Turns out they're in "the land of Ahtishooma, ruler of Egypt" in time to be sacrificed for the King's birthday. Ahtishooma is only a small boy and makes an order: "The three imbeciles will die at dawn". As Hiram goes with Ahtishooma, The Goodies get locked up in a dungeon and see a beautiful woman dancing outside. She helps them to escape, telling them to "mingle" at the party. Hiram is accused of helping them to ecsape and will be sacrificed. But then he says "no" to the King and must endure "The curse of the doorknob" where he will be shrunk down and hardened to make a doorknob. He won't die, but will be knocked against doors forever! The King reveals a magic antidote as Hiram starts to shrink. Graeme grabs the antidote but they all get grabbed by the guards. Tim furiously rubs the lamp and the Goodies return to the present, but without Hiram! Bill considers running away until Tim sees this oddly-shaped doorknob at the antiques stall. It's Hiram! They pour the restorer on him and he returns to normal. Well, almost. After thousands of years with spoilt boy kings Hiram has learned the error of his ways just as his Dad arrives. Bill decides that nostalgia is "not like it used to be".
* 'Sprechen Sie Serbo-Croat?': Bill comes up with the idea of becoming a translation agency called "GoodTrans". Unfortunately, the Goodies can't speak any other languages, except for saying "Do you have any other flavours of ice-cream?" in Spanish. After Graeme goes out to buy a Serbo-Croat-to-English dictionary, Bill gets a job translating an important speaker from "Pandavia" at a conference. Bill can't translate fast enough so he improvises with his stand-up routine, causing the English conference members to laugh at the confused Pandavian's speech. Later, Graeme sets up his computer so that it will translate any foreign document. But in trying to translate a German hairdryer advertising leaflet it gets the words slightly wrong ("Our electric hairdryer is of the most appalling design..."), causing the Goodies to close down GoodTrans for good.
* 'Safari So Goodie': Trying to sell hamburgers in a doctor's waiting room, Tim decides they need a new patch, and decides to take the business to Africa "where the natives love hamburgers". Sailing there on an old boat, they encounter a shark who offers to take them to Africa in exchange for a mouthful of hamburgers. When they arrive the police ask them if they've seen two criminal stowaways called Tim Tall and Larry Little who have a criminal craving for practical jokes. The Goodies decide to go after them to the city of Bimbala. They get captured by King Gobblemup and his bare-breasted wife Gentilia [Bare-breasted? In a childen's book? Shocking!]. Gentilia is too thin in Gobblemup's opinion (but no-one else's), and must fatten up. But more importantly, Mazimbi the Witch Doctor has escaped the Cave of Fear. It is because of a large ghostly figure who wants all the tribes "articles of value". In a rare fit of bravery, Tim rushes into the cave to reveal the ghost to be Tim Tall and Larry Little, standing on each other's shoulders in a ghost costume. Tim then recovers Mazambi from the cave but must die as he entered the sacred cave, he bargains his life by selling the King all his hamburgers, which he feeds to his 'thin' wife. The Goodie's hamburger stand is now in the Witch Doctor's waiting room and Tim decides they need a new patch.
* 'The Greatest Stories Ever Told': Three individual autobiographies of the Goodies (told in the third person). Each biography features one lie (Graeme, for example, claims to have won a Nobel Prize) and a reference of having worked with various members of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' in the past, a fact of which they are all clearly proud. Very funny, and a good introduction for young Goodies fans in 1974.
* 'From Trandem To Unicyle': Various facts about odd bicycles with no relevance to the Goodies. It reveals that 11 foot high tricycle wheels are "about as high as two Bill Oddies".
* 'All Together Now': Behind-the-scenes photographs of the Goodies recording their new album with their producer Miki Antony. The best picture shows Graeme 'Ug' Garden singing 'Stuffing The Gibbon'.
* 'Just Jokes': Old jokes with a Goodies twist. Bill: 'Why are you writing so slowly?' Tim: 'It's to Graeme - he's a very slow reader.'
* 'Big Problems For The Goodies': One page about the episode 'Kitten Kong' with two black-and-white photographs of Tim with a snake (not real) and of Twinkle the kitten in a cardboard street. Would have been so much nicer in colour [The Kitten Kong picture appears in colour in TV Zone's Goodies programme guide].
* 'The Goodies At Le Mans': A sneak preview of colour snaps from "The Race" with pictures of their sabotaged car, Baron O'Beefe, the Goodies' motorised railway station and Graeme's exploding trousers! Remember: "Le Mans gotta do what Le Mans gotta do".
* 'Graeme's Multi-Purpose Spectacles': A very silly page with five line-drawings by Graeme of new specs for himself. These include specs with windscreen wipers attached "for going out in the rain with" and ones with curtains "for going to sleep".
* 'End Of Part One': Three spoof adverts. The Milk Tray man ends up on the wrong boat, a herd of snails 'race' towards sizzling "Hiemz" beefburgers, and the public are asked to tell "Talk" from "Mutter" by watching famous politicians of the day.
* 'Just A Few More': More old jokes. Bill: 'What's made with eggs, butter, milk, salt, pepper and cement?' Graeme: 'I don't know. What?' Bill: 'Scrambled eggs.' Graeme: 'Scrambled eggs? But what about the cement?'
Bill: 'I just put that in to make it harder.'
* 'Bill's Crossword': A crossword with some rather cryptic clues, few of which relate to the Goodies. Also, clues 6 Across, 4 Down and 5 Down don't fit! It would have drove those children who attempted it mad!
* 'Special Effects': After the disappointing crossword comes this wonderful behind-the scenes look of how they do the special effects on the series. Full-colour pictures of the Goodies in a field in hard-hats show how tricks such as 'The Pneumatic Drill', 'Door In The Ground' and 'Trick Time Table' are done.
* 'The Goodies - By The Goodies': Each Goodie has drawn a line-drawing of them all. Graeme's picture is of a three-faced Goodie (with the emphasis on himself), Bill shows them doing their favourite hobbies (Tim enjoys "champers on skis", Bill plays football with five balls and "the other one" goes fishing), while Tim's picture shows Bill as a short, hairy scruff, Graeme as a clever, self-appreciating scientist, while he depicts himself as a stick figure with a halo!
* 'Just An Odd Word': A pointless 'Call My Bluff'-style quiz with no Goodies connection. Sample question: "Is a homburg (a) an English hamburger, (b) a kind of men's hat, or (c) a river in Wales?" Answer: (b) Incredibly dull.
* 'The Search For Mighty Mice': A board game in which you have to find "three Mighty Mice, lightly disguised as the Goodies" (in reality, the Goodies lightly disguised as mice from "Kitten Kong"). Typical square: "You've found a cheese-crumb clue! On 3."
* "Bill Oddie was born on July 7th many years ago in Rochdale, Lancashire. He was a very small baby, and still is"
* Waitress: "Are you the smoked salmon, sir?" Bill: "I'm the hungry sole with the empty place waiting for someone to fillet. Get your skates on, shrimp, I'm starving!"
* Graeme (looking at the circus parade): "I think I spotted a leopard!" Tim: "Aren't they born that way?"
* Tim: "While you were in Venice did you see the gondolas?" Bertini: "I had dinner with them twice. Lovely people!"
* Graeme (recording 'Stuff That Gibbon'): "Pass me a banana, someone!"
* "Le Mans gotta do what Le Mans gotta do".
* Tim: "If I'm right this is going to be a real battle of wits." Graeme: "It's very brave of you to fight unarmed."
MY OPINION & RATING
'And For My Next Invention': IIIII Superstar
'Sureshots Steal Show':IIII Officially amazing
'The Hobbymobile': III Goody Goody Yum Yum
These stories are like mini-Goodies episodes and you can almost see Tim, Bill and Graeme performing as you read along (The first story even features Tim speaking over his record of 'Land And Hope And Glory'!). A whole book of Goodies stories would have been perhaps more welcomed than one with other features as well.
Stories overall mark = IIII Officially amazing
'The Reunion': IIIII Superstar
'All A'bored': III Goody Goody Yum Yum
'Hiram's Holiday': IIII Officially amazing
'Sprechen Sie Serbo-Croat?': II Fair-y punkmother
'Safari So Goodie': IIIII Superstar
Similar to the comics that appeared in 'Cor', these stories are well-written, accurately drawn and could almost be turned into filmed episodes. The plots are suitably confusing and full of surreal twists (especially the first two strips) and totally surreal. You can even spot where the songs would go!
Comics overall mark = IIII Officially amazing
'The Greatest Stories Ever Told': IIIII Superstar
'From Trandem To Unicyle': II Fair-y punkmother
'All Together Now': III Goody Goody Yum Yum
'Just Jokes': II Fair-y punkmother
'Big Problems For The Goodies': II Fair-y punkmother
'The Goodies At Le Mans': IIII Officially amazing
'Graeme's Multi-Purpose Spectacles': II Fair-y punkmother
'End Of Part One': III Goody Goody Yum Yum
'Just A Few More': II Fair-y punkmother
'Bill's Crossword': I Tripe on t'pikelets
'Special Effects': IIII Officially amazing
'The Goodies - By The Goodies': IIIII Superstar
'Just An Odd Word': I Tripe on t'pikelets
'The Search For Mighty Mice': II Fair-y punkmother
An odd mixture of original material. Some, such as the 'Special Effects' and 'Greatest Stories Ever Told' features, are fascinating and provide an insight into the show but others, such as the crossword and 'Just An Odd Word', seem rather pointless and just reduce the enjoyment of reading the book. Others seem to be there purely to fill space ('Big Problems For The Goodies' and 'From Trandem To Unicycle', for instance). But the good ones far outweigh the bad ones and are must-reads for any Goodies fan.
Features overall mark = III Goody Goody Yum Yum
An strange mish-mash of a book, featuring good and bad stories and features mainly aimed at children. There is no linear plot running through it, as in their later books, nor is it as clever or funny as their later books, but if you switch your brain off and imagine the Goodies acting out the stories, you're in for enjoyable read.
Overall mark = IIII Officially amazing
July - Episode Summary #17 - 'Women's Lib'
August - Music Review - 'Working The Line'
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
After tormenting, teasing and tricking us with his terrific trivia tidbits virtually since the beginning of the C&G, our very own "Magnus Magnesium", David McAnally, will now be providing us with the occasional great Goodies crossword instead of monthly batches of quiz questions. On behalf of all C&G readers, I'd like to thank David for straining our collective brains with well over 100 interesting and challenging posers, and for bringing back lots of great memories of the show in the bargain; something which his crosswords will no doubt do as well.
So for the grand prize of a night out with Tony Blackburn (an incorrect answer is worth two nights out with him!), here is one final teaser from David:
Q: How does the following line to a Goodies' song in 'Invasion Of The Moon Creatures' end? "By the light, of the silvery ....."?
Also here are the solutions to last month's quiz:
1: How did the Goodies find the lost tribe of the Orinoco?
A: First they followed the notes in Professor Nuts' diary - then, later, they saw some Orinoco souvenir articles in a shop window in Seven Oaks.
2: In "The lost tribe of the Orinoco" and in "Rome Antics", Tim has to wrestle a 'dangerous' animal. What is it?
A: A sheep.
3: Neither the puppies, in "The Goodies and The Beanstalk", nor the dodo in "Dodonuts", were going "Cheap". What, therefore, were the puppies going - and what was the dodo going?
A: The puppies were going "Woof" - and the dodo was going "Squawk".
4: What was "A Kick in the Arts" all about?
A: They were the new 'events' in the Summer Olympics
6. THE END
Well that's another epic C&G sent bouncing off around the world on a spacehopper, and it also brings to an end my five month stint as Acting Editor, as Alison will resume as Editor from July onwards. My sincere thanks to the many people who sent in such excellent contributions during this time, and please keep your Goodies news and views flowing in to Alison, as the C&G would only be the size of the Music Master's 'The Best Of Rolf Harris' album without them!
Between now and the next C&G, a certain scruffy, hairy, grotty, frustrated little pop star with the somewhat unfortunate initials of BO will celebrate his 58th birthday on July 7th, possibly with a spot of birdwatching, music and soccer all at the same time! So on behalf of The Goodies Rule OK, all the best for your birthday Bill, and our "present" to you will appear in the July newsletter.
And so, in the words of Humphrey Lyttelton, "As the slavering Radio 4 scheduler of time savages the airwaves of eternity, and the popular panel game of hope is axed by the cataclysmic network controller of doom", we notice it's the end of the C&G, so why not pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off ya billabongs until July 12th!
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1999). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com