» Elizabeth Rules UK
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #8 - ELIZABETH RULES - UK
(from C&G #35 October 1998)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
Feeling rather de-pressed after ironing their goldfish flat, last month's hosts Cap'n Fishface and Rancid Halibut Gill Blets decided to relax with a spot of soothing music on their gramophone down by the pier of Dr. G. Garden's Fish Farm. However their extremely poor choice of a YawnalongaMax Boregraves album (who by the way, is hopefully still encased in concrete for another 1 year, 3 months ... a helluva long time!) drove a very annoyed almighty Kamikaze cod to crash heavily into the pier, up-ending the oil, batter and a sparking lamp and ... well, you know the fin-ish of the fish-tale. Plenty of Rancid Gill Blet Fishface Fingers for The Goodies and the Eskimos alike, and we'll even give Birds Eye a few for the halibut!
And now, we regally rock over to your disdainful DJ's Cheeky Charlie Mini Mudflaps (AKA Brett Allender) and Young Her, Annie "Naff Off" Windsor (AKA Alison Bean) for this month's review of "ELIZABETH RULES - UK" by The Goodies.
On their 70's album "Nothing To Do With Us" and as a single (with "Blowing Off" on the flip side).
Lyrics: sung by Bill
You are here, in my hand, every time I spend a penny
I can see you, I can kiss you, every time I lick a stamp
And I know, how you feel, though I've never ever met you
'Coz I see you, on a fiver, and you're smiling right at me
Ah Elizabeth, I need you, well I know what you mean, yeah
Ah Elizabeth, I want you, well can you never be free, yeah
Ah Elizabeth, I love you, oh whatcha doing to me?
'Coz the sight of your tasteful tiara is blowing my mind
You're in love, so they say, but I know how he neglects you
Swearing, drinking, playing polo, keeps his hands behind his back
Left at home, all alone, in your cold and lonely palace
Knights in garter, Christmas speeches, is that all you really want?
Ah Elizabeth, I need you, let me take you away
Ah Elizabeth, I want you, do you hear what I say?
Ah Elizabeth, I love you, oh I never would stray
'Coz the sight of your tasteful tiara is driving me wild
(We understand. Try not to cry. We have a duty to the nation and to the Commonwealth. We are spoken for. You'll find someone else. Try not to cry. We understand. We understand.)
I'm a man, you're the Queen, but you're more than just a monarch
You're a lady, you're a lover, and I know what lovers need
You need love, come to me, that's exactly what I'll give you
Bring your children, and the corgis, I will try to love them too
Ah Elizabeth, I want you, ah Elizabeth, I love you, ah Elizabeth, Elizabeth
Ah come on, come on, come on
[repeated several times with "We understand" at intervals throughout]
Cheeky Charlie: Bill soulfully serenades the new love of his life and judging by the opening lyrics ("You are here, in my hand, every time I spend a penny. I can see you, I can kiss you, every time I lick a stamp."), this Elizabeth gal is really giving him a right royal pain in the heart. She is already in love but is neglected by her swearing, drinking, polo playing hubby and left behind to write Christmas speeches in her cold and lonely palace, so Bill wants to take her away from it all. While Tim would dream of having tea and scones with her, Bill is definitely after some crumpet, but although she repeatedly tells him that she understands, her duties to the nation and the Commonwealth must come before any thrills with Bill, despite his desperate pleading. Boy, just who does she think she is, the Queen or something?!
Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: When the love of your life loves you, but is married and duty bound to stay that way, it's hard to get her out of your mind - especially when her face is on the five pound note. And back in those days, when Bill was hankering for a certain lady in a tasteful tiara, he was thankful for one thing, that she was there every time he spent a penny. And while this may or may not have given new meaning to the royal we, one thing was certain; like a corgi howling aimlessly at the moon, Bill's cries of devotion went largely ignored by Queen Elizabeth. Still, you'd think she'd have a little time for him after he helped rid the country of Rolf Harrises. Then again, she might have seen a psychic vision of Animal Hospital and known that it wouldn't last!
Cheeky Charlie: After missing out on Mildred Makepeace and only getting the lower half of a carved-up Caroline Kook, Bill obviously thinks it'll be third time lucky by aspiring to be the husband in "My husband and I ...!". Mind you, he just might have had some measure of success on the sly too, given the large numbers of short, fat, hairy, lazy corgis that suddenly popped up at the palace during the '70's! However even if Bill does manage to elbow Phil the Dill aside, he'll need to put on a royal command performance, as if "one is not amused" the next command is likely to be carried out by the Beefeaters at the Tower - "Off with his didgeridoo!"
Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: When Bill saw Lizzie and realised that she was the one, his wild-man, revolutionary streak vanished. He forgot about the previous love of his life, tatty go-go dancer Doris Newbold (whose "assets" were reportedly so small that a free magnifying glass was issued with every pint) and began to lust after a woman whose assets were somewhat larger, although they were more of the Rupert Murdoch variety than the Pamela Anderson. But it wasn't to be and the only throne Bill was likely to sit on was in the smallest room, which brings us back to the royal we (and presumably the royal flush). And for the sake of Bill's sanity we can only hope that this crush of his on the Queen was just a flash in the pan.
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: Cheeky Charlie: IIII Officially Amazing; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIII Officially Amazing.
SINGING: Cheeky Charlie: IIIII Superstar; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
HUMOUR: Cheeky Charlie: IIII Officially Amazing; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: Cheeky Charlie: IIII Officially Amazing; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.