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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #6 - I'M A TEAPOT
(from C&G #33 August 1998)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
WHO?
After last month's reviewing of the perils and pleasures of copping a cactus in the dacks, Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers was sufficiently spurred on to fulfil the prophesy of the song and run off with a porcupine (presently passionately partaking in particularly painful porcuperson production perhaps!), leaving the luckless Midnight "Horses Hoof" rather hornswaggled - not that he's complaining too much. Then again, his personal life is no concern of ours, is it?! So therefore we move on to this month's review of "I'M A TEAPOT" by the Goodies with your dreadful DJ's YawnalongaMax Boregraves (AKA Brett Allender) and Irma Teapot O.B.E. (AKA Alison Bean).
WHERE? WHEN?
On their 1997 CD "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" and on their 70's albums "The New Goodies LP" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits".
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung by Bill, with contributions from Tim
What are you, what are you, what are you you you? What are you, what are you, what are you you you?
What are you, what are you, what are you you you? What are you, what are you, what are you you you?
When life is driving you crazy [mad cackle], are you unable to cope? (Yes!)
Can you be a hero but do you always give up hope?
We know the man with the secret (What?), when life is gloomy and grim [sigh]
A bad looking trouble, never ever follow him
We're in a crisis, but he doesn't see it that way
He doesn't notice (I don't worry 'coz I'm okay!)
What are you, what are you?
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), ooh look at Tim
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), can you be like him?
It's nice to be happy, believe it or not
Work it all out, hold up a spout and be a tea … pot
What are you, what are you, what are you you you? What are you, what are you, what are you you you?
Some people tend to go gaga (Gaga!), some people tend to go ape [gibbon noises]
But he will never panic, 'coz he's really got it taped
Some people tend to go loopy [burble], some people tend to give in [slap]
But you could be a winner if you learn to be like him
Life can be cruel, but why don't you take his advice?
No one will harm you (When you're a teapot they treat you nice!)
What are you, what are you?
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), isn't it true?
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), can you be one too?
It's ever so welcome, lovely and hot
Ooh what a dream, letting off steam and be a tea … pot
Oh would you rather be in trouble (Help!) or would you rather be in fear? [panicked cry]
Or would you rather go crazy [mad cackle] or would you rather be in tears? [boo hoo] (Mummy!)
Well do you want to be happy (Yes please), well shall I show you the way? (If it's not too much trouble)
One on the hip and one in the air, we're all teapots, we don't care.
Everyone feel okay? Hey!
What are you, what are you, what are you you you?
(I'm a teapot, short and stout. Here's my handle, here's my spout. When I'm ready, hear me shout!)
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), ooh look at Tim
I'm a teapot (teapot), teapot (teapot), can you be like him?
It's nice to be happy, believe it or not
Work it all out, hold up a spout and be a tea … pot
What are you, what are you, what are you you you? What are you, what are you, what are you you you?
What are you, what are you, what are you you you? What are you?
(I'm a coffee percolator) A what?! (I've changed my mind.) You're a right … (Cut!)
YawnalongaMax: Everyone has a different method of dealing with impending disaster. This may involve trying to be a hero or otherwise going gaga, loopy, ape or just giving in altogether. However the Goodies have found just the right man with the secret method to deal with these crisis situations - Tim. When doing his "I'm A Teapot" impersonation, he is blissfully unaware of whatever horrible things are happening around him, and also he gets treated nicely while everyone else in the area is in a mad state of panic and despair.
Irma: What are you? What are you? You, you, you. What are you? What are you? You, you, you? If you said "I'm a teapot", you've got it right, according to this song. It's nice to happy believe it or not, so when you're next in a crisis all you have to do is put one hand on your hip, the other in the air and all your troubles will disappear faster than your accompanying plate of chocolate biscuits. Why is this so? Well Dr Graeme Garden has spent many years studying this strange and wonderful phenomenon. His eventual conclusion was that if a person acts like a loony, other people will avoid them. So next time you get hassled by your boss, just act like a teapot and they will eventually leave you alone, although they might fire you, but you didn't want that job anyway, right?
WHY?
YawnalongaMax: Even if your office is about to be engulfed in a 350ft high block of concrete, trombone playing aliens are about to invade Earth, Nicholas Parsons is elected as Prime Minister or some other horrible catastrophe is occurring, there's no need to panic! You don't have to be a hero; in fact you can be a winning coward just by following Tim's lead, putting one hand on the hip and one in the air and swaying along to this groovy teapot tune. It's far better than going ape or bawling for your Mummy, but be warned. If you change your mind and want to be a coffee percolator instead, you'll be considered a "right ... (cut!)" by your mates.
Irma: I was originally perplexed as to why anyone would release a song entitled "I'm A Teapot", however now that I have listened to it more than is really necessary it is my opinion that this song is a service to the community. It is yet another example of The Goodies' philanthropic nature, they were there to help - Oprah Winfreys for the 70s if you like. And what's more they were innovators. NASA invented velcro when they were developing space suits and inadvertently revolutionised the fashion industry; Tim Brooke-Taylor came up with bobbing from side to side when he was having a rough trot and inadvertently invented aerobics. Had he worn a Union Jack leotard and released some Jane Fonda style videos he could have been a millionaire in the 80s and successfully sued Ginger Spice for copyright in the 90s. Sadly it was not to be, but we do have "I'm A Teapot", a brilliantly boppy tune with a surprisingly intelligent message.
HOW?
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
MUSIC: YawnalongaMax: IIIII Superstar; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
SINGING: YawnalongaMax: IIII Officially Amazing; Irma: IIII Officially Amazing.
HUMOUR: YawnalongaMax: IIII Officially Amazing; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: YawnalongaMax: IIII Officially Amazing; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
(Note: YawnalongaMax's ratings have been revised since the original C&G version)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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