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40 Panic
Panic - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 12/08/2009


» Panic

(by Brett Allender
(from C&G #165 – August 2009)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
Following the previous music review of the "Elephant Joke Song", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) had retreated to t'meditation room (t'air heavy with mystic scents) and was quietly pondering how he'd know if he ever passed an elephant, only to realise that had already done so when he couldn't get the toilet seat down! Meanwhile Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) was entertaining herself by recreating Hannibal's feat of crossing the Alps with an elephant, but unfortunately none of the offspring survived. (bu boom!) While in an inquisitive mood, they also wondered … How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen car? The answer: None, it's full of elephants! It's also full of two somewhat squashed and rather dread-filled DJs who had foolishly hopped into the passenger seats beforehand, so it's an ideal time to cross back over to them for their music review of "PANIC" by The Goodies.
"Panic " can be heard on the 70s albums "The Goodies Greatest" and "Best Of The Goodies, as a single and on the 90s CDs "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon – The Best Of The Goodies"
Lyrics: sung by all three Goodies
[introductory music] (Hurray!) [music] (England!)
Everything is heading for a crisis
The country's going broke but don't be blue (boop boop she boop)
Remember friends, that all of us are English
And when we're down, we look around, and this is what we do
We … panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), panic all over the place
Panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), wipe that smile off your face
Nothing is getting better, doesn't it make you sick
It's like a bad dream, so have a good scream, and panic (aaagh) [music] (boo hoo)
Yesterday you had to beg and borrow
Today you only stand around and curse (groan drat darn)
But you should all look forward to tomorrow
It's not so late, just you wait, it's gonna get much worse
So … panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), panic all over the place
Panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), wipe that smile off your face
Nothing is getting better, doesn't it make you sick
Throw your hands in the air, have a good swear, and panic
All the great men of history (panic) did what they had to do (panic). What did Caesar do with Cleopatra (panic?) and Napoleon at Waterloo (panic!). Now presidents and prime ministers (panic) are rapidly learning how (panic). The leaders of today, show us the way, all together now.
Panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), panic all over the place
Panic (oooh), panic (aaagh), wipe that smile off your face
Nothing is getting better, doesn't it make you sick
Holler and shout, let it all out and panic
[Repeat chorus again]
(Peaches Stiletto):
While some songs lose their relevance over time, the Goodies had a knack of creating songs that are truly timeless. The Funky Gibbon speaks to its audience as much now as it did before. Black Pudding Bertha could just as easily shake her booty as the Queen of Northern Soul in 2009. And never has the song Panic been more important to us as it is now. Folks, take this review seriously . . . within this song lies the answer. The cure for everything that ails us is right here and waiting to be followed if we only heed its significance. Economic bleakness? Global warming? Political discourse? The end of the world as we know it? Does the answer really lie in stimulus packages? Carbon credits? Internet blogs? No! No, I say! The answer is simple . . . panic! That's right, that's all there is to it. Just panic! It's the easiest, most affordable and most practical solution to everything! Can't lose weight? Panic! House being foreclosed on? Panic! Insurance impossible to afford? Panic! And the truth is we're so good at it already!  Even without realizing that this is the be-all and end-all answer, people are already worked up into a wonderful state of panic. If only our leaders could follow suit, drop their calm exterior reserve and realize there is really just one solution. Who wouldn't love to see Barack Obama running around with his hands in the air and screaming in a complete panic after one of his teleprompters breaks down? Gordon Brown all higgledy-piggledy when he reviews the latest Labour Party polls? Kevin Rudd totally freaking out over global warming speculations? If more elected and despotic leaders around the world spent more of their time in a panicked state they might actually be able to accomplish less and stop mucking everything up. And if the populace spent more of a time in unadulterated panic we would be so pre-occupied we wouldn't have to worry over all these problems. So let's follow the Goodies lead . . . let's take a page out of history and learn to cope with things in the most base and simplistic way . . . let's learn from history . . . let's all just flat-out panic, shall we? You know you want to!
(Emperor Caligula):
Share prices and superannuation funds are tumbling ... interest rates and unemployment are spiralling upwards ... panting, wobbleboard-playing Rolfs are breeding up in plague proportions across the countryside ... Max Bygraves' new album can't even be smashed to pieces with a black pudding ... ! Aaaargh! Whatever your crisis is, it's nice to be able to take fright and become unnerved in your own special comforting way. Now Tim always preferred to go to pieces with panache, sticking a hand on the hip and a hand in the air, and shrieking "I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot!" Tim's method worked on the theory that no matter the nature of the horribly frightful thing that was causing all of the alarm and mayhem around him, it would always consider that he was far too loony to disturb and not bother him any further, and indeed this was the subject of another Goodies song altogether. However for those of us who are far too terror stricken to remember any neat little routines and recitations when confronted with the overwhelming feeling of sheer gut-wrenching fear at impending disaster, this time they're playing our song! Trombone-playing aliens about to grab you by the UFOs? Have a good scream (especially if they connect!) and panic! Simple. An angry t-rex crashing up through the floor of your disused railway station? Throw your hands in the air (if he hasn't bitten them off already!), have a good swear and panic! Any fool can do that. And I did! Nicholas Parsons rather belatedly accepting his invitation from "Cunning Stunts" to become the replacement Goody for Bill? Panic? You betcha, that'd be a genuine Code Red catastrophe! So panic, panic, panic all over the place in freestyle mode to the tune of this rather nifty little anthem for all bad situations.
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)
III 1/2 Amazingly Goody (Emperor Caligula)
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III   - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II    - Fair-y Punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' Pikelets.

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