» The Last Chance Dance
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #36
(from C&G 154 – September 2008)
THE LAST CHANCE DANCE
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
When we last left your two munching music reviewers Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay), they were in a little restaurant dragging some unfortunate waiter nearer and nearer to them and incessantly moaning about the walrus in their soup, to which the poor chappy would have replied "Tusk tusk" if we hadn't gone and used that joke last time around, so he must have blubbered something else instead. Mercifully for the waiter, he didn't have to put up with them for too much longer thanks to an Amazon piranha in the Emperor's parmigiana and a giant bagpipes spider in Peaches' apple cider, however he was then faced with the dilemma of how to split the Bill ("Do I need an axe or a chainsaw to cut through that beard?!") So while he's sorting that out, we'll sashay over to the Mixed Dancing Contest and your Disco-Heaving DJs with their music review of "THE LAST CHANCE DANCE" by The Goodies.
"The Last Chance Dance " can be heard on:
- the 70's albums "The Goodies Greatest" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits
- as a single with "Make A Daft Noise For Christmas" on the flip side
- on the CDs "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon – The Best Of The Goodies"
- in Episode 6/7 "Goodies – Almost Live"
Lyrics: sung by Bill, with help from Tim & Graeme
(And now take your partners please for the last dance)
It's the very last dance of the evening
You don't want to do it alone, oh oh oh oh
It's nearly the end, so quick, find a friend
There's still time to make her your own, oh oh oh oh
Well you came here tonight cos you were lonely (yes you did, I know)
And there's something gone out of your life
Well, you reverse and a half-turn, find what you're after
The moment of truth has arrived
It's the last dance, it's your last chance
If love wants to lead you, well let it
It's the last dance, it's your last chance
And if you've not pulled by now, forget it
First you find who's left that you fancy
Next you drag her out on the floor
Then you hold her near, so she gets an idea
Exactly what you're hoping for
Now you let your hand slip down slowly
Quick you shove your nose in her ear
Take a deep breath and scare her to death
With the words she's been waiting to hear
"I suppose a f***'s out of the question?"
[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE with a last line of:]
And if you've not pulled by now, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it.
Undoubtedly you're familiar with those romantic ballads where boy meets girl . . . their eyes meet across the dance floor, time stands still . . . slowly they come together . . . there's instant chemistry . . . but wait a minuet! What a load of schottische! This song tells it like it is . . . it takes two to tango so when that "last dance" call is heard he'd better hustle if he wants to avoid doing a solo hand jive later in the evening. Indeed, it's his last cha-cha-cha-chance to hip-hop to it. Samba the choices of remaining ladies may be better than others, and if there's enough selection the male may paso do-bleachy ones. But if the beauties give him a passa passa, he can then swing on back to waltz left . . . maybe settle for that pockmarked, humpbacked sheila named Mathilda. One stiff drink of rumba later can clog the brain, relieving the jitterbugs. He shuffles her out on the floor, his hand slips down her bachata, tapping on down to polka her quadrille and she wants some morris. She may be ugly but she knows how to swing. Their bodies twist in a slow-motion version of the Funky Gibbon; the two-step program to love. We can all see how discos . . . and as the music fades and he goes waltzing Mathilda into the sunset, we know that a collegiate shag is probably not out of the question. Austin Powers would be proud.
It's the very last dance of the evening ... and up until now you've struck out big time. Your supposedly hot date Debbie has been liberated and stalked out on you, Caroline Kook has already been divided up and married off, while Mrs Desiree Carthorse has firmly instructed you to "keep your distance" in no uncertain terms! If you hadn't hung onto that receipt for Tottie, you really might be in danger of going home empty-handed. Thankfully this is where the Last Chance Dance kicks in, as what lovely lady could possibly resist the overtures of Bill's beautifully mellow crooning of those step-by-step instructions that even a bloke like me with three left feet could follow. Drag her, hold her, slip your hand down, get slapped in the face (hey, that's not in the script!), shove your nose in her ear, breathe in deeply, inhale a clod of her ear wax (that's not in the lyrics either, nor in her ear if you're lucky, but I digress ...) stop stuffing around and pop the magic question ... now could a dating while dancing guide for dummies possibly be any simpler or melodically expressed than that? If she says "yes" then you're off for a touch of way-hey-hey and a spot of bunny fun. If she says "no" then you'd better forget it after all and do a quick-step out of there to the nearest taxi rank. And if she says "Yaaaaah! I look forward to the pleasure, but I doubt I'll get it!" then you've used up your last chance by chatting up Lady Constance and pulled yourself a whole lot more trouble than you'll ever be able to handle in the bargain!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIIII Superstar (Peaches Stiletto)
IIII Officially Amazing (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.