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* THE GOODIES FAN CLUB CLARION AND GLOBE *
**********************************************
* THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK!' *
Issue No. 92 12th August 2003
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
******************************
EDITOR
- Brett Allender .
ACE REPORTERS:
- Lisa Manekofsky
- David Piper-Balston
COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
C&G CONTRIBUTORS: Justan, Brian Labza, Mark Longmuir
CONTENTS
********
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS - Metropolitan Police vs The Goodies
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - It Might As Well Be String
6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #20
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
***************
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Wanted ... third Goodie to share. Grotty little hairy
frustrated pop stars need not apply."
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Name any two of the supposed applicants for this vacancy.
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Bunfight At The OK
Tea Rooms"
(d) What is a destitute Tim forced to mend his hanky with?
(e) Which catchy song is the backing music for their search for gold?
(f) Which three valuable commodities do they find instead?
(g) Complete this cream-related pun: "So if you don't want to be a
clot ..."
(h) Name the characters that the three Goodies become in the final
"bunfight"
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. SPOTTED!!!
*************
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the
Goodies recently, e-mail with the details.
Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
DVD NEWS
========
(by David Piper-Balston)
The Australian release of "The Goodies At Last" DVD will be the same
as the UK release however it will not be a Network Video release. The
reasons are complicated but the end result is the same materials are
being used.
As for the second DVD, sadly it looks like it won't be released in
time for Christmas due to various clearances, permissions etc. The
only confirmed episode is 'Radio Goodies'.
DVD AT MINOTAUR
===============
(by Justan)
Just a short note about the new Goodies DVD. It is available at
Minotaur bookstore in Russell St., Melbourne. RRP is $91 It is for
Region 0.
3. 2001 AND A BIT
*****************
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail
so that we can tell everyone where to spot
a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between
issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-l mailing
list (more details available on the club website),as our crack
(cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the
information becomes available.
BILL AND GRAEME SPOTTINGS
=========================
* An episode of "Bill Oddie's Best of British..." will be shown on
BBC 2 Scotland on Thursday 7th August from 20:00 to 20:30. Here's the
listing: "(In the Countryside) Bill Oddie picks out highlights from
six years of his wildlife series. He sees barn owls in Norfolk, a pine
marten with a sweet tooth, and badgers living in the Somerset
wetlands."
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 4th)
* The Goodies are not on pay-TV in Australia at the moment, but UK-TV
here are playing the various 1970's Doctor TV shows (Doctor in the
House etc), at 5.00 PM weekdays, starting 31 July 2003.
Many of the episodes are written by BO and GG as a team, with most
others written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman. It is interesting,
as GG originally studied medicine, to see how these things evolved and
the inspiration for the Hospital For Hire episode of series 4 of The
Goodies. The Goodies episode is more manic and surreal in style than
the more traditional sitcom style of the Doctor shows.
For those interested, an early episode of Doctor in the House actually
starred a young GG as a TV reporter doing an expose on medical
students at St Swithin's, however I am unsure of its air date or
title, perhaps someone else knows? It would have been made around the
same time as Beefeaters/Venom, to give you an idea of his appearance.
Another interesting facet of the Doctor programs is that about two
series later, in Doctor At Large, is the episode written by John
Cleese that formed the inspiration for Fawlty Towers and effectively
was a Fawlty Towers pilot episode (the doctors stay at a Torquay hotel
run by hen pecked hotelier, inspired by a real event experienced by
John Cleese earlier that year). Again, I can't recall the title but
expect it to also play in upcoming weeks.
(Brian Labza - Goodies-l - August 6th)
* The BBC2 comedy show Dead Ringers have added an Bill to their
repertoire of impersonated celebrities. In a parody of "Bill Oddie
Goes Wild" (Dead Ringers - 29/07/03) we saw the fake Bill looking
through discarded rubbish in British woodland. Hilarious.
The impersonator really hasn't perfected Bill's voice yet and it's not
one of their best efforts, sad to say!
In another hilarious 'Dead Ringers' Sketch airing yesterday (5/8/03)
the impersonation of Bill Oddie moaned on about the fact that the BBC
don't repeat the Goodies and revealed that he actually hates birds.
I remember the real Bill giving an interview where he did exactly the
same thing, talk about art imitating life. :-)
The impression still has a way to go but the joke was funnier than
last week :) I guess it'll be repeated next Sunday as usual.
From memory it went something like:
"Look... I really don't like birds. I'm only doing this bloody show
because the BBC refuse to show the Goodies! All I'm asking is a few
repeats on UK Gold! I can't stand bloody birds! I hate birds, I hate
badgers, I hate..." (he starts crazily attacking a nearby bush) Title
caption comes up for "Bill Oddie Goes Wild"
(from information by David Piper-Balston and Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l
- July 29th and August 4th)
TIM SPOTTINGS
=============
* Tim Brooke-Taylor's appearance in the "One Foot in the Grave"
episode entitled "Endgame" will be aired on UK Gold on Wednesday 6th
August from 22:30 to 23:55. It will also be shown on UK Gold Plus 1
from 23:30 to 00:55 that same day. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l -
August 4th)
* "Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor" is being aired on Discovery
Home & Leisure and Discovery Home & Leisure Plus 1 daily for at least
the next several weeks. As there are far too many showing to list
here please check your local listings for times and episode
information.
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 4th)
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
==========================
* Episodes of "Hello Cheeky", the 1970's radio comedy show starring
Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and John Junkin, will air on BBC7
Sunday, 20 July, at 20:00 and again on 27 July at 20:00. It can be
heard on-line at www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 Additional episodes will air on
BBC7 for the next eight weeks.
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l- July 17th and 24th)
* Here are the dates and locations for recordings of the next series
of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme).
Monday, 20th October at the Theatre Royal in Winchester. Tickets are
£12.50 and £10. (It's a small theatre so tickets will go fast.) The
box office number is: 01962 840440
Sunday, 16th November at the Devonshire Park Theatre in Eastbourne.
Tickets are £10, £8.50, £7 and £5. The box office number is: 01323
412000 (It is possible that this show is not in the theatre's ticket
system yet)
Sunday, November 30th at the Grand Theatre and Opera House in Leeds.
Tickets are £8.50, £7.50 and £6.50. The telephone number for the box
office is: 0113 222 6222.
4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS
*************************
This month's book extract is from "The Goodies File (1974) and is the
first part of the transcript from the court case of the Metropolitan
Police versus "The so-called clever-dick Goodies", brought about by
the Goodies' former "good-for-nothing old ratbag" housekeeper, Mrs
Edna Tole.
DAY ONE
-------
It was a nice sunny morning when we all assembled in Number One Court.
We watched Rod Laver beat Ken Rosewall in straight sets. Then we all
moved to Number Two Court to get on with the case of THE METROPOLITAN
POLICE V THE GOODIES. The judge was our very old friend Justice Once.
At first he seemed overcome by the seriousness of the matter before
him, and he was broody and silent. He then fell off his chair and was
discovered to be, in fact, dead. A doctor confirmed that Justice Once
had been in this condition for several months, but saw no reason why
he should not continue with his duties. There was, however, an
objection from the substitute bench, and the corpse was replaced by
the first Pygmy Judge to sit on the Queens Bench (most of them are too
little to reach). His name was Justice Ongat Wilite (laughter in
court). The judge banged his gavel but the doctor applied a soothing
ointment and he then introduced the case.
He explained that charges were to be brought against THE GOODIES by
P.C.BENT of the Metropolitan Police. The police case was to be
conducted by the firm of BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS, MARCHINUP AND
DOWNAGAIN (Solicitors). However Mr. Boots was indisposed and had
arranged that his place should be taken by Mr. Boots. Mr Boots was,
alas, rather nervous and was throwing up in the loo, and it was,
therefore, agreed that Mr. Boots should deputise, until it was
discovered that he was on holiday. The fourth Mr. Boots was
apparently a typist's error, and Marchinup and Downagain were merely a
silly joke thought up by the first Mr. Boots. The prosecution was
eventually conducted by MR. IZZY BENT Q.C. (former theatrical agent,
and no relation to P.C.BENT).
THE GOODIES asked for Legal Aid, but were told that it was all gone,
and they had to make do with Lemon Aid. They elected to conduct their
own defence, for reasons of poverty.
THE JURY were then selected, and consisted of MR. NATHANIEL BENT
(CHAIRMAN), JEREMY AND ALOYSIUS BENT, THE BENT TWINS, COLONEL ARTHUR
BENT, THE REVEREND PHYLLIS BENT AND THE FIVE "TUMBLING" BENT BROTHERS.
(All no relations).
Each member of the Jury raised his right hand, and they were all
allowed to leave the room.
MR. IZZY BENT (PROSECUTION) was then asked to name the charges brought
against the "so-called self-styled clever-dick Goodies. MR.BENT
consulted his client (MR. BENT). He then told the court that he
couldn't really think of anything off hand, but he was fairly sure
that THE GOODIES were likely to do something extremely naughty any
minute. He appealed to the Judge to bring back hanging.
The Judge declared that he would adjourn the hearing for two days to
give MR. BENT time to think up some really damning charges. He also
appealed to the Jury to help MR. BENT to think up something; and he
appealed to THE GOODIES to do something criminal, which would, he
said, make the case a lot easier.
COURT ADJOURNED.
DAY TWO
-------
Still thinking
DAY THREE
---------
This morning began with MR.BENT (PROSECUTING) bringing the following
charges against THE GOODIES:
1: That they did issue a libellous statement against one MRS. E. TOLE,
to wit; that: "This woman is a good for nothing old ratbag."
2: They did it again.
3: They might well do it yet again.
4: They are directly responsible for the rising cost of petrol.
5: They are directly responsible for the rising cost of everything
else.
6: They masterminded the Watergate cover up.
7: They persuaded the BBC to do a second series of "FROST'S WEEKLY"
(boos in court)
8: They started the French Revolution
9: They discovered America.
The Judge reminded MR. BENT that all these allegations must be proved
BEYOND ALL REASONABLE DOUBT. After consulting his client, MR. BENT
decided to withdraw the last six charges.
THE GOODIES pleaded GUILTY to the charges of libel, repeated libel and
intended repeated libel, but claimed it was FAIR COMMENT.
MR. BROOKE-TAYLOR assured the court that he would call many witnesses
to who would testify to the good name of THE GOODIES. These would
include SHEIK AHMED EL FATA, MR. EDWARD HEATH, MR. RICHARD NIXON, MR.
DAVID FROST, CARDINAL RICHELIEU and CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
At this point the Judge asked THE GOODIES if they had a criminal
record. They replied (not surprisingly) that they indeed posessed an
LP of LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND. It was played. MR. OSMOND was sentenced
to ten years hard labour (ON THE MAX BYGRAVES SHOW).
COURT ADJOURNED.
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
**************************
(by Brett Allender)
IT MIGHT AS WELL BE STRING
==========================
Series 6, Episode 5
First screened: 19th October 1976
PLOT
----
The episode starts with advertisements screened for Low Suds Mold
washing powder ("Use Low Suds Mold or we send the boys round!") and
Captain Fishface's cod pieces ("Captain Fishface has your children. If
you want them back, send 2000 wrappers!"), but Tim loudly declares
that enough is enough. The Goodies have set up their own advertising
agency (with them all being sharply dressed and known by their
initials) and TBT is annoyed that he has twerps like BO and GG making
despicable ads instead of following the advertising man's traditional
code of practice - telling lies!
BO and GG inform TBT that their advertising agency is the biggest in
the world because their expert market research has revealed that the
lowest class of consumers (the housewives - bless their little cotton
sox!) have stopped believing sales pitches and therefore have to be
bullied and tricked into buying things - a perfectly reasonable
approach! TBT begs to differ though and insists on ads with a new
miracle ingredient ... truth (gasp!)
A series of honest new advertisements are produced, but the ads are so
truthful about the horrible products (like Vibena blackcurrant juice
and Nosho dog food) that sales figures plummet to zero, much to GG and
BO's disgust. TBT re-enters the room as a dirty, scruffy, smelly slob,
having gone back to basics by snubbing all sorts of modern advertising
fads (like soap and toilet paper!), and won't let them advertise even
one basic product like bread ("too racy!") or water ("ooh no, far too
sexy!"), before he finally agrees to an ad campaign for "good old
honest string".
Ads are produced which show the great lover Casanova not responding to
a maiden's charms until she extracts a piece of string from her ample
cleavage (with them being at it like knives behind the bushes in no
time afterwards!) and Tim as a white suited, cocktail sipping smoothie
who puffs (and splutters) away on a lighted piece of string offered to
him by a bikini clad girl who frolicks on the edge of the beach.
Meanwhile Tim congratulates himself with all sorts of praise for
popularising string (at least until his inspiring speech is rudely
interrupted by 'Hello Cheeky' on tv!), but Graeme and Bill take little
notice of his bragging, mainly because they have left two lookalike
dummies behind in their place while they're up to no good!
Tim tunes into 'Tomorrow's World', in which the presenter (clad in
just a string vest and string undies) showcases string's many uses;
for example as a substitute for conventional electrical wiring ("safer
and cheaper because it doesn't work!"). This is followed by 'The
Wonderful World Of String' in which it is revealed that Britain is
already suffering a string shortage, as the local production (granny
Graeme and his knitting needles!) is in its infancy. String needs to
be imported and Arab string sheiks busily unravel thousand year old
carpets (and do hilariously stupid line dances in the process!),
before the string is piped across the desert and processed in the huge
string refineries of Southern Europe to remove the foot odour, camel
wee, belly dancer's sweat and other unpleasant stains from it!
The string shortage worsens as the Arab string sheiks (who look rather
suspiciously like GG and BO) horde the string in huge piles in the
desert and demand outrageous prices for it, though Tim's assertion
that they are evil criminals only draws a recorded "Yes Tim!", "Most
certainly!" from the dummies. Tim finally realises that he's been
duped and races to the studio, only to turn the light on and find that
the Arabs are cardboard cutouts. Once the lights are out, the cutouts
come to life again and two black clad, gibberish-spouting figures flee
from the BBC into the ATV studios with Tim in hot pursuit.
Graeme and Bill sing the catchy 'Everybody Loves String' song and Tim
tries to stop them by pushing their screens out of the way (and he
eventually sends Graeme hurtling sideways into a big tub of soft
margarine). Tim also comes across the Heanz Meanz String boy (played
by himself) and splatters a plate of baked beans into the kid's face
before going after a chuckling Bill, who enters a bedroom and sprays
Tim with a blast of Kung Poo after shave. Tim goes kung fu crazy, but
meets his match when a tall amorous lady bursts in and starts to chase
after him. He eventually puckers up for a kiss, only for her to
flatten him (with a karate kombo that Bruce Lee would have been proud
of!) and the stars that he sees give way to reveal a giant can of
Deluxe Paint
Graeme gives Tim some cheek and they both run around and around the
can before Graeme disappears through a door in the side of the can.
Tim opens the door only to be swamped by a deluge of red paint and
Bill leaps down a hillside and presents Tim with a gold chocolate box
that explodes, which leaves Tim looking like a black Einstein. Bill
(the dumpy housewife) then leads the blackened Tim to a washing
machine, where a white coated Graeme proudly shows off the cleaning
power of Bubble X. A full box of Bubble X produces an overwhelming
cascade of soap suds, which engulf the Goodies, pour out the ATV
studio windows and foam up everyone's tv set. A thumped fist on one tv
sees the screen break and a whole room fill up with soap suds before
the suds are wiped away to reveal the Goodies who watch the credits
roll on their tv (back to front for us) and comment that they don't
understand the surrealism ("s'what?" ..."s'a load of rubbish!"), until
Jim Franklin's name appears. They comment that he's probably trying to
win a prize and they turn off the tv, remarking that he won't!
CLASSIC QUOTES
--------------
* Graeme: "Now as you know, our potential market is divided into
certain social classes according to income, intelligence, that sort of
thing. These we call classes A, B, C and D. That's D for dumb, C for
clever, B for brilliant and A ... for Advertising Men!"
* Bill: "Harvest Moon, the scent that lingers. Buy some ... or I'll
break your fingers!"
* Bill (commenting on Betty Robbins in Kenny Cornflakes): "She's a
wonderful Mum."
Graeme: "And a terrific lay!"
* Tim: "Look at this. Nine out of every ten doctors agree that people
who don't eat Sunbeam sliced bread will get squashed by elephants!"
Graeme: "That's right. Mind you, it did take us a long time to find
the right nine doctors, woo hoo hoo (makes loony signal) ... and the
elephants!"
* Tim: "From today BO, GG, ... save time ... call you BOGG!"
* Bill: "All that namby pamby truth nonsense. I mean that's no good to
the housewives ..."
Graeme: "Bless 'em!"
Bill: "Bless 'em, bless 'em, silly old cows!"
* Tim (about water being far too sexy): "Yes, mention water and what's
the first thing that springs to mind, hey? A nubile young nymphette in
a wet shirt, the damp, almost transparent fabric clinging to her every
contour, rivulets of water trickling down her sensuous form! (composes
himself) At least that's what springs to my mind!"
* Tim (about his idea of advertising string): "Any fool could see
that. And I did!"
* Narrator (about string): "At this stage it's fairly unpleasant
stuff, coming as it does from dirty old Arab carpets trodden on by
dirty old Arabs and their smelly socks all soaked in camel wee and
hair oil and soggy bits of half chewed turkey's liver and belly
dancer's sweat ..." (causing factory worker Bill to throw up heartily
into the string vat!)
CLASSIC SCENES
--------------
* The two mock ads that kick off the show, especially a white lab
coated Bill slapping an old dear in the face, upending her kitchen
table and belting her over the head with a packet of washing powder
when she refuses to use Low Suds Mold instead of her regular detergent
and Graeme as the appropriately named Captain Fishface kidnapping
children and threatening to put them in his rissoles if their parents
don't send in 2000 wrappers from his cod pieces!
* The three Goodies in slick suits with striped shirts as the super
smooth advertising men TBT, GG and the unfortunately initialled BO
giving a superb parody of the greed and power involved in the
advertising world, especially GG and BO departing from the advertising
man's traditional code of practice (telling lies!) to produce ads
which bully the class 'D for dumb' consumers (the housewives, bless
'em, bless 'em!) into buying their products, until TBT suggests a new
miracle advertising ingredient - truth!
* The truthful ads showing Janice Thromby and her little girl with
increasingly rotting teeth thanks to their craving for the sticky
sweet blackcurrant juice Vibena, Jock McPhee's champion dog eventually
eating Nosho after the tasty choice of nails, broken glass and manure,
then snuffing it shortly afterwards and Mr Rudyard having no idea of
the recipe for his almond regency slices because he's got a ruddy
great factory that takes care of all that!
* Bill and Graeme subtly enquiring if each other has bad B.O. or has
blown off until Tim enters looking like Rod Stewart would after
mucking out Basil Brush and announces that he has forsaken all sorts
of modern gimmicks such as nice clothes, toilet paper, deodorant etc,
with GG and BO trying to flog all sorts of healthcare products to him
in his time of need (just as any self-respecting advertising men
would!)
* GG and BO's attempts to find one reputable product to advertise that
TBT doesn't object to, especially GG launching into a big spiel about
bread before struggling to come up with "Bread is ... nice!" only for
TBT to dismiss it as "Too racy!" and TBT's hilarious rant about water
being far too sexy, with later mentions of water sending him bellowing
on about "Chappell hat pegs!" and "Jelly on a plate!"
* Tim lavishly praising himself about his ingenious string ad campaign
("A million housewives every day, pick up a piece of string and say,
God bless Tim Brooke Taylor!") while not realising that Graeme and
Bill have left dummies sitting there listening to Tim's spiel (and
replying "Yes Tim!", "Most certainly!"), while the real GG and BO are
making huge profits as string-hoarding Arab baddies.
* All of the brilliant final chase scene, which is described in
greater detail in the plot section and the last bit where the Goodies
are watching their own show in a surreal twist, with the credits
rolling backwards for us and them commenting that they didn't
understand any of it!
GUEST STARS
-----------
Raymond Baxter, Marcelle Sammett, Valerie Leon
GOODIES SONGS
-------------
Everybody Loves String
String, string, string, string, everybody loves string
String, string, string, string, everybody needs string
Pull up your pants, slip on your vest
Everyone agrees, string is best!
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
-------------------
Low Suds Mold, Captain Fishface Cod Pieces, OLIPD, Are You Getting
Enough? (Margaret Thatcher), Harvest Moon Perfume, Kenny Cornflakes,
Sunbeam Sliced Bread, Vibena Blackcurrant Juice, Nosho Dog Food,
Rudyard's Almond Regency Slices, String (Refreshes Casanova), String
(Cigarettes), Heanz Meanz String, Kung Poo Aftershave, Deluxe Paint,
Exploding Chocolates, Bubble X Soap Powder
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
----------------
Brilliant sendup of the greedy, scheming advertising industry with
some of the funniest mock ads ever made, heaps of great quotes and
visuals, infectious music and the superbly surreal final chase scene
all combining to produce one of the truly great Goodies episodes.
RATING
------
IIIII Superstar
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
-----------------------------
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
-----------------------------------------
September Episode Summary: 2001 And a Bit
-----------------------------------------
6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #20
************************************
(by Linda Kay)
Issue 155
19 May, 1973 No. 43
The Goodies tackled the subject of advertising and sales on several of
their television episodes ... one will forever appreciate the many
wonderful uses for string after hearing their unforgettable jingle for
the product, not to mention their old-fashioned Medicine Show sales
style and even their radio sales pitch for a new postal service
(backed up by the repeated playing of A Walk in the Black Forest).
Snooze, political candidates, animal psychotherapy ... you name it,
they've sold it! Some of those unique and inspired sales techniques
might have come in very handy in this month's Cor!! comic entry, which
sees the plucky trio trying the more common door-to-door sales
routine.
Header: THE GOODIES TRY TO MAKE A CLEAN SWEEP OF THINGS AS BROOM
SALESMEN!
The Goodies are relaxing in their office (Bill is even sleeping in a
chair in the foreground) when a man dashes in through the front door
and literally hurls an armful of broomsticks toward them.
MAN: You say you do anything anytime! Well, try selling these brooms!
I'm tired of trying!
TIM: Bet we can't fail as door-to-door Goodies!
LATER ...
The Goodies set out on their trandem, Tim and Graeme each holding a
broom in their right hands (while steering with their left) and Bill
struggling to hang on to the rest as they approach a quaint looking
cottage (a large apartment complex sits in the background).
BILL: This looks the sort of place to sell old-fashioned brooms!
Leave it to me!
TIM: Huh! Fifty houses - fifty "No thank you's" so far!
SO ...
Bill approaches the front door and speaks to a very haggard, old
woman, trying to sell her a broom. (He apparently doesn't pick up on
the fact there is a bat peering over the door at him, a cat looking up
from the feet of the woman and an ominous skull knocker on the door).
BILL: Every broom has the Goodie - *guarantee*, honest!
WITCH: H'mm, I'd like to try it out first!
The witch (complete with pointy hat and goggles) takes off on the
broom, soaring skyward. The Goodies are sprawled on the ground below,
having either ducked her takeoff or been knocked off their feet. A
bird sitting on a nest on top of the witch's chimney looks startled at
the sight of the witch and her cat sailing high on the broomstick.
WITCH: I'll give it a test flight!
TIM: Yikes! Trust Bill to pick on a witch's cottage!
The witch is suddenly sent flying to the ground when the bristles of
the broom come loose with a *SNAP!* She crashes at the feet of the
Goodies and her cat takes off running.
WITCH: Pshaw! Faulty workmanship! My downfall will be yours, too!
BILL: Ooer! What can she mean by that?
The witch consults an issue of Witch Magazine as she points in Bill's
direction. Fearing the worst, Bill dives headfirst into a nearby
hedge as Tim and Graeme watch from behind a gate post.
BILL: Crumbs, this *spells* trouble! I'm hiding in the hedge! Hope
she doesn't find me!
WITCH: By eye of toad, and tail of jet ... !
Having finished her spell, the witch storms back into her cottage.
Tim and Graeme look to where Bill disappeared and are surprised to
find only a cat (they apparently don't recognize it as the witch's
cat).
TIM: Eek! She's turned a Goodie into a *moggy*!
GRAEME: Come on, Bill, I'll carry you back to the office and get you a
saucer of cream!
Bill leaps out of the hedge where he's been hiding and into Graeme's
arms (the cat takes off running again).
BILL: Oo, thanks, Graeme, I am feeling rather tired!
GRAEME: Aargh! So you're still your own stupid self!
Once again the Goodies mount their trandem (this time Bill's handling
*all* the brooms) and they ride down a hill toward the river where
there are several houses (not to mention a fisherman being pulled into
the river by a large fish while a sailboat sinks and another seems to
be crashing into the bridge they are about to cross).
BILL: Huh, catty lot making me carry all the brooms!
TIM: We'll try our sales patter down by the river - the houses there
have big lawns to keep clear of leaves!
Tim confidently approaches one of the houses (which bears the words
Mon Repos on a post out front ... best as I can translate it this
means restful peace or my rest).
TIM: We need the *hard sell* approach! Leave it to me, this time!
Tim sticks his foot in the door, much to the aggravation of the very
big, mean-looking man who has answered from within.
HOMEOWNER: Get your foot out of the door!
TIM: Let me tell you about this *broom* - it has all *sorts* of uses!
The man reaches out to take the broom from Tim, who is sure he's made
a sale.
HOMEOWNER: Is that so? Let's have it here then!
TIM: (thinking) Success!
The man jams the broom handle down on Tim's foot full force, causing
Tim to scream in pain. Bill and Graeme watch from the sidewalk with
some amusement.
HOMEOWNER: Let's see how good it is at getting rid of pesky salesmen!
TIM: YE-OUCH!
The Goodies slink away alongside the river (Tim's foot now in a cast)
as they look for their next prospect. As they pass one dock, a man in
front of a Boat Hire business (5p for one half hour) is tossing an old
broken paddle boat out the door.
BOAT HIRE MAN: This paddle boat isn't worth repairing - I'll throw it
out for the junk men!
GRAEME: We'll never sell this lot - we keep getting the brush off!
BILL: H'mm, I've an idea!
The boat hire man becomes livid when he sees the Goodies down river
selling rides in his old paddle boat for 3p a paddle, having attached
the brooms to the wheels to act as new paddles for the boat ("The
Latest in Paddle Boats" their sign boasts). A queue of customers are
lined up waiting for a chance to ride. Tim and Bill are the only ones
nervously aware of the fact that the boat hire man is coming after
them with a very large sword!
GRAEME: Yippee - we're getting all the boatman's extra customers!
Back at their office, The Goodies gloat over the money they have made,
each holding a handful of cash. The doorbell rings and Bill goes to
answer it.
GRAEME: What a *sweeping* success! Every brush used and we've cash in
hand!
BILL: I'll see who's at the door!
When Bill comes back, Tim and Graeme are flabbergasted to see he's
carrying another huge armful of brooms (even though a vacuum cleaner
sits quite obviously to one side).
BILL: Er ... pals ... it was a *salesman*! A-and I s-seem to have
bought these!
GRAEME: Oh, NO!
Tim and Graeme chase Bill out of the office, clubbing him with the
brooms.
TIM: This is one use we never thought of!
BILL: Yelp! What a dust-up!
Sign-Off Line: Our T.V. Chuckle Champs Return In Another Adventure
Next Week!
RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):
III - II - Fair-y punkmother.
Sad to say this is a pretty poor outing for this comic series. There
are no really boffo jokes, the entire premise is fairly weak and even
the artwork lacks much imagination. Some of it is just downright
baffling ... in the panel when the witch crashes to the ground a car
is speeding up and a man is hanging out the window with something in
his hand. I can only guess that maybe he's delivering the Witch
Magazine the witch is reading in the next panel, but honestly I just
can't figure out what he's doing (or if it's just an exceptionally
long rear view mirror!).
Likewise in the panel when the Goodies approach the river there's
something going on with the fisherman, a sailboat and what looks like
a fish but could also be a man falling overboard. The second sailboat
that's apparently crashed into the bridge is hardly noticeable at all.
This artwork is just not up to par with previous strips. Even the
lettering seems a bit more static and uninteresting. And it's never
very clear why the witch storms back into her house after only saying
one line of her spell. Are we to assume she finished it, or did she
just quit midway, sparing Bill her wrath?
Also lacking from this episode are many good puns or wordplay ...
there are a few attempts at such humor but it just doesn't hit home,
and some bits of dialogue are flat and basically describe what's
happening in the panel without adding anything or attempting to be
funny. Even the set up of the man throwing his brooms at them to sell
isn't the most interesting predicament to put them in. Spared a
"Tripe on t' pikelets" rating only by some cute business with Bill
carrying all the brooms, some spot on drawings of Tim being
characteristically cocky and a frog which witnesses the witch's spell
on Bill and hops away, only to have Tim and Graeme assume Bill's been
turned into the *cat* (obviously the frog would have been the more
cliched choice, a very subtle joke) this one is sadly a
disappointment.
To view these strips online, you can visit this page:
http://members.aol.com/corcomics
We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues
for latecomers.
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
***********************
(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor
(b) Any two of Nicholas Parsons, Roger Moore, Prince Charles, the
"ruddy Band Of The Coldstream Guards" ... and anyone else that I've
forgotten!
(c) Cunning Stunts
(d) An old pair of trousers
(e) Working The Line
(f) Cream, strawberry jam and scones (scOnes!)
(g) "Whip on down there!"
(h) Greedy Graeme, Wild Bill Oddie and Texas Tim
YOUR SCORE:
8 Goodies fan supreme
7 Mastermind of the year
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION: #93: 12th September 2003.
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule -
OK! 2003. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form
must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
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