|I'll keep this bit very short because what's to come is insanely long. But, here it is, my write up for the final night. I hope you enjoy it and don't find it too rambly. I sent this to Peej and Kirstyn and they told me where I'd gone wrong or forgotten bits, so I don't think this account is going to get any more accurate from our perspective.
Once again, I can't say it enough, thanks to everyone who sent in their contributions for the scrapooks, they were superb, and I'm sure Tim and Graeme will love them. They were certainly thrilled to bits with the books, which I shall now tell you all about, so brace yourselves for all of what's to come!
Good luck, and all the best.
Date: Sunday 27th August 2006
Before the show: I arrive at Kirstyn’s at 2.45pm and set to work straight away on making a cover for Graeme’s scrapbook while Peej and Kirstyn do last minute gluing. Get ready. Me and Peej leave at 3.30pm, feel very self-conscious. My Tim (a.k.a ‘Les Dennis’) badge falls off on the bus and onto the floor as we’re getting off, as it’s Tim, I bend over quickly to pick it up. I don’t think anyone was behind me (I hope not - for their sake). We get to the Assembly Rooms for 4pm - we see Clair and Kate and meet Helen (‘Sosia’). We chat in the queue, though feeling very tired and nervous. Graeme walks past, he grins madly, but we don’t know at what (perhaps it was the dresses, me and Peej didn’t dare look and pretended to find her phone very interesting instead).
Tim walks past at 5pm, Peej sees him but I don’t. How does he do that? Kirstyn arrives by taxi at 5.15pm. We see a man near the back of the queue with a giant Ecky Thump cap and black pudding. John comes up to us and asks if we’re still on for meeting upstairs afterwards. We go into the theatre and get front row seats.
The Show: Tim and Graeme catch sight of us early on, the grinning and ogling begins. When Tim is introduced by Graeme, Tim blows kisses at the three of us. Aww. In the dark (but also when the lights were on - they weren’t subtle) we catch both of them looking at us, but Graeme was more obvious, like it was his birthday and Christmas all at once (see pic, it really was the spitting image, we're not making it up).
At the beginning of the show Tim is fluffing his lines a lot and, interspersed with ogles at us, we come to the conclusion that we’re putting him off! Graeme tells the wasp anecdote and for a long time after he carries on mouthing “A wasp, a wasp!” and putting his finger up his sleeve. He does it to each of us and Tim, sounding jealous, says, “That’s enough!” Heehee. Graeme keeps sitting in compromising positions on his chair, and Tim does the “three wasps and a small snake went up my trouser leg” gesture right to the very top - it was so rude. Again, lots of Tim trouser fondling was involved, and a bit of leg was on show. Not that I was watching.
Graeme says the “meaty parts” line and waits for our giggling, he does mock eye-rolling, but he loves it really. I giggle particularly dirtily so he looks at me. Sorry, I can’t help it. They make the Germaine Greer joke very rude:
Graeme: What was it that made her want to bite your head off?
Tim: Don’t go there!
Graeme: Is that what she said?
Tim: No! …It’s what the traffic warden said!
We gasp in shock, which makes Tim and Graeme giggle. Graeme controls the Bill puppet - Tim tries to make him laugh by adding in lines. Graeme has far too much fun with the puppet, making it do silly things, like putting his hand over its eyes and pretending to make it look into the audience at us. We laugh so much that Graeme makes it bow at us - so honoured - laugh a lot. Tim says “ungelievagly” at the end and he tries to do it high-pitched but his voice breaks up. Cute. I cheer the carrot undies (alone) and Tim smiles at me. After the clip Tim says it was his “Oversized carrot” that got Mary Whitehouse. Oooh! Tim looks at us when he says it, trying to impress us, perhaps?! Graeme gives us a look of shock and disgust in response to Tim, who giggles naughtily. Tim and Graeme look at us a lot when reading out the censored lines and Julie Andrews bit. I cheer the Scoutrageous shorts too. Me and Peej both go, “Phwoar” at Tim in the black karate uniform from ‘Ecky Thump’. Tim tells the Prince William anecdote and pulls his crying face more than ever - so very cute. Graeme brandishes his kazoo at us. Cheer Lady Constance, Tim is very grateful and makes a rude joke in Constance voice (I forget what - argh), which makes Graeme turn around and look at us, shocked. When Tim is introducing Constance his pyramids become less pyramid-like than ever, they’re abnormally round and cupping is involved - we laugh a great deal and Graeme turns to us once again, looking shocked. Tim looks/stares at me twice during the ISIRTA sketch because I’m laughing so much. Tim gets his swannee whistle stuck on his microphone wire, but continues nonetheless, what a trooper. At the end they ask for a favourite Goodies episode, someone shouts out “Watership Down” (a.k.a ‘Animals’ from series and Tim goes “Yes!” in a pleased way. He really must know them all off by heart. Start getting extremely nervous while “The Movies” clip plays. Once again, Graeme gets covered in the party popper stuff, poor thing!
After the show: As arranged, we wait in the upstairs foyer bar. I stand closest to the theatre door, Peej and Kirstyn are behind me, I try convincing them to stand nearer to the front but they don’t. Eep. Every time the door opens I get terrified. I’m now really nervous, it feels like we’re having to wait forever. After about 5 minutes, the door opens and Tim pops his head around, he goes, “ooh, Hello!” and Tim and Graeme walk out to see us, saying hello. Graeme sees me and gives me a silly wave, which touches me greatly, so I give a silly wave back and Graeme smiles. They put their bags down, clearly expecting something. Tim makes small talk, saying how much he loves the dungarees and asks us if we can do Funky Gibbon for him. We’re far too nervous to oblige.
Peej goes, “erm, ahh…” and I look at Kirstyn and Peej, terrified. Peej says, “Don’t do that!” when Kirstyn tries pushing her forward. No one seems to want to say anything, so I have to. Tim and Graeme look at me and smile expectantly, help! Although we didn’t notice at the time, but it was caught on video, Tim had the cheekiest face and did “come here” gestures to us with his hands. So glad I didn’t see that at the time, I would have died. I don’t make eye contact and look to the ceiling going “Um, well, we thought that....” and Tim says, “Look at us while you’re talking! You’re acting just like me!” (I didn’t hear that last bit, but how sweet of him to say that). I shriek, “I can’t!” and bury my head in my hands and bend over forward (not a good idea, given the dress). I then give the speech another go, this time looking at each of them in turn. Graeme smiles the whole time and gives nods of encouragement in an, “it’s alright, you can do it,” sort of way, which is a huge confidence boost. Tim does the same but looks more like he’s trying to suppress giggles, as he knows that something’s coming and he’s excited. I reach into my bag in preparation and Graeme’s eyes go straight to the bag, but I don’t get the scrapbook out just yet. His face lights up though. The anticipation is building, but thankfully they don’t lose their patience with me.
Rough translation of what I said: “Well, as a way of congratulating you for Edinburgh, we thought we’d make you some presents, and so we put these together and everyone on Goodies Rule OK has helped [Tim and Graeme go, “ooh!”], so, [turns to Peej and Kirstyn] Is that it? [Turns back to Tim and Graeme] Yeah, that’s it!”
Tim gives me a round of applause; I don’t know who’s doing it so I bow in a general direction. The clapping fades out when no one else joins in. Aww, bless you, Tim. I get the book out of my bag and hand it over to Tim, saying “That one’s for you!” Tim goes “oh, wow!” and his face lights up, “Thank you so much!” He excitedly tries to get into the book but it’s tied with ribbon. Graeme says, “Er, Tim, you’ve got ribbon on yours!” and Tim glares at Graeme with mock-anger, then unties the book and opens it. He flinches slightly as he does so, then looks up and says, “Oh, I thought something was going to pop out at me!” I giggle and say, “Aww, I wouldn’t do that to you!” Graeme then gets his book (Kirstyn couldn’t get it out of her bag for a few moments). His face similarly lights up and he looks at it. They both show off their books to each other and are very appreciative.
Peej nudges me and goes “DVD, DVD!” I quickly get out the Tim DVD and say, we also put together a DVD of clips and Tim goes, “Oh, fantastic!” Graeme gets his DVD too and he looks very impressed. I then get out the Ness toys. I say, “We also got you these as a silly little present - that’s for you…” and give Graeme his cheeky ness toy, which makes him laugh. Tim is intrigued, but I haven’t managed to get Tim’s out of the bag yet. I get it out eventually and give it to him, and he laughs. Graeme grins madly and says proudly, “I’m cheeky ness!” Graeme asks what Tim is, Tim shows him, “I’m Pretty Ness - I’d rather be cheeky ness!” Tim giggles and says thanks again. Tim asks, “You must have spent ages on these, did you have a lot of late nights?” and we three all go “YES!” which takes Tim back. I add, “I’m so tired!” in a silly voice and rub my eyes.
Peej holds Bill’s book and asks, “Could one of you also please pass this on to Bill?” Tim looks up from his book and says, “No!” jokingly, and Peej has a panic attack. Both Tim and Graeme are far too occupied with the books to notice Bill’s. Peej continues panicking. Tim says, “I’m already going to have to pay for my excess baggage!” and I go, “Aww, I’m sorry” - not realising it was meant to be taken as a joke, I was a bit high-strung. Tim asks, “Graeme, can you take it?” but Graeme is far too involved with his book to notice. Tim then says, “John, can you take it? It’s for Bill” and John comes in and takes the book happily, promising that he’ll make sure Bill gets it. He was already behind Tim and Graeme, looking over their shoulders at the books and sounding very impressed. He says, “I’ll pretend to be Bill shall I?” and crouches down, making himself smaller than Tim and Graeme. We all laugh. John looks through Bill’s book and says, “Wow, cool!” Tim and Graeme say, “I know, they’re great aren’t they?” Graeme turns to the ‘Making of the Scrapbooks’ and we all go “Oh no!” and bury our head in our hands. Graeme laughs and goes, “Tim, look at this!” and they both have a good giggle about it while we die of shame. Graeme points at a cheesy picture of Kirstyn and then looks at her, smiling, she’s very embarrassed. Tim asks, excitedly, “So did you do these in your room late at night?” and I say, innocently, “Yes, very late!” The guys continue to look at the books, completely absorbed. They then look up and realise that people want autographs and hugs, so they start to put their things away. Graeme puts his book in his bag and says, “I’ll read that on the plane”. Tim looks around, lost, not sure where to put his things, so I say, “It’s alright, I’ll hold them for you!” Tim giggles and says, “Thank you! It’s not that I don’t want them, it’s just…” and I say, “No no, it’s alright!” Tim smiles at me then runs along to have fun. I feel like his mum, holding his things for him while he goes off to play. Graeme takes off his coat and picks up his bags, he’s not sure where to put them so he comes over to us and puts them by our feet. He must trust us. He says, “Wait here” to the three of us while he goes to sign autographs and have photos. We do what he says (well, you would) and wait patiently.
Graeme comes back towards us so I ask, “Would it be alright if we have a photo?” Graeme looks to those who are still waiting, so I go, “Oh! Sorry!” and Graeme smiles at me and goes back to the others. We wait a bit longer, Peej, Kirstyn and artyclarty have a quick look through Tim’s book while I’m still holding it for Tim. Tim thanks me again as he takes his things back. Peej asks for a group photo, and the guys are more than happy to oblige. John takes Peej’s camera, I hold out my camera in the hope that someone will adopt it, Sosia very kindly obliges. Peej goes to Graeme, Kirstyn goes to Tim (surely the wrong way round?) I, once again, am extremely lucky and get to go between Tim and Graeme. I, again, say how lucky I am to be in such a position. Everyone puts their arms around each other and we all look, quite scared, at the huge line of cameras before us. I say, “Ooh, it’s like being famous!” - forgetting that I’m sandwiched between two Goodies (that’s how much of a daze I was in!). All the cameras go off and it’s a bit startling, but exciting. Everyone’s enjoying it very much and has their arms around each other, even if they are in dodgy places. Graeme (for once, heehee!) is the least innocent of us all, but is still leaning back, looking like a pimp (don’t say what that makes me and Peej). Peej’s arm around Graeme is missing in action (did Graeme groping occur? We may never know), Graeme has his hand on my shoulder/back, I have my hands on Tim and Graeme’s shoulders, and Kirstyn has her arm around Tim. Tim, however, has his hands in naughty places. For Kirstyn, he didn’t put his hand on her shoulder, but lower down, and his hand was reaching right around to the front. To be blunt, cupping looks to be involved. With me, Tim had the scrapbook in his hand, so he had a proper excuse not to have his hand on my shoulder, but nevertheless, the arm was low down. Very low down. The scrapbook was firmly in his grasp, but fingers which did not need to be holding the book were not wasted, instead, they were extended, and firmly touching my bottom. Tim is a very, very naughty man. Heehee.
After all the photos are taken we get out of the pose. Graeme pats me on the back, which I thought was a lovely gesture. I get out of the photo pose, but Tim still holds onto Kirstyn saying, “I could stay like this forever!” As I leave his side he gives me a, “And where do you think you’re going?” look, so, like any girl would, I jump back in and put my arm around him, patting his back and generally enjoying it. We stay with our arms around each other while Tim talks (I don’t even know what he was saying anymore, I was miles away), and as soon as I was back by his side, Tim’s hand went back onto my bottom. Tee hee.
We part after about a minute, and this is when my memory gets incredibly blurry. Either artyclarty or Sosia (I forget who) asks for a photo with Tim and Graeme, but we’re all still behind Tim and Graeme so we try to get out of shot. Peej and Kirstyn manage to get out of shot, but I have nowhere to go and time is running out, so I duck down right behind Tim and Graeme. Though I didn’t think about it at the time, I realise afterwards that it was a good thing that Tim and Graeme didn’t see me behind them like that; it would have taken a lot of explaining otherwise! We each get our Tim hugs. Tim tells Kirstyn that the hugs are a great morale boost and make him feel young. He also says, 'It'll be a sad day when we have to ask you for hugs'' Kirstyn says ''No, that'll never happen'' and Tim says, ‘‘Well if it does, just give me a slap!'' I then ask for a hug, which Tim, as usual, rushes in excitedly to do. We squeeze tightly, rub each other’s backs and hug longer than the average hug usually lasts (as Tim always does, which is why he’ll pull you back in if you try to break away too soon). Tim also makes lots of ‘awwww’, ‘mmmm’ and ‘heeheehee’ noises. While hugging I say, “Aww, farewell hug!” Tim hugs Peej and says, “You’re always a good hug!” Ooh, lovely.
We then wander over to Graeme and get our hugs and kisses. Graeme hugs Kirstyn, then they pull apart, Graeme looks at her and kisses her on the lips, then they hug again. Wow. Peej gets her hug next, he kisses her on the cheek and she kisses him back. After the hug he says, “Thanks for coming and showing your support.” I get the final hug and, after I ask, Graeme looks at me for a moment, grins devilishly, and moves straight in for the cheek, where I get a kiss. The hug is the longest Graeme hug yet, and it’s very warm and comforting. He has one arm around your shoulder and another further down. Bliss. After the hug he says, “Thanks for coming and showing your support” and I, giggling from the hug, say “It’s been a pleasure”.
People start to come into the next show so we can’t move. Graeme is stood by the wall next to the three of us and says with mock-disappointment, “It looks like I won’t be able to go yet” and we say, “Oh, what a shame!” Kirstyn asks for a photo with Tim and Graeme because she’s never had one with them both before, Tim asks, “Are you sure you haven’t?” Kirstyn holds her bottle of water in one hand and her camera in the other. Me and Peej watch and wait for her to hand over the camera, but Kirstyn, in a daze, passes Peej the bottle of water by accident. I take action and take the camera. Peej laughs and pretends to take a camera with the bottle of water, but hopes that the boys don’t notice. I take a photo with Kirstyn’s camera and Peej takes one with her own camera, but it’s accidentally set to red eye reduction. As such, the camera flashes three times, and Tim, highly confused/over-excited, jokingly has a go at Peej for all the flashing (oo-er)!
We each see that our bags have been left on the floor and we stare at them, we realise that we can’t pick them up, especially not in front of the boys, due to the shortness of the dresses. Tim and Graeme laugh at this realisation and yet keep on watching, clearly waiting for us to make our move. How naughty. Whilst Graeme laughs he says, “It serves you right for wearing such short dresses!” and Tim says, “Well I can bend over, watch me bend over!” and demonstrates. Oh I say! Tim then shows us how to bend over in a lady-like fashion, and does it twice. Each time it looks like the Chartered Accountant in the 1948 Show removing his wet bathing trunks. I miss the first part of the conversation and am highly confused as to what Tim’s doing. I ask, jokingly, “Are you alright, Tim?!” The second time that Tim does it I ask, “What’s he doing?” It took a while for me to figure it out. Graeme also demonstrates that he can bend over and pretends to pick up his things, he says, ''Oh I think I'll just bend over and pick up my stuff” in a teasing fashion - Kirstyn watches him for a long time while he does so, tut tut (heehee ). Tim asks us once again to do the Funky Gibbon and we’re still too embarrassed, so Tim does the Funky Gibbon pose, with one arm down and the other up in the air. It was amazing. Peej and I copy the pose, but Peej is holding Kirstyn’s bottle of water so she says she looks more like the Statue of Liberty. Tim laughs. I then say, “I can’t remember how the rest of it goes!” which Tim laughs at, and then I start doing the “Doing a dance that could be the rage” move and Tim laughs again. Tim then goes over to his bags and sneaks back around to behind Kirstyn, he holds his ‘pretty ness’ toy over Kirstyn’s head so Graeme can see. Everyone else notices what Tim’s doing when I turn around and go “Ooh!” Kirstyn is at oblivious to what’s happening and so she turns round to Tim, who says, “You like that don’t you, Graeme?” Was it some kind of in-comment we’re not supposed to know about? Graeme smiles but gives away no secrets. Intriguing. Tim is trying to get some things that he left next to Graeme’s so Graeme helps. Graeme picks up Tim’s DVD and says; “is this yours?” and Tim replies, in the most sarcastic tone ever, “Yes, because it says “Tim” on it!” Then he looks at us in a “Dear me” sort of way. Graeme says, “Well I didn’t read it!” So cute. Tim disappears again to his bags which are on the table a few feet away.
Graeme looks back at the size of the queue and then says, “It looks like a good show”. Peej asks Graeme if he’s enjoyed Edinburgh and his face lights up as he says, “Yes, it’s been great fun!” Graeme then asks, “How many times have you seen the show?” and Peej answers “Ten” and buries her head into her hands with shame. Graeme, however, is impressed and smiles, “So you must be the record holder then?” Kirstyn then mentions that she still doesn’t understand the praying mantis joke and Peej says, “But I explained it to you!” Graeme asks, “What’s this?” and I say, “The Germaine Greer bit,” but Graeme still seems to be confused. Peej says, “I’ll explain it later!” Kirstyn asks where Tim is and I say, “He’s sitting over there” and point to Tim sitting at the table, putting things into his bag (why must he always be rummaging through his bag and making it look so cute?) We all, including Graeme, watch Tim put his things away. Tim then fastens up his things and says ‘bye’ very quickly and walks out towards the staircase, even though people are still coming the other way. We all look slightly bemused and turn to Graeme, Graeme says, “Aww, Tim doesn’t seem to like saying goodbyes much.” As we’re all in a daze we don’t make much of it at the time, but afterwards we nearly cry because it’s the most adorable thing in the world. Poor Tim, he must care about us. John is the next to leave and says bye and waves. What a guy, he’s so lovely.
Graeme puts on his coat, picks up bag and says, “Well, this is it” in a sad tone. He tries to draw out the goodbye for as long as possible, clearly not wanting to go. He looks at the three of us and says saucily, “Bye girls”. He blows a kiss at us, but it was pretty much aimed at Kirstyn, then he gives us grins and raised eyebrows (difficult to describe, but it was highly saucy) as he says ‘bye’ to us individually. He then says bye to the others and makes his way out towards the staircase. And that was that. Sigh. The whole experience lasted about 30 minutes in total, but it felt more like 5. It was like a dream. I miss them already, but what a night.
P.S. Did I mention that Tim touched my bottom?
Mood - Yawny
Music - Spacehopper - The Goodies