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C&G 80 Aug 2002
#80 Aug 2002 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 19/11/2006

Index

» #80 Aug 2002

 
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
 .
Issue No. 80                      15th August 2002
 
 
TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.
 
TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN E-MAIL TEXT FORM:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the E-mail mailing list.
 
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
 
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
 
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender
 
ACE REPORTERS
- Lisa Manekofsky
- David Balston
- Alison Bean
- Tim Brooke-Taylor 
COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER
- Linda Kay
 
C&G CONTRIBUTOR
- Daniel Bowen
 
CONTENTS
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you                                                      
2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.   
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY –
Lighthouse Keeping Loonies                            
6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #9
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS                       
. 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
 
QUOTE: "We shall beat these cocky foreigners - them and their garlic bicycles!"
(a) Which Goodie made this quote?
(b) Which event was he planning to win?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
 
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "Punky Business" (aka "Rock Goodies")
(d) What is the name of the Goodies' squeaky clean rock band?
(e) Which utterly contagious song do they sing at the start of the show?
(f) Which dish was Tim unable to order at the punk restaurant, and why?
(g) What was the name of Bill's tuxedo-clad character at the Trendsetters Ball?
(h) What did the mysterious stranger Punkarella leave behind at the ball when fleeing once the clock struck midnight?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
. 
2. BOFFO IDEAS
 
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
 
IS "THE GOODIES" FINALLY COMING TO DVD?
by Lisa Manekofsky with contributions from Alison Bean and David Balston
 
NEWS:
Recently rumors began to spread that "The Goodies" at long last will be coming to DVD. The information circulating on the internet was that a company named Network Videos (http://www.networkvideos.co.uk/) will be releasing Goodies DVDs later this year. Further reports claimed that Network planned to release two DVDs, one in September that would include the episodes "Beefeaters", "Kitten Kong (Montreux Special), "Superstar" and "Goodies and the Beanstalk" and a second in December with the episodes "The Movies", "Kung-Fu Kapers", "Black & White Beauty" and "Saturday Night Grease"
 
We contacted Tim Brooke-Taylor to ask if there was any truth to these reports. Tim told us that at the end of July he had been approached by BBC Worldwide, via his agent, to grant a license for some Goodies DVDs. He had been sent a list of episodes for the proposed DVDs which was almost identical to the one circulating on the net, with the exception that it did not include the episode "Beefeaters" [for those unfamiliar with the episode titles, an episode guide is available at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/html.php?link=1]. Tim, Graeme and Bill did discuss the request. While they are interested in a DVD release of "The Goodies" they did have some questions about the proposed discs. Therefore, correspondence is being exchanged between the appropriate parties to address these concerns.
 
We then contacted Network Videos. Their customer service department told us that they hope to release a Goodies product at some time and it is being looked into but there are no set plans. We were then able to talk to their licensing manager. He explained that any rumors regarding episode releases are completely false; the company is not far enough into the process to have any release dates. The rumored September date was never a proposed date. He also told us that Network had originally looked into the possibility of releasing the episodes as season by season sets; however, this is not possible as some episodes were impossible to clear with regard to the music rights. He could not comment on the possibility of a commentary track as it is too early to know what they will be able to negotiate. 
 
It sounds as if a lot of work has already been done assessing the episodes but there is a lot more work to be done with these releases. At the very earliest these discs will be out in 2003, but there are no concrete plans to release anything. However, they are very hopeful that they will be able to release a quality Goodies DVD.
 
It seems that the fans will need to exercise a little patience and keep our fingers crossed that the deal goes through. We’ll pass along further news when it becomes available.
 
CONCERNS OF INTERNATIONAL MEMBERS:
After hearing the rumors about the Network Video releases, some fans outside the UK visited the company's website only to encounter a message saying "After Thursday 27 June and until further notice we are unable to process international orders". Rest assured that if Network Video does release Goodies DVDs it will be possible for fans outside the UK to purchase these titles through major on-line retailers who stock Network's products (such as Blackstar Video and Amazon.co.uk). Also, you might be interested to learn that it is possible to purchase multi-region DVD players in Australia, the US, and elsewhere which are capable of playing UK DVDs.
 
CLUB POLL:
With all the discussion about potential Goodies DVDs on the goodies-l mailing list and elsewhere, the club decided to run an informal poll to learn about fans' preferences for DVD releases. [It should be noted that this was prior to Network Videos explaining that they wouldn’t be able to release the episodes by series]. Here are the results as of 15th August, at which point the poll had received 257 votes:
 
Poll Question - If Goodies DVDs were to be released, would you prefer:
* episodes be released by series - 62.6% (161 votes)
* "best of" collections – 4.7% (12 votes)
* don't care - just release some Goodies DVDs already! – 30.7% (79 votes)
* Just the one with Rolf Harris – 1.9% (5 votes) [Rolf always manages to sneak into these polls somehow!]
 
The poll will run through the end of August and we're eager for feedback from the fans - please note that you can add comments as well as casting your vote. Just go to http://www.goodiesruleok.com/poll.php (if you're on another page in the website that shows the poll just click on the "Results" link to be taken to the page where you can see the current results and enter your comments).
 
 
I'VE DONE A JINGLE. (THERE'S A GOOD BOY!)
(by Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - 15th July)
 
This company has a Goodies mobile phone jingle, though it appears they only serve the UK.
 
 
BETTER LATE THAN EVEN LATER!
 
Amid the rush when trying to get last months C&G out before Earthanasia struck at 12 midnight, it seems as though I forgot a couple of Goodies birthdays around the 11.43 mark!
Belated birthday greetings and best wishes from all members of "The Goodies Rule OK" to Bill Oddie who turned 61 on July 7th and to Tim Brooke-Taylor who was 62 years young on July 17th.
 
 
3. SPOTTED!!!
 
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
 
* The show called "I Love 1970" is due to be broadcast on Friday, August 2nd on UK Horizons at 21:00 and UK Horizons Plus 1 at 22:00.
The programme listing claims that the show will mention the Goodies - here's the listing from DigiGuide: "Series celebrating 70s pop culture. This edition, introduced by Jimmy Savile, focuses on 1970 - the year of chopper bikes, Mungo Jerry, 'MASH' and the Goodies". (Lisa Manekofsky -Goodies-l - 29th July)
 
 
4. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
 
TIM SPOTTINGS
 
 
YOU'RE GONNA BE CURED ...!
 
* Tim Brooke-Taylor sent us the following report about some of his current projects:
 
"I have a very small, but regular part in a new BBC2 hospital comedy called 'tlc'. We don't know transmission dates but November is rumoured. We're filming it at the moment in a hospital in East London. I think it's going to be very good (I can say that as my part is small. Actually it's a great part. The main story is a young house surgeon's trials and tribulations 'More Mash and Scrubs than Doctor in the House'. My character used to be an A&E consultant surgeon but went off the rails. He has returned as the hospital Chaplain but is only interested in getting in on operations). A very strong cast - Reece Shearsmith from League of Gentlemen, Alexander Armstrong from 'Armstrong and Miller' and 'Beast' and an excellent current commercial for Pimms, Tom Watt and Richard Griffiths from lots of fine things, but most recently as Harry Potter's appalling uncle. Other excellent characters including some very cruel nurses. It's written by Finton Coyle.
Then I immediately film another series of 'Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor'."
 
 
* The 1968 special "How To Irritate People" featuring John Cleese, Michael Palin, Graham Chapman, Connie Booth and Tim Brooke-Taylor is due to be released on DVD in the UK on September 30th.
The special has been available on DVD in the US for at least a year but it appears that the UK edition will have some differences. The US DVD reused the cover artwork from the older VHS tape release; it appears that the UK edition will have new artwork (see http://www.blackstar.co.uk/video/item/7000000072370 ) Also, an extra feature on the UK DVD is a recent interview with David Frost (the executive producer of the special). (Lisa Manekofsky -Goodies-l - 29th July)
 
 
GRAEME SPOTTINGS
 
* Just to confirm that Graeme appears in the trailer for Monty Python And The Holy Grail, which can be found on the region 2 (UK) 2 disc DVD set. As far as I know it is NOT on the vastly inferior region 4 version for sale in Australia.
(Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - 23rd July)
 
* Graeme will be a special guest on "TV Scrabble" on Saturday 3rd August at 9.30pm repeated Sunday 4th August at 12.35pm on satellite/digital channel
Challenge TV. The programme is hosted by Toby Anstis with Jan Leeming being the other special guest. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 24th July)
 
* UK Drama give Student Prince a couple more outings on Saturday 10th August at 9pm and again at 1am (Sunday morning).
"Drama about a young police officer sent on a special assignment with the royal protection squad. His charge is a young British prince during his first year at university, and he soon finds his duties extending well beyond those of personal bodyguard. Written by Lee Hall Director: Simon Curtis
Starring: Robson Green, Tara Fitzgerald, Rupert Penry-Jones, Stephen Moore, Richard Briers, Graeme Garden" (David Balston - Goodies-l - 30th July)
 
* BBC Radio 4 is currently airing a series called "Giles Wemmbley Hogg Goes Off" on Tuesdays at 18:30. According to Radio 4's webpage for this show(http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/gileswemmbleyhogg.shtml ): "The series is written and conceived by Marcus Brigstocke (We Are History, Think the Unthinkable) and Jeremy Salsby (Patrick Kielty Live) with additional material by Graeme Garden (I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, The Motion Show)" (Lisa Manekofsky -Goodies-l - 30th July)
 
 
BILL SPOTTINGS
 
* Bill makes another appearance on BBC1's Through the Key Hole at 2.05pm on Tuesday 6th August .
David Frost challenges a panel of celebrities to identify two well-known personalities by peeping into their homes - with the help of Lloyd Grossman, who lays a trail of convoluted clues. Panelists are Bill Oddie, Anna Walker and Ross Kelly. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 29th July)
 
* Also repeated is Bill's appearance on Fun at the Funeral Parlour on BBC2W, the digital Welsh version of BBC2. The show is on Friday 9th August at 9.15pm.
"BBC Choice's original sitcom, set in a funeral directors' in South Wales. In an episode guest-starring Paul Whitehouse, famous twitcher Bill Oddie is at a bird sanctuary, trying to woo the woman of his dreams. However, their relationship is not to be Starring: William Thomas, Rhys Thomas, Alex Lowe, Tony Way" (David Balston - Goodies-l - 30th July)
 
* Play UK gives viewers another chance to see Bill explaining all about birds to Vic Reeves in Vic Reeves Examines in the early hours of Wednesday 14th August at 3.40am. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 5th August)
 
*Another Bill repeat "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" also starts on Wednesday 14th August at 8pm on the Welsh BBC2 digital variant BBC2W. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 5th August)
 
 
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
 
RECORDING DATES FOR UPCOMING ISIHAC SERIES
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
Preliminary information is coming in about the recording dates for the next series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue"
A recording has been scheduled for 27th October at the Malvern Theatre - tickets are available at £6 and £8 from the box office on (01684) 892277
The second date is 24th November at the Grand Theatre, Blackpool - tickets are around £8 and are available from the box office on (01253) 290190.
The third date is 8th December; we do not know the location at this time.
 
 
FANCY YOURSELF AS AN ISIHAC PANELIST...?!
 
Well if so, then here's your chance to put your wittiness to good use and give your fellow C&G readers and "Clue" fans a good giggle or groan. In past editions of the C&G we've reprinted actual rounds from the show featuring the wordy ways of Tim, Graeme, Barry, Humph and their special guests; however for something different, we'd like to ask you for YOUR responses to a particular topic once every couple of months or so.
 
In the September C&G we'd like to list some of the following:
- "Late Arrivals at the Farmer's Ball"
(eg: Would you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Cide and their son, Herbie Cide),
- "Farmer's Songbook"
 (eg Fallow That Dream by Elvis Parsley)
- "Farmer's TV, Book and Film Club"
 (eg Bale Of The Century)
 
Until then, our delightful scorer Samantha has to nip out to assist a young farmer friend of hers who is having trouble with wild birds eating his crops. He's very keen for her help because apparently she's seen a cockatoo in her time ...
 
We're sure that you can do much better than the lame offerings above, so please e-mail your suggestions to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> to score lots of points, which mean the prize of an autographed photo of Graeme Garden to one contributor chosen at random by our distinguished panel of judges.
 
 
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
 
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPING LOONIES
 
Series 5, Episode 8
First screened: 31st March 1975
 
PLOT
 
Graeme misreads an advertisement for 'a little light housekeeping' and the Goodies find themselves marooned in the Jolly Rock lighthouse (which is miles offshore) for the next five years, much to Bill's instant displeasure. Tim rapidly decides to assume control and sends Graeme up to tend the lamp (where he also provides an excellent evening's entertainment of shadow puppets along the shoreline), while Bill complains about being hungry, as Tim provides a flashback to the previous episode ("Hoorry oop with me sooper, ee bah goom!") and a mean Jimmy Cagney impersonation to boot.
 
Tim's bait of rancid halibut giblets succeeds immediately and catches a whopper fish, but it also takes the fishing rod out to sea too and Bill goes balmy over everything in the lighthouse being round in shape, before feeling much better after he creams Tim in the face with a round lemon meringue pie. Graeme races back down the stairs after the ruddy moths near the lamp have eaten huge holes in his clothes and they all sing a song about the Jolly Rock lighthouse from 'The Bumper Book Of Sea Shanties', before they realise that they are liable to catch mumps there. Tim cops a dose of the mumps almost immediately and is banished upstairs, while Bill and Graeme play a quiet game of round cards oblivious to Tim's bellowing about being up there on his own.
 
The shipping forecast tells them that high seas, hurricanes and water spouts are imminent near the Jolly Rock lighthouse (despite waters being calm everywhere else in the North Sea!), but they cannot activate the lamp because Bill has thrown out all of the oil after Graeme complained when served up chips that had been cooked in it! Bill walks around with a candle strapped to his head, while Tim's rocket (which takes off out the window with him still hanging on and eventually dumps him back on the glass roof) and Graeme's foghorn (which he ends up eating after being unable to turn it off) don't help matters, as the fog closes in and the ships come ever closer to the lighthouse (including the QE II and the Brittania, as Tim gets closer to the Queen than ever before).
 
Bill manages to tunnel several hundred feet underground in ten minutes using a hand drill in search of fuel, but doesn't want filthy rich capitalists like Tim to cream off the wealth that he has discovered. Shortly after he finds coal, Bill strikes oil for the lamp (which also splatters Tim and Graeme in the face) and he tells Tim to go and have a nice relaxing bath ("big fat pansy!"), but then makes a fatal mistake and lights a candle underground to see where he is going.
 
The Jolly Rock soon has liftoff into space, as a huge tail of flame spurts out from underneath it. A news bulletin reports UFO sightings by people who have been promptly locked up and also reports the disappearance of the lighthouse during a thick fog, complete with unsavoury photofits of two prime royal suspects who were seen in the area at the time! Meanwhile Bill and Graeme try to turn the lighthouse around back towards Earth and eventually succeed in turning it sideways, while they give Tim and his rubber duck a panic attack when he gets tipped out of his bath and can't see the ocean out the window. The news that they are orbiting the earth at a height of 150,000 feet freaks Tim out completely, but the lighthouse soon uses up all of its rocket fuel and plummets back to Earth, bang on top of Nelson's statue. Tim's mumps are finally cured (as he has given them to Bill and Graeme!), but a loud siren soon jangles his nerves again as a huge battleship cruises through the nearby streets of London.
 
CLASSIC QUOTES
 
* Graeme: "I admit, it's my fault. I just misread the advert, that's all. I thought it said a little light housekeeping!"
 
* The shipping forecast reporter on the radio: "And an extra special good night to Stoker Cheeky Hoyle. {smooch} night night petal pants!"
Bill: "Oh yeah! Stoker Cheeky Hoyle. I remember him. They call him the Cross Channel Fairy!"
 
* Graeme: "Now what are we going to use for fuel?"
Tim: "I've got some baby oil!" (prompting suspicious glances from Bill & Graeme)
 
* Corbet Woodall (on the UFO sighting): "... and he says he saw what appeared to be a humanoid figure through one of the portholes. The figure was wearing what he assumed was some kind of space hat made out of frilly pink plastic and was carrying a rubber duck."
 
CLASSIC SCENES
 
* Graeme going upstairs to light the lamp, listening to 'A Walk In The Black Forest' on his radio and attempting to read a book. As the lamp keeps rotating (leaving him in darkness most of the time), he walks around reading in the beam, casting his imposing shadow on the shoreline, then follows it up with a display of shadow puppets using his hands.
 
* Bill's 'round rant' where he does the 'nana about everything in the lighthouse being round including a record, chessboard (?!), his supper of burgers, peas, carrots, the plate and the table ("don't tell me ... oooh, what a surprise! It's round!!"). Tim's attempt to convince Bill that his favourite lemon meringue pie is square doesn't work and Bill chases him around and around in circles before turning and hitting Tim in the gob with the pie, then feeling curiously better for doing it.
 
* Their rollicking sea shanty about the Jolly Rock Lighthouse (printed at the end of the summary) which they sing with great gusto until they gradually realise that the Jolly Rock is hardly the ideal holiday place, as lots of bad and unpleasant things happen there and the singing suffers accordingly.
 
* A number of cameo scenes including:
- Tim banished upstairs to the lamp room and wailing that his mumps are getting better ("at the most I've only got A mump!), then repeatedly calling "Can you hear me?" while Bill and Graeme are blissfully playing cards (which are round too!) and marvelling how quiet Tim is until he comes crashing down the stairs and squashes them, while still bellowing "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!"
- Graeme activating a foghorn, but then being unable to stop its deafening racket (despite turning it off, pulling out its power lead and jumping on it repeatedly!) and swallowing the horn in desperation only to find it still booming away each time he tries to speak. His own career as a foghorn is shortlived as he soon sounds more like Donald Duck, but a glass of water fixes the problem just as Bill runs in frantically looking for the foghorn, only to be told that Graeme has eaten it!
- Brittania passing so close that Tim gets a royal wave from the Queen through the window, which is quickly followed by a royal two-fingered salute from the Duke!
 
* The news report with witnesses reporting the speed of the UFO as being between 20 and 6000 miles per hour, the sighting of an alien in a Venusian space suit of frilly pink plastic and carrying a rubber duck, the picture taken by an amateur Swedish photographer (oo'er!) and the photofits of the two regal-looking suspects sighted near the Jolly Rock lighthouse just before it disappeared.
 
* Bill and Graeme feverishly trying to turn the lighthouse around in space while Tim gets a very rough ride in his bathtub, and the following scenes where Tim panics, causing the lighthouse to spin around like a treadmill with Bill turning head over heels in the background.
 
GUEST STARS
 
Corbet Woodall, Patrick Moore
 
GOODIES SONGS
 
Song Of The Jolly Rock Lighthouse
 
Oh the winds they do blow and the seas they do roar
When you're stuck on a lighthouse ten miles from the shore
But you've heard of the Jolly Rock, of that I am sure
Go there and your loved ones will see you no more
 
Oh don't go to the Jolly Rock whatever you do
I wouldn't go near it if I were you
 
So away from the Jolly Rock I'd advise you to race
It's utterly appalling and not at all nice
Oh funny things happen there, it's such a disgrace
'Coz people get killed there all over the place!
 
Oh don't go to the Jolly Rock whatever you do
I wouldn't go near it if I were you
 
Oh ... the next verse is censored 'coz it's too horrible even to talk about!
 
Oh your blood will run cold and your heart fill with dread
'Coz the Jolly Rock is filled with the souls of the dead
If you stay there one night, you'll go clean off your head
And in no time at all you'll probably catch mumps ..... it doesn't even rhyme!
 
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
 
Another of the 'trapped with nowhere to go'-style episodes with few spectacular visuals or crazy guest stars, but a very humourous and well written script easily keeps things ticking over and provides many hearty laughs along the way.
 
RATING
 
IIII       Officially amazing
 
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
September Episode Summary –
Rome Antics
 
6. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #9
(by Linda Kay)
 
Issue 144
3rd March, 1973 No. 32
 
It was not uncommon for The Goodies to take two very different subjects and combine them in a unique and humorous way. Thus seemingly unconnected ideas, such as dog shows and Frankenstein ... Cinderella and the punk movement ... ballroom dancing and mafia wars, were incredibly transformed into interspersed gems of comic inventiveness.
 
Cor!! employed the idea of taking two separate entities and combining them into one in the comic we will review in this issue ... leading to a very unusual vacation experience for The Goodies indeed!
 
Header: THE GOODIES PROVIDE A REAL TONIC AT A HEALTH FARM!
 
The opening panel sees Bill, Tim and Graeme watching telly, specifically an advertisement or program featuring a beautiful blonde holding a (presumably) alcoholic drink with the words "Holidays 1973" in the background. A banner with the words "We Do Anything - Any Time!" is in the upper right hand corner of their office.
 
BILL: Holiday! We'll be lucky!
 
TIM: (eyeing a broken teacup sadly) This is the only break I've had! Gloom!
 
GRAEME: (looking at Tim with a scowl): Very funny - that's MY cup!
 
A man bursts into their office (oddly enough visitors always enter from the left instead of the right as they do in the series). He's an older, portly gentleman wearing a plaid jacket, knitted cap and swinging a walking stick / cane over his head. He looks excited and energetic. The TV screen is now showing a bikini clad woman wearing a cowboy hat standing in front of a hotel with "Wigan" above her. Tim is standing in the background smiling.
 
MAN: Goodies ... I've got a job for 'ee! I'd like 'ee to sample my HEALTH FARM HOLIDAY! I couldn't persuade any of they experts to come along!
 
BILL: Coo! Consider us picked ... YIPPEEEE!
 
The Goodies are seen exiting the boxcar of a cattle train (a not so happy looking bull is occupying a car behind theirs) with a blackface porter waving a flag and standing nearby. Bill is wearing a stocking cap and carrying a tennis racket and luggage. Tim and Graeme are also carrying suitcases and Tim has a bag of golf clubs on his back. The man is showing them off the train.
 
MAN: Here we are! This holiday will make new men of you!
 
BILL: When do we eat? Where's the bus to the farm?
 
Another far shot of the train yard sees tiny silhouettes of the Goodies and the man standing outside the station (identified by a sign as being in Upper Gumtree) as the train is pulling out. A couple of cows watch from a nearby pasture.
 
TIM: Where's the bus then?
 
MAN: Aaaar! There ain't no bus! We walk - only ten miles as the crow flies!
 
The Goodies start sprinting back to the train station in earnest. The man stands smiling behind them and a sheep watches from behind him.
 
TIM: "WALK TEN MILES? Not likely! When's the next train back?"
 
The Goodies are cut off by a shepherd wearing a long smock bearing the name "Pigswill Health Farm" and carrying a crook. He blows a whistle which prompts four sheep dogs to run circles around them. The Goodies huddle together nervously.
 
BILL: Eeek! Sheep dogs!
 
The Goodies are now being herded by the dogs to run, following the man (who is proceeding at what seems to be a leisurely pace for him) across the fields while the shepherd follows, continually blowing his whistle.
 
MAN: Only another FIVE MILES! Oi bet you feels better already!
 
FIVE MILES LATER:
 
They are at the Pigswill Health Farm, which looks like nothing more than a regular farmyard. The Goodies are herded into a pen with a sign above that reads "Reception Pens Book In 'Yur" and an arrow pointing down into the circular area. The shepherd slams the gate closed on them. They look completely knackered, Bill draped over one side of the fence and Graeme and Tim barely holding each other up. The dogs are sitting and panting happily outside the pen and the man stands nearby looking pleased.
 
MAN: We'll start right away to get you fit! First you must get rid of those thick, unhealthy
clothes .. !
 
An Aussie appears (complete with cork-adorned hat) wielding a large pair of shears. He grabs Bill by the back is his vest, lifting him slightly from the pen as Graeme and Tim watch apprehensively.
 
MAN: .. My sheep shearer from Australia will help you!
 
AUSSIE: Hi there, Cobbers!
 
BILL: GULP!
 
The Aussie straddles Bill and sets to work shearing him, starting with his trouser bottoms.
 
AUSSIE: (Singing) Tie me kangaroo down, Sport! Keep still, Cobber! I'm only shearing down to your vest and pants!
 
A dejected Bill, now wearing only a t-shirt and polka-dotted boxers, walks away from the pen, leaving a very nervous-looking Tim and Graeme to face the Aussie glowering over them.
 
AUSSIE: Right! Who's next?
 
The man is directing Bill with his walking stick to somewhere off panel.
 
MAN: Now ... how about a swim in the farm's outdoor pool?
 
A very buff looking jock wearing a life guard uniform abruptly pushes Bill into a large trough-like tub.
 
MAN: ... or as they call it here - the sheep dip!
 
LIFEGUARD: Come on, son! You'll enjoy yourself once you're in!
 
BILL: Ooomph!
 
All three Goodies have now been stripped down to their underclothes and duly dipped (Tim is just now climbing out of the tub) and stand waiting to see what will happen next.
 
MAN: Grub up in the kitchen, Goodies!
 
The Goodies race into the kitchen, arms outstretched, where they spy the cook holding up a carrot.
 
TIM: A CARROT! We're starving! Give ... give .. !
 
The cook throws the carrot to a waiting rabbit as Bill leaps hurdle-style over the table going after it (knocking the table over in the process).
 
COOK: Not so fast! Here we combine meals with a cross-country run! You have to catch that rabbit before he eats the carrot!
 
The Goodies are now running across the field after the rabbit and leap over a stone wall only to see the rabbit disappearing down a hole. Bill has dived head first over the wall, Graeme is leaping over it, his glasses flying off in the process, and Tim has fallen over the wall and face planted on the ground. A crow watches this from a fence post and a litter bin which says "Keep Britain Tidy" has a trail of garbage leading to it.
 
GRAEME: Oh, no! Please don't go down that hole, please!
 
BACK AT THE HEALTH FARM:
 
The Goodies return to the farm exhausted and barely able to walk. The man (with a chicken roosting on his head) awaits them at the gate.
 
TIM: Ooh! Gasp! I'm whacked!
 
GRAEME: All I want to do is sleep!
 
BILL: Where's our bedroom?
 
MAN: Over here, Goodies!
 
He leads them to a tall haystack where they have to climb a ladder to get on top. An owl watches with interest as they make the ascent.
 
MAN: Up you come! Bed down in the hay - you'll soon be asleep!
 
Now wearing their pajamas, Bill and Graeme are buried in the hay, but Tim is shooting out of the top of the haystack looking pained and clutching his rear.
 
MAN: (watching from the top of the ladder) Wow! Aren't you the lucky one! You've found the NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK! That means you've won an extra week's holiday ENTIRELY FREE! Your pals, too!
 
The Goodies race away from the health farm, still in their pajamas and with their luggage and accessories in tow (Tim's losing a golf club along the way).
 
TIM: AN EXTRA WEEK - no thank you!
 
BILL: It's not healthy!
 
GRAEME: It'll be a holiday to get back to work!
 
MORE ZANY FUN FROM OUR TV FUNSTERS IN NEXT WEEK'S COR!!
 
RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):
 
III - Goody goody yum yum.
 
A funny outing with some clever pokes at both holiday health farms and Australian sheep stations. However, in Goody terms this comic would be similar to one of their first season episodes, in which things *happen* to them instead of the humor originating *from* them. The Australian bloke who owns the health farm would be akin to one of the big name guest stars who literally steals the show while the Goodies stand around and react. Granted the situations they are subjected to are quite funny, but they are powerless in this particular piece, not responding in any way except to protest or run away. There is no opportunity for their characters to have any impact on the story whatsoever. If the jokes and situations weren't as humorous as they are, this would rate much lower. But the situation is a good one and deserves some merit on its own.
 
To view these strips online, you can now visit this page:
 
We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.
 
 
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor
(b) The Le Mans 24 Hour Race (for cars!)
(c) The Race
(d) The Little Laddies
(e) Shiny Shoes
(f) Ratatouille, as "We've run out of rats!" according to Graeme the punk waiter
(g) Willie Snot
(h) One of its legs
 
YOUR SCORE:
8    Mastermind of the Year
7    Goodies Fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0    Rolf Harris!
 
NEXT C&G EDITION: #81: 12th September 2002.
 
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2002. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
 
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>
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