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PLOT

The Goodies are engrossed in a quiet game of cards (with giant matches as the stake) when their rowdy doorbell goes off and a timid voice calls "Promise you won't panic?" A bumbling, inept police Sergeant enters, along with three other policemen, (which causes the Goodies to shout "The fuzz!", throw their cards and matches in the air and run around the office in a mad panic) and tells them to put their hands against the wall, which all of his troops do too (before they turn around, walk up behind the Goodies and tickle them under the arms). The Sergeant informs Tim that "it's just a …" before his mind goes blank and when Tim replies "A routine enquiry?", he babbles that he's innocent and has done nothing wrong.

The Sergeant takes a seat (as the Goodies sit the other three police on the floor, put bibs on them and give them each a bottle of juice) and reads the Goodies a letter (to sad violin music after he has begged them "Promise you won't laugh?") which details his own incompetence due to being afraid of criminals, which only makes the Goodies chuckle away uncontrollably in the background. The Sergeant needs the Goodies to help him boost his number of arrests (a mere "two" in 25 years as a policeman, as he holds up six fingers while saying it!) so that he can realise his ambition of being "Chief Inspector of MI5" in return for "two tons of certain substances and a weekly supply of dirty books", which greatly appeals to Bill!

Graeme devises "the most fiendishly cunning bank raid ever committed", but upon arriving at the bank (dressed like Mafia dons in black suits, white ties and dark glasses) and waiting in line, the Goodies have to continually tell the sergeant and his officers "Not yet!" and to wait until they have actually committed the crime before trying to arrest them. When the teller refuses to hand over to money, Graeme and Tim start to play 'The Godfather' theme ukulele-style on their violins and Bill passes his hat around the line of customers, but only raises 36p (which hardly makes the robbery worthwhile.) Graeme hurdles the bank counter (squashing several waiting cops in the process!) and sets to work cracking open the safe (as he twirls the lock like a radio dial through various stations until he gives a satisfied smirk when the theme tune of 'The Archers' rings out, only to be told to "Get on with it!" by an unimpressed Tim), but then finds that there is no money in the safe because the Sergeant has received a tip-off from someone about the robbery – from Graeme himself actually!

The Goodies settle on a cheque for 4 million pounds (personally written out by the Sergeant), then casually sidle out of the bank and easily evade the incompetent police who are laying in wait for them. As the Goodies make their getaway, several cops fall flat on their faces while trying to clobber them with batons from side alleys, a big cluster fall from a tree onto the ground below after the Goodies have gone past and some are lined up motionless in a patch of greenery like garden gnomes (before setting off in pursuit in the wrong direction), while a group of police on bikes have a big pile-up after they ride smack-bang into a lamppost in a narrow laneway, as a group of seven clueless coppers turn around to look for the suspects with the word "BAFFLED" spelt out across their backs.

Several days elapse before the Sergeant finally thinks about going to the Goodies' office to speak to them about the robbery and he finds that they have also swiped the Venus de Milo, the Crown Jewels and the Mona Lisa out of sheer boredom while waiting for him to 'arrest' them. He also finds that a puffy-cheeked Tim is now known as "The Goodyfather" and after he calls in the army (who fire a huge artillery shell into the back of his head from point blank range – "Ooh my head!") the Sergeant asks the Goodies "Please could I arrest you? Just one little bit?" and nabs them for not having a dog licence. This is chiefly because the Goodies don't have a dog in the first place, but the Sergeant asks them to accompany him to the station (because "I'm too frightened to go on my own!"), where he gets Tim to "squawk" rather loudly by pinching him on the bottom!

At the police station, the Goodies only get to see their lawyer briefly (as the "stupid" Constable opens the door for about a second to reveal an elderly lawyer, then closes it again, with the Sergeant remarking "Alright, you've seen him!") and are incriminated in an identity parade by a Mr Magoo-lookalike (who stares at a hirsute Bill and says "Oh no, I've never seen this young lady before!", then can't even find the exit door afterwards) with considerable help from the by-now corrupt Sergeant. The Goodies are thrown in Her Majesty's Strangemoor Scrubs prison and three years later, they all have long beards and are going "nuts, whole hazelnuts!" at the prospect of serving a 22 year sentence, especially Bill who goes off about the "grotty filthy little hole" that he finds himself stuck in.

A defensive Tim scolds Bill for talking in that manner about Her Majesty's prison ("If it was good enough for her, it's good enough for us!") and though Graeme scornfully dismisses the notion that the Queen ever stayed there, Bill points to evidence on the wall (a chalk drawing of a well-endowed Queen in a bikini with accompanying "Phil" and "E II R" love heart!) to suggest that "Ol' Foul Mouthed Phil" had been there at some stage for being a "naughty lad when he was in the Navy". Tim vows that if he is ever released he will see that Bill gets beheaded for this blasphemy, but Graeme finds that it really is Her Majesty's prison after all, as some hunting around reveals a royal wardrobe of naval clothing and crowns, a well-stocked wine bar, TV, dartboard (which Graeme tries out using the 'darts' from his prison outfit!) and a very regal-looking "Royal Flush" toilet complete with the family insignia on the cistern!

Bill sits on the toilet, although Tim yells at him to wait (with Bill's scornful reply being "Wait?! I've been waiting three years!"), pulls the chain and gets tipped up into the wall and outside the cell. Bill threatens to go back to the office to run the business on his own, but as Graeme points out, they can't have a business called 'The Goodies' being run by convicts, so he and Tim follow Bill via the toilet exit in a bid to escape from prison and clear their names. After trying many different ploys to disguise the heavy metal ball and chain that each of them wears around their ankles, the Goodies are eventually cornered by the prison guards and taken to court. The courthouse is run more like a boxing ring, as a spruiker announces the unpopular and criminal Goodies in the blue corner up against the "Prince of the police force" (the Sergeant, who is now Chief Inspector of MI5 with 5000 convictions to his name) in the red corner.

However the prosecutor Izzy Bent (who "weighed in at 125 pounds in police bribes") and the judge Justice Once are soon willingly replaced with Graeme and Bill respectively, much to the Chief Inspector's horror, as he bleats "Get back up there, you're being paid for this, it's not fair" to Justice Once (who happily sits on the sidelines in a snazzy cream suit with orange trimmings and makes interjections like "Tell it like it is, baby!" at intervals) Bill frequently wins sideshow prizes from the spruiker for his hefty thumps with the gavel (which ring a bell on a strongman-style gauge behind him) as he and Graeme rapidly dismiss the case against themselves and then prosecute the "nasty power-crazed loony" Chief Inspector instead. With the backing of a "totally unprejudiced" hippy jury, Tim accuses the Chief Inspector of being" a very naughty policemen" who has made an excessive number of convictions "for more pips on his shoulder and a free table at the Policeman's Ball" and suggests that he should punished by "having his botty soundly smacked and having his pips torn off!". The Chief Inspector apologises, but this stage, Bill has gone power-mad as judge and orders a sentence of "80 years in the clink", despite Tim's pleas for mercy. Bill then dishes out further hefty sentences (including 10 years each for Tim and Graeme, and 15 years for Justice Once for calling out "Shame!") before he finishes in auction style with an appropriately harsh sentence for Mary Whitehouse!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Graeme (upon opening the bank safe): "Hang on a minute. Where's the money?"

Sergeant (dopily): Oh, we took all the money out. We had a tip-off there was gonna be a big robbery. Hey wait a minute, it was you that told me!"

Graeme (exasperated): "I give up!"

Sergeant: "Oh don't give up, you mustn't do that! Here, how about a cheque?"

* Sergeant (at the Goodies' office): "Where's Tim?"

Bill (slaps Sergeant's face) "Nobody dares call him that anymore! You want to speak to the boss."

Sergeant: "Who's the boss?"

Bill: "Tim."

Graeme (slaps Bill's face): "Nobody dares call him that anymore! He means ... the Goodyfather!"

* Bill (getting carried away as judge): "... 30 (years) for Edward Heath, 40 for Mary Whitehouse"

Tim: "50!"

Bill: "Any advance on 50 for Mary Whitehouse!"

Graeme: "60!"

Bill: "Any advance on 60 for Mary Whitehouse?"

Tim: "69! ... "

CLASSIC SCENES

* The Goodies' bank robbery, including them all tripping on the bank steps while shuffling along in their Goodyfather outfits (having politely waited in the queue first), Tim and Graeme playing the Godfather theme on their violins (with Bill passing the hat around the customers when the bank refuses to give them any money) and Graeme accepting a cheque for 4 million pounds from the police sergeant (who is continually told "not yet" as his men try to arrest the Goodies before they have even committed the robbery!) Also their getaway consisting of an effortless gangster-style sidle along the footpath as baton-wielding cops fall down all around them then crash their police bikes into a lamppost while in pursuit.

* Bill seeking permission for "Sid" (as the Sergeant is wearing a big 'CID' badge at the time) to enter the office by sliding open a peephole and knocking on a photo of Graeme's face. Graeme then opens the door holding onto his nose, with the photo still visible in the peephole. Also later where the Goodies offer to "spill the beans and give him the dough", which is done literally, all over the Sergeant's head.

* The epic jailbreak with many clever visual gags, including the Goodies' escape over and through the prison wall using the heavy metal balls around their ankles in hammer-throwing (Tim), rugby conversion (Graeme) and shot put (Bill) fashion, their impromptu vaudeville show under the searchlight to the approval of the prison guards, getting their beards shaved by a bloke trimming his hedge and the various tricks to disguise their metal balls from the guards; such as schoolboys with balloons and soccer balls, Graeme in a woollen coat with a Dougal-dog look-alike, Tim as a pregnant lady and notably Graeme with a bustline that Dolly Parton would be most jealous of!

* Bill going mad with the power of being a judge and dishing out sentences galore, including 10 years for Graeme and Tim, 15 years for Justice Once, 25 years for the whole of MI5 and 40 years for Mary Whitehouse which sparks a frenzied auction bidding war ... 50 ... 60 ... 69 ...! Also him previously winning a stuffed bear, goldfish and golliwog for his energetic wallops with the gavel, until he finally fails to ring the bell with a lighter tap and dismissively comments "Oh well, can't win 'em all, can we?!"

GUEST STARS

Jack Douglas, Tommy Godfrey, Erik Chitty

GOODIES SONGS

Run (I'm Coming To Get You)

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Henson & Bedges Cigarettes

Longbow Cider

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

Plenty of good visuals and some nice sight gags, but few funny quotes and a weaker overall plot than the other episodes in the series. A similar theme to "Love The Police" in the Goodies' first series; again portraying the police as incompetent buffoons, but without very much belly laugh humour to back it up.

BLACK PUDDING RATING