Index
» 4/1 Camelot
» 4/2 Invasion Of The...
» 4/3 Hospital For Hire
» Special The Goodies...
» 4/4 The Stone Age
» 4/5 Goodies In The ...
» 4/6 The Race
THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES
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4/1 (#29) CAMELOT
PLOT
Tim awaits an important letter from his Uncle King Arthur (well, Arthur King at least!) who lives at Camelot (33 Acacia Road, Solihull!) along with Queen Doris, Uncle Sir Lancelot and several other royal relatives. Naturally Bill and Graeme think that Tim's uncle must be a loony, especially when the letter arrives as a parchment scroll delivered by several of the King's men ,who are politely told "We thank you. ... Push off!" by Tim.
Uncle King Arthur wants Tim to look after Camelot while the family goes on holiday, and particularly to save it from the local planner from Solihull, who wants to knock it down. The planner immediately enters the Goodies' office and tries to intimidate them into selling Camelot to him, so that he can use the land for a useless three-lane highway to the Buckingham Palace Cement factory! However, firstly Tim, then surprisingly Graeme, attempts a patriotic speech to 'Land Of Hope And Glory' about it being their duty to protect their heritage and defend Uncle King Arthur's property.
Tim has never been to visit his Uncle King Arthur ("Not likely, he's a raving loony!") but the Goodies are soon aboard their trandem and off to save Camelot. To their amazement, amid a street of ordinary houses, they find that number 33 is a huge medieval castle complete with moat and drawbridge. Uncle King Arthur and family leave Camelot for their holiday, as they don cloth caps and board the bus to exotic Bognor!
The Goodies cycle across the drawbridge and settle into Camelot. Graeme dresses in medieval gear, Bill wears his coat of arms and fishfingers (instead of a codpiece!) and Tim hams it up as court jester with gags from the 'Des O'Connor Book Of Medieval Jokes'. Graeme decides that the best way to save Camelot is to turn it into a tourist attraction and run it like it was in the middle ages, with everyone in medieval costume, then open up a chain of Camelots up and down the country if it's successful.
The tourists suffer all sorts of medieval mayhem and the money trickles in, but the pesky planner makes another substantial offer which sorely tempts Bill, before being evicted for not wearing medieval clothes. A huge fire-breathing dragon terrorises a distressed damsel, forcing the Goodies to venture outside the castle. Although Tim looks like a black and white minstrel after being scorched, the Goodies extinguish the flames to find that the dragon is only the planner's henchmen dressed up. The planner, now dressed medievally in a suit of armour, has sneakily managed to take possession of Camelot in their absence.
The Goodies are taken to the torture chamber by the planner (as it is quicker and much more fun than taking them to the County Court!) however the only way to decide possession of Camelot is to have a duel for it. After a closely fought battle which involves archery, swordsmanship, jousting etc, Ye Goodies reclaim Camelot by Graeme's use of a giant magnet to disarm - and disarmour - Ye Black Knight the planner and his henchmen just in time for the return of Uncle King Arthur and family. So Camelot is saved from the developers and can continue unchanged as in centuries past - except for the huge fluorescent 'Bingo Tonite' sign, which glows brightly on the raised drawbridge!
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Tim (as court jester): "Yes, hello, hi there folks. I've just come from entertaining an audience at the Wessex Working Burghers Club ... and right burghers they were too!"
* Tim (again as jester, with backing from Bill): "Once a knight, always a knight. Twice a night and you're doing all right!!"
* Graeme (waxing lyrical): "So noble Camelot was saved from treacherous disgrace, and once again the fearless knights cried proudly ... "
Bill (fed up): "Shut your face!!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* Tim playing the court jester with encouragement from Bill, who has already unloaded two dreadful jokes by wearing a coat of arms (with several extra ones sewn on!) and sporting a packet of fishfingers around his waist because he was out of codpieces. Other appalling puns and gags include "serf boards", rotating ears on Tim's hat, a flashing doll and Joan Of Arc having "a lot at stake!".
* The tour of Camelot, with a lady being subjected to all sorts of medieval activities including falling from a tower while being Rapunzel, being chased by a wild boar (which becomes a running joke throughout the scene), belting the tripe out of a fighting cock with her handbag, dancing with a bear, encountering medieval black and white minstrels, being dunked in water, getting pelted with fruit while in stocks - but getting some revenge by chaining the Goodies in the stocks and pelting them in turn - and finally enduring witch burning, requiring her to plunge into the moat to douse her smoking knickers. Her hubby is taking photos throughout this whole ordeal with his camera lens - and arm - getting longer and longer with each sequence until he eventually overbalances and topples into the moat too.
* The Goodies being tortured by the planner and his henchmen, with Bill finally realising his dream of being six feet tall after a stretching session on the rack, Tim just hanging around from shackles on the wall and Graeme having a live crab dropped inside his helmet, and finding it very tasty too! Tim is subjected to the "death of 1000 chuckles" by getting tickled with a feather duster and similar treatment even gets the skeleton chuckling away as well. The viewers are also tortured by more awful, but funny, puns involving red hot pokers and a potty with wicked spikes protruding from it - a "torture chamber"!
* The duel between Ye Black Knight - the planner - and Ye Goodies for the control of Camelot, including Bill's great archery and kebab-making talents, Graeme using the Excalibur sword - still embedded in a huge rock - which drops from a great height to KO the Black Knight just as he is about to be impaled, the jousting using the trandem, which the Goodies lose convincingly, Bill's Woody Woodpecker impersonation in chipping a tree branch from under the enemy and Graeme using a huge magnet to remove the weapons and armour from the Black Knight, but which also latches onto the bus bringing Uncle King Arthur and relatives back from their holiday.
GUEST STARS
Alfie Bass
GOODIES SONGS
Taking You Back
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Brilliant sendup of the medieval days, complete with gags as old as the English castles themselves! Especially enjoyable are the many funny visuals associated with the tour, torture session and the duel for the castle. A great start to a short, but memorable series.
RATING
IIII Officially amazing
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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GOODIES GALLERY
Tim receives a letter from his Uncle King Arthur
Uncle King Arthur's castle of Camelot
Bill and his coat of arms, and court jester Tim
Witch burning is one of the many fun activities
on the tour of Camelot
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