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» 2/8 Come Dancing
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2/1     (#8)     LOCH NESS MONSTER

(Scotland)

PLOT

The Goodies cruise along on their trandem and come across a man contemplating whether or not to jump off a bridge and end it all.  He climbs to the brink, then steps back several times over until Bill, true to the Goodies' 'anything, anytime' motto, gives him a helping hand and pushes him off the bridge into the river below.  Graeme and Tim do likewise to Bill, and after the chap brings Bill to shore, they attempt to find out the reason why he wants to kill himself.

Initially he is too ashamed to tell them, but eventually reveals that he is a zookeeper who is having trouble finding an exhibit for the Lord Snowdon Monster House, which is soon to be opened by royalty.  An attempt to create a monster by dressing four elephants in a budgie skin didn't work due to the problems in getting them to say "Who's a pretty boy!" hence his suicidal tendencies.

Tim fires up the gramophone and produces another stirring patriotic speech in which he promises that the Goodies will find a monster for the royal opening of the exhibit, spurred on by the lure of a possible OBE from the Queen!  After they realise that monsters can't be bought at pet shops, the Goodies set off to bonnie Scotland on the trandem in search of the famous monster of Loch Ness.

Despite an all-round observation post at the loch for several weeks, where they survive a close encounter with the bagpipes spider, shoot haggises and feed the ever-growing wild sporran population, there is still no sign of the monster.  They pay a visit to the Scottish Tourist Board, and wind up paying over and over again for all sorts of equipment and permits to catch the monster.  Tim's bait of dynamite only succeeds in blowing up the fish that he hooks, but the 'special monster bait' of sausages, cake and plonk works better.  He is rapidly dragged to the bottom of the loch, as he desperately holds his breath and clutches his umbrella.

Bill and Graeme (complete with glasses attached to his diving mask!) dive to rescue Tim and they reach the bottom swiftly thanks to extra-heavy helmets.  They find a tourist trap run by the same tourism operator that had previously ripped them off and see that Tim has been conned into buying a 'genuine' monster egg.  However all attempts to quiz him are immediately followed by a cry of "Don't answer that!!", as he struggles to hold his breath underwater.  Upon reaching the surface, the Goodies decide to pack it in, but find that they are riding on the back of the monster and getting nowhere.   They clobber it on the head with the egg, and carry it back to Cricklewood in a series of baskets on the back of the trandem, despite its furtive escape attempt into the ladies loo on the way home!

The zookeeper is delighted with the monster until a suggestion of mating it with a Russian monster is enough to pipe up a wee Scottish voice, and the tourism operator emerges from a zip in the fake Nessie's nether regions.  The Goodies do one final favour for the zookeeper and help him to jump from the bridge again, but then Tim's egg hatches unexpectedly.  A little Nessie then menaces Graeme, which causes the Goodies to yell "Come back!" to the drowning zookeeper!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Graeme (to Tim): "It's the giant bagpipes spider.  It's deadly!  Keep absolutely still.  One bite from that and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!"

* Tourist Operator (selling them equipment): "...cameras with special lenses for taking fuzzy, out-of-focus pictures ..."

CLASSIC SCENES

* The giant bagpipes spider crawling menacingly over a terrified Tim before Graeme blasts the wind out of it with a shotgun.

* Their attempts to prove that they are Scottish to the Tourist Board operator, including all sorts of Scottish clichés and a rousing rendition of Roamin' in the Gloamin' with a loud "MacHoots!" to finish.  The poor chappie watches the routine with a thoroughly incredulous look on his face, then mutters "Ye must be English tourists, 'ey!?"

* Upon asking the tourist operator if he had ever seen Nessie, he dims the lights and scares the daylights out of them with a fearsome story about the huge monster devouring its prey right before his very eyes.  He then puts the lights back on, picks his nose and remarks "Of course, I could have been mistaken!"

* When buying equipment, Tim not-so-bravely asks how to frighten Nessie away if she attacks them.  The tourism operator tells them that it's no good shouting "BOO!" as she is stone deaf, so he holds up a big sign with "BOO!" written on it.  If that doesn't work, he turns the sign around to show a photo of Andy Stewart, which frightens the hell out of the Goodies and would surely do the same to any self-respecting monster too!

* Various cameos including Bill being left in just his undies and a sporran after his diving suit explodes, Nessie almost devouring Graeme and the signwriter changing his 'humps' sign to a monster sign as the Goodies ride past with Nessie in tow.

GUEST STARS

Stanley Baxter, Bernard Bresslaw

GOODIES SONGS

Needed

The One That Got Away

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Beanz Meanz Heanz - "When I Grow Up"

Cheap Phone Calls

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A very good episode which gives a substantial serve to the Scottish language, dress, thriftiness and the mystery of the Loch Ness monster.  Not much classic dialogue, but some nice visual effects.

RATING

III            Goody goody yum yum

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM