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YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAD GOODIES FAN WHEN YOU …

(by Brett Allender)

(from C&G #128  July 2006)

And now for something completely different ... whoops, wrong show, sorry!

Now we all like to think of ourselves as keen Goodies fans, which must be true to a point, otherwise we wouldn't be reading (or in my case, editing) a ten page newsletter about The Goodies every month.

Many of us are no doubt guilty of slipping a Goodies expression (or several) into our everyday conversations, particularly when in the company of family or friends who are also Goodies fans. 

Such expressions may include "Well it is the work of a genius.", "I'm working well tonight" and "You know it makes sense.", complete with proper inflection, or perhaps short and sweet ones like "Knickers", "Ecky Thump" and even "I'm a teapot!".  Maybe it's paraphrasing such as "If only I had a (insert obscure item here) ... aah, here's one!" or just the chance to answer someone else's question with a clever-clogs remark such as "Will you miss me?" ... "Not if I aim carefully!" or "Was it going cheap?" ... "No it was going ERRRK!"

But when do you know that you've crossed the line between keenness and madness and become a fully-fledged Goodies nutcase, er devotee?  Maybe it's when you pass (or is that fail?) Doctor Garden's Funny Farm Official Loony Test in "The Goodies Book Of Criminal Records".  Or just maybe it's when you can relate to any of the scenarios (some that are real and some that are just plain silly!) listed below.

You know that you're a mad Goodies fan when you ... :

* Finish a tirade on any topic with a proclamation of "And now ... A Walk In The Black Forest!"

* Have a (very cold) household full of pets and they're all named Kenneth.

* Almost heave with revulsion when you accidentally stumble across a Max Bygraves CD in a music store, even though you've probably never actually heard him singing a song.

* Name your vacuum cleaner "EBGB" and if it gets stuck while vacuuming, you yell "Keep up. Don't answer back!" at it and whack it with the nozzle just like Graeme did.

* Respond to the sound of any Rolf Harris song or TV appearance with a regal-sounding command of "Off with his didgeridoo!"

* Bop someone over the head with a cardboard tube for the hell of it while uttering a menacing cry of "Ecky Thump!"

* Show the Goodies gender education film "How To Make Babies By Doing Dirty Things" to your kids when they inevitably ask those tricky questions.(that'll confuse the little blighters!)

* Can't put on a pair of leather "shiny shoes" without singing the catchy song, doing the crazy dance and hoping that there are no aggro punk grannies ready to throw fairy cakes at you!

* Fear learning to play the trombone just in case the aliens grab you by the UFOs (ouch!)

* Carefully listen to anyone performing "There Is Nothing Like A Dame" at the theatre to see if they're a real sailor and can hold that last note OK.

* Finish every sentence with a "beep" when talking on the phone to a fellow Goodies fan ... eg "What!! Beep", "You little creep! Beep."

* Wonder if your arsenic has been poisoned!

* Start doing Tim's "I'm a teapot" routine at the first sign of trouble in the hope that the source of trouble will think that you're a loony and leave you alone in preference for someone else who looks a bit more sane!

* Long for some of Graeme's Magic Elixir when you're feeling crook, especially as we all know that it cures "sunburn, heartburn and Tony Blackburn!" among other things.

* Wait in anticipation during "Sound Of Music" for Julie Andrews to come singing and dancing down the hillside, arm-in-arm with the children, then suffer a complete letdown when she doesn't cop an Indian's arrow in her chest!  Cue the same feeling of disappointment when watching a ballet company perform "The Nutcracker" ... where's Bill and his big set of pliers when you need him!

* Instantly blurt out "Lavatory Meadows" when someone else mentions W.C.Fields, which gets an interesting reaction if they're not a fellow Goodies loony.

* Play cards with sugar cubes and slices of toast (no hidden toasters allowed!) and have a showdown with tomato sauce squirters to decide the winner.

* Refer to your alcoholic beverage or soft drink of choice as "turps for burps".

* Build a new investment property with no doors and windows so that the squatters can't move in. (You've thought of everything!)

* Enjoy Muffin The Mule, even though you can get arrested for it!

* Have the same routine at 6:45 every Thursday evening for the last 16 years – "trousers off, nothing to replace them, rustle rustle, into the mack" – you're off to see Brown Owl, aren't you, you shameless hussy!

* Enjoy doing Eddie Waring impressions (or at least an impression of Graeme's Eddie Waring impression!) despite poor Eddie being dead for about 20 years.

* Wear carrot undies, crutch-crushing jeans, buttonless shirt and a bathplug to the disco and even indulge in a spot of mixed dancing (shock, horror).

Anyone got any more?  I'm sure that you have, being fellow Goodies loonies and all.  Send them in to clarion@goodiesruleok.com and our distinguished panel of judges will award the first prize of a night out with me (your shout!).  Second prize is a night out with Tony Blackburn.  And third prize is two nights out with Tony Blackburn, so who says that we don't encourage excellence!  So please send in your own ideas for "You know that you're a mad Goodies fan when you ..." and we'll print them in future C&Gs.  Go on, you know it makes sense!