Index

» Introduction
» Tempting Targets
» Loony Logic
» Wacky Wordplay
» Ratty Rants
» Crazy Concepts
» Wise Words
» All Quotes

CRAZY CONCEPTS

71* Graeme (suggesting a new name for Venom bedtime drink): "Sleepy bo-boes. Then whenever anybody says 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes...'"

Bill: "Nobody ever says 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes!!'"

Graeme: "I do!"

Bill: "What?!"

Graeme: Every night, as soon as I brush my toothy-pegs and put on my piggy-jim-jams, I say 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes'. Everybody does!"

(1/2 Snooze)

72* Tim (as Radio Goodies DJ): "Yes friends, that was number 1 on the Goodies hit parade, and incidentally numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 ... A Walk In The Black Forest!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

73* Graeme (to Tim, who is being menaced): "It's the giant bagpipes spider.  It's deadly!  Keep absolutely still.  One bite from that and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!"

(2/1  Loch Ness Monster)

74* Graeme: "August Bank Holiday Island!  Where's that?"

Minister of Sport: "Between Easter Island and Christmas Island!"

(2/2  The Commonwealth Games)

75* Bill: "It is Mrs Carthorse, isn't it ?"

Mrs Carthorse: "Yes."

Bill (inquisitively): "What does your husband do ?"

Mrs Carthorse (huffily): "He keeps his distance!"

(2/11  Gender Education)

76* Dr.Petal: "Nobody loves me ... except for my pet vulture Lucretia.  She only stays with me because she knows I left her something in my will."

Bill: "What have you left her?"

Dr Petal (creepily): "Me!!"

(2/13  Double Trouble)

77* Tim: "I am going to get married."

Graeme (shocked): "What!? Who to?"

Tim: "The Honourable Lady Amanda Barrington Phipps Ponsonby Ponsonby Paddington Waterloo Charing Cross Crewe Alexandra Accrington Stanley Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Tich Carruthers Carruthers Smythe Junior.  Known to her friends as Big Knockers"

Graeme: "Is she pretty?"

Tim: "Pretty?  Hmph!  She's hideous!  She is Horsewoman Of The Year - more horse than woman, but then ... looks aren't everything and in her case they're nothing!  We're gonna get married and breed horses!"

Bill (incredulously): That's impossible!"

Tim: "You haven't seen her!"

(3/2  Hunting Pink)

78* Sergeant Major Bullcock: "In this school we have no sex and no smoking ... so if you could spare us a pack of fags and a dirty book, we'd be very grateful."

(3/6  Way Outward Bound)

79* Graeme (about the rocket, talking in correct space protocol by finishing each communication with a beep): "Well I don't know how the ruddy thing works, do I ? ... beep"

Tim & Bill (inside the rocket, in unison, shocked): "WHAT!! ... beep!"

Graeme "Well, you can't expect me to know everything ... beep"

Bill (annoyed): "You little creep! ... beep!"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

80* Bill: "I used to have a pet rabbit once, you know, when I was a little kid, and at no stage did he ever strap me to the couch and stick carrots in my ears!"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

81* Big Bunny: "You will return to Earth as our spokesmen.  So now you must learn the only bunny talk that humans will respect"...."watch and copy.  Say it after me.  'Nyaaah.  What's up Doc!'"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

82* Graeme (reading from the Giant's Book Of Tasty Recipes): "Shepherds pie. First peel two shepherds ..."

(Special – The Goodies And The Beanstalk)

83* Bill (in pain, after reaching into their new pet dog Rover's long hair): "It bit me!"

Tim: "Can't have, that's the wrong end!"

(5/5  Frankenfido)

84* (the Welsh Rugby team are singing a song about "four and twenty virgins")

Bill (horrified): "Please, please, please ... (covers Tim's ears) ... that song ... honestly ... it's not holy!"

Reverend (indignantly): "Not holy!  It's about flippin' virgins, isn't it?  You can't get much holier than that!"

(5/4  Wacky Wales)

85* Graeme (putting a dog into the breeding basket, which contains an elephant): "Here you are darling, in you go.  Close your eyes and think of Crufts!"

(5/5  Frankenfido)

86* Bill (laughs): "God blimey, how about Stonehenge?!  What a waste of money that was.  Two thousand years it's stood there ... still doesn't fly!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

87* The kinky Roman Emperor (after one of his countrymen has thrown a carrot at him): "Who threw that?!  Was that you?  Cheeky!" (… and later after catching a zucchini) "Was that you again?  Was it?!  (chuckles)  Like it!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

88* Bill (enthusiastically): "I'm gonna write music ... music from my heart, music that's in my blood, gut music, music you can feel in your intestines, sounds that grab your giblets, rhythm that sends you tapping your bowels, swinging your pancreas, bursting your bladder!!"

Graeme (revolted): "I'm gonna be sick!"

Bill: "Just wait 'til you hear the music!"

(6/2  Hype Pressure)

89* Tim (on the fate of Graeme in the year 2001 and a bit): "I'm afraid he went a couple of years later.  He was put away for having an unnatural relationship with his computer!"

(6/6  2001 And A Bit)

90* Tim (reading out the revised scouting badges): "Or you can go for your Wig Spotters badge ...(incredulously)  WIG SPOTTERS?!"

(and a little later …)

Bill (enthusiastically): "I'm going for my Cheering Up Lonely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work badge!"

(7/3  Scoutrageous)

91* Park Warden (announcing into megaphone): "All right, you druids.  Time's up.  Druids off.  Have you druids got no homes to go to?!  It's flasher's hour as from now, 9 o'clock.  Come on you flashers, let's have you!"

(8/2  U-Friend Or UFO)

92* Graeme: "Ah, but have you got any real proof (of Arthur C.Clarke's existence) - footprints, close encounters, droppings?!"

Tim (frustrated): "Typical scientific narrow mindedness.  Just because I can't produce a little heap of 'naughty Arthur' on a shovel!"

(9/3  Bigfoot)