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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #22  -  A MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS DUCK

(from C&G #107  October 2004)

Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.  This is the first time that we've had one for the best part of 1 year, 7 months, 4 days ... a hell of a long time anyway, but we intend to once again make them a part of the C&G occasionally, just for a bit of variety!

WHO?

We were planning to cross to the headquarters of the Endangered Species Club for this review of "A MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS DUCK" by The Goodies from your daffy DJs Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay), as seeing that ducks (and stupid annoying DJs) aren't exactly endangered species, we figured that they would be left well alone by Tim, Graeme and their fellow gun-toting loony hunter friends.  However seeing as Bill has locked all of the endangered species up in a big box and they've all gone and eaten each other, the prospect of "eating bloody sparrow sandwiches" for the next six months has the hunters taking pot shots at everything that moves, including themselves and each other.  There's now about as much movement at the Endangered Species Club as there is among the audience at a Max Bygraves concert (not counting the movement of the men in white coats who are busily carting away anyone who hasn't fallen asleep or made a mad dash for the exit after the first few seconds) so rather than ducking our responsibilities we'll waddle over to the "Quackerjack" studio instead for the following review.

WHERE? WHEN?

"A Man's Best Friend Is His Duck" can be heard on the 1970's albums "The Goodies Beastly Record" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", and also on a single along with "Taking My Oyster For Walkies"

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Graeme, with backing from Tim

Many's the time I've felt lonely (Ohhh)

Many's the time I've felt sad

But now I have found a companion

The best pal that I've ever had

Oh who is it carries the papers

When I take him for romps in the park (Ah, your grandfather!)

Who comes when I whistle, who sits when I say

And who doesn't whimper or bark

Yes, a man's best friend is his duck (His what?!)

Oh a duck will bring you good luck

Oh I don't want a budgie who says naughty words (Get stuffed!)

And I don't take to titmice [squeak] or hummingbirds (Hmmm)

And a hen can do nothing but cluck (Cluck cluck)

No, a man's best friend is his duck

[spoken:]  What is a duck?  A duck is fidelity with feathers.  A watchdog with webbed feet.  A duck is strong, even when wet.  And when you come home after a hard day being nibbled by vultures, something will run down the path to meet you.  Something who cares.  Your duck.  And as you settle into your armchair, she'll climb up on your knee, and as she lays her head on your shoulder, and lays her egg in your hand, she'll stick her beak in your ear and whisper softly [Quack].  And you'll know, you'll know you love her, you'll know because she's your old duck.

Oh a man's best friend is his duck (Quack quack)

A duck is well known for its pluck (Quack quack)

If a burglar breaks in, it'll chase him back (Ooh 'eck!)

And scare him away with a spine chilling [Quack]

'Cos you can get a very nasty suck [slurp]

If you muck about with a duck (Quack quack)

A man's best friend is his duck (All together now)

Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, quack quack

Oh a man's best friend is his duck

WHY?

(Peaches Stilletto): Waddle they think of next?  At last, the long-time misconception about what animal is man's best friend is set straight in this jaunty tune. You could search the whole wide world web (that would be quite a feat ... web feat?) and not come up with a song that so adequately fills the bill. It's about time our finest-feathered friend, the duck, was given the respect it truly deserves. After all, the duck has a long-standing history in comedy ... from the Marx Brothers' movie, "Duck Soup," to Joe Penner's classic line "You wanna buy a duck?" to the Secret Word duck in Groucho's "You Bet Your Life," not to mention classic cartoon ducks such as Donald (and his extended family, Scrooge McDuck plus Huey, Dewey and Louie), Daffy Duck (and his classic Duck Dodgers incarnation), Baby Huey (who would scare anyone away with his looks, let alone his quack!) and even more recent duck stars like Darkwing Duck, Dynamo Duck (anyone remember him?) and Duckman. Anyone who isn't down with this song is just blind. It's a quacking good number and beats "Disco Duck" all to ... well, I won't get myself ruffled.

(Emperor Caligula): One of the nifty benefits of Graeme being a loony scientist was that he didn't have to waste his time wandering down to the pet store to find his perfect animal companion.  A few shovelfuls of growth hormones to tiny Twinkle or the borrowing of Nicholas Parsons' brain and Yul Brynner's hair (or was that the other way around?!) and a few other bits and pieces and he invariably had a nice, if not so little, pussy cat or puppy dog to be his furry friend.  However it seems as though good ol' Graybungles has cast aside Kitten Kong and given Frankenfido the flick in favour of ... shock, horror ... a duck!  Maybe he needs to see a quack (next appointment after me!) because this duck isn't even a giant-sized one, doesn't lay golden eggs like the geese in Beanstalk and probably even has some rather dodgy personal hygiene habits like Bill's dodo, not to mention its nasty suck if you muck about with it.  Ah well, it's quite a nice rollicking, old-fashioned music hall-style tune and at least if the Endangered Species Club decide to take up duck hunting instead, then Graeme will have plenty of nice soft feathers for his pillow, though this prospect could get him a little down in the mouth (boo hiss!)

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Rating System:

III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Peaches Stiletto)

III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Emperor Caligula)

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.