» Elephant Joke Song
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #39 – ELEPHANT JOKE SONG
(from C&G #163 – June 2009)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
Following their last music review of "Baby Samba", your delinquent DJs Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) and Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) had worked up such a thirst from all of that dancing, maracca shaking and "poochy poochy pooing" (of their nappies!) that they could no longer wait for their boring old mothers to stop gasbagging in the supermarket, so they decided to run amok in the lemonade aisle instead. Peaches drank a sufficient amount to ensure that the next time baby Bill squeezes her while singing "Nappy Love', she won't just go wee-wee on the floor – it'll be more of tidal wave proportions! Meanwhile the Emperor guzzled so much that the inevitable resulting monster burp lifted him clean up through the supermarket roof and off into orbit, almost as if he'd been grabbed by the UFOs (ouch!). So while we're waiting for a lunar (and loony) report from Big Bunny on this gross invasion of his astrobunny airspace, we'll cross over to the Big Top Circus and your Dumbo-eared DJs with their music review of "THE ELEPHANT JOKE SONG" by The Goodies.
"Elephant Joke Song " can only be heard on the 70s album "The Goodies Beastly Record"
Lyrics: sung by all three Goodies as credited.
(Elephant joke, elephant joke, I wanna wanna wanna hear an elephant joke. Elephant joke, elephant joke, I wanna wanna wanna hear an elephant joke.)
B: Alrighty alrighty, here's one for starters. Whadda ya get when you cross an elephant with a mouse? G: I dunno. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse? B: Ruddy great holes in the skirting board!
(Elephant joke, elephant joke, tell a tell a tell another elephant joke.)
T: Now here's one. B: Yeah? T: What was the elephant doing on the M1? G: What was the elephant doing on the M1? T: About two and a half miles an hour. Hee hee hee.
G: Hey man, why do elephants never forget? B: I dunno. Would you tell me please why elephants do never forget? G: 'Cos nobody ever tells them anything! B: Oh that's a shame, ain't that a shame? G: But don't tell the elephants that!
T: I wasn't thinkin' of doin' it! Now tell me, what time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? B&G: Time to get a new fence!
(Elephant joke, elephant joke, tell a tell a tell another elephant joke. Elephant joke, elephant joke, tell a tell a tell another elephant joke.)
T: Now William, I's gonna set you a little elephant test. B: I's ready. T: I want a joke concerning an elephant … B: Yes. T: …And a Volkswagon car. B: A Volkswagon car and an elephant … oh, I've got one! How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagon car? T: I dunno. How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagon car? B: Two in da front and two in da back! Hee hee! T: Mind you, it has to be a big Volkswagon. B: A helluva big Volkswagon!
G: Hey man, why are elephants wrinkled? T: I dunno, why are they wrinkled? G: Have you ever tried ironing one?! B: Matter of fact I have! Ironing one, ironing one, I tried that!
T: Hey now, how does an elephant get down from a tree? B: I dunno, how does an elephant get down from a tree? T: He stands on a leaf and he waits til Autumn, ah ha ha! Incidentally I's wanted to ask you, why are crocodiles flat? B I dunno, why are crocodiles flat? T: 'Cos they keep walkin' under the trees in Autumn, that's why! B: And the elephants fall on them, ha ha! T: You got it!
G: While remaining unconvinced about the gist of your argument, I guess I have to enquire … but, how come the elephant gets up in the tree in the first place? B: Hmm that's a good question. How come the elephant gets up in the tree in the first place? T: To be perfectly honest, he didn't mean to get up in the tree in the first place. B: No? T: He just sat on an acorn and he fell asleep. B: And it grew and grew … T: For a long time!
B: I'll tell ya, this is a good one. Why do elephants, why do African elephants, that is, have big ears? T: I dunno. Why do African elephants, that is, have big ears? B: 'Cos Noddy would not pay the ransom … Big Ears! T: That's a good one. B: That's a good one!
(Elephant joke, elephant joke, tell a tell a tell another elephant joke.)
T: Now tell me … B: Yes? T: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? B: Man, that's a weird question! Tell me, why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? T: So they can hide upside-down in the custard! G: Ohh, now you gone too far! I ain't ever seen no elephant hiding upside-down in the custard! T: Well that just shows what a good disguise it is, doesn't it! G: Oh I guess it does!
B: Yeah it surely does. Now listen, I want you to concentrate, this is very very hard. I want you to tell me … What is grey, what has four legs and a trunk? T&G: Let me see now, what is grey? B: Grey T&G Has how many legs? B: Four. T: Not three legs? B: Not three. T&G: Oh four, four legs! G: And a trunk. B: And a trunk. What is grey, has four legs and a trunk?
(Elephant joke, elephant joke, I wanna wanna wanna hear an elephant joke.)
T: I dunno, I give up. What is grey, has four legs and a trunk? B: A mouse … going on a holiday! Hee hee!
(Mouse joke, mouse joke, we've run out of elephant jokes. Mouse joke, mouse joke, I wanna wanna wanna hear a mouse joke.)
G: A mouse with a trunk, that is. T: A grey mouse. B: Absolutely … Hey you didn't think it was an elephant, didya?! G: Who, me?! (conversation fades as background chant continues)
Okay, here's one: what's grey, has four legs and is the most maligned creature on the planet? It seems that while jokes about certain subjects are strictly taboo these days, no one thinks twice about making fun of perpetually persecuted pachyderms. The controversy surrounding the episode "South Africa" and the use of the "N" word in the episode "Black and White Beauty" should pale in comparison with what has to be the most outrageous, flippant and non-PC compilation of elephant jokes ever assembled on the face of the planet. Elephants are majestic creatures which should demand nothing less than our utmost respect. To make them the butt of such poor jokes should not only be denounced, it should be flat-out criminal! Shame on you Bill, shame on you, Tim, and shame on you, Graeme, for demeaning such beautiful animals in the name of cheap laughs! Apart from that, the song is brilliant.
For a start, ivory much doubted that a song about elephant jokes would pack a derm … er, punch rather. I mean, three guys using Rastafarian-style accents (Bill actually sounds more like Rastus Watermelon from "The End" for that matter!) to trumpet a collection of rather saggy baggy daggy jokes about our flappy-eared friends has just got to be a load of mumbo-jumbo, right! Well, rather like one of those nine doctors that recommends eating Sunbeam sliced bread to avoid being squashed by elephants, you can call me a loony if you like - that's a big chorus of "You're a loony", but did anyone hear it? The elephant herd for starters! Maybe it's the same elephant that was in my bathtub with me last night … I knew that it was there by the smell of peanuts on its breath. And it had also been in my refrigerator … I could tell by the footprints in the butter. Actually it was a female because she was wearing a glass slipper … her name was Cinderellaphant! Luckily she wasn't a hooker though or she'd have been a two ton pickup. And thankfully I was able to stop her jealous boyfriend from charging … by taking away his credit card! (Hoo boy!) It might be time for some mouse jokes now, but firstly I'll use the peanuts that I get paid to make a trunk call to cast my vote for this very enjoyable (if rather silly) reggae-flavoured song.
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIIII Superstar (Peaches Stiletto)
IIII Officially Amazing (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' Pikelets.