» Apr 2008
* THE GOODIES FAN CLUB CLARION AND GLOBE *
* THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK!' *
Issue No. 149 12th April 2008
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
- Brett Allender <email@example.com>
- Lisa Manekofsky
FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR
- Denise Baran-Unland
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEWER
- Linda Kay
- Alison Bean, Daniel Bowen, Ratdog, Wackywales, Sosia, Iain McCrae, punheaven, Brian Labza
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #7 – Goodies In Love
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #34 – The Cricklewood Shakedown
7. FEATURE ARTICLE – A Record Or An Outstanding Ben Endeavour
8. GOODIES WORDFINDER SOLUTION – from C&G 148
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Any fool could see that. And I did."
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Which product is he proudly marketing?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Scatty Safari"
(d) Which celebrities wander across the road in front of the Goodies' van, forcing them to rapidly hit the brakes?
(e) Which theme music accompanies Tony Blackburn's run for freedom across the meadow?
(f) What is the same name of the three Australian ladies that the Goodies encounter?
(g) Why is Little Rolf hardly ever sighted by the visitors to the Safari Park?
(h) How many OBEs does The Queen offer to whoever rids her land of the plague of Rolfs?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
ASK A GOODIE QUESTION
As a feature article for our upcoming 150th edition of the Goodies Clarion & Globe in May, we're pleased to announce that our resident Goodies Tim and Graeme are willing to answer further questions from fan club members as they have kindly done for us on several occasions in the past. So if you've got some questions about The Goodies, ISIHAC or Tim and Graeme's solo projects that you'd like to receive a genuine Goodie answer to, please send them in to email@example.com by April 20th at the latest.
Questions can also be sent to the Goodies-l mailing list or posted in the relevant thread of the club forums.
Last month's poll was a close-run event with the judges almost having to call for a photo finish until a few last-minute patriotic votes got Tim over the line. No such photo was required for last place though, with Rolf and his rotten paintings finishing at the tail of the field. We'd better get some of his Granny's Bristo Gravy Mix and put him out of his misery!
Which Goodies-themed interior design would you choose for your home?
- Tim's Union Jack & Royalist designs 63 votes
- one with Graeme's scientific devices 60 votes
- Bill's casual scruffpot style 30 votes
- Rolf Harris wall paintings 20 votes
This month we've got an interesting hypothetical question which we'd dearly like to become reality some day soon:
Would you want to see a new version of "The Goodies" with Tim, Graeme & Bill, even if it had to be done in a different format/media due to physical limitations?
- yes, in any form
- yes, on television
- yes, on radio
- yes, as an animated show
- only if Rolf Harris was involved
Would a radio version work without the wacky visual gags? Would a cartoon version with the three Goodies providing the voices be satisfying? Would you just be happy to see or hear new Goodies material in any format at all? Take a trip to paradise and stop off at our website along the way to cast your vote. You know it makes sense!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month:
A RECORD OR AN OBE
(Lisa Manekofsky – 13th & 20th Mar)
Just a reminder that the black comedy "A Record or an OBE", which is about a fictional version of Tim Brooke-Taylor & Graeme Garden, is playing at the 2008 Adelaide Fringe Festival through this Sunday, March 16th. It's been getting excellent review from the GROK members who have seen it.
A RECORD OR AN O.B.E. REVIEWS
Adelaide Fringe 2008
In an attempt to forget momentarily about Adelaide's record-breaking mega heatwave I went to the ironically named Fridge theatre at the Old Balfour's Factory the other night to see Shaolin Punk's "A Record or an O.B.E.", a short play imagining how Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden might have coped if Bill Oddie had quit The Goodies in 1975.
After initial anger and concern at what has happened Tim and Graeme decide to remain The Goodies and together plot a series for two, with a storyline more
ludicrous than ever before. But the new series proves less than successful and Graeme, who wrote the series on his own, supervised the music (on the banjo) and played both himself and a ghost in the show, has a nervous breakdown and runs away to the country, while Tim frets about his future career and demands Graeme write him a new series. Meanwhile Bill, who achieved initial success with his first concept album and struggled with a follow-up, fails dismally with the third. Fortunately neither Goodies' career is over, but it will never be quite the same.
Rob Lloyd and Ben McKenzie who play Tim and Graeme respectively are excellent in their roles, wisely choosing neither to impersonate Brooke-Taylor and Garden or adopt British accents. The script by Ben McKenzie is intelligently written and funny, using much Goodies-style humour. And while it is full of references to various aspects of The Goodies (including a mid-show Beanz Meanz Heanz ad break) and other British comedians of that era (the Python team, Neil Innes) the show is mercifully not fan fiction. The drama of a comedy team torn apart and the subsequent farce as they try to carry on could easily appeal to those who haven't seen the original.
If you get the chance to see the show in Adelaide or Melbourne, go. And here's hoping it tours to other Australian cities and beyond.
Melbourne Comedy Festival 2008
(Brian Labza – 11th Apr)
If any GROK or list members are in Melbourne Australia, I can recommend you go along to see "A Record or an OBE" at the Comedy Festival - it finishes this Sunday 13 April. I saw it last night and it is very clever. I can only wish the fictional episode they concoct on stage was actually made!
It is on at 6.30 pm nightly and runs for 30 minutes - an extra show is scheduled for 11 PM Friday 11 April (tonight!) at the same venue.
Details and reviews at:
(Daniel Bowen – 19th Mar)
(Lisa Manekofsky – 20th Mar & 6th Apr)
Thanks to RatDog for letting us know that The Comedy Channel (Australian Pay TV) is again repeating series 1 of "The Goodies". According to the Comedy Channel website , episodes are scheduled for next Tuesday-Thursday (March 25-27) at 11:30am.
Tuesdays-Fridays - "The Goodies" series 2 is being repeated by The Comedy
Channel in Australia at 11:30am daily. Details about upcoming episodes can
APEING THE GOODIES
(Daniel Bowen – 23rd Mar)
Was amused to hear the use of The Funky Gibbon on the start of this ABC Radio programme on apes and their relationship to humans.
LWT SERIES GOODIES DVD COMING TO AUSTRALIA
(Brian Labza – 8th Apr)
Australian GROK members will be interested to note that the LWT Goodies DVD is to be released shortly in R4 (Australia).
It appears to be identical to the R2 DVD - the photo is of the R2 DVD.
GOODIE GOODIE YUM YUM!
My sister was kind enough to make me a Goodies birthday cake for my 40th last Feb. Thought everyone might like to see it. I was surprised and delighted when it was unveiled.
4. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <email@example.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio and tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-l mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
** (All items in this section contributed by Lisa Manekofsky, except where otherwise credited) **
* The listing for the March 27th edition of "That Mitchell and Webb Look" (on BBC 2 at 21:00) says it will include a sketch about "Why has the UN decided unanimously to declare war on Bill Oddie?"
* Mon, 24 Mar - "The Truth about Killer Dinosaurs" presented by Bill is being repeated at various times on UKTV Documentary and UKTV Documentary Plus 1 - please consult your local listings.
* Sat, 29 Mar - "Animal Hospital - The Big Story", in which Bill is one of the celebrity fans recalling their favorite moments from the show, is repeated on BBC Prime at 14:00.
* Sun, 30 Mar & Mon, 31 Mar - a past series of "Springwatch" with Bill Oddie is repeated on UKTV Gardens from 17:00 to midnight on Sunday and starting in the morning on Monday. Please consult your local listings for details.
* Fridays - "Bill Oddie's Wild Side" is getting a repeat run on BBC 1 early Friday mornings. According to the current listings the next two repeats are scheduled for 2:00am on 28 March and 2:55am on 4 April. However, please consult your local listings to confirm the times.
* According to an article on The Press Association's website, Bill's daughter Rosie has been photographed for the new issue of Harper's Bazaar magazine.
* BBC 7 is again repeating the first series of "The Right Time" on Sundays; Graeme appeared in some episodes of this sketch comedy series which originally aired on BBC Radio 4 in 2001. The first episode aired this past Sunday (March 9th) but is still available from Listen Again at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/networks/bbc7/aod.shtml?bbc7/right_time
BBC 7 can be heard worldwide via the interview from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7. Each episode will be available from Listen Again for a week after broadcast.
* In other Garden family news, BBC News announced that Graeme's son John will be co-writing the songs for a musical version of "Tales of the City" (Armistead Maupin's chronicle of life in 1970s San Francisco) along with Scissor Sisters band mate Jake Shears. The article can be found at http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7295935.stm
* TBA - ITV began airing "Agatha Christie's Marple" Series 3 a few months ago; Graeme has a cameo appearance in the episode entitled "Nemesis". The exact date for this episode hasn't been announced yet; keep an eye out for the broadcast. A preview of the episode (in which Graeme appears) can be seen at http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/mystery/nemesis/
* Weds, 9 Apr - "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" is a repeat of the series 1 episode with Graeme. It'll be shown on Dave at 11:30 and 16:30; Dave Plus 1 repeats each episode an hour later.
* date TBD - "Would I Lie To You?" - Thanks to punheaven for noting that Graeme is scheduled to appear in an upcoming episode of this panel show.
* The second series of "The Right Time" is making it's premiere on BBC 7 (it was originally broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in 2002). Graeme is among the performers in the series. The show will air Sundays at 10.30pm and 3.30am on BBC 7 which can be heard online from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 ; each episode is available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again.
"The works of British comedy legends Terry Jones, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam and others are being published on iTunes, with the recent additions of "At Last the 1948 Show" and "Do Not Adjust Your Set". The comedies also featured the talents of Marty Feldman, Tim Brooke-Taylor, and David Jason, and both shows led to the creation of Monty Python's Flying Circus."
* Mon, 24 Mar - "The Frost Report is Back!" on BBC 4 from 21:00 to 23:00 should include a contribution from Tim. Here's a listing - "A celebration of the satirical comedy sketch series The Frost Report, which won the prestigious Golden Rose of Montreux in the 1960s. Hosted by Sir David Frost, it was highly influential and proved to be the launch pad for the likes of Ronnie Barker, Ronnie Corbett, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Sheila Steafel. Featuring rare archive skits, interviews with many of the old team and a complete showing of the award-winning show Frost Over England."
* Mon, 31 Mar - "Legends" is a profile of Marty Feldman. The show, which will air on BBC 4 from 21:00 to 22:00 (repeated at 2:30am Tues, 1 Apr) will feature contributions from Tim as well as John Cleese, Michael Palin, and David Frost. This is followed by an episode of "It's Marty Feldman" (whose cast included Marty, Tim, and John Junkin). Thanks to Wackywales & Sosia for posting this info in the club's forums.
* Saturdays - "Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor" on Discovery Real Time Extra. Two episode are being repeated from 21:00-22:00 each week.
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
* Saturdays - "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again", on ABC Radio National at
5:30. This 1960's sketch comedy series starred with all three Goodies plus
John Cleese, Jo Kendall, & David Hatch (info at
5. A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #7 – GOODIES IN LOVE
(by Brett Allender)
Although the Goodies seem to prefer "the manly comradeship of their chums" much of the time throughout the show, there are a number of occasions when the love bug bites and they are truly smitten, even to the point of marriage on a few memorable occasions. And not just with pretty young women either – a wardrobe, Graeme's computer and a young Prince Charles are all objects of Goodie affection and desire along the way as well.
The seldom-seen "Playgirl Club" contains the rare event of two women being madly in love with the Goodies, but with the lads not being the least bit keen on the close female attention being lavished on them. Firstly the owner of the women-only Playgirl Club, Miss Heifer, takes a shine to Graeme, who is dressed as a Wolf (a male Bunny equivalent) so that he can locate Tim, who is on his first cross-dressing mission as the glamourous Mitzi in an attempt to retrieve a female politician's embarrassing photos from a session at the club. Confusing, hey?! Certainly so for Graeme, who is cornered by Miss Heifer, ushered into her palatial private room and given "drinkies" to calm his shaking nerves.
Miss Heifer flicks a switch to initiate some mood music and transform the décor of the room to a jungle theme, drawing out Graeme's loony scientist from behind the shyness: "That's incredible, how did you do that … wait a minute! A slow capacitant motor is wired in with a high output to the stereo …", which has Miss Heifer draping herself all over him, cooing "Oh has anyone told you you've got the most beautiful eyes!". She then tries to take things a step further by selecting a key from a rack on the wall and preparing to unlock the padlock-shaped sporran around his waist: "Oh sweetheart, can't you see I want you!", which draws a horrified "Oh my God! No!" from Graeme when he realises what she is up to, and he tosses away a whip that he has unwittingly picked up with an equally terrified yell when it dawns on him that she is actually quite keen on the whole idea!
Luckily "Mitzi" comes in to rescue Graeme from Miss Heifer's clutches just in time and they eventually make a getaway from the Playgirl Club, with Bill having made the "noble sacrifice" of holding back the bevy of beauties chasing after them: "It was beautiful! (ecstatic laugh) … oh, but very tiring!". However their battle against unwanted advances isn't quite finished yet as the Minister For Trade & Domestic Affairs (Mollie Sugden of "Are You Being Served" fame) arrives back at the Goodies office.
Minister: "Did you get the photographs?" Tim: "Yes Minister, we did manage to retrieve the pictures for you. A very good likeness they are too." M (relieved): "You saucebox! Ooh dear, but I'm very grateful." T: "If you don't mind me saying so Minister, I hope you've learned your lesson." G (firmly): Yes you won't go to a place like that again, will you." M: "I most certainly will not, but then of course I don't need to now, do I? Now that I've met you lovely boys! We do anything anytime, hey?!" (she grabs Bill by the hair) B (startled): "What do you mean?!" M (with outstretched arms): "Come to Prudence!" The three Goodies panic and scramble out the office door at a great rate with the Minister opening the same door to find an equally chaotic scene from King Kong screening, only to exit through it anyway.
The Series 2 episode "Free To Live" (aka Women's Lib) is the ultimate example of Goodies in love as that premise forms a major part of the storyline along with women's rights and equality. Graeme sets off proceedings by unveiling his hot date for the evening: a curvaceous blonde airhead named Debbie: "This is Debbie. That's Tim. Say hello, Debbie." D (dippily): "Hello Debbie!" (giggles) G (quietly to T): "She's not very bright!". Tim and Graeme drool over her, describing her as if she was a motor car: (G: "Only one previous owner. Hardly a mark on her. Built for speed." T: "What does she do flat out ?" G: "Nearly everything!") while Bill firstly wonders if she is one of Graeme's robots before being suitably annoyed at their male chauvinism to disguise his voice and report them to Women's Lib.
Barbara, the Women's Lib inspector, barges into the Goodies office in a matter of seconds and, upon seeing the three Goodies, demands to know who sent for her: "I was called by a Militant Sister!" Bill:"That's right. That's me." Barbara (looking at his jacket, beads etc): "Hmm, should have guessed by the uniform. (laughs) I say, I like the beard. That's really what I call equality!" Bill (slightly indignantly): "I'm not a woman." Barbara: "Well what are you doing dressed up like one then?" Bill "I'm not dressed up … (compares what they are wearing) … oh I see what you mean actually, yes. Anyway I am a man, but I'm on your side." Barbara soon liberates Debbie by ordering her to remove her bra (after which she celebrates her new-found freedom by whacking Tim and Graeme with her handbag on the way out) then despatches Graeme and Tim to work for her own male chauvinist pig of a father as his butler and maid respectively. Barbara tells Bill to stay and help her and from this somewhat rocky beginning, true love soon blossoms between them and Barbara takes Bill to her father Charlie's country estate to announce their relationship.
Charlie is rather revolted at the scruffy sight of Bill, having already promised Barbara to Mungo Halfacre (Barbara: "Mungo Halfacre is a loud-mouthed, ill-mannered twit!" C: "Exactly! First-class breeding stock!") but Barbara is equally determined: "I don't care what you say, Daddy. Bill is my new boyfriend." C (indignantly): "But you're only a woman. You can't make important decisions like that. (looks at Graeme, his butler) I mean, can she, old boy?" G:"Of course not!" B (annoyed) "What!" G: "Consider the facts. You see, women are silly, frivolous, empty-headed creatures, I grant you, they're useful and decorative, like a teapot. Damn it all, you wouldn't expect a teapot to make up its own mind who it goes out with, would you?!" C (gleefully): "Ah, well said. Good point!"
Back at the Goodies office that evening, Bill is all excited as Barbara arrives to take him on a date, hoping that she'll even considering popping the question to him as she lavishes him with flowers and chocolates all in the name of equality. Graeme sits there with a disgusted look of contempt while all of this is taking place and his mood isn't helped by Tim getting into the spirit of women's lib and refusing to change out of his maid costume, saying that he's "proud to be a woman". Graeme bellows "You're a man, not a woman. Go and have a look!" in frustration and disbelief and Tim's declaration that "I might even marry if Mr Right comes along has a horrified Graeme retorting: "Mr Wright, the greengrocer! You can't marry him!"
Graeme decides to escape this madness for the evening and ushers in his new date; another blonde bimbo named Tottie. Tim, still dressed as a maid, starts his spiel to liberate her, telling Graeme "You don't own her." (to which Graeme replies "Yes I do. I've got a receipt!") which leads to Tottie calling Tim a loony and pushing past Graeme and out the office door. A furious Graeme accuses Tim of ruining his evening and they have a heated argument which ultimately leads to Graeme declaring "If I wanted an intelligent conversation, I'd rather talk to my computer!". After Tim stalks out in a huff we see a close-up of Graeme enjoying a candlelit dinner in the office and intimately chatting to a woman out of view who has a deep sexy voice, only for the camera to pan back and reveal that Graeme's hot new date is actually his computer, who he can have stimulating conversations about "algorithmic progressions" with now that he has fitted her with a voice box!
We are then treated to a most enjoyable visual sequence of the two happy couples frolicking in the park and the woods to the backing of the Goodies song "Got To Make You Mine", with Bill and Barbara playing on the swings and roundabout and leapfrogging each other before heading into the bushes for some way-hey-hey, while Graeme takes his computer sailing on a gondola and playing chasey, though his attempts at leapfrogging and swinging her merely lead to him taking a couple more acrobatic tumbles for us to appreciate. However we do get to see the classic footage of a smitten Graeme clicking his heels with delight as he and his computer merrily skip along together through the park.
Plans are soon in place for a double wedding, much to Tim's disgust, as he snaps at Graeme: "As for you, the whole neighbourhood is talking about you and THAT … THAT … it's disgusting!" only for Graeme to reply that "It is not, it's beautiful! Anyway I've read the Plain Man's Guide To British Law and they can't touch you for it!" Tim finds that his cases have been packed for him with the end of the Goodies nigh. As there will no longer be room for him in the office, he considers devoting the rest of his life to being a nun instead!
The brides turn up fashionably late for the big occasion; Barbara accompanied by her father and Graeme's computer arriving in a Southern Electronics Transport Company van. Tim also arrives dressed as a Women's Lib protester and with a soapbox speech condemning the drudgery of married life ("washing meals and cooking babies!") he convinces Graeme and Bill not to tie the knot, as both Bill and Graeme order their future wife's attendants to "Take her away!" … "And her!". This headstrong speech stops the ceremony, but it also greatly turns Charlie on: "Bravo! Bravo! What a speech!" …" I thought that you were a plain simple working girl, oh, but underneath ..." T (coyly): "There's a great deal more than you'd imagine!" C: "I love you, you gorgeous red-blooded she-beast! We've got the church, we've got the vicar and now, By God, we're going to have a wedding!". A happy snap is taken of him giving Tim a squeeze before the Goodies lock the gates and bolt off on the trandem with the vicar in hot pursuit on foot.
The next notable instance of a Goodie in love occurs in "Hunting Pink" where Tim has inherited his late uncle's fortune, country estate, raucous voice and love for fox hunting. While revealing his corrupted plans to make Tally Ho Towers "the blood sports centre of the world", he also makes the following important announcement: "I am going to get married."
Graeme: "What!? Who to?"
T: "The Honourable Lady Amanda Barrington Phipps Ponsonby Ponsonby Paddington Waterloo Charing Cross Crewe Alexandra Accrington Stanley Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Tich Carruthers Carruthers Smythe Junior. Known to her friends as Big Knockers"
G: "Is she pretty?"
T: "Pretty? Hmph! She's hideous! She is Horsewoman Of The Year - more horse than woman, but then ... looks aren't everything and in her case they're nothing! We're gonna get married and breed horses!"
Bill (incredulously): That's impossible!"
T (bluntly): "You haven't seen her!"
Tim mentions that she's out "trying on her new wardrobe" and when she does come inside she is actually wearing a large wooden wardrobe that completely hides her from view. A horrified Graeme exclaims "You can't marry THAT!", to which Tim replies " Yes I can. It's gonna be a traditional hunt wedding. We're gonna slaughter a rabbit, hang the giblets around her neck, paint her cheeks with blood and slap her round the kisser with its bladder. All very sloppy and sentimental, I know. But I love it ... the blood ... mwaaahahaaa!", with Bill rightly exclaiming "He's gone loony!" at the very idea. Tim's wardrobe fiancee later comes a cropper when hurdling a fence and is ultimately smashed into a "load of old firewood" by Bill as part of the treatment to cure Tim of his love of fox hunting.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and in "Scatty Safari", the plague of Rolf Harrises infesting Britain after their escape from the Goodies Star Safari Park leads to the following proclamation from a "certain anonymous Queen": "Whomsoever can rid my land of this plague of Rolf Harrises shall win the hand of my eldest son in marriage … or one thousand OBE's."
Tim: "Say no more, Your Majesty. We shall do it!" The Queen (on television, quizzically): "Who are you?!" Tim (proudly): "We're the Goodies!" The Queen (scornfully): "Ohh! Gordon Bennett!!"
However she is true to her word after the Goodies do indeed manage to lure all of the Rolfs (except for a lame Jake The Peg) into the wondrous portal of the other side – the ITV studios – never to be seen again, and we get to see the amusing footage of Tim as the royal bride appearing to cosy up to a young Prince Charles with Graeme and Bill bedecked with OBEs and weeping tears of joy in the background. As Prince Charles was quite a fan of the show at the time, he was apparently contacted by production staff and asked if he would like to appear in the show in person. As Tim mentions in C&G #25 (Dec 1997): "Prince Charles volunteered to play himself in the marriage scene. Unfortunately palace advisers got to him." Such a shame – it would have made for an all-time classic piece of comedy footage.
In "Cunning Stunts", Graeme is concerned that Bill just isn't himself: "What is the matter with you?! Look, you've been mooning around in a daydream with that … (points to photo in Bill's hand) … ah there's only one thing that it can be and unless I'm very much mistaken …" B (dreamily): "I'm in love." G (surprised): "Oh so it's not a hernia!". Closer examination of the photo and a newspaper article reveals that Bill is hopelessly in love with wealthy heiress Mildred Makepeace, whose miserable tycoon father Sir Joshua has promised her hand in marriage to whoever can make him laugh again. Bill firstly only succeeds in making Sir Joshua even grumpier with an accidental impersonation of him and his own dismal mood and uselessness at work leads to him being sacked from The Goodies by Tim and Graeme. Bill's sad tale of rejection though (even to the point of possibly being replaced by Nicholas Parsons or Roger Moore!) has Sir Joshua rolling on the floor shrieking with laughter, but he is still unable to marry Mildred because she has left home to get away from her "miserable old twit" of a father and he doesn't know where she has gone.
Freed of his burden of love with Mildred disappearing, an upbeat Bill returns to the Goodies Clarion & Globe office and wants his old job back as Ace Reporter, only to find that Mildred herself has replaced him. Bill asks Mildred if she is still going to marry him, but she rejects him, saying that she has now got her career to consider. (B: "But I made your Dad laugh." M: "You make me laugh too, but I'm not going to marry you!") An annoyed Bill then rounds on Tim and Graeme: "That's what you wanted all along, isn't it, hey?! A bit of crumpet around the office, oh yeah, of course it is, yeah!" A quick snog behind the filing cabinet, yeah. That's what you two were after isn't it?"
T (offended): "I'm sure Mildred is not that kind of girl!" B: "Oh yes she is!" T (excited): "Is she really?! (B makes a fist pumping gesture)
T (unconvincingly): "Bill, I don't know how you could say that. Mildred is quite clearly suited to the job on account of her long legs ... er, experience, experience! She has extremely impressive bosoms ... breasts ... er, qualifications. She has a splendidly pert cheeky pinchable little ... little ... degree in economics and sociology and a terrific bum, bum ... er, bottom and I'm sure we'll all enjoy groping her ... er, working her ... er, working with her. So kindly push off"
Bill's love affair with Mildred is definitely over and he takes the "push off" message to heart; heading off to France to participate in the Eurovision Raving Loony Contest. Tim also rapidly shelves any romantic notions as Mildred firstly bosses him around and then reverses the theme of his quote above by indulging in sexually harrassing him. After pinching him on the bum, Mildred purrs: "Oh come on, don't be so outraged. That's what you expect isn't it, a bit of slap and tickle from the boss, eh? If you're no good for that, what are you good for?" Tim's indignant response of "Just what do you think I am?!" draws Mildred's rather blunt reply of: "A pretty little thing! And that's about all." Then after getting his cheeks tweaked again, Tim squawks: "Get off! You ... you female chauvinist sow! I ... I'm not your little bit of fluff, you know!" M: "No, but there's plenty who wish they were, hey Mr Garden?" G (all wide-eyed and innocent): "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, miss!" However Graeme soon stops trying to get in Mildred's good books when she asks him to sit on her lap and read to her. As he gazes longingly at her, she says: "Let me look at you. Take your glasses off, Mr Garden." (G removes glasses and keeps staring at her) M (very uninterested) : "No, not really on, is it?!" G (most offended): "YOU COW!!", giving he and Tim ample reason to leave Mildred behind and set off after Bill.
The next brief but notable love interest is Graeme's "gal" in the bunfight sequence of the "OK Tea Rooms" episode. We see her running to Graeme as he makes his way down the stairs of the tea room, only for him to push her away as he has more important things on his mind, like fleecing Tim and Bill of their fortune in a game of toast poker. Then as Graeme's "chums lay in the ketchup" after he has sprayed them with lethal tomato sauce, she runs to his arms and embraces him, "but even as they kissed she met her doom" thanks to one last squirt of sauce from a dying Bill, causing a heartbroken Graeme to lather himself with sauce and perish with one of the most spectacular tumbles imaginable.
Following the Goodies split in "Punky Business", Tim seems to be the lone beacon for niceness and decency (and shiny shoes!) in a world that is dominated by the uncouthness and nastiness of the burgeoning punk trend. He figures that there is only one person who can help him understand why punk has become so popular – columnist Caroline Kook from the "Melody Maker" magazine – so he invites her out to an intimate evening meal only to find that the restaurant has sunk to punk since lunchtime that day thanks to Graeme the obnoxious punk waiter. After Caroline has given Tim a lecture about his objection to punk because she makes a lot of money writing about it and other trends, Tim sits motionless, thoughtfully contemplating while the sauce that Graeme has dumped on his head still trickles gently down his face, and finally utters: "I am overwhelmed by your intellect. Will you marry me?".
An unimpressed Caroline rejects his offer of marriage and also his escort to the upcoming Trendsetters Ball, but ultimately Tim does make it to the Ball thanks to his Fairy Punkmother Graeme. As Punkarella, the "rat-festooned, lizard-hung weirdo", he upstages all those present and is enjoying a dance with Caroline until the clock strikes midnight and the dodgy clip on his leg gives way, giving her a considerably more substantial memento of the evening than a mere glass slipper as he hops off into the darkness. A proclamation is issued by the judges of the Trendsetters Ball that whoever the leg fits will win the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage and be declared "Officially Amazing", causing all the punks in the discos to saw one of their own legs off in a futile (and rather painful) bid to win this grand prize. Upon the flunkies arriving at the Goodies office, they are initially distracted by Bill the pirate and his one-legged parrot before Tim rightly regains his leg "and won the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage. (shot of Tim placing a ring on Caroline's severed hand and tucking it Napoleon-style into his jacket) The rest of the delectable Caroline went to Graeme (who is holding her head and upper body) except the bit that went to Bill" (as he runs into the distance hoisting her legs and lower body triumphantly in the air!)
The final major instance of a Goodie in love occurs in "Saturday Night Grease" as a dejected Tim returns to the Goodies office after being thrown out of yet another disco, despite him having the right hairdo, groovy fashion and even a splendid high-pitched voice thanks to the zipper of his ultra-tight jeans. Bill is disgusted with Tim's appearance and behaviour; grumbling: "That's why you're really doing it, hey, hey? You're after smut, aren't you?! Hoping you'll pick up some trollop in one of those smoky dives you go to!" T (offended): "She is not a trollop!" (motioning towards the curtains in his part of the office which usually cover his portrait of the Queen) B (aghast): "She!! You wouldn't catch her going to one of those places, mate! She's a really nice … (parts the curtains to find that Tim has replaced the Queen's portrait with a photo of Olivia Newton John) … Good Lord!" Graeme (surprised): "Who is that?!" B: "That's not the Queen!" T (dreamily): "Isn't she lovely, you know what I mean …" B: "Oh blimey (starts singing), he's in looooove!"
Tim then lapses into a version of "Summer Lovin'" with Bill and Graeme providing the "tell me more, tell me more" backing until they realise that they are making absolute fools of themselves and Graeme's contrite expression of embarrassment afterwards is a ripper. Tim continues on solo until Bill mockingly calls him "Tim Travolta", to which he hisses angrily: "Don't mention his name! I hate him 'coz he's got Livvy and I haven't!" B (scornfully): Livvy, Livvy! You fancy that Australian plastic bint?! Hmm tell you something mate, I'd rather have Edna Everage. At least she's a real woman! (G opens his mouth to correct B, but stops) What a fantasy world he lives in, hey?!"
To ease Tim's unhappiness, Graeme suggests that they all go out dancing together that night, though when the time comes, he appears in a frilly pink dress and hat. T: "Graeme, why are you dressed as a woman?!" G: "What?! Three fellas going out dancing together! People would stare at us!" While Bill goes out to find them a nice disco to dance at (even if he has to start one himself, which he indeed does), Graeme teaches Tim how to dance the trendy Disco Heave. When a hyped-up Tim is asked "Now do you know what to do next?", he tightly hugs a concerned Graeme and babbles: "Yes. I hold her close, I gaze into her eyes and say 'Dinkum, dinkum, dinkum! Speak to me in Aussie, you cheeky little jumbuck!'" G (pushing T away, appalled): "You smutty pervert! Bill was right. Once and for all, I'm here to teach you dancing, not snogging." T (offended): "Don't use that word, it's ugly!" G: "So? Snogging. Snnnogging … with Aussie trollops! Eeeew … eeeccccch! You have no scruples. I'm not teaching you!" T: "No you're not teaching me, you're sending me up, right?" (G gives a cheeky grin and nod)
Later in this episode, the Mixed Dancing competition at Disco Bilius is turned on its ear by a late entry from Tim Revolta (just released from the prison but still in his straightjacket and ball & chain) and Olivia Newton Grayboots (handicapped by very high-heeled shoes and rather tight jeans) singing "You're The One That I Want", but both having trouble moving far enough to reach each other for a dance. A deluded Tim thinks that Graeme really is the girl of his dreams as he croons "Oh Livvy, Livvy be mine!" until Bill comes along to spoil the party by dewigging Graeme so that he can't claim the winner's prizemoney.
These instances of various Goodies being in love, often with some rather unusual partners, certainly add plenty of interest and amusement to the episodes that they occur in. The normal romantic situation for them in most episodes however is probably best summed up by this quote from the "Gender Education" episode: Mrs Desiree Carthorse: "I don't find you reading dirty books, looking at filthy television programs and playing around with girls. You are obviously ..."
Graeme (ruefully): "Unlucky!" Tim: " Unlucky ... no, no, we're pure, pure ...!"
Pure indeed! Then again, there is also this exchange to contemplate from "The End" when the lads are encased inside a block of concrete: B: "Let's face it, for the next three years we three are doomed to be bachelors gay. (puts his arm on Tim's shoulder, pats him on the head and smiles) That's an idea, isn't it?!" T (outraged): "Get off!!" B (coyly): Hey, I don't mind shaving, you know. Underneath this lot I look a bit like Liza Minelli." T (unimpressed): "I've often wondered why you grew it." B (offended): "You bitch!" Touche!
Website article & photo gallery:
Next theme (May or Jun): The trandem
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #34 – THE CRICKLEWOOD SHAKEDOWN
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
Since his most recent music review of "Terrapins", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) has been whiling away his days at Dr. G. Garden's Pets Corner rest home for clapped-out old animals. Somewhat surprisingly he's not there as an in-patient (though we're not going to let him out of there either if we can help it!) but as an official taste-tester for Graeme's other pet project; the Rumbling Tum Carnivorous Cuisine restaurant. The Emperor swears that Graeme has the tastiest pickled walnuts in the countryside but we're guessing that he really will be swearing when he finds out that they're actually munchable crunchable terrapins instead. In fact he'll probably be rather shell-shocked about it all!
As for Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay), she has headed off to join the Grateful Dead Fan Club at the University Of Maryland to indulge in a double dose of terrapin worship. However word has just come through that she has been expelled after someone accidentally put on a record of the Goodies' "Spank That Hamster" and she duly obeyed the lyrics by slapping sloths, whacking walruses and trampling on every terrapin in sight. The trodden-on terrapins were actually the Grateful Dead themselves when they heard that Peaches was transferring over to the Tillingbourne Folk & Madrigal Society to do an Advanced Diploma in Gibbon Stuffing instead.
While it's the mid-semester break though, we'll take this opportunity to cross to the home of primitive man in London, good old Cricklewood, and your distressing DJs with their music review of "THE CRICKLEWOOD SHAKEDOWN" by The Goodies
"The Cricklewood Shakedown" can be heard on the 70's record "The New Goodies LP" and the CD "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies"
Lyrics: sung by Bill, with backing from Graeme and Tim
One, two, three, four, where's the place that we adore?
Doin' it right and doin' it good, we're all going to Cricklewood
Do the Cricklewood Shakedown (Cricklewood Shakedown)
Do the Cricklewood Shake (Brrrrr)
Do the Cricklewood Shakedown (Cricklewood Shakedown)
Do the Cricklewood Shake
Oh would you like to shake your cares away?
(Yes I would, yes I would, yes I would)
Shakin' on down where the people are bright and gay
(Cricklewood, Cricklewood, Cricklewood)
They've a natural sense of rhythm (Doin' it, doin' it)
All they simply do is stand, and then they …
First you let your lips go soft and loose
(Let 'em droop, let 'em droop, let 'em droop)
You're wobblin' down 'til you feel you're right in your shoes
(Bloop bloop, bloop bloop, bloop bloop)
You can shimmer just like a jelly
And let your troubles shake away, hey let's all …
[REPEAT CHORUS MULTIPLE TIMES WITH OVERLAPPING VOCALS]
With this song, the Goodies managed to do what hadn't been done with such aplomb since The Lambeth Walk . . . convert a section of London into a dance craze. Or at least a crazy dance. The Cricklewood Shakedown may not be as popular as the Charleston (named for Charleston, South Carolina) or the Macarena (named in part for a town in Seville) or even The Funky Gibbon (not clear if this was named after Gibbon, Nebraska or Gibbon, Minnesota . . . undoubtedly the two towns are in a heated battle over ownership of this one.) But what it lacks in fame it makes up for in sheer vibration. When done properly, this dance should rate a 6.0 on the Richter Scale. Even Cornish Milk Sheiks were shaking everything shakable to this tune, perhaps while waiting for a crosstown bus. But can the word "shakedown" be so lightly dismissed as simply a matter of "bloop blooping," since it is a word commonly used to refer to extortion? And surely, with the residents of the town all shimmerin' and wobblin' it would have been easier to free up the loose change from their pockets. Perhaps it wasn't The Goodies who recorded this song but actually their evil counterparts, The Baddies! It would be just like Dr. Petal to devise such a scheme to distract an entire town into gesticulating while his evil robot minions collected the spilled spoils. But no, this theory is on shaky ground. Such a dance craze would more likely have been titled The Hustle. So everyone, let your lips go soft and loose like Mick Jagger's and invite Black Pudding Bertha down from Lancashire to have a go at this one . . . something tells me she'd be a natural!
In their other perhaps better-known song about Cricklewood, the Goodies lament that "no-one's going anywhere" and that "they've got nothing to do", making it sound rather like the metropolitan version of Bognor instead. However while Cricklewood may be a bit light on for movers (apart from those folk who work for Pickfords!) they've apparently got a great blend of shakers who have the whole suburb shimmying along to the mix of this rather juddering jukebox-style beat.
One shudders to think what kind of mystical good vibrations must be at work there in Cricklewood to get the locals all shook up like that, but there's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on all over the place, from the corner shop with the best milkshakes in Britain (just grab a cow and hold on!) to the resident Irish population's performance of "Quiverdance" and other Celtic jig(gle)s and the most vibrant chapter of Quakers that you're ever likely to encounter this side of the San Andreas Faultline.
You'd expect that the Cricklewoodites would be somewhat unnerved or even agitated from all of these strenuous shakedowns , however seeing as "nothing ever happens there" apart from this perpetual motion, they actually play it as cool as a Bond martini - a case of shaken but not stirred perhaps!
While not providing as much cause for the rest of the population to tremble as a Wiggles concert or Rolf with his wobbleboard, this song definitely entices those who've got it to shake it. "Shake shake shake, c'mon shake shake shake, shake your Goodie" in fact!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
II Fair-y Punkmother (Peaches Stiletto)
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
Next Music Review: (June) – There's A Walrus in My Soup
7. FEATURE ARTICLE
A Record Or An Outstanding Ben Endeavour
(by Denise M. Baran-Unland)
Special to the Clarion & Globe
Despite the recent success of the Goodies black comedy, "A Record or an OBE," and the "Melbourne Museum Comedy Tour," Australian native and former Melbourne University Arts/Science student Ben McKenzie is a serious actor at heart who has set his sights for challenging, dramatic projects.
"If I had to choose between comedy and acting, it would probably be acting," McKenzie said. "My roots are in acting, but since I've started doing comedy, it's taken over. Acting is a very different type of performance--making a character and becoming that character--and I don't want to lose that. It's very gratifying."
The beauty about "A Record or an OBE," for McKenzie, was the opportunity to write and deliver a dramatic as well as a funny performance based on his favorite British comedy television program, The Goodies.
Although McKenzie does not discount the humor of other popular British comedy shows, he said that many of them are only remembered for their successful sketches. "There are a number of them that are not that good," McKenzie said. "With the Goodies, I'm hard pressed to mention more than two or three episodes that were not good."
McKenzie's inspiration for "A Record or an OBE," originated from the liner notes of the 1997 recording, "Yum Yum—The Very Best of the Goodies." Here Bill Oddie wrote about Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I would really like to thank the other two Goodies, but I really can't. It would have been so much easier without them."
"After reading it, I knew it was probably all in jest," McKenzie said. "But because irony doesn't always work well in print, I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and thought, 'What if that was real?' and decided to explore that."
In creating the half hour show—where he also played the role of Graeme Garden--McKenzie considered a number of points: the serious work that weekly must have gone into writing and performing The Goodies, the relationships that developed as a result of it and the disaster that could have occurred had one member of that team struck out on his own at the height of the comedy trio's popularity.
"It's about the real writers and actors—Tim, Bill and Graeme—real people who deal with real consequences, who have to get on with their lives and make money and be happy and do what they love," McKenzie said. "I wanted to make it an emotionally true story by having them go through something meaningful and yet still make it funny."
Audience reaction to the show varied depending upon where McKenzie performed it. It attracted quite a bit of fans last fall at the Melbourne Fringe Festival, he said, but struggled to do the same this spring at the Adelaide Fringe Festival.
"The first couple of audiences there took it very seriously and did not find it a bit funny," McKenzie said. "But they have a reputation for being a tougher character here. Maybe it's the venue, which is very hot. For 10 days, it was over body temperature."
In addition, there were the show's fans who gave McKenzie far more credit than he deserved. "People came up to me and asked, 'How did you come up with so much detail from 1975?' and I tell them, 'I didn't. I made it all up,'" he said.
"A Record or an OBE," is just one example of McKenzie's knack for combining several contrasting topics and presenting them in an appealing fashion to his audience. He previously did this with his "Man in the Lab Coat," persona and his first comedy theatre, "Shaolin Punk."
Although trained in speech and drama with ASCA and Trinity College London, McKenzie as well developed his ability to write and execute comedy. Merging dry factual material with the droll, he penned and performed the well-received "Listen to the Man in the Lab Coat," "Evolutionary: The Man in the Lab Coat Evolved" and "Science-ology: the Man in the Lab Coat Rocks."
For those whose scientific side is piqued by McKenzie's performances, he even offers on his website, www.labcoatman.com.au , suggested links and reading material for learning more about his favorite topics, as well as specially designed performances for schools and special interest groups.
"I find it very inspiring to think of the things we have through science and I wanted to show people that you don't have to be a scientist to appreciate the wonders of the world and the beauty of the world," McKenzie said. "As a layman, I have the air of research—making sure everything is as accurate as possible—yet still make it funny."
His recent "Melbourne Museum Comedy Tour" also did just that. The show was held after the museum's regular hours with McKenzie and several other comedians playing host and offering hilarious commentaries about the displays.
"It brought science to people on a different level," McKenzie said. "Having other comedians involved was a way of making it a bit more communal and getting some people more famous than I to be involved. It made it more attractive to the audience and it also gave people a bit of variety."
Last year, to provide more opportunities to present his material, McKenzie founded Shaolin Punk, a small, theatre company that will produce, according to www.shaolinpunk.net , "comedy which has a brain, drama which exercises the imagination and fantasy that embraces science."
Even its name illustrates McKenzie's fascination for polarities. "Shaolin" is the name of a Buddhist sect that originated in China almost 1500 years ago and later became the basis for the martial art "Kung Fu" "Punk" applies to a particular genre of rock music and the antiestablishment counterculture that McKenzie said embraced it.
"The idea of those two things coming together really appeals to me. It's a nice juxtaposition," he said. "A lot of today's theatre sets out to do things that shock the audience. It runs counter to what you would expect in theatre and it's not really that much fun to watch."
Although McKenzie is not ruling out writing any more "Man in the Lab Coat," material he is nevertheless is pushing forward and resisting typecasting. "As someone pointed out, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of the crazy hair and lab coats," McKenzie said with a chuckle. "I'll have no friends."
8. GOODIES WORDFINDER SOLUTION
The Wordfinder puzzle in C&G #148 had 5 unused letters which could be rearranged to form the solution to the following clue: " it is used as part of the bunfight card game"
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(c) It Might As Well Be String
(d) Gumbies from Monty Python
(e) Theme from Black Beauty
(g) Because Bill has nailed his feet to the floor of his kennel
(h) 1000 OBEs
8 Mastermind Of The Year
7 Goodies fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION:
- #150: 12th May 2008.
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